are older women invisible?

[ambereeree]

I read this a lot on mn and wondered if you think it's true and what age does it happen?

I think older women are pretty much invisible to everybody. I am but put it down to lack of confidence and self esteem but my mother and sisters both have masses of self confidence and they say the same thing about invisibility. We're in our 50s, 60s, and 80s.

I’m not sure. I’m late 30s but IME I feel more visible as I get older rather than less, but I wonder how much of that comes with confidence?

I think that what tends to attract people is an overall aura of health and vitality. This is much easier to have when young, which is why most young people can be very visible.
If you manage to retain the same into your later years though, you will still get noticed. Well said. Moaning is easier than working on this though. :-p

39 here. Took up martial arts and focused on getting strong and confident. I wear the clothes I've always wanted to wear and feel confident with people in a way I never did before.
I'm certainly not invisible! I feel more engaged and visible than ever actually. And in terms of being fanciable (not that it should be the be all of course) my DH can't keep his hands off and I get looks from other guys. Not young guys wolf whistling no, but they are ignorant bone heads anyway. But certainly guys my own age.
I'm not competing with young women. Of course they have their own fresh youthful beuaty. But confidence, knowing what you want etc can be sexy.

As someone who always had a reasonable amount of attention from men, I notice recently that it’s tailed off. (Early 40s) I say that as a fact, not whether it’s a good or bad thing. I’m not sure I really care because the one thing I have found since hitting my 40s is that I genuinely don’t care what people think of me. The confidence I have found in my 40s and the lack of caring what others think of me has been positively liberating. If I ever stop to think about it, which is rare, i think that ultimately, many of these young women would like to meet something, fall in love, have a nice home, children etc. All of which I have and I wouldn’t change my life now to be 26 year old me for anything.
But no, I don’t feel invisible.

I have made something of a choice at work to become less visible. I changed job from a leadership one back to a part time non-management one because at 52 I was exhausted and sick of being too tired to enjoy life out of work. I lost relevance to a degree through that but I still feel respected and listened to at work. I’m a similar age to the last two (female) head teachers at my schools who are certainly not invisible. So maybe it’s choice to a point.

In a car showroom I wouldn’t allow anyone to ignore me - I would stride up and ask for someone’s time.

But I do get the thing where some younger people expect you to defer to them getting out of lifts etc. They don’t seem to see you. I need to look more carefully and see if that happens to older men too.

I enjoy not being letched over (it didn’t happen that much but there were times when I was made to feel uncomfortable and sexually viewed if that makes sense). I don’t miss that but I do miss my sex drive which is fading a bit with the menopause so it feels diluted. And I am a bit less socially confident but I don’t know if that is age or linked to meno again .

For those commenting in their 30's, of course you're not invisible.

Late 30's can be when most Women are most attractive.

Wait 10-15 years.

I think it's to do with confidence. If your confidence was based on your attractiveness to men, it might well fade as you get older, resulting in feeling invisible. If your confidence was always based on other things (intelligence, competence, getting on well with others etc), maybe that persists more.

I'm quite senior at work and I think I am now struggling to climb higher. Speaking to other colleagues around the same age I would say its a concern among women.

I've heard guys in their forties say in my company that they're attracted to women who carry themselves, rather than just looks per se.
I would understand that to mean allure, a certain twinkly eyed sparkle (which I LOVE in men ...) an engaging personality etc.

I was encouraged to hear that... coz that's me in spades. I don't have looks or figure to fall back on which has really saddened meuntil pretty recently.

Dependso n the context., Many of us aer at the peak of our power, earnings and career in mid 50s (my age) so all eyes are on us. I chaired an event last week - probably no one was more visible than I was at that.

If you mean men or women wanting to get us into bed depends on the person but most men and women are less sexually attractive as they get older. A new client did ask me for "a bonk" (his words not mine) at the end of a meeting when I was over 50 but it's certainly rarer these days, thankfully.

DanglyEeerieOrnaments Thank you. I'm not giving up without a fight

So sad that women in their 30s and 40s think they're no longer of any worth or can no longer be seen as attractive.

Young women in their 20s may have the shiny gleam of youth. But the older woman has a hell of a lot to offer. Just learn to wear it well.

I'm 42, wouldn't ever kid myself that I look nearly as good as I did say 20 yrs ago.

I don't think I get dissimilar amounts of attention to the 'old days', only now it's from men who are a similar age to me or older.

It'd obviously be absurd for me to expect fit 20 year olds to be interested.

Nope, 56 and totally not invisible at all.

OP - could the ceiling you're hitting at work be more about just plain sexism? I.e. that it's just that it takes this long to get that senior, and if you'd somehow magically got to the same level at age 29 you'd still be invisible when it came to promotion time because of lack of penis?

I’m loving this thread and interesting comments.

Sometimes I’m beige and invisible, and sometimes not!

