Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

[Staceyjas]

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks

OP - I would take this as a sign that he is a petty and cheap man and run for the hills.

I think it's strange OP that you're going to your parents and your boyfriend is going to his parents. Didn't he want to spend it with you until he hand to put his hand in his pocket? Very odd.

formerbabe, I have been in the situation. Hosting every year and when I’d finally had enough suggested going out but oh no that’s too expensive.

My friends all put in a tenner. I always host and always do all of the cooking because they're all crap in the kitchen (genuinely not sure they'd eat any vegetables if I didn't cook for them).
I earn less than half what most of them do, and if I had to foot the bill and the effort every year- well there would be no more Xmas dinner...

I think it's your choice to do Christmas dinner and invite your family so asking for a deposit seems ridiculous...saying that we go to my DPs each year and we take 2 puddings and some nibbles usually.

We haven't been asked to do that but i do appreciate how expensive it is to provide everything.

I don't understand why his mum has to ask them to pay. As adults they should know how much it costs to do a huge dinner and should be offering to help before there's a need to ask for a contribution.

When we spent Christmas with my cousin's family there was the very British squabble as I tried to give her money for our share of the food and she tried to protest that I was giving her too much.

We would all get together on Christmas Eve to prepare the veg together and all join in to cook and clear up afterwards. No one would have expected one person/couple to carry the cost or the work.

I'm just feeling a bit flabbergasted at the total costs here. But in fairness I guess I've never actually priced up for the full meal above obviously the turkey being 3x the price of a chicken dinner. When you tot up everything from scratch vs a lot of what I'd already have in stock from fortnightly shop it does mount up quickly though. Eye opening I suppose for me! So with all that in mind I don't think OP's partners mum is being unreasonable. Plus she probably has the fuck on of cooking, hosting, washing up afterwards. I assume OP's partner is of working age so can spring 17 quid to help out his mum.

My adult dc spend the majority of Christmas week with us. All 3 put about £50 into the shopping kitty. We take turns doing the cooking also.
Wouldn't charge per head per meal!!

Going against the general consensus, but I don't see the problem with his own mother asking for a contribution to what is usually an expensive meal to host.

Perhaps she feels happier asking for cash so she can control the standard of cooking. Other guests may bring food of disappointing quality or 'forget' to bring their element of the meal on the day which might ruin it (eg. no roast potatoes). Maybe she is now on a pension so struggles to afford what previously was taken for granted? Or she may be finding the whole rigmarole a lot more exhausting than in previous years due to her age?

I have the opposite issue. My parents are hosting between 13-18 people this year over 4 days and won't allow any of us to contribute despite both being in their late 70's and not wealthy. They feel it is 'rude' as they were the ones who invited, which is a very out-dated view IMO. I have FINALLY convinced Mum to let me provide the Christmas cake, mince pies, christmas puddings and ginger biscuits (will decorate these with the kids to occupy them one afternoon), and have spoken to others attending who will bring cheeses, booze etc. We are each doing at least one meal and a help yourself buffet style the rest of the time. That way Mum is only stuck in the kitchen doing the Christmas meal itself and my parents won't be left eating beans on toast until mid February.

I catered for 11 the other year, that included family staying with us, it cost around £450 in total but that included alcohol and other food etc. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking them to pay but it does get pricey!

I wouldn't but only have two extra (in laws) however I do think xmas dinner probably cost about £100. In laws usually bring a bottle of fizz and one or two bottles of wine. We provide everything else.

If I were hosting lots of people I would have to discuss the cost and how best to share it out.

When we cooked for DP's entire family (18 or 19 in total) at his SIL's house, we paid for all the food for the lunch itself, except for the turkey, which his SIL bought. As we were cooking, I wanted us to be in control of the ingredients. I'd have hated it if someone else had been tasked with the sprouts and turned up with a bag of frozen ones!

Some of the rest of the family turned up with snacky stuff, chocolates, crisps, olives etc and the other SIL brought a cake. DP's family don't really go in for cheese, so there wasn't any, much to my disappointment.

They had plenty of booze in, but most of the family will only have a glass or two of wine. No-one else brought any drink. DP and I took a bottle of Veuve Clicquot (one of the few Christmas traditions my family had), gin & tonic (because we love a G&T or two while we're cooking) and a bottle of red to have with the meal.

I didn't mind sharing the champagne but I was mildly pissed off when DP's brother and his partner got stuck in to the expensive and rather fine Crozes Hermitage I'd brought. DP and I only got one small glass each!

Barbeitto do his family know you are only not going because you can't afford to? If they don't know they may well take you not going as a snub. The richer bits of my extended family would be mortified if they thought they were pricing people out of family events and would just sub as appropriate.

To be fair though why would your DP have an issue with this? It's his mum not a fucking pub lunch. Is he going to pop round to peel the carrots and spuds beforehand or is that all on her too? If he genuinely can't afford the £17 he could ask his family to skip his present and he'll eat his dinner there instead. I'm assuming he's not 16 and broke?

