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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect young teenagers to have a key to their own house?

103 replies

sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 11:01

I really don't get this. My partner has two teenage (13 and 14) daughters. We have them a lot they are great kids although I really do think they are intimidated by their mum who goes off on one frequently for no reason (IMO) - their mum doesn't trust them to have their own house key and insists on them either going to friends or on many occasions - hanging around in the car with their dad until she is back from work or wherever and she is back to let them in. It was understandable when they were younger but now it is winter again - traffic is sometimes bad, she gets stuck or delayed and DH and the poor kids often spend hours just hanging around waiting - it seems ridiculous to me. We live nearly an hour away so if they are between sports activities they are not even allowed to go home and he has to take them to the local sports centre to shower etc. They all get really fed up. One day recently the after school arrangement fell through and DSS had to sit in a café until DH could get away from work. DH has tried talking reasonably - she just doesn't want them to have access to the house, particularly when it is his time with them. For background she has never had an issue with him dropping the kids off. My own children had keys from the age of secondary school. She is very controlling I think or is it just me... AIBU???

OP posts:
nickEcave · 23/11/2018 11:54

Surely learning to be trusted with a key is a normal part of teenage development? My 11 year old has started secondary school this year and has a key as she gets home before me and DH. I wouldn't be very happy with her having responsibility for locking up the house in the morning but in a few years I will. Unless these girls have proved themselves to be particularly irresponsible I think its awful that their mum won't let them have a key.

blueskiesandforests · 23/11/2018 11:54

Winterbella you seriously dont trust your own teenagers to be in their own home unsupervised because they might eat something Shock ? Unless there is a back story of relevant special needs or behavioural problems that is not remotely normal! At what point will your teens be trusted in a home alone? When its their own home?

spellinghell · 23/11/2018 11:57

She's taking the pee OP!

Poor girls....

KittensAndCake · 23/11/2018 12:05

I don't trust my teenagers to not go in and raid the cupboards and eat all round them watch TV and make an absolute mess

This is a really strange attitude. At what point will you trust them? 20? 30? Never? It's their home fgs 🙄

ShalomJackie · 23/11/2018 12:12

Why is DH indulging her? What would sge do if he didn't drop everything to collect kids? She would have to make ither arrangements of give them a key.

If he wants to collect fair enough but insist she collects from yours. Time for him to put his foot down!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 23/11/2018 12:15

not all ex Hs are difficult - it shouldn't be the default assumption

Agreed. But you have no idea what may or may not have happened before you came on the scene. Whilst my children have keys, I am distinctly uneasy if I am not able to be home when my ex is picking up or dropping off and I don't want him in my home. Not really something I can demand my children, police however.

Whatever her reasons, it's her time, her rules.

Original poster
sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 12:16

happypoobum CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

you are both absolutely right - we do absolutely enable her and need to stand up to her more (he does it loads with regards to other unreasonable behaviour) but its really hard to see the DSS get so distressed - I would want him to have a stand off but he doesn't want to - the only things we ever row about is his refusing to stand his ground with her - last winter he drove in really dangerous snowy conditions to pick kids up - I was so cross - she is one of those people who cant do the "no" word and as a consequence everyone has to just fall in line. Ultimately I guess it is not my battle - I can just rant on MN and to friends - good job the kids are so nice and don't seem to take after her !!!! I think a lot of people enable ex partners behaviour out of guilt , need for a quiet life etc.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 23/11/2018 12:17

Mine have had a key since starting secondary at age 11.

howabout · 23/11/2018 12:22

Do the girls have keys to their Dad's house? Would you be happy with their Mum letting herself into your home? If he wants to use his ex - W's home to facilitate his activities with his DDs during his contact time then I think he should negotiate directly with her rather than backhandedly expecting access via his daughters.

The daughters having keys is a red herring.

Rachelover40 · 23/11/2018 12:23

My view is they should have a key to their own house. If they went out somewhere and came home, mum and dad out, they have to hang about until parents arrive home. I remember my mum wouldn't trust me with a key but, if you haven't got address on the key fob, if it was lost, so what? I let mine have a key quite early and there were no problems.

JustDanceAddict · 23/11/2018 12:23

If you can’t trust your teens to come in after school, get a snack and watch some tv prior to homework then there is def an issue! I get home about 15 mins later than my DCs and if I was even later it would still be ok. This has been the status quo for well over two years - since they were 12 & 14.

AsleepAllDay · 23/11/2018 12:25

Of course! It's a comfort thing too - you want to put your things down, get changed, have something to eat... hanging around in cafes and the cold sounds awful

howabout · 23/11/2018 12:29

Is their DM difficult about them arriving home on time? Since she is often late and rushing from work, why doesn't their DF just plan to drop them off later?

