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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 25/11/2018 18:49

Your friend wins CF of the Year for me.

I wouldn’t offer to do any childcare, not emergency, not anything. If you do, it won’t be long before they manoeuvre some situation where you end up doing much, much more (“Nursery doesn’t have a place that day....” etc).

Plus you’d be enabling her husband to abuse her.

I feel sorry for grandparents who have ended up doing majority of childcare thus enabling their grown up children to work, usually to maintain their lifestyle rather than pay for nursery. The idea of doing it for someone else’s child is mind boggling.

Fairylea · 25/11/2018 18:51

ShockYanbu at all.

I am not doing any childcare when I retire. Of course if I’m lucky enough to have any grandchildren I’ll enjoy spending time with them and might offer to babysit occasionally but I will absolutely not be tied into a regular childcare agreement. No way.

TheBigBangRocks · 25/11/2018 18:51

MissRhubarb, I know a few too that are struggling but their adult children carry on regardless. One has just moved away as the news of another grandchild was enough to finally stand up to the nonsense that grandparents should be at the beck and call of their children to provide childcare. They seem to want the children to cost nothing and for someone else to do the bulk of the parenting.

formerbabe · 25/11/2018 18:52

I went to a new baby group once where I got chatting to a woman. Next time I saw her, she said she was returning to work after her mat leave and perhaps I could look after her baby...I was literally open mouthed and mumbled something about how I'm pretty busy most days so it wouldn't work for me. Some people are so bizarre.

Fairylea · 25/11/2018 18:56

Can I just say this isn’t just a retirement thing - I am a stay at home parent of a child who is school age (said child has autism and learning disabilities and I have chronic health issues so life is pretty full on, not that it’s relevant here) and I’ve had several people I know (not even close friends) persistently ask me to look after their toddler age children for them so they can return to work! Errrr no. Just because I’m at home doesn’t mean I have to provide childcare / do something / etc. People seem to think if you’re not in paid employment you’re able to and should become childcare!

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2018 18:56

Oh god formerbabe, the mentality of some, the CFery of some people is astounding.

5fivestar · 25/11/2018 18:57

I fully expect to look after my grandchildren and have made plans in my life to accommodate exactly that. But not other people’s geandchildren, I mean where do you draw the line ?

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2018 18:58

Oh god Fairylea, I have a dd 11 with ASD and learning difficulties, I am a STAHM too, I am yet to see anything like that. I want to so I can tell them to sod off Wink.

WinterfellWench · 25/11/2018 19:00

Can't say anything that hasn't already been said but YANBU in the slightest.

What an utter CF! As has been said, the friendship is over.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 25/11/2018 19:00

I honestly can't conceive of the planet on which they would think that this is reasonable.

barleyreed · 25/11/2018 19:03

YADNBU - please stick to your guns and enjoy your well earned retirement with your husband! Xxx

LaPufalina · 25/11/2018 19:42

What do you think your goddaughter will do, OP?
(YANBU of course)

PawneeParksDept · 25/11/2018 19:47

My DM was a SAHM and was basically neighbourhood childcare. She enjoys feeling useful but really she was being used in hindsight

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 19:48

What do you think your goddaughter will do, OP?

this is not OP's concern Flowers

FeralBeryl · 25/11/2018 20:00

PLEASE! Do not utter the words 'if you're ever really stuck...
To a CF that means 'I won't even bother sorting an alternative'

You are so NBU. My friend is currently feeling most indignant that her own poor disabled pensioner of a parent is having the cheek to find her two toddlers hard work 4 days a week Angry

Your retirement should be just that, my own DM helps out adhoc and is a godsend, but I wouldn't have asked her to do formal childcare as I know it's something she really didn't fancy. She likes having the children when she wants to, sometimes she likes a good few days peace without us all Grin

I think sadly here, you will start to reflect on many occasions over the years where the two of them may have taken advantage of you and you've been too lovely to see it.

Lizzie48 · 25/11/2018 20:15

YANBU, definitely, what a CF request from your friend that was, and actually calling you selfish. You should definitely focus on enjoying your retirement with your DH. You've earned it. Smile

goose1964 · 25/11/2018 20:18

Yanbu , I regularly babysit my grandson who's coming up to 2 and it's exhausting .

I've decided that there's a reason we go through the menopause and that's so we don't have to run around after little kids.

CrabbityRabbit · 25/11/2018 20:23

YADNBU.

Urgh what an awkward situation to put you in. I would feel awful but you are 100% in the right.

Purpleartichoke · 25/11/2018 20:26

Your friend is being selfish.

You should not agree to provide day care. Your friend should do it herself, pay for it herself, or help her daughter get legal advice.

Jux · 25/11/2018 20:30

I have about 10 cousins who have retired recently. They and their spouses have worked really hard all their lives, brought up children, and are now enjoying retirement while they are still comparatively youthful and fit, and while their finances allow it.

I see them on FB posting pictures of them walking up snowy mountains, or hiking through jungle, or swimming in clear blue seas. They deserve it and so do you; so does your dh.

It is a shame your friend is so desperate, but she herself could contribute to the cost of child care if she really wanted to help her dd.

cestlavielife · 25/11/2018 20:30

Just say no You not planning to work.
Plus you dont want to enable this abusive relationship.
Say that gd needs to consult a lawyer . They married and it's financial abuse.

OffToBedhampton · 25/11/2018 20:33

I'm worried that you feel you have to meet up with your GD's Mum/ your Friend to explain your decision. You don't have to explain anything. She and GD are extreme CF's. Your answer is No.

You don't have to justify it in any way. "No I will not be doing GD's childcare. Don't ask me again." Then change subject .."... we're considering adding ..blah blah to our exciting list. DH and I can't wait to get started when I retire! Have you been there?"
(Please leave /walk out if 'Friend' persists after the No, & say conversation is done.) Don't give up your precious years & adventures with DH for anyone.

A friend would be excited for you.
A Friend would not be plotting to steal that time from you and DH, with her daughter on how they could use you instead.

MrHolmes · 25/11/2018 20:33

I will be moving away enough of a distance once my kids have children.
Smile

5 month old is a bit of an ask.

juneau · 25/11/2018 20:33

Your 'friend' is being unbelieveably selfish and her DD, GD or not, is a CF! She had a baby with a financially abusive man, knows she has to return to work and all along she hoped that you would step into the breach and do her childcare for the next 4 years????? I'm rarely gobsmacked, but that is just so presumptious and self-centred. How dare she? How dare your friend presumably support her in this fantasy of hers without ever breathing a word of it to you until now and then have the brass neck to call YOU selfish?

I'm glad you're sticking to your guns and not considering relenting. If this friendship ends as a result of this situation, then so be it. Anyone who would take you for granted and saddle you with so much unpaid labour for four years and think nothing of it is no friend.

notapizzaeater · 25/11/2018 20:35

Wow, I can't get my head round how she even thought that was an option