AIBU to expect people not to buy cheap knock offs for Christmas?

[TealTurnip]

My family has always done a Christmas wish list. We find it takes the pressure off if you have no idea what to get someone, and mostly avoids unwanted gifts that end up being Ebayed.

SIL and MIL have repeatedly told DH they’ve found a replica of an item on my wish list. For example a £5 Chinese knock off of a keyring that costs £20. Or a £10 candle that looks similar to a £30 candle. Or a £2 bar of chocolate that’s the same flavour as a £6 bar of chocolate.

It isn’t a money issue. We all have a gift budget of £40 for adults and £60 for kids (to avoid awkwardness because some people can’t afford to spend as much). DH reckons they just think they can get more gifts for the same money and don’t realise/care that it’s not the same.

I’m getting narked now though. I’ve just bought DNephew some branded toys from his wish list and now found out that SIL has bought DS a train set from Aldi that’s “a quarter of the price but exactly the same” as the Brio train set on his wish list.

I’m prepared to be told IABU and should be grateful for any gift, but I feel like I’m buying them all the good stuff they’ve suggested on their wish lists and not really getting anything worthwhile in exchange.

I did the Oxfam goat thing for my two nephews a few years back, as they were very spoiled by their parents and clearly expecting the same from me .... there was a long silence during which I expected their mum to explain to them why it was a good thing, a poor person would benefit etc etc, a little nudge about them having so much and others having nothing. Nope, she was silent too, all glaring at me. That was the last time for me!

So what if they call you “greedy”
The one calling me greedy is my own DH because I don’t want to buy everyone expensive gifts!

This is insane, you need to put your foot down, the budget is unrealistic, whether it’s tatt or not. Tell them that next Christmas you will only be buying for the kids, as you’re saving for University fees for your D.C.

Enough is enough.

My ex MIL used to do something like this, I got an awful Primark satin nightshirt that was 3 sizes too small, I asked for money one year as I was saving for a designer handbag, I got given an awful copy bought from a market in Spain. The first bin collection after Christmas had both items sneaked in, the charity shops got the copy perfumes & cosmetics every year. They eventually got the message when they realised that they never saw their gifts being worn or used & gave me money instead.

That’s not the point. The issue is we’re giving SIL £140 of good gifts that her family actually wants, and in return receiving £140 of tat that we donate to a charity shop. It makes me angry. We can’t afford to spend that money and get nothing in return!

So what are you going to do about it? You need to speak up or nothing will change and moaning about it on MN isn't going to help you!

The one calling me greedy is my own DH because I don’t want to buy everyone expensive gifts!

Your DH is a fool. Book him onto a self esteem course for his Xmas present.

To be brutally honest if I were in the family and saw your posts here I wouldn't be buying you any gift. Ever

ushuaiamonamour

Can you not see that would be a great result for the op. That is exactly what she would like.

It would also be a great result for landfill, climate change and the environment

Have you thought this year you start to fight back and give your presents in the same vein. Cheap knock offs.

See how they like it. After all you could act all innocent and say you had taken some time to realise that the Christmas list was only a guide not a request.

I feel for you and yanbu.

There are 2 issues here

1. You don’t want to spend this much
2. You want what’s actually in the list

Stop conflating them.
Your best bet is to accept 1. Which you sound like you begrudgingly have.
Your husbands accusation of “greed” which I find weird simply doesn’t apply to no 2.

I would directly and unambiguously say you thought about it and you need to ask her (SIL) to return the Aldi train set and get the one your son wants. You understand this means less things but it’s fine. Any argument from her and ask if she’d like a fake pandora and extra gifts...

If she does say great and buy her a mountain of shite but you would still need her to stick to the list.
If she doesn’t agree to return the train set, I would return the pandora and order her some “Shamdora” of off aliexpress.
See how she likes it

Next Christmas I’d escalate further and get fake things that are similar to the list but but actually the right thing at all. Ie pandora heart charm requested, shamdora miniature London bus necklace given

Considering their attitude, I wouldn't be buying them anything at all.

Agree with pp, your DH is ridiculous. He needs to swallow his pride.