Not far off my pension but in my head I am still just about 35.....

Getting loads of attention when I hit town in my fitness gear after a yoga class.....which I find astonishing.

Also on holiday (Turkey) little groups of young women stop and look me up and down....for my fashion style I assume! (I was puzzled till it was pointed out that most Turkish ladies of an age aren’t generally seen about in bright beach dresses, sunhats and the like). The locals seem entranced with my Matalan styling.

Invisible when I am waiting first to be served at a bar, but some men sidle up and expect to be served before me - had to get good at raising to my full height, squaring off my shoulders and projecting my chest assertively just to get served in the correct order.

And this week, after getting some new M&S technical sports/fitness leggings.....well! I really don’t know why I am getting this much attention - it’s really quietly amusing!

I'm 54 and most definitely not invisible. I was promoted a few months ago and am treated with respect at work because I'm bloody good at what I do.

I don't tolerate being ignored, I'm good at standing up for myself and I've got better at it as I get older.

As for what random men think about me, I don't know and I don't care. I don't base my worth on how attractive I am to men. Though my DH of nearly 30 years still thinks I'm gorgeous.

I felt very invisible for a few years in my early 50's but I've found a new confidence now. Had a total makeover....clothes, grown my hair long, less makeup, bright lipstick, lost some weight.....and found a new me. Yes, my working life has gone and I'm aware I'm past my sell by date there but I'm embracing freedom to pursue hobbies and interests. Another thing I've done is started to wear colour, I 90% wore black for years.
I like the new me, she's more confident, cares less, has time to give to people, takes a chance, has less expectations, more thoughtful with my words.
There's a saying, if you're happy you're sexy. It's a frame of mind.
It's true, I've had quite a few admirers lately, completely out of the blue. And some kind compliments. I was sat in a restaurant last week, alone, having lunch (such a treat and part of brave new me) and a man came over to my table and said he just wanted to say that I was beautiful, that my face was very beautiful. That was all. How lovely is that.
Obviously, my face is the same but my attitude and confidence isn't.
Find the new you, we all change with age so sit back and think about what you want.

The men at my last job would absolutely gush over the younger women. They even had a ranking system for who was sexiest. The older women didn't get a look in, and weren't always taken as seriously in certain roles, simply because the men had no interest in talking to someone who wasn't young, fit, and beautiful. And the unnattractive ones of us, whilst still young, also didn't really get spoken to about work etc. When one of us got promoted it was a bit better. But it was still very much a young attractive women=more worth talking to. There were some decent older men there who weren't as bad as the other men, and handily they were also the bosses so at least that cliche wasn't there.

The older women didn't get a look in, and weren't always taken as seriously in certain roles, simply because the men had no interest in talking to someone who wasn't young, fit, and beautiful.

🙄

I guess these men were a bit thick. We are just mammals in the end, with some of us behaving more like animals than others.

I am 49 and wonder about the invisibility thing sometimes, though I have so much on my plate - recently divorced, 3 dc, tiring job, worried about money, that I just think fuck it I couldn’t really care.

And having that attitude kind of helps I think - though I did wonder why this woman on the tube - there being space around and my having got on first, practically stood on top of me. In the end I moved but I should have said something . Like WTF are you standing a mm away when there is space.

Other things I hate, but I don’t know if they are age related, are being called dear and being what feels like patronised. New person at work, about 14 years younger at me, just sounds really patronising when she talks to me. Will have to see if she talks to other people like that, and if not will have to get much more straight faced with her.

Lots of people are kind I think, and not superficial. Equally there are a lot of thick idiots around.

I’m 36, and I feel like I’m at age where I can turn invisibility on or off, depending on what I wear.

the most extreme example is with a particular heavy duty winter coat I own. it’s a muddy grey colour, thick as a blanket and it takes away all my shape. When I wear it sans makeup and with nondescript shoes I become invisible.

Not just invisible to men’s attraction, but literally invisible. People start bumping into me and don’t see me waiting in a queue etc. It’s quite remarkable.

@wondering1101 i bet that nobody is patronising to older men. Its really bloody annoying.

ambereeree it’s a very small work place with only one older man and a couple of younger ones - otherwise all women. Will have to see how she talks to the older man .

It is annoying though - does the younger person think I have lost my mind?

In any case, while a lot / practically all of the younger people I work with are very nice, I can’t really relate to their concerns, and I am more at ease with people who have been through / are going through similar to me. I suppose that then works both ways.

Still no need to be patronising however!

I was invisible to men in my mid 30s to 40 as I was fat & unwell looking. My hair was falling out too.

Now I'm 42 & well again, my hair is back to normal although still quite fine & blonder, I'm a lot slimmer so can wear fashionable clothes & men are asking me out.

It's actually quite depressing to realise how shallow some men can be but then I do look at men with an attractive appearance so maybe I'm shallow too... hmmm