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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect young teenagers to have a key to their own house?

103 replies

sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 11:01

I really don't get this. My partner has two teenage (13 and 14) daughters. We have them a lot they are great kids although I really do think they are intimidated by their mum who goes off on one frequently for no reason (IMO) - their mum doesn't trust them to have their own house key and insists on them either going to friends or on many occasions - hanging around in the car with their dad until she is back from work or wherever and she is back to let them in. It was understandable when they were younger but now it is winter again - traffic is sometimes bad, she gets stuck or delayed and DH and the poor kids often spend hours just hanging around waiting - it seems ridiculous to me. We live nearly an hour away so if they are between sports activities they are not even allowed to go home and he has to take them to the local sports centre to shower etc. They all get really fed up. One day recently the after school arrangement fell through and DSS had to sit in a café until DH could get away from work. DH has tried talking reasonably - she just doesn't want them to have access to the house, particularly when it is his time with them. For background she has never had an issue with him dropping the kids off. My own children had keys from the age of secondary school. She is very controlling I think or is it just me... AIBU???

OP posts:
Akire · 23/11/2018 12:51

14y old is plenty old enough to have a key and get herself home from activities just down the road. They don’t need constant supervision that age. Not sure why dad needs to babysit them for an hour or so till the mum gets home if they are doing other activities. If he has them till day 4pm on a Saturday then that’s time he drops them off. None of this Mum not home for 2h so we just sit in the car or drive 100 miles.

Original poster
sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 12:55

nearly 7 years - he hasn't been in the house since unless invited in (maybe twice?) Doesn't want to at all . She would have nothing to base those fears on at all. Even on his no contact days they cant get in and have to go to friends or she gets her BF to be there. She is fundamentally a controlling nightmare - no mitigating reasons !!

OP posts:
Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 23/11/2018 12:59

We had our own keys from 11 when we walked to and from school alone.

How silly to make them wait in the car with their dad or to just hang around? To be frank, i'd tell her to text your DH when home so that he can drop them to go straight in or she can collect them. The fact that you avoid sorting this for the sake of not making her kick off.

It needs sorting and the fact that those children are scared of her kicking off so easily isn't nice.

howabout · 23/11/2018 13:01

I hope that's not your attitude in front of her DDs or no wonder she has trust issues.

12 and 14 year old DDs can be highly manipulative (mine are 16 and 17). They sound like they have their Dad running after their social life at their weekday home as opposed to spending time with him. They are also probably using him to undermine their DM. Probably time to be more flexible with contact arrangements since they are old enough to come up with something which means they see their Dad without it stifling their life.

Still think keys are not the real issue.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/11/2018 13:07

Just to be clear, do you mean that on weekends when they are with their father, they (accompanied by him) would like to be dropping into their mother's house as it suits them?

Or is it just when he's dropping them back at a prearranged time?

Winterbella · 23/11/2018 13:08

Nothing weird at all, If they aren't prepared to tidy up after themselves why should my small ones suffer by having their routine out of wack to appease unruly teenagers.eh no

eggstoast · 23/11/2018 13:11

I think the problem is you live you live to far away from the kids. I guess that teenagers want to spend time doing activities with their friends at weekends, not with their dad. So he’s ferrying them between these activities in their home town - which is 50 miles away ?

Where does your dh go in between drop offs at the weekend?

The set up, if I’m reading it right sounds like a bit of a nightmare, and I’m honestly not being judgemental of you, I know how difficult being a step parent can be.

meetthewildes · 23/11/2018 13:12

I was twenty-one when I first got a key to my mother’s home... until then I was expected to go in and out of the dog flap! We had an Old English Sheepdog so there was plenty of room.

We laugh about it now. My friends found it bonkers at the time.

blackcat86 · 23/11/2018 13:14

YANBU. DSS has a key to our place and he's only here weekend and holidays. He's 14. Do they have a key to your place to show that they can be responsible for one?

