AIBU to expect people not to buy cheap knock offs for Christmas?

[TealTurnip]

My family has always done a Christmas wish list. We find it takes the pressure off if you have no idea what to get someone, and mostly avoids unwanted gifts that end up being Ebayed.

SIL and MIL have repeatedly told DH they’ve found a replica of an item on my wish list. For example a £5 Chinese knock off of a keyring that costs £20. Or a £10 candle that looks similar to a £30 candle. Or a £2 bar of chocolate that’s the same flavour as a £6 bar of chocolate.

It isn’t a money issue. We all have a gift budget of £40 for adults and £60 for kids (to avoid awkwardness because some people can’t afford to spend as much). DH reckons they just think they can get more gifts for the same money and don’t realise/care that it’s not the same.

I’m getting narked now though. I’ve just bought DNephew some branded toys from his wish list and now found out that SIL has bought DS a train set from Aldi that’s “a quarter of the price but exactly the same” as the Brio train set on his wish list.

I’m prepared to be told IABU and should be grateful for any gift, but I feel like I’m buying them all the good stuff they’ve suggested on their wish lists and not really getting anything worthwhile in exchange.

Ideally gifts wouldn't be tit for tat but realistically, as families get bigger but still want to exchange gifts, then some broad agreement on amount spent saves people feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed by a very obvious difference in gift value.

I'd be embarrassed if someone bought me say, a 100 gift while I'm giving them a book and box of chocs. Likewise, I'm conscious that we have more money than some siblings and they might feel awkward if their dc receive higher value gifts from us than they can afford to spend on ours.

Ops family have agreed budgets and decided that wishlists are preferable to potentially buying something that won't be used or isn't to the persons taste. If that's what everyone has agreed then it's understandable they're irritated by SIL going off piste. It doesn't make them grabby or obsessed with conspicuous consumption but it does suggest this is no longer working so perhaps Teal you need to toughen up and open this conversation again, ideally making a change that better suits your budget.

I'm with you, OP. They should just get what's on the list. It all sounds like a nightmare especially when you're on a small budget.

This year my mum and dad have asked me not to get them presents as they don't need/want anything, my brother doesn't do Christmas, I never exchange presents with my in-laws and PIL just send money. So, I'm just buying for the kids really. Which is actually kind of nice. I can get them stuff I know they'll love and there's no waste. I'll probably buy able to myself a few nice things for a change too.

All this fuss about Xmas. I would just like my mum and dad back to make a fuss of

My parents died when I was 21 (dad) and 24 (mom). I make a fuss about Christmas, because I love it. One doesn't really have anything to do with the other. 🤷

Also, I think in the OP's case, it's not that the family will just give the Aldi train set, but they will buy a load of other stuff to add to it. I can see why the OP would rather one large present their kid will really love, rather than 20 that will probably end up broken or ignored. But, I think some people can't help themselves at Christmas and think more is better.

Imo you need to have the conversation about gifts at a time other than Christmas. It’s no good raising the subject in Nov and saying you only want token gifts when they’ve already bought you stuff. Maybe Easter, before anyone has bought gifts.

Unfortunately my problem is my DH. When I mention wanting to raise the subject of spending less he accuses me of being greedy and spoiling Christmas. Which is true - I’d rather keep my money and treat myself to what I want instead of buying gifts for others and basically throwing the money away because I get bugger all decent gifts in return.

Blooming in your case you need to state that you're not buying for adults and then stick to it! Yes I know that will feel very awkward but after the first year you will have made it clear that this is what you're doing and you'll very likely find they'll then stop buying for you.

You don't want to buy for adults. You don't have to get their agreement on that but if you definitely want it all to stop then, in the nicest possible way, you need to toughen up and accept that you will initially feel awkward. Just make it clear now so it doesn't come as a surprise on the day.

Your family’s entire gift-giving dynamic is consumerism gone absolutely mad. You don’t have to do any of this, just say you’re opting out! I make it very clear to my (admittedly tiny) family, and any friends who might feel inclined to buy a gift, that I don’t want one and I won’t be buying any gifts for anyone, because I do not want any part in this materialistic one-upmanship. Nobody NEEDS piles of stuff

I think you will need to accept this is how it is or do the same as SIL. May be get alternative for them. Say you have taken a leaf out of her book and can see how you get more presents for the budget. Crossing fingers that she doesn’t like alternatives. Sod’s
Law she might love them.

It does seem a waste if DS isn’t going to get the set he wanted. I suppose he could join it to set his dad will get him. Did the list specify DS wanted farm set?

Perhaps next year have loads of ultra specific items. That gives plenty choice if items out of stock etc and will add to surprise as it will only likely get a small percentage of the list.

Cantsleep We are the only ones with kids so if I say that I’m not buying for adults, it means they will most probably buy gifts for our children and receive nothing in return. It really is awkward as it is a huge waste of money and I really resent buying them what they request (and they do request things) and receiving tat in return. Last year I told them what I’d like and it was completely ignored.

