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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect young teenagers to have a key to their own house?

103 replies

sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 11:01

I really don't get this. My partner has two teenage (13 and 14) daughters. We have them a lot they are great kids although I really do think they are intimidated by their mum who goes off on one frequently for no reason (IMO) - their mum doesn't trust them to have their own house key and insists on them either going to friends or on many occasions - hanging around in the car with their dad until she is back from work or wherever and she is back to let them in. It was understandable when they were younger but now it is winter again - traffic is sometimes bad, she gets stuck or delayed and DH and the poor kids often spend hours just hanging around waiting - it seems ridiculous to me. We live nearly an hour away so if they are between sports activities they are not even allowed to go home and he has to take them to the local sports centre to shower etc. They all get really fed up. One day recently the after school arrangement fell through and DSS had to sit in a café until DH could get away from work. DH has tried talking reasonably - she just doesn't want them to have access to the house, particularly when it is his time with them. For background she has never had an issue with him dropping the kids off. My own children had keys from the age of secondary school. She is very controlling I think or is it just me... AIBU???

OP posts:

blueskiesandforests · 23/11/2018 14:12

How does the sports centre showering situation occur?

Your ex drives the kids from your house to say football/ hockey/ other muddy outdoor spoets match or training near their mum's. There are no showers at the location so they drive to an entirely unconnected sports centre and go in just to shower?

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 23/11/2018 14:14

My teenagers didn’t/do t have keys either, for the same reason as PP, too many lost keys in the past. We do have a key safe though, so the kids (or any of us) can get in if we haven’t got a key with us. Very useful.

howabout · 23/11/2018 14:17

I get the difficulty, but in the ex's shoes it wouldn't really feel that their Dad was in charge if they were popping in to have a shower etc. It would be intrusive and I would think she ought to be able to suit herself when it is his contact time. I wouldn't want my ex outside in his car overseeing my life when he is supposed to be spending time with his DDs while I mind my own business.

Again how would you feel if your step DDs were turning up willy nilly during non-contact days and their Mum was sitting outside drumming on the dashboard?

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 23/11/2018 14:24

They really cant be popping in and out with your partner sitting outside when they're supposed to be with him. Thats just not on really.

Titsywoo · 23/11/2018 14:33

My two got keys when they started secondary at 11. They were both more than capable at that point of walking home, letting themselves in, not making too much mess (and if they do they are told to clear it up when I get home), not answering the front door and not losing their keys. One of them has special needs and still manages all this. If they keep losing keys then get a key safe!

cookingteaforsix · 23/11/2018 14:34

None of our 4 teenagers has a key, even the adult children.

We have a lock up key pad with a spare key in the porch.

It's just how we do things. That way, each of the four children can get in, cat feeder can get in, house sitters and elderly parents can get in.

In an emergency I can text the code to whoever needs access.

No worrying about 8 extra sets of keys.

It's a system that works in our house.

Titsywoo · 23/11/2018 14:35

It's sad for the kids isn't it though in this situation? I know the Dad should have them on his weekends but kids sometimes just want to be in their house or to be able to pick up their stuff etc. Now they are teens maybe things will have to change a bit?

Cherries101 · 23/11/2018 14:38

I think there’s more to this story that perhaps your DP isn’t sharing. Agree with others that this sounds like a ‘keep ex out’ rather than anything to do with the kids. He might have been abusive.

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 23/11/2018 14:41

I really wouldnt want my ex regularly popping by and parking outside on his days with the children.

Original poster

sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 15:00

no it is when they are on "his" time - they are not allowed in the house under any circumstances - or allowed to come home from school unless she is there - maybe some of you think this is entirely reasonable - I personally don't - it is their house too they are not guests or little children which need supervision! But I guess you always get the other perspective on this forum. I just think it is a rubbish way to behave to your own children - cant imagine sitting in the house with my feet up knowing my children are lugging all their stuff into a public shower round the corner just to make a point - seems madness to me

OP posts:

Original poster

sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 15:03

no abuse at all - amazed at how forgiving women are of other women - he is an ex therefore it must be his fault - there are very abusive women out there. Never even seen him raise his voice - think if anything the abuse (emotional) was the other way around - which is now being inflicted on the kids in a different way

OP posts:

howabout · 23/11/2018 15:15

If they are old enough to have keys in his estimation then surely they are old enough to get to and from sport. Perhaps their Dad needs to provide a taxi fund rather than turning up in person only to spend the time ferrying them around and waiting about.

I think the position will only get worse unless this is addressed with DDs.

TeeBee · 23/11/2018 15:15

Mine had keys end of primary. They both lost them and I hate to think that my keys are in places where I can't control who can gain access to my house when I'm here alone with the kids. So we have a key safe, then they can access the house when they need to. However, my eldest had an unapproved teenage party when I was away working and lied about it, so now he has had his access to the keys revoked and I've changed the number to the key safe.
Sensible precautions to keep everyone safe IMO.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 23/11/2018 15:28

OP She won't let them shower at home even when she is in after sport activities?

