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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 25/11/2018 17:40

I'd actually not be doing childcare even if I wanted to as I wouldn't be facilitating an abusive relationship and I'd be telling gd that

Sallybates · 25/11/2018 17:42

No, no no- no reason why you should do it!

RandomMess · 25/11/2018 17:43

Your friend is indeed crazy but probably desperate Sad

I really hope your DGD wakes up and realised she needs to leave that abusive arse of an H

seven201 · 25/11/2018 17:53

Your poor gd being in such a shitty marriage. Yadnbu though. Can't believe they'd been planning this for so long. CF friend

camelfinger · 25/11/2018 17:54

Even if this request was in any way reasonable, the trouble with providing an ongoing childcare commitment for free is that there are no boundaries in terms of how much and how long. It would be very difficult to agree anything on your terms, the fact that they consider you to be selfish means that they would just push it and push it. It’s a shame that your friend has decided to put this strain on your friendship by asking; it would be hard to salvage this one now this has come out.

Worriedmummybekind · 25/11/2018 18:00

YADNBU
They are being really rude and actually I’m not sure you helping would be in her interests long term. Essentially you would be propping up a marriage that is doomed to fail when she needs to realise this is terrible and leave him.

Don’t feel guilty, at all. I think you need to be quite firm with your friend “I’m really not sure what you were thinking but let’s not mention it again and we can all move on”. If she has any sense she will instantly drop it forever. If she continues to attempt to make this situation your problem then she has ended the friendship, not you.

bimbobaggins · 25/11/2018 18:01

Just when you think you’ve read everything on mn then this whopper comes along.
I’m glad you are emailing your friend tonight. This is cheeky an a whole level I never knew existed.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 18:03

Even if this request was in any way reasonable, the trouble with providing an ongoing childcare commitment for free is that there are no boundaries in terms of how much and how long. It would be very difficult to agree anything on your terms, the fact that they consider you to be selfish means that they would just push it and push it. It’s a shame that your friend has decided to put this strain on your friendship by asking; it would be hard to salvage this one now this has come out

absolutely spot on, they care not one iota for your feelings in this request/demand Flowers

ApolloandDaphne · 25/11/2018 18:03

I can understand your friend being worried about her DD but you do not have to be part of her solution.

WineGummyBear · 25/11/2018 18:04

Your friend is being off the scale unreasonable.

To give her the benefit of the doubt, she must be very worried about her daughter as it sounds like she is trapped in a (financially) abusive relationship.

Nonetheless, your retirement does not provide a solution to her daughter's problems.

It sounds like she had (wrongly) pinned her hopes on you as the solution.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2018 18:05

Writing it all down makes me realise how incredibly cheeky they have been

Then your thread has been worth it Flowers

I've rarely seen such agreement on AIBU, but I'd add that you might want to reconsider delivering the refusal face to face. Given they'd already been planning the "two days" it's hardly likely she'll be feeling bad, and her downright cruelty in calling you selfish suggests she won't take the refusal well

Better surely to email it and leave the ball in her court, as sadly the friendship's probably over now anyway

rosablue · 25/11/2018 18:06

Also it sounds like the abisive husband is using the baby as a nasty form of control over your gd - whether she planned to get pg or they decided to or it was an accident, I’m betting that he isn’t left with £20 a week and that he’s not putting anything into nursery feed either. Suspect he’s not putting his full 50% in.

Wish there was a special police force you could report abusive husbands Luke this to, who aren’t doing anything criminal but Who are so rotten!

Bloomini · 25/11/2018 18:07

YANBU at all. Sorry but your friend is not being a good friend to even put this upon you in the first place.

Enjoy your retirement!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2018 18:11

Apologies, OP - I see you just said you are going to email her

I'd be prepared for her to ask if you'll do it for an (actually never ending) "short period", but I only hope she has the sense to accept your decision without argument

Frankly, she's already been unpleasant enough

BadRain · 25/11/2018 18:17

As if this situation wasn't bad enough, they also expect you to do this for free!

Would your 'friend' do the same for your daughter? I think not.

In all honesty I would be so angry with their initial request and then the subsequent inference that you are in some way selfish, that I would have to end the friendship.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/11/2018 18:24

I'd be prepared for her to ask if you'll do it for an (actually never ending) "short period", but I only hope she has the sense to accept your decision without argument

Puzzled is probably right in that they'll try to get you to do it on a 'just until' basis. Just remember that if she can't afford it now, she won't be able to afford it 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years from now.

KnightlyMyMan · 25/11/2018 18:24

This is completely ridiculous! My
jaw was on the floor reading this!

Ditch your ‘friend’ and the freeloading GD! If this had been your own DD I would still have thought it was a bit cheeky but maybe more understandable- this is insane!

TheBigBangRocks · 25/11/2018 18:25

So cheeky, it's unreal. It always amazes me how so many have children and expect others to provide free childcare.

She had complete control over having a child and went ahead anyway. She's an adult so needs to face reality and come up with a solution.

Her OH expecting 50% of the bills isn't as strange as some think, should she not pay her way? He should be paying 50% of the childcare though. Having to pay half of living costs doesn't make me jump to abusive on that alone.

PeroniZucchini · 25/11/2018 18:25

I’ve read some CFuckery on here but nothing quite in this league! Hold firm OP. I’m embarrassed for your friend.

timeisnotaline · 25/11/2018 18:27

I agree send a text message, he it clear in writing. I like across’ response, I would add I would be so happy for god daughter to finally realise she is in an abusive relationship and plan to leave it.

The80sweregreat · 25/11/2018 18:33

I remember someone coming round to my home to ask if I'd have her little boy ( he was about 6 or 7 at the time) after school. I knew them both vaguely from school run and I was new to the area , so only knew of her and her son for about a month or so.
I said no and you never saw someone move so fast to get out the door. She didn't speak to me anymore after that and had to hire a child minder on proper terms I think. Was years ago now but I was amazed that she thought I would say yes.
I felt bad, but it was the right thing to do!
Having someone else's child is a big commitment and a tie.

EdisonLightBulb · 25/11/2018 18:36

I am raging, simply raging 😤 at the CFuckery

MissRhubarb · 25/11/2018 18:36

The level of entitlement here is astonishing. The fact that they asked you AT ALL is incredibly cheeky, but then to send that email... I'm afraid for me that's where they go from entitled and presumptuous to downright rude and unpleasant and I'm not sure I could ever continue the friendship as it was OP, if I were you.

I met a nice woman in the park one day who was a grandmother and said she was feeling exhausted all the time because her daughter (her own daughter at least) had just had child number 3 and gone back to work expecting her mother to provide 5 days a week full-time childcare. The woman was really unhappy about it and struggling.

Don't let them talk you round OP. As you can see from all the comments here, you are 100% right. What they're asking you is just so selfish it's beyond belief really.

HelenaDove · 25/11/2018 18:46

why isnt your friend putting pressure on the DH to pay his half of the childcare for the child he helped create.

Ask your friend why she considers you selfish and responsible for childcare for a child you didnt have (just because you have a vagina) while the childs own father gets a get out clause and just a shrug of acceptance that he isnt as responsible for his OWN CHILD just by dint of having a penis.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2018 18:49

Your goddaughter's abusive situation is awful, but, and there is a but, her mother should be supporting her, even taking leave to help her dd, leave this situation, it is not your responsibility. It is very cheeky to ask for free unending childcare from you, very cheeky indeed, you have every right to refuse. I would even loose a friendship over this, noway would I sacrifice my longed for retirement to look after somebody else's baby, especially for free.

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