AIBU to expect people not to buy cheap knock offs for Christmas?

[TealTurnip]

My family has always done a Christmas wish list. We find it takes the pressure off if you have no idea what to get someone, and mostly avoids unwanted gifts that end up being Ebayed.

SIL and MIL have repeatedly told DH they’ve found a replica of an item on my wish list. For example a £5 Chinese knock off of a keyring that costs £20. Or a £10 candle that looks similar to a £30 candle. Or a £2 bar of chocolate that’s the same flavour as a £6 bar of chocolate.

It isn’t a money issue. We all have a gift budget of £40 for adults and £60 for kids (to avoid awkwardness because some people can’t afford to spend as much). DH reckons they just think they can get more gifts for the same money and don’t realise/care that it’s not the same.

I’m getting narked now though. I’ve just bought DNephew some branded toys from his wish list and now found out that SIL has bought DS a train set from Aldi that’s “a quarter of the price but exactly the same” as the Brio train set on his wish list.

I’m prepared to be told IABU and should be grateful for any gift, but I feel like I’m buying them all the good stuff they’ve suggested on their wish lists and not really getting anything worthwhile in exchange.

i know we all have different wealth but holy shit batman im still agog at people having that much money to spend.oh it pure jealousy onbiously.but to spend that much on family wow.your very lucky.

Is it a physical list? If it is wrote in CAPITALS the brand and model of everything. And underline it. And make a point of explaining over and over again that it is VERY important that it is exactly those ones otherwise you will end up buying them. Just tell them outright. If you tell them straight out and they keep doing it then they are doing it on purpose.

And for heaven's sake, do the same back to them. But don't even make them close copies. Just buy tat versions.

To be fair Kate she's not that lucky. The budgeted amount is after talking them down from higher amounts that Op said she and DH couldn't afford. No doubt Op, like plenty of people, can think of other things she could spend that money on such as some of the items on her list that she still doesn't bloody get.

Could you not perhaps ask for vouchers. If, for instance the train set was being sold at 'smyths Toy Shop', then ask for a 'Smyths voucher'.
If you wanted something from 'Boots', ask for a 'Boots Voucher'.
That way you can then buy the right items from your preferred shop.

It is such a relief not to buy for adults! DP and I buy each other a small token gift to make a point (of modelling thoughtful giving in moderation and gratitude) to DC. We don't buy for anyone else and nobody buys for us.
Having previously gone a bit OTT on the DC, we're scaling right down this year, doing the 4 gift rhyme thing.
Liberating.

Neither my family or in laws buy any gifts for adults, makes life so much easier

Deciding to do a secret santa for the adults was the most liberating thing we ever did, I really can't understand why people buy for all their family of adults.

Off topic a little, but - Ikea wooden train track is not great, but is very handy to pop the plastic ends out, and maybe add to another piece, when you inevitably need a piece with the same part at each end.

its like rola cola...adidas 5 stripe trainers and windwick candles....they are just not the same! Been there recieved that OP I totally get you!! Last year I was over run with windwick candles...cos they look and smell just the same err no they don;t! And the thing is they were 3.99 each I got 8 yes 8 but for the money that was wasted I would have happily just settled for 1 woodwick one ...wonder what this year will bring???!!!!!!

This is so weird, I was prepared to say YABU because we do cheap knockoffs or frankly no one would get anything. But you are the ones wanting to spend less? And they spend to budget anyway? So weird!

Definitely raise it with her, say it's wonderful she's trying to get DS but you don't have space for the extra toys maybe? So would just prefer the single one you specified..

SIL is a bit like this. Last Christmas DD2 wanted a Cinderella costume. Instead of buying one semi decent one (not expensive, £12 from Asda would have been great) she spent £30 on 10 cheap, falling to pieces costumes from China. None of which were Cinderella. All of which are now in the bin as they were in bits within weeks. It makes absolutely no sense to me. MIL is always going on about what a thoughtful, fantastic gift giver SIL is ‘because she gets so much for her money’.

And I hate the waste. I hate throwing things away after a couple of weeks because it has fallen to pieces.

So just pass them to the charity shop. You had no expectations so can't be disappointed
That’s not the point. The issue is we’re giving SIL £140 of good gifts that her family actually wants, and in return receiving £140 of tat that we donate to a charity shop. It makes me angry. We can’t afford to spend that money and get nothing in return!

And with some people,its like they only want the best of everything,and not a simple cheaper gift
If SIL and MIL were buying cheaper alternative gifts because they had no money that would be fine. But they’re not. They’re taking the price of one desired item and using it to buy 3-4 undesired items that we throw out. Imo one item that we want would be better than three items that we don’t want.

im still agog at people having that much money to spend
We don’t have that much money to spend. We do without other things to afford Christmas because the rest of them won’t agree to spend less and DH won’t let us show ourselves as the poor relatives. And when I say I want to spend less I get called greedy.

