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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect young teenagers to have a key to their own house?

103 replies

sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 11:01

I really don't get this. My partner has two teenage (13 and 14) daughters. We have them a lot they are great kids although I really do think they are intimidated by their mum who goes off on one frequently for no reason (IMO) - their mum doesn't trust them to have their own house key and insists on them either going to friends or on many occasions - hanging around in the car with their dad until she is back from work or wherever and she is back to let them in. It was understandable when they were younger but now it is winter again - traffic is sometimes bad, she gets stuck or delayed and DH and the poor kids often spend hours just hanging around waiting - it seems ridiculous to me. We live nearly an hour away so if they are between sports activities they are not even allowed to go home and he has to take them to the local sports centre to shower etc. They all get really fed up. One day recently the after school arrangement fell through and DSS had to sit in a café until DH could get away from work. DH has tried talking reasonably - she just doesn't want them to have access to the house, particularly when it is his time with them. For background she has never had an issue with him dropping the kids off. My own children had keys from the age of secondary school. She is very controlling I think or is it just me... AIBU???

OP posts:
BumDisease · 23/11/2018 11:04

I first had a key when I was about 9 or 10

MardyArabella · 23/11/2018 11:05

Yanbu

I work with care leavers, many of whom were not trust to have a key whilst in foster care. It’s bizarre that people will not allow a 16 year old to have a key to what is their home. Causes no end of bother when they get to 18 have to leave and have no experience of using a house key before.

notacooldad · 23/11/2018 11:08

She us being unfair.
My kids had keys once they started high school just in case they needed them. It was a rite of passage!

NonaGrey · 23/11/2018 11:09

It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t want the kids to have access (although she could have legitimate reasons for that) it sounds like she doesn’t want him to have access to her home when she’s not there.

Which isn’t unreasonable really.

BuffaloCauliflower · 23/11/2018 11:11

I had a key from 11. They should definitely have them at that age, this is not a sustainable set up.

Isitweekendyet · 23/11/2018 11:12

That's ridiculous.

Fourteen years old and doesn't have a key? What about when she gets to the top end of high school and wants to walk home and be out and about with her friends?!

What do they do at weekends?

SummerGems · 23/11/2018 11:15

Have they perhaps had keys before and lost them? My ds lost his keys twice when he first had them, once involved me then having to change the locks as I had no idea where they could have gone or who might have them.

If not there is no reason why they shouldn’t have a key to their own house. My ds is sixteen now and frequently leaves his keys at home meaning I’m having to let him in, but I’m here to do so. If I’m not going to be here for whatever reason then he needs reminding to take. His keys with him.

Winterbella · 23/11/2018 11:16

I can understand not wanting a couple of teenagers going into the house without any supervision, I don't trust my teenagers to not go in and raid the cupboards and eat all round them watch TV and make an absolute mess which I would then have to come in and clean before I could make any dinner.

In you case it does very much sound like she doesn't want her ex (I'm sure for a reason) to be potentially snooping round her home. Which is fair enough.

Tinklewinkle · 23/11/2018 11:18

I work with care leavers, many of whom were not trust to have a key whilst in foster care.

DH and I were foster carers up until a couple of years ago. We were absolutely not allowed to give our young people keys to our house. In fact we weren’t even allowed to leave them home alone for any longer than about 20 minutes - I actually had to get special written permission from the LA to leave my 17 year old young person home alone while I did the school run.

YANBU though

My kids don’t have their own door keys as they lose/forget them. We have a key safe on the wall outside so they always have access to the house - they don’t always remember to put the flipping keys back in it though 🤦‍♀️

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/11/2018 11:18

Tell the girls to ring social services and advise them that their mother is locking them out of their home in winter. She'll be quick enough to give them a key when SS tell her too

CondomsLubricantAndFlapjack · 23/11/2018 11:20

I would rather my DDs were safe inside, rather than roaming the streets for hours.

Sethis · 23/11/2018 11:20

We had keys from about Year 6 onwards.

If you can't trust your own kids with keys then something else has gone badly wrong already.

NonaGrey · 23/11/2018 11:22

Tell the girls to ring social services and advise them that their mother is locking them out of their home in winter. She'll be quick enough to give them a key when SS tell her too

Really encouraging conflict resolution skill in the child and good family relationships all round Not such.