That's mental!

OutPinked · 23/11/2018 15:34

I had my key revoked when I started bunking off school and going back to the house with my best friend. I only got a key when I started walking home from school alone at 12/13 anyway so didn’t have it very long. I had to wait on the doorstep after school for my mum to get home (she’s always been a primary school TA so it was an hour or so wait, yes even in the cold...) It was my own fault completely, I would often end up walking around the local Morrisons to pass time and keep warm.

Some teenagers can’t be trusted with one but I agree they should have one unless they prove they’re not trustworthy.

Innocentconglomeration · 23/11/2018 15:35

My teens had keys from high school but my ex would let himself in and poke around. It caused me immense stress because I wanted the kids to have keys but didn't want him in my house.

greenlynx · 23/11/2018 15:59

She doesn’t want them to go into the house when it’s Dad’s time so to make it simpler she never gives them keys. If she will give them keys for going in after school it would be too complicated to remove these keys every time when it’s Ex’s weekend.
I would expect a teenage of this age who is able to go to friend’s house by himself to have keys but this situation is not about keys as such.
The idea to leave keys with trusted neighbour in case Mum’s late or children are earlier on school days is a good one. So maybe talk to her about this?
We don’t know how she spends her child free weekends. She might have a very good reason for not wanting children and ex to appear unexpectedly.

CSIblonde · 23/11/2018 16:04

Are they mature enough, is she worried they'd lose them, let dodgy friends in etc? Neighbours daughter has had a key since 14.Shes always at mine as she's left her keys, phone & purse elsewhere,despite repeated personal safety advice re emergency £, keys & phone. (Local common is notoriously unsafe & teens here seem to gravitate there 24/7).

Janedoughnut · 23/11/2018 16:39

Can I ask who moved away. I might be wrong but I'm wondering if their dad did and previous to that he would take them to his house between activities for a shower.
And because of that she won't allow them into her house.

CandyCreeper · 23/11/2018 16:43

we use to have this growing up, use to sit in the garden for hours waiting for our mum to come home. it was horrible.

smallchanceofrain · 23/11/2018 16:53

I feel sorry for those poor girls OP. It does sound like there are possibly some control issues with their mother - unless she genuinely believes that they are not to be trusted. Sadly for them any issues she has with your DH are being played out in how she treats them. I agree with PP who said that they need help to come up with a strategy for managing the situation.

That said, my 13 year old won't be allowed a key unless it can be surgically implanted in him. He loses everything. Since September he has lost his phone, PE kit, pencil cases x 3, school bag, school shoes and the school trousers he was wearing when he left the house. Don't get me started on the amount of bus fare he's lost.

Our solution has been to have a key safe. He still manages to lose that key but at least it's somewhere on our property when he loses it.

WhiteCat1704 · 23/11/2018 16:57

Well to be fair it sounds like she doesn't want your OH in her house not her kids..I also think if it's his contact time than fair enough..maybe they could go to activities closer to yours?

KellyW88 · 23/11/2018 17:57

I never had a key but then again I was raised by my grandparents and they would always be home in time for us to return from school, in emergency they’d leave a key with a trusted neighbour (next door), maybe suggest to your partner that he could suggest this to their Mum? If nobody has already that is! If she still refuses then I would say she’s being controlling possibly - I’d also advise that you tread lightly (as awful as it is when you’re speaking sense) don’t want her kicking off at you or their Dad and straining things any further x

timelord92 · 23/11/2018 20:05

So this is happening when it is your husbands contact time op? What are the actual contact arrangements? I don’t understand why your husband is driving down for an hour just to drop his kids off after a sports activity. Surely there is a better way around this situation.

If the ex doesn’t want your husband dropping in on what she sees as his contact time then the other alternatives would be to see the children on days where they haven’t got activities on and dropping them off at a reasonable hour or the children doing activities closer to your home and drop them off afterwards.

There’s no way I’d be hanging round in the shadows waiting for someone to come in. I bet the ex wouldn’t like it if it was the other way around.

Also, what’s going to happen when the kids are old enough to go ‘you know what mum, I can’t be arsed going to dads tonight I want to stay at home and have a chill?’ Is she going to force them to go.

Original poster

sunintheeast · 24/11/2018 10:31

thanks for all the replies - helpful in terms of perspective taking - the not wanting ex around I get, the having to manage his own time with girls I get but the lack of flexibility and my way or the highway is very frustrating and all symptomatic of larger control freakery (kids aren't allowed to bring their phones to ours for example god knows why - my 14 year old ds would be calling Social services if I did that !) negotiating changes to weekends very rare takes about 6 months of diplomacy. Looking at the posts though this is pretty run of the mill. I just wish separated parents would all try and put the kids firmly first - we are going to bring up a generation of anxious young people otherwise

OP posts:

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