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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect people not to buy cheap knock offs for Christmas?

149 replies

TealTurnip · 24/11/2018 22:58

My family has always done a Christmas wish list. We find it takes the pressure off if you have no idea what to get someone, and mostly avoids unwanted gifts that end up being Ebayed.

SIL and MIL have repeatedly told DH they’ve found a replica of an item on my wish list. For example a £5 Chinese knock off of a keyring that costs £20. Or a £10 candle that looks similar to a £30 candle. Or a £2 bar of chocolate that’s the same flavour as a £6 bar of chocolate.

It isn’t a money issue. We all have a gift budget of £40 for adults and £60 for kids (to avoid awkwardness because some people can’t afford to spend as much). DH reckons they just think they can get more gifts for the same money and don’t realise/care that it’s not the same.

I’m getting narked now though. I’ve just bought DNephew some branded toys from his wish list and now found out that SIL has bought DS a train set from Aldi that’s “a quarter of the price but exactly the same” as the Brio train set on his wish list.

I’m prepared to be told IABU and should be grateful for any gift, but I feel like I’m buying them all the good stuff they’ve suggested on their wish lists and not really getting anything worthwhile in exchange.

OP posts:
Thomlin · 25/11/2018 00:05

I really would use the train set as the "excuse" to mention the swapping of gifts in general. Explain your DS specifically wants that set, so if SIL isn't buying it you'll need to buy it too. This would piss me off to be honest and I was over the moon when brother and SIL had a child 2 years ago so I could say, lets just do the kids now will we? I'd buy them really nice stuff they liked and I'd get honesty any old shite that was on offer in whatever store they'd walked into first. a wine glass covered in pink glitter and mini bottle of rose when they know I don't drink!!!

lifetothefull · 25/11/2018 00:08

Our budget for kids in the family is between £15 and £20. Sil and bil - we usually buy them something we’ve enjoyed drinking Wine - works for us. None of the family are hard up so that’s not the reason we’ve set it low. It still feels like there are a lot of presents. Definitely doesn’t spoil Christmas.

sparklewater · 25/11/2018 00:15

Yanbu

Some of my family do this. We set a £10/15 limit once kids came on the scene to keep costs down. Every year I suggest a couple of things that might come to that sort of amount and every year I get three or four crappy versions of those things. Feels so ungrateful Confused

AjasLipstick · 25/11/2018 00:16

We all have a gift budget of £40 for adults and £60 for kids (to avoid awkwardness because some people can’t afford to spend as much)

See...that's quite a lot of money OP. Maybe they're not as well off as you!

Original poster
TealTurnip · 25/11/2018 00:17

They are way better off than us. And it’s irrelevant anyway because we all spend the same amount regardless of whether it’s one decent gift or ten cheap ones.

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 25/11/2018 00:17

I can’t get my head around families who ‘negotiate a budget’ although I’ve seen it many times on mumsnet before. I just spend what I can afford and so do my family. I earn more than my brother so probably tend to buy more expensive gifts because I can afford to but I wouldn’t expect them to spend more than their budget allowed on me.

6triesbuttingout · 25/11/2018 00:22

All this fuss about Xmas. I would just like my mum and dad back to make a fuss of

Original poster
TealTurnip · 25/11/2018 00:25

We feel awkward if we spend less on them than they do on us. And DH was trying to match their spending because he felt like he had to, and it was getting out of hand. So I suggested a budget, which I originally wanted to be much lower than it ended up being. One of the reasons I wanted a budget was because of how much money they were wasting on crap that we didn’t want. I figured that them wasting £40 was better than wasting perhaps £100.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/11/2018 00:25

There is very little difference between Brio and supermarket wooden railway. It's certainly not worth two or three times the price. And I say that as an absolute master builder of the most complicated wonden rail tracks on the planet, thanks to DS's mahoosive collection of wooden railway, sources as cheaply as possibly from anywhere and everywhere.

Badtasteflump · 25/11/2018 00:25

I think it’s pretty crappy that you and your DH are left not being able to afford presents for each other because you feel obligated to over-spend on other relatives.

I would tell them all that you are tightening your budget and are only going to buy them a small gift each, because you want to be able to buy for each other. If they continue to spend more that’s their choice - gifts shouldn’t be tit for tat anyway - whatever happened to the joy of giving?

I hate that aspect of Christmas - and IMO gift lists should be for children only.