Greedy my arse!

This is just crazy!

Can you reply to her text about the train set to say 'oh good, I've found a cheaper version of your pandora ring on eBay too so I'll just get that instead and a surprise'

She might not be that keen when it's her stuff.

Or you just bite the bullet and text her saying your ds would rather have the train set he wanted so would she mind returning the Aldi one and getting the one he actually wants and you'll make sure you stick to the actual list too.

This is actual bullshit. You need to discuss this with your in-laws. You need to tell them that all the tat they buy goes straight in the bin. I think a little honesty is best now—you’ve tried to come up with other ways to solve the issue with lists and budgets etc but it’s not worked so move on to being blunt as hell because clearly they’re not getting it.

And all the people saying it’s tit for tat I mean maybe a little, but if this happens year in year out then I’m pretty sure it’s getting wearing for the OP. I don’t understand what this thing with not buying gifts for adults is??? We do a couple of gifts for each adult in our family. Christmas isn’t only for the kids. I want to buy my dad something nice to thank him for the support he gives me through the year and something for my husband that’s a nice surprise—what’s wrong with that?

I ask for specific things from family because they want to buy me a gift but I hate surprises but I tell them if you can’t/don’t want to get this very specific thing then either get me nothing or something simple like a cake and I’ll be just as happy. Cant be doing with knock-offs I totally get it OP—it’s a waste of money.

Jsut realised I've said exactly the same as Trojanpony as not rtft, sorry!

Yanbu

Friend of mine asked for a jo malone candle

Christmas day she got an asda one from her husband as it 'smelt the same'

@TealTurnip I feel for you, as this is clearly an ingrained from with your DH and his family. My MIL also loves to give lots of tat/presents regardless of whether the recipient actually wants them.

Could you sell on ebay some of what they give you?

I'm petty, so I definitely wouldn't give them nice quality items in return.

Out of interest, why does your DH value their feelings above yours? It's really not very nice that he calls you greedy and disregards how you feel about this whole thing.

I know exactly what you mean re. branded items.
I just bought some GHDs for myself. If I'd asked for them as a gift, they would have to be GHDs. I have straighteners, and I'm upgrading, anything else would be a complete waste of time and money buying.
Can you call the stuff by the brand name, so when they say I got them the train set, you say oh that's lovely he was really looking forward to the brio set. And keep calling it the brio set.

Can you add only enough to you Amazon list that there is only enough for them to buy each?

Tell your DH if he wants to buy his family gifts, to buy them himself and go shopping himself. It sounds like you have to do all the work otherwise he chirps you're being greedy for not wanting to spend money on his family. I bet he doesn't see how expensive it is either. The figures a bit abstract when you're not spending. £40 doesn't sound like much when you talk about 1 person but when you've entered your card in 10 - 15 times for 'just 40 quid' it definitely feels like a lot..

I like buying gifts for people, and don't really expect anything in return. I try not to spend a lot, feel terribly guilty when someone has bought me and they didn't make my list. But I dislike the 'we're only buying for children' rules. It's hardly fair on the childless adults who are expected to buy for kids and get nothing in return. You don't give to receive but if everyone does that, suddenly it feels sad when you've spent 200 on various kids and have just one gift from your partner. Plus it makes it sound like christmas is only about the children not about the whole family.

You need to step away from the whole issue and leave it to your husband to deal with. Lists are basic, even for the children so ask for things they don’t really care about or that you can regift for birthdays etc. He does ALL of his families shopping, you do none. Even if there is then nothing to give them on Christmas Day. His family, his issues. Walk away from it. I did and it’s liberating in the extreme.

OP I completely agree with you and think your DH needs to back you up! You may have to get tough, and actually say that their gifts are not suitable. The problem with DCs is that when it comes to gifts they don't tend to want any old train set, they want a particular model that they have seen … so SIL's cheaper model will not go down well. Maybe even say 'he doesn't like it, it's not the one he wanted' - I can't really see how much clearer you have to be, they really aren't listening to you, are they? If you get cheap alternatives this year I think I would be doing what my friend does: she buys the gifts for her family and then gives them to her DSis and DM to wrap up, and they do the same for her. Not exactly in the spirit of gift-giving, but I really don't see what else you can do.