Miscible · 23/11/2018 12:32

Is it worth reopening the issue of the children's main residence? I guess world war 3 would break out, but at this age the children's wishes will count for a lot. At the very least, if the courts hear about the mother's attitude on this issue she may be forced to change it.

Jaxhog · 23/11/2018 12:33

There are 2 issues here.

  1. the kids having house keys. On the fence here, as there may be background safeguarding issues. Couldn't she leave a key with a responsible neighbour?
  2. your DH having to mind the kids when their mum isn't there. It seems very unreasonable that he has to hang around for her to turn up to let them in. Surely a drop off time can be agreed in advance?
Tinty · 23/11/2018 12:35

It sounds to me like she's enforcing boundaries around contact time- so when it's his contact time, they are never to enter the house (even if they are down the road and he has to drive 100 miles to look after them).

^ ^

This

Is he dropping them off early from whatever activity and wanting to get away because he has a long drive home? Or is she actually often late? If she is often late before they leave the activity they could text her and if she is running late, go and have a cake with their Ddad before they go home.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 23/11/2018 12:35

I agree. My 17 year old DSS doesn’t have a key to his main home and he works as a waiter so often late shift.

Mixedbags · 23/11/2018 12:40

I hear you. I have 2 teenagers and they have ‘lost’ 5 keys between them! I’m not paying for any more and the local
Burglar may have a great time if they find any of them! Just a thought!

Missingstreetlife · 23/11/2018 12:41

Has she not got spare key with neighbour or friend? They could let kids in, but not dad.
Understand if she doesn't want him in but they are old enough actually if he respects that

BiddyPop · 23/11/2018 12:43

DD had a key from age 10 here, and was walking home from school at age 11 (10 minutes, no roads to cross and we worked up to this over a period of time).

If DPs XDP doesn't want to trust her DCs, or indeed your DP, with a key, is there a trusted neighbor that can have a key, at least for emergencies?

She may be worried that if DC have a key, your DP may be in and out of the house and she may not want that. But if your DP could reassure her that he doesn't want to go in the house (and try to make a point of physically not going in - just going to the door to collect the DCs), but that as the DCs are getting older and more independent, and in case of emergencies, that they really ought to have some sort of access to a key.

Original poster
sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 12:47

I think it is along the lines of making life difficult for him - get that - not earth shattering news there for anyone - issue is the kids are the ones sitting in cars waiting (she is frequently late not always her own fault I know but it is miserable for the kids they get fed up) plus all their school friends are there and they want to do stuff at the weekend which means running them to and fro sometimes (we have them nearly every weekend and activities often clash) The issue is about being able to come back to your own home. They don't need a key here - we have a safe as mine lost so many keys - but I would have never considered not letting them have one - in my experience - the more controlling you are with your kids the more they rebel later in one way or another - or just don't develop the kind of independence skills they need for later life and neither of those is s agood thing

OP posts:
Purplejay · 23/11/2018 12:48

My 12 yo does not yet have a key. Since starting secondary he has ‘lost’3 hoodies, his wallet, his coat, his mobile and a school bag full of books. All but one hoodie have been found, someone handing it to to lost property/school or whatever. He has been very lucky. There is no way I am giving him a key! If it were in his wallet or bag anyone finding it would have his name and address. I put them in there in case they get lost!

We will reassess as he goes into year 8. Hopefully by then he will be better. That is when I hoped I would be able to give him a key. I am separated and my H currently has access to my house as he has my son after school. However I din’t Want this to continue long term.

I don’t blame their mum for not wanting her ex to have access to her home. I wonder if she thinks that if the girls have a key he won’t see them as much. Also was it her ex who moved away? She may be thinking any inconvenience to him is his own fault! I am not saying that is right but if she feels ‘wronged’ may be understandable. How long have they been separated?

blueskiesandforests · 23/11/2018 12:48

Can all these parents of key losing teens not install key safes anywhere out of sight or leave a key with a trusted helpful neighbor?

All my kids have had a key since they were 6 - not expected to need it at 6 but just in case of an unforeseen circumstance as they travel to and from school by bus. If something had happened to me driving home from the supermarket or work - whether just a car brakedown or freak traffic, or an accident I'd rather they could let themselves in and phone me, DH, or if we didnt answer trusted family friends and FIL on speeddail from the landline than sit on the doorstep! They're clipped into the school bags and none have lost them (teen, pre teen and junior school age now).

Teen and pre teens let themselves in more often than not now.

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 23/11/2018 12:48

Am I misreading or are people not noticing?

They want a key do the dad can go in with the kids between activities so when dad should have them. Too right she wont want him in her house or him dropping the kids in when its his time to have them!!

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 23/11/2018 12:50

I expect theres a v differ6wnt story from her perspective. Does he often not want to take responsibility when its his turn or just drop them back between activities or not have them when they have a party near mums home?