Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

[Staceyjas]

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks

I would never ask people to pay for Christmas dinner. Like many others, my family all contribute items to the meal - dessert, cheese, wine, chocolates, a starter, etc

I gave my sister a £100 M&S voucher when she did xmas a few years ago as my contribution (me and boyfriend stayed a few days). We won't host with a small flat so felt the right thing to do. Seems reasonable if one person always hosts everyone else

Personally I coulden't, if I could not afford to host, than I would not, it is very rude. If your dh wants to come to your parents than he can, he is not tied to his mum, especially when she is charging like that. It just puts a dampner on things and makes it that less special.

It is good if family bring a bit with them though, like one brings, cheese board, one brings a couple bottles or a a pack of beer, another brings dessert etc. I would not mind that one bit.

If he went round and they all had a take away would he feel "funny" about chipping in? Sounds like she is going the M&S preprepared route so very similar to ordering take-out and price sounds about right. Not seeing the issue here.

Actually not keen on guests bringing a bottle etc since none of us drink and any food they bring usually is either to their preference rather than anyone else or excess to add to the pile.

I think most people would offer to take something to contribute : my folks said they wanted to provide the turkey but it ended up easier for them to just give us cash. Don’t forget Christmas dinner is a lot more than just the meal. I expect there will be snacks and maybe Christmas tea too. I assume you take booze.

I think i don’t find your partner very attractive for wanting to come to your parents because his mum can’t cook that large a dinner and wants to have help. How many Christmas dinners has she cooked so far for him? Petty and selfish man. She is probably sick of having to deal with all that while he does fuck all and expects to be cooked a really nice meal for him. I will be upset with him over this and I will not bring that selfish a man to my parents either.

I wouldn't dream of asking for money. How could anyone invite people for dinner and then ask them to pay for it?

Nope never in a million years. Horrifically rude and the epitome of being a tight arse! If you can’t afford to host then don’t host. Asking people to bring a bottle (which people generally do anyway!) is fine. In my family people offer to bring a dish to share the load. I’d never charge them though!!

I think it's fine to all chip in - either bring something or contribute money. But it has to be agreed. So she could say "I can't afford it so I can't have it at mine unless we all chip in" rather than calling it charging. And you can't insist on having it at yours then charge. Maybe she doesn't want to host?

I buy the food for xmas dinner, dm buys wine and prosseco, mil makes a lovely Christmas cake and buys desert (she insists, I don't mind buying it) but even if they didn't contribute I certainly wouldn't dream of asking for any money!

AgentProvocateur
If you can’t afford it, don’t invite people. Or only cook what you can afford. I’d never charge anyone, far less family, for dinner.

I agree and think it's extremely tacky and cringe making to ask for money. The more acceptable alternative is to ask people to bring a dish and/or a bottle.

Do you and OH not have christmas lunch together?

We split it by people bringing things instead, but I don't see the issue, given how expensive Christmas meals can be. I used to give my mum and dad money for Christmas dinner and food costs when I lived a while away from them and so went to stay for a few days. I had more of it than them, so there was no reason they should pony up. Your DP is being silly at best.

4 adults & 1 toddler-so is that her husband, 2 adult kids & a GC?

Seems odd to me to charge such close family, but it's perhaps the expectation & no help that she's pissed off with?

My husband is an only child, just his parents at theirs.

When we visited with 2 kids, so 4 of us "descending" on 2 of them, seemed odd not to provide cake/pudding/drink.

Something-especially as we would be consumig more of it than them!

I always host due to my brother and Mum living in small flats and my kids partners come to us..it has never occurred to me to charge anyone and there are 11 of us! Db and Mum come on the coach as they live in London and don't have cars so can't carry a load of stuff, but usually pop to the shops when they arrive and contribute wine./beer which is fine.
We aren't well off either but really it's just an extra big roast and nice cheeses, crackers and stollen type stuff here... Aldi is my friend.

I do get a big enough turkey and pork joint that we can all pick bit with cheeses and pickles later and it's fine. It's one big family meal a year and I would never charge. If I really couldn't meet the cost I'd stop hosting!

I don't like the idea of the host charging people, and like others I would simply expect guests to bring a bottle, or perhaps some cheese or something for pudding.

However, I actually think that there is something pretty awful about him deciding to go to your parents house instead. If I was in your parents shoes, I wouldn't like to think that someone was coming to my house, not for my company, but just because I was providing a free meal.

I think it possibly depends on how you phrase it.
"If you come for dinner it'll be £15 each ta", is different from, " We'd love you to come, but as you know money is tight and it's easier for me to do all of the shopping, so would you mind contributing £15 each please"
Or similar.
I really couldn't afford to pay, but I'm a good cook and enjoy it, I'd serve a lovely meal, but really would need something towards it.

If hosting for close family and friends then very mean to charge unless completely destitute.

If hosting for 29 as per above then fair enough!

Is it really that expensive to host Christmas dinner? I'm vegan, so perhaps my perspective is skewed.

I cook dinner at my parents, and I take some of the food down, with the remaining stuff being bought by the others attending, ie we are all chipping in.

Yes its not charging its sharing the cost which can be expensive.

Whenever we have DH family round for Christmas we shared, we did main, SIL did starters and dessert and FIL did dessert

Whenever we went to my grandparents my mum and uncle shared the cost between them they were just on a state pension

A turkey can be really expensive!

I think your boyfriend sounds tight. Why doesn't he give her the money a couple of weeks in advance so that it doesn't feel to him that he's handing over cash in exchange for a meal? Or - hold onto your hat here - he could host himself and fund it all, given he thinks contributions are wrong?

It depends how you're doing it hibbledibble.

If you have a larger than usual chicken, normal-ish roast dinner with a few more sides, a pudding and a couple of bottles of wine then not really. Notwithstanding that some people have such tight budgets that this would still be a lot. If you're getting a posh goose or turkey, smoked salmon, naice cheeses and quite a lot more booze then yes. Both of these are within the range of normal. And a typically sized family Christmas dinner can be anywhere from maybe 5 or 6 to 20. Again neither of these would be unusual.

And if as suggested they're going the M and S preprepared route, not only is that expensive but it would also seem particularly daft to split the order. One person gets the starters, pays for them and has them delivered then brings them, one person gets the meat, one the sides etc. Just get it all in one order then split!

I would never dream of inviting people and then asking them for a cash contribution, as PPs have said, if they offered I will gladly accept, dessert or cheese board, nibbles and wine.

Although SIL will tell people what to bring including the turkey, she generally provides bread sauce and some nibbles.

To be fair only 4 out of the 7 drink alcohol, so booze wasn't extortionate, plus some bottles we already had in. Our local butchers does a decent turkey crown for £21. Decorations I get from Amazon, stocked up on 2 tubs for £7 of chocs from Tesco. Cheeses was a mixed board from M&S plus £3 cracker box, I make my own trifle. This year we've an allotment so brussels, onions aren't an issue. Pigs in blankets I got 2 for 1 last year. I shop around in the run up for the deals. If I'd bought it all Christmas eve it'd have been nearer £150 to be honest.