It doesn't sound like the gifts will be sellable on ebay, so that's not a solution.

Nobody is going to buy unbranded stuff from the OP unless it's for pennies, because there are already millions of Chinese sellers already selling all this stuff for not very much at all.

For a small individual to get anywhere near decent money on ebay, the item needs to be branded and in short supply, collectable, or perhaps to large to be posted economically from overseas.

To really set them off this Christmas could you buy your Ds the train set he actually wants and present it to him as a gift from you saying you got it because you knew SIL/MIL had not been able to get it so knew he would be disappointed.

Of course say it pleasantly with a smile on your face.

Personally I would do it for every present.

It might cost a lot but it might finally get it through to them.
Unwrap the a gift to yourself saying I got my self this leather bound book because I knew I was not going to receive what I wanted so decided to treat myself.

Could you leave the tat presents behind when they leave? Then if anyone asks what to do with them tell them to charity shop or bin them

You could end up with WW3 but do you care

You probably can’t change these people (or even your DH...) but you can change your response.

I would go out of my way to get the cheapest possible versions of the stuff they ask for and spend the whole budget. For example 5 pandora rip offs for SIL or even 10 if you can get them. Gush about the value for money and how many MORE you have been able to buy. I’m damned if I would buy diamonds for people who think I’m only good enough for cubic zirconia 😀 And I don’t think you’d need to do this more than once because on the approach to next Christmas it would be so much easier to have the conversation about exactly what are we buying - from the list or LIKE the list - because they would know that you’re prepared to give them piles of shit too.

It's mean but I'd be inclined to return the lego and Pandora ring and buy cheaper versions and some of the other smaller things on their list then let Sil deal with her disappointed ds on Xmas day. If you've already ticked them off as purchased on the gift list, text Sil and say you've returned them as you've seen a good deal on Wilkos blox/fake Pandora which you know they'd love even more and now you've got more money to buy more off the list.

My parents have a habit of buying something similar but not quite what is asked for. They no longer buy for me but the whole of my teens/20s was receiving gifts that weren't quite what I wanted despite my parents asking incessantly from JULY what we wanted. An example was me asking for a hand blender, they bought me a food processor as it 'is better and was on offer'. It was better but I lived in a bedsit which they had visited and knew full well what the size of my 'kitchen' was. I had to return it as I had no room for it.

OP as others have said return your gifts that are what they've actually asked for, and replace them with cheap, something-like-it alternatives. Then buy even more tat to make up the agreed gift spending.

I know this will horrify you. Yes it's a total waste of your money that you would rather spend on other things. But it may well put a stop to their behaviour, because at the moment there are no consequences to them, they still get the good stuff. And even if it doesn't stop it, at least you won't be seething that you got them what they wanted and they didn't do the same for you.

Yes, gifts shouldn't be tat for tat, but sometimes needs must.

The main problem is that you and your DH are not on the same page so you need work on this. We had this after getting married, our familes have very different expectations about presents. I was more like your DH trying to impress, from the other side I had problems with sort of cheaper version of gifts. I would rather have small box of nice chocolates then a lot of nightdresses, make up, fragrances which I would never use. And I mainly had this problem with my side of the family. I don’t have a particular advice but the main thing is budgeting wisely. Your aim should be thoughtful gift rather than competition in spending. Your family and your financial interests should come first. You are separate unit financially and need to look after your own needs so your gifts should be what you can do rather than response for the other party. Don’t give them your list, only for DS, don’t take list from them. Buy them what you want. In the mean time tell them about train set and return Lego and Pandora gifts and buy nice cheaper version. This thing about budget is insane. But again it’s easier said than done, you need to work on your DH attitude.

Oh the year I wanted a bat winged black leather jacket ..think teenager think 80s people! I got a burgandy non bat winged leather jacket....I am approaching 50 now and I know I should let go but it haunts me!!!!!!!

OP, please return your branded gifts and replace with fake Pandora and fake lego, I'm sure you will only have to do this once!