JingsMahBucket · 25/11/2018 00:27

@6triesbuttingout no need to minimize other people’s problems. You have no idea if the OP has lost important family members either. People can care about multiple things.

AamdC · 25/11/2018 00:31

You know its Xmas and as i said on the other thread you can spend what you want but it does seem like your just all spending for the sake of it?

Badtasteflump · 25/11/2018 00:31

All this fuss about Xmas. I would just like my mum and dad back to make a fuss of

In the nicest possible way, how is that relevant?

imamum21 · 25/11/2018 00:32

why not do the same? buy cheaper and if they say anything just say oh i thought we would get more for our money.

get your DH to mention it in passing or something

Angharad07 · 25/11/2018 00:33

You sound like a family that has bought into the happy joy that is Christmas consumerism

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 25/11/2018 00:35

Teal It's a month until Christmas, there's time for her to return the cheaper/not what he wanted item but you or DH need to politely tell her. I get that it's annoying but your only options are to put up with it (and actually spend more money because you say you'll buy the one he wanted anyway) or address it.

When she says she's spotted X that's your/DH opportunity to say 'actually SIL, the one he has his heart set on is . If you can't get that you could choose '.

This is what your family have agreed among you to do for Christmas. If SIL doesn't want to stick to that then it might be time to suggest token gifts/no gifts/family outing instead.

Original poster
TealTurnip · 25/11/2018 00:36

I know gifts shouldn’t be tit for tat. We did the “joy of giving” thing for several years. MIL and SIL were spending (wasting) a fortune and DH was breaking the bank trying to match them because he didn’t want to be seen as the poor relative. I suggested a budget to stop DH spending so much.

OP posts:
FunshineCareBear · 25/11/2018 00:43

Yanbu. I have a family member who does this. It normally results in people getting something similar, cheaper but it's not what you actually wanted. For example it won't have the extra feature they actually wanted it for or it isn't quite right (think wax melts but not suitable for your scentsy etc) so essentially pointless and goes unused or un-played with and means they've wasted their money rather than got more for it. You can't say much without looking ungrateful.

Perfectly1mperfect · 25/11/2018 00:51

Start doing the same for them then and hope they'll get the message

I'd do this^. Not for the children but for the adults who insist on buying your child the cheaper alternatives. Maybe they will realise then. YANBU. If it was about reducing the amount spent because they were struggling, then that would be very different.

sollyfromsurrey · 25/11/2018 00:53

Just yell them that as there is a spending budget/guide, you would rather have fewer if the exact items on the list rather than more replicas of them

Pinkprincess1978 · 25/11/2018 00:54

I am totally with you! As a very young adult I started collecting a certain toy (a toy I wanted as a young child and didn't get) now it was kind of important to get theses toys new. My mum started getting me 2nd hand versions - she went to a car boot and brought home 4. It just wasn't the same.

A few years later I started collecting a certain ornament. They were only £10/£12 each di not that expensive but my dm and nana started to get me a cheaper £5 version (that also came with similar ornament so two for one in their eyes only I didn't collect the other one).

I just don't get it. Get what people ask for. Now if you can get the correct thing in the same great, but if not don't go for a similar but cheaper version.

loubluee · 25/11/2018 00:55

Take the ring back and buy a similar one off eBay. Job done, point made.

Bambamber · 25/11/2018 00:59

I will never understand why people spend more than they can afford at Christmas, especially just to spend the same as others. Neither my family or in laws buy any gifts for adults, makes life so much easier

Jackshouse · 25/11/2018 01:02

I would mention the kids being upset as they only want specific presents and you are trying to buy them less stuff as you don’t want them overwhelmed and it’s better for the environment.

Then next summer I would say we have looked at our budget and we are going to have to cut back on Christmas next year/not do adult gifts at all.

Bloominglovely · 25/11/2018 01:03

I’d really like if those of you who say not to buy into Christmas consumerism by returning only token gifts could tell me how to do this in practice rather than have that awkward moment when you receive 20 pounds of stuff you didn’t want and give 20 of stuff they didn’t want in return?

It is all very well to say it but in DH’s family, they all ask for specific items which we give and they give us gifts that were bought on offer but not with us in mind. However they also buy our young children gifts and spend another 20 pounds on them. I have repeatedly asked them not to buy me anything and to only buy for the children but they refuse. Despite us earning significantly less, Christmas costs us heaps more and most things are given to the charity shop in the new year.

I honestly do not know how to manage it as we are the only ones with children and it really irritates me to spend so much money on gifts they request when they earn twice our income.