Our family has 2 big meals, Xmas eve and Xmas night, top quality beef rib with undercut, free range ‘breed’ turkey (actually tasty) loads of good side dishes, big pudding, proper brandy sauce.

Only two homes / kitchens are big enough so although the same people host, we all muck in with sharing the cost. It isn’t the host families ‘charging’, it’s a family nicking in and paying for our dinner between us.

A big home made Xmas pud is expensive, even without the brandy. Good wine, good cheese, it really adds up.

There will be more and more families where chipping in is needed as food costs rise and income shrinks. We need to adapt.

And no way would I want to be dealing with everyone’s Tupperwares of red cabbage and bread sauce.

No charging, but we share the cost as in "I'll get this, I'll buy that" type of affair then cooked and eaten at mine, but then there are only 6 in total. I couldn't afford to cater and pay for a large party tbh, so I wouldn't offer to host in that case, rather than actually charging.

Christmas is expensive and hosting a meal can be very expensive. However there are certainly cheaper ways to do it, and I think people should be more willing to consider these and not get caught up in the ridiculous thing of having to pay almost £100 for the bird and loads and loads of expensive extras. Lots of people provide a fab meal and have a great time for little more than a standard roast. People should consider looking to save money - it won't make it less pleasant or special.

Those going should definitely offer to take stuff and appreciate the expense involved. Perhaps this host has found before that people don't bring enough and the bulk of cost falls on her. She could dealnwithbthis by being more explicit about what each person or family needs to bring and being clear about what she will provide. People do have to expect to contribute and that just an odd bottle of wine or packet of biscuits really isn't a decent contribution.

Charging a price per head strikes me as graceless and unnecessary, unless there has been a genuine conversation with everyone involved, where it has been decided it really is best for one person to do all the shopping and divide the cost - this would be fairly unusual, but people might decide to do that - fine is it is a group choice and not dictated from one person, because then it really becomes graceless hosting.

It all becomes more difficult when multiple families are involved and not everyone is involved in the discussions. And we all know familiarise can be odd and we hear countless examples on here of how people ask for all kinds of seemingly strange approaches and sometimes you just have to go along with it to keep the peace.

OP, I'd probably send a cheery text or email to MIL saying you're not quite sure you've understood rightly what is happening at Christmas. Could she send you a list of stuff she'd like like you to bring, and make sure she lists lots of things because you know it's an expensive time of year. See how that goes. And if she asks for a price per head, you could comment that you're worried about her doing all the shopping and work and would really like to help out more by bringing stuff etc. In the end though,mid she's adamant and wants to charge you'll have to either pay or not go. It really won't be worth falling out about.

I actually find it quite staggering that people (looking at you BIL's GF!) would happily go somewhere every year and not insist on putting their hand in their pockets!

We have people arrive Christmas Eve. Everyone is split staying between our house and PIL's. So there's drinks and supper Christmas Eve. Then breakfast Christmas morning - even bacon sarnies for 29 soon mounts up!

Then Christmas dinner is always turkey and another meat (beef this year), all the trimmings plus a nut roast for the couple of veggies (all the veggies that can be are done in oil so they are suitable) plus some extra veggie sides (brussels without bacon etc). Then trifles and Christmas pudding for dessert.

Then you add in booze, soft drinks, cheese and crackers for later. Then all the daft things like crackers etc. Boxing day is breakfast, leftovers lunch and drinks. It really mounts up, and you can't ask folks who fly in or have a 6 hour drive on Christmas eve to bring much with them.

Plus the one year we were in Australia they still held it in our house for the space so I don't really consider us hosts!!

Interesting how culturally we are happy to take contributions in kind but not in cash...

We take a couple bottles Champagne and buy and cook the meats to take to my parents

If it’s pre-done, won’t it taste a bit yuk? I’d not go, and have a nice freshly made dinner elsewhere.

I would hate the contributions in kind, waiting for, say, SIL to bring the potatoes for roasting and DB to bring stuffing. Frankly I would just rather just crack on with the preparation before everyone arrives.

Plus wouldn’t want (yet more) cheese boards, puddings, chocolates etc

Bah humbug

Pre done is not yuk!!!!!!!

I think the idea of house guests giving some cash or a supermarket gift card, as well as or instead of food contributions is a good one and often used. If you're a house guest eating multiple meals, some kind of monetary contribution really is a good idea and even if hosts say they don't want it, sending a supermarket gift card is still the polite thing to do.

This isn't the same as charging per head for a particular meal - makes it feel like a restaurant and a bit grabby rather than friendly hosting.

Some hosts however get sick and tired of yearly hosting and meagre contributions in the waybill food and drink and can't see a better way to avoid the expense and come up with this graceless solution. I can sort of see how it happens. It's up to the guests to be generous and not let this emerge or to suggest alternatives which lift the burden from the host if it's suggested, so it's no longer necessary,mor if the host insists, to just suck it up.