Is it a physical list? If it is wrote in CAPITALS the brand and model of everything
It’s an Amazon wish list with a photo and clickable link. I don’t see how much clearer it can be?

Could you not perhaps ask for vouchers
I wish! They want to wrap and give gifts. A pile of gifts. And they’re buying cheap replicas so they have more items to wrap for the same budget.

Deciding to do a secret santa for the adults was the most liberating thing we ever did, I really can't understand why people buy for all their family of adults.
I’d love to do that! Suggested it and got called greedy for not wanting to buy a gift for everyone.

This is insane. I just can't understand your DHs way of thinking over this at all. Your in laws are totally taking the piss with the piles of crap.

I couldn't help but call them out on it during the gift exchange. It might 'ruin Christmas' but this needs to stop or else you'll spend the rest of your lives effectively spending hundreds of pounds on cheap crap you don't want while their spending buys them nice things that they do want. Madness.

Quite likely your relatives expect to please you by giving you more gifts than they could have buying brand names. To be brutally honest if I were in the family and saw your posts here I wouldn't be buying you any gift. Ever. I'm always disheartened by this tit-for-tat attitude toward gifts I see on MN; it's sometimes on display in threads about weddings, where posters calculate price of the meal v price of the gift. It's small-minded and grasping.

The way to receive a gift is with pleased surprise, or the pretense of it, and a happy 'Thank you!'. The only way.

Honestly OP, buy the knock off Pandora ring for SIL. When she opens it gush about how it's 'exactly like the one she wanted!' or however she phrases her knock offs to you. The extra gift you hand over the difference of is a charity goat. See, you to can get so much for your money while getting them 'what they asked for' sweetly smiling at SIL

That’s exactly what’s annoying me. We’re giving them nice treats but getting a load of unwanted tat in return. And I look at the pile of tat and get angry because it adds up to the equivalent of a couple of nice treats. I don’t have money to spare for treats and it’s annoying to think I could have had something nice instead of a pile of rubbish that will just get chucked out.

But the OP doesn't want to do gifts for adults, but everyone else is insisting.

So they have agreed budgets and lists so people get what they want and money isn't wasted.

But everyone except the OP ignores the list and buys crap.

So the OPs family are receiving crap they don't want while the OP is sticking to the agreement and being fucked over by the in-laws and she is the one being called greedy. If she carries on being politely grateful, things will never change.

I think that despite budgets and wish lists, people seem to have forgotten these are GIFTS.

And if your DH buys your DS a second and more correct train set, well, I frankly think that is a waste of money, environmentally questionable and a terrible example for your child. Better to spend ten minutes managing expectations and teaching him the VALUE in gifts, and how to accept them gracefully, even if they are not exactly the one you wanted.

I honestly dispair if the spoilt behaviour and attitudes of people.

Quite likely your relatives expect to please you by giving you more gifts than they could have buying brand names
But I don’t see the point if I want the branded item and bin the replica. It isn’t about quantity of gifts, it’s about buying something nice that the other person will like.

The way to receive a gift is with pleased surprise, or the pretense of it
It gets annoying very quickly when you’re giving nice gifts and repeatedly receiving a bag of rubbish to chuck out. Hundreds of pounds worth of rubbish that could have been substituted with something you actually wanted.

I totally agree with you op of much rather have one good thing than a pile of tat luckily my family are exactly the same , there me also the issue of of similar but not the same items that you can’t sell them on or even give them on when you are finished meaning they end up worthless .
This year with my kids clothes I buy good branded things and very little of them meaning I can sell on and recoup some cash to buy the kids the next stuff they need , if you buy loads of cheap worthless stuff you end up no one wants it , such a waste .

YANBU, I wish people would just get what's asked for sometimes! Maybe you need to reduce the amount spent on each other?

Yes, return the stuff you've bought and get cheaper, as that seems to be fine for everyone else involved.Why not suggest a change for next year, token gifts only with a max of £5/£ for everyone, donation to charity etc. Then you are all free to spend your own money on the things you actually want and less ends up in landfill.

Can’t you just tell them firmly that that you’ve stopped doing gifts other than for your own children and that you will refuse any gifts they try to give you?
So what if they call you “greedy”, it doesn’t even make sense, you want less not more!

They sound dumb.

I think that despite budgets and wish lists, people seem to have forgotten these are GIFTS
Gifts usually equates to ”crap that I don’t want”. A waste of time, money and resources. I’d prefer not to receive gifts at all. But if people insist on giving gifts then its sensible to either keep the budget extremely small or buy from a list of suggestions.

And if your DH buys your DS a second and more correct train set, well, I frankly think that is a waste of money
He wants the Brio farm train set like his friend has. Receiving a substitute doesn’t stop you wanting the original item. He may well be polite and grateful for the substitute but he’ll still want the farm set. For his birthday, or out of his saved pocket money. I’ll end up buying the farm set eventually and the one SIL bought won’t get used, no matter how polite and grateful he is.