It’s not the worst advice I’ve read on MN but it’s up there...

ourkidmolly · 23/11/2018 11:24

Utterly bizarre. It's their home.

Original poster
sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 11:26

regarding the comments about her ex snooping around - yes I would get that at the beginning but there have never been any issues he doesn't want to at all and she knows that - example - eldest DSS has a party that finishes at 5pm tomorrow - down the road from hers, DH is having to drive over to pick her up - bring her back to ours and take both girls back at normal drop off time (a 100 mile round trip) because she wont let her go back on her own - not all ex Hs are difficult - it shouldn't be the default assumption.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/11/2018 11:26

That's absolutely ridiculous and really odd. Surely the teens have kicked off about this? So if they're out and about with friends at the weekend, they can't get back into their own home unless she's there Confused? That's really quite mean to her dc.

Winterbella are you saying your teens would have to hang around until you get home lest they make a mess? How about setting some expectations and treating them like people approaching adulthood?

TulipsInbloom1 · 23/11/2018 11:26

I wouldnt even attempt to drop them there anymore. Bring them home to yours and insist mum collects.

ourkidmolly · 23/11/2018 11:27

@Winterbella
So do your teenage children not have anytime unsupervised in their own home. Of course I trust my children not to wreck the joint. Weird. My dd gets home and unstacks the dishwasher, gets a snack (I don't consider that raiding btw) and starts her homework aka goes on her phone.

Original poster
sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 11:31

TulipsInbloom1 - tried that - she refuses to (never once picked up in years) and the DSS get really upset - they do anything to avoid making her angry - I don't agree with giving in to her AT ALL but we try and minimise the rows for the sake of the kids. TBH I am fully expecting them to vote with their feet when they are older and come and live with us - which would be easier in terms of conflict resolution - mad thing is the blasted woman gives relationship advice - yet doesn't see what she is doing to the kids in terms of trust etc

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/11/2018 11:37

sun I know it's difficult because DH doesn't want to let his daughters down but the 100 mile round trip when she's just down the street from her own home is insane.

Maybe the girls need their dad to force the issue on their behalf by saying he won't do this. I wonder is some of this is about making life a bit difficult for him? It sounds like he's trying to keep the peace which is actually enabling this. I suspect if her dds had to ask a friends parent if they could stay longer because 'mum isn't home and doesn't let me have a key ' she might be embarrassed into changing.

Witchend · 23/11/2018 11:42

I have never had a key to my parents' house. I don't think dsis ever has, but dbr got one for a specific occasion and I don't think gave it back.

My dc have had one from approximately secondary age, but many of their friends don't. It's definitely not a all children do. It also depends on the child, dd2 was later than dd1 because she was almost always with dd1 at year 7 age, but also because she's more careless. She has the key to the door that we can replace the lock easily because it's ar more likely she will lose the key-and probably not tell us that she's done so either.

Orchiddingme · 23/11/2018 11:47

It sounds to me like she's enforcing boundaries around contact time- so when it's his contact time, they are never to enter the house (even if they are down the road and he has to drive 100 miles to look after them).

The effect is then that the girls aren't getting any time on their own or trusted to be home- my similarly aged children definitely have their own keys and are often on their own for up to a couple of hours at a time.

I guess this isn't going to change though, as she's very much all about the enforcing.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 23/11/2018 11:48

I gave my youngest ds one, he lost it. He's not having another one because I don't fancy having an open house with keys liberally distributed in town. He's 13.

happypoobum · 23/11/2018 11:49

To be honest, until you and DH let their mother be inconvenienced by her own potty rules, she has no reason to change them does she?

I know you are trying to stop things being hard for the girls, but you need a long term rather than short term approach.

What would happen if they got locked out when DH was on holiday for example?

I think DH should talk to them and explain what he is going to do, and then do it. Otherwise nothing will change Sad

MardyArabella · 23/11/2018 11:53

@tinklewinkle that’s bizarre because it’s literally the opposite in my LA. Foster carers are encouraged to but many refuse.

Of course you get some on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Like the woman who left the new 17 year old foster child at home for a week when she went on holiday without letting any professionals know...