I know gifts shouldn’t be tit for tat.

Not tit for tat but tat for tat

I can see why the OP would rather one large present their kid will really love, rather than 20 that will probably end up broken or ignored
It’s not just that. The pirate boat on DS’s list is made by a small business that creates jobs and uses sustainably sourced wood, and they donate to a charity that supports schools in third world countries. Replacing it with three items made in Chinese sweatshops isn’t the same.

Have you said that the list route isn't working as yes you get loads of presents but nothing you actually put down on the list.

I would step away from the present giving next year.

@TealTurnip yeah, that’s pretty ghastly when you add that sustainability element too. I’d run an interception now and tell her that a cheaper and crappier alternative isn’t acceptable for your son. If anything, ask for a gift receipt. If she’s so proud of what she spent, this shouldn’t be a problem for her, in theory.

In that case Blooming either ask that they don't buy for your dc either or you switch to token gifts such as wine, chocolates etc. When gift giving has turned into obligation then it's time to make a change but that might involve not caring so much what people might think. Your own feelings of awkwardness are what you have to get past.

Honestly, I did it years ago with siblings. It was a little awkward having the conversation but I did it anyway. For me it wasn't so much about cost but about the time and effort involved in finding gifts for people who really weren't easy to buy for. My child free siblings still buy for my dc but that's their choice. They get a token gift from the dc but that's more about wanting mine to learn that it's nice to think of others than feeling obliged to reciprocate.

I've had friends buy gifts despite agreeing we would stop and you know what? I didn't rush to get a gift in return or go back to buying for them the next year. They stopped again and nobody fell out with anyone else.

Did the list specify DS wanted farm set?
Yes. And there was a link to where to buy it. And she asked DH what DS wanted the most and they clicked the link and looked at the farm train set together. Then she bought a similar but cheaper train set that DS doesn’t want, and will spend the saved cash on another item he also doesn’t want. So I’ve had to buy the farm train set myself even though I couldn’t afford an extra present.

A week earlier she told DH she’d bought the keyring on my wishlist for a quarter of the price on Amazon, from a seller who has illegally pinched the photos of the official item. It’s getting annoying because I’ve bought gifts they want and I’m basically getting nothing in return because the unwanted tat will go to the charity shop.

Have you ever said in a surprised tone

"Oh have we gone off list this year"

Teal I can't understand why your DH stays mute when she flippin' tells him this! Seriously, they're siblings, can he not open his mouth and say 'Ooh sorry sis but can you cancel/return that because I know DW only likes this specific one'? Why the fear of discommoding her?

He does tell her not to buy substitutes. He tells his mother too. They don’t always listen and they don’t always ask his opinion. He just shrugs his shoulders and says he can’t stop them. Then when I want to stop exchanging gifts because they’re wasting money on tat he calls me greedy.

So they know but do it anyway, wow! That just says they don't give a shit.

Next year don't give a list and tell everyone you don't want anything. Stick to that, you honestly just don't want anything and you'd prefer they didn't buy for you. Tell them you're going minimal, concerned about the environment, whatever, you're not doing a list. Leave DH to concern himself with their wants and their lists if that's so important to him, you've opted out.

Seriously, he's worried about being seen as the 'poor relation' by not keeping up with the spending while they're thinking 'meh, that cheap version is good enough for DB and his family' ? They know precisely what they want, aren't shy about saying what they like and expect to get it . Sorry but just no way would I continue to play along with that, gifts aren't supposed to be a way to insult people.

It’s getting to the point now that we sit and think of ideas for stuff to put on our wish lists just so they have something to buy. Because if we don’t put something on the list they’ll just buy random rubbish. I put tea towels and a bottle opener on my list because I need them anyway. DH has a spirit level on his list. If there isn’t enough choice on our lists we’ll have a repeat of the year that SIL spent £80 on plastic board games as a joint present for us.

We can’t not do a list. Then they really will waste money on random shit!

You’re not be greedy at all, you’re being sensible. He’s probably lashing out at you because he feels he’s able to versus his mother and sister. If you’re mentally able, I’d start telling him, “I am not being greedy, I’m being frugal. It costs less money, effort, time, and emotional distress/upset to DS if we just buy the good quality items we all know we would enjoy. I feel the money is better spent on making us all happy rather than waste it on cheap filler.”

And then start buying them selection boxes next year. Or, only use £15 of the £40 budget and reallocate the difference to your small immediate family.

So just pass them to the charity shop or regift them. She's clearly not bothered so why should you be? A polite thank you, pass them on and forget it. You had no expectations so can't be disappointed.

I’d stop buying for adults.

It makes me cringe,all these big Christmas lists that people make. It surely makes some people anxious and worried,if they cannot afford all the stuff wanted on the lists.. And with some people,its like they only want the best of everything,and not a simple cheaper gift.

In the oldie days, children were usually very happy to receive a couple of gifts from parents or grandparents.and nobody was bothered about big name brands.