Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

[Staceyjas]

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks

My son has recently been given a HA flat, he is on UC and couldnt afford to host a whole lot of people for a Christmas dinner, but he is a good cook and has worked as a chef,also loves cooking, so he has asked a few friends round, mostly people who dont have families to go to, and asking them to chip in £5 ,plus bring drinks,
I will make them a trifle, my speciality, hate cooking, and i think that is fair

We take in in turns with my sister to host, normally 20 of us. If my sister is hosting we will bring a case of prosecco, cheese board, grapes , soft drinks and crackers. I will also make some canapés, my mum will cook a leg of lamb and my sister provides the rest. Turkey crown from the farm shop is nearby £70. My other sister who comes with her partner we just tell her to bring a bottle of champagne, brother who is own his own and doesn't drink we don't expect him to bring anything. My sisters MIL makes a lovely selection of puddings, she also comes to us when we host , OHs parents always give us money when we host which we never ask for. They eat with SIL the years we go to my sister then my sister has them all up Christmas evening for tea. Love it that both families get on so well.

£17 spounds cheap to me, i was invited somewhere and they wanted £50 each safe to say i didnt go

I suspect the word 'charge' may be in his head, when what his DM means is 'contribution'. If everyone just turns up every year expecting her to provide a full christmas spread then I sort of see her point. If she's struggling now to do it and has to buy it in, then it only seems fair for everyone else to chip in (as they should have done before.

Our family has always 'allocated' what we should bring. I always get to bring the crackers and bubbly.

It's really expensive to cater for Christmas dinner for a lot of people.

Agreed.

However, I'm aware that there are family members who need to travel substantial distances in, sometimes, poor conditions, and fork out for accommodation (depending).

I know people who host upwards of 70+ people at big set-piece dinners. They've tried sharing out the load and asking people to bring a dish but this often doesn't work because they're aren't enough hot plates or sufficient oven/fridge capacity. If the hosts try and organise this by stating up front what the available facilities are then this can cause further ructions, never mind if they ask for more vegetable dishes and fewer desserts.

Seasonal holidays and their associated events are expensive for most people and can often lead to ructions. Given what many people report about them and how distressed they can make some people, I'm not sure why they still happen in some families.

It's only 'charging' if she's going to make a profit. If it's going to cover costs I really don't see the problem.

So she's done it every year and nobody's offered any help? Financial or otherwise? Good in her for putting her foot down. Your dh really should have offered something without being pushed!!

I wouldn't dream of asking for money either when I am hosting, but that is because I don't have to host every year. If I am going elsewhere I offer to bring wine selection, dessert and/or starter, crackers, good chocolates for later, maybe organise a game for later etc. If they decline the offer I'll bring a couple of bottles of nice booze for the hosts depending on what they drink (bottle of whisky for my brother and a bottle of good gin for his wife). Will probably spend in region of £50-£60.

His mum asking for cash and him feeling pissed off over a measly £17 sounds like she is feeling taken for granted now her children are adults. Unless his dessert is more than picking something up worth a couple of quid it isn't really contributing/showing his appreciation is it?

Think of it as buying the Turkey ar a piece of meat rather than being charged for the meal itself

Depends.

If she’s insisting she’s the one to host, then it’s cheeky.

If everyone else insists she hosts/never offers to host, then it’s not.

It is her choice not to do it all from scratch, which is fair enoughbut she could have asked if people wanted to help cook on the day or contribute by making a dish.

And it depends how it’s said. If it’s “Everybody has to come to mine, but I’m doing everything it’ll have to be bought in, that’ll be £17 please’ very cheeky.

If it’s “Ah, ok, I see it’s down to me again, happy to do it but I’m working Xmas Eve, can anyone help cook? No, ok, I could order it from Markie's, how’s £17 a head sound?” that’s fine.

Is she maybe dropping a heavy hint she’s getting fed up doing it (maybe to herself as much as anyone)?

It's not something I'd do tbh. If you invite people over for a meal you can't charge them imo. We're hosting this year and it will be an expensive day for us but at the end of the day we invited people knowing we'd pay for everything.

I think it depends on the circumstances of the person asking, tbh. Growing up, my parents or my aunt and uncle used to pay for everyone, turn about. They could afford it. Then when we grew up they didn't want to do it any more, so my cousin and I started doing it together. But at this time we were in our early 20s, just graduated and neither or us could afford to make a Christmas dinner for 15 people. So we split the costs between us. It´s all very well saying that you don't invite if you can´t afford it, but what if there will be no dinner at all if you don't share the cost?

I am all for splitting the cost if that can be managed.

We usually pay circa £90 for a turkey here. Then smoked salmon, booze, puddings etc. That is usually 5 adults and a couple of DCs. So Christmas dinner is often a few hundred pounds. The other adults are my parents and ILs so we DON'T split that cost, we pay it because they are our parents and have certainly done enough for us over the years...but if the other adults were siblings etc then I certainly would probably prefer a contribution, either in providing food, or alternating hosting each year.

My DM's family are in Australia and i recall one year we were over there and were asked to pay $20 a head. My DM was horrified before that.... but on the day the Christmas feast was all scallops, lobster, prawns etc. It made sense. If families are getting together then it is sharing, not hosting if that makes sense.

It's unusual but not unreasonable. It had been on her mind so she decided to be straightforward about it. I hope your DP isn't put off going there because of it. £17 is a bargain.

It's only 4 people - like a normal Sunday meal. Cringemaking to charge for that - people could just bring a bottle.

If you invite people you bear the cost. If its just expected that mum will cook and host then why shouldnt you share the cost.

Erm.....no. Never heard of this.

Barbeito
£150 for lunch and you have to be apart from DH at Christmas! That's shocking and can't believe they expect you to do that. Surely you could just meet up for drinks after lunch or the next day.

No I wouldn't charge

But if his mum doesn't want to cook from scratch and you're going to your family's lunch anyway, why doesn't your partner host Christmas lunch at yours?

That could be a good compromise.

Barbeito why the actual fuck didn't your DH just say "No thanks, we can't afford it"?

@Barbeito You and your husband are spending Christmas Day separately because his parents want an expensive meal that you can't afford? Why not say that neither of you will be there and you'll both go to your mum's? I'd be embarrassed and realise I'd made a huge mistake if I was your MIL.

PIL made the executive decision that they want to have Christmas lunch at a fancy hotel. £150 a head just for lunch - no stay included! DH and I can't afford for both of us to go (can't afford for one of us to go, really). So he is going to have lunch with them while I go to my family

After Christmas where my in laws came round, brought nothing and it cost us £400 we said that the next year we'd go out for Christmas lunch to the pub. The cost of this for us was cheaper than us hosting. They were invited with the expectation they'd have to pay for their own pub lunch. Funnily enough, they declined based on cost. So it was totally fine for me to shoulder all the cost of hosting but perish the thought it might cost them something. If they were hard up, I'd understand but they are much better off than us just tight.

No! I wouldn't charge my guests for hosting dinner at my house. If I didn't want to cook, then I would go out and invite others to join me.