Sitting the car, driving in show etc are all ridiculous. Why has he not challenged this? If there is an agreed drop off time then mum needs to be there, no excuses. Once in a bluemoon may be there is a traffic but if she can't make it on time then the arrangements need to be changed because either it's not feasible for her to do the journey in the time allowed or getting there on time just isn't a priority. What has DH done about this? Have you considered pursuing custody if you and DH feel that she isn't prioritising the needs of the DCs?

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 23/11/2018 13:23

OP you said... "She doesnt want them to have access to the house, particularly when its their time with him."

That is really at the heart of it. Of course she doesnt!!! Its their time with him so he needs to plan to be responsible for the kids then.

This does seem completely reasonable and the key issue maybe sadly due to his behaviour. If she knew he had thw kids when it was his turn and wasnt going to try to get access then maybe the children would have a key.

blueskiesandforests · 23/11/2018 13:26

Winterbella perhaps the more relevant question is how you've got to the point where your teens act like squatters ... Why do you come in and tidy up after them? Why are they making this apparently terrible mess which is bad enough that it will cause suffering to your younger children?

Perhaps you need to start teaching your teens to behave like normal human beings with appropriate levels of responsibility, before you kick hopeless and self centered adults out into the world for someone else's daughter or son to end up trying to live with and teach self care and independence skills ten plus years too late.

Original poster
sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 13:34

appreciate it is hard to explain complex issues in a post - there is no avoidance of contact at all - it would be far easier and better for everyone if they just stayed with us all weekend - which to be fair - most of the time they do - as they get older though they need more time with their friends and it is tricky if that is so far away and there is no flexibility from her end at all. He is completely responsible for the kids when they are with us and if he is working at the weekend and it is her weekend and they have sport (which he normally arranges) he gets someone to cover as she wont do it - just allows them miss it. The underlying point I guess is how to negotiate with someone without bringing in the heavy machinery - it is too minor for court just highly irritating - trying to encourage girls to start setting their own boundaries with their mum about keys and trust etc but they (understandably) don't want to

OP posts:
Winterbella · 23/11/2018 13:35

blueskiesandforests wise up!

HettySorrel · 23/11/2018 13:39

I had a key at around 12. DSis got one when she was around 12, but kept losing them so she wasn't deemed responsible enough to have any for a while. She got the hang of not losing keys around the age of 16.

BrokenWing · 23/11/2018 13:42

Age 13/14 and not having a key isn't extreme in any way, it is her home, her decision and no one else's business to comment or criticise that decision. But if she is not at home a agreed drop off times your dh can comment on her not being home.

Maybe her experience of relationship advice has made her more aware than most what can happen if keys get into the wrong hands.

The dc need to make sure they have everything they need at yours before leaving for the weekend if they aren't guaranteed access back at their mums. the rest is between them and their mum.

PumpkinKitty82 · 23/11/2018 13:44

Maybe they loose things often or they can’t be trusted at home alone ? Could be any number of things .
My son has lost so many sets of keys it’s mindblowing

timelord92 · 23/11/2018 13:46

You have a few issues here with the keys being the least of your worries.

Your husband and the kids should definitely not be waiting round in cars and having showers in sports centres. Doesn’t he have a specific time he drops the kids off? Or is their mothers work schedule always up in the air.

Also I don’t understand all these messages from posters saying that the ex is right to not give keys because she doesn’t want him in the house. Surely he can just drop them off, make sure they are in, that the doors are locked, etc and leave them till their mother arrives. I used to mind my younger sister on my own when I was 14 after school and feed her until my parents came in. These aren’t babies they are teenagers.

I was gonna say to not take them back home in the evening but presumably they have school by their mums and it would mean dropping them off in the morning instead.

This enabling behaviour can only continue while the ex is being allowed to get away with it. I feel sorry for the poor girls

blueskiesandforests · 23/11/2018 13:50

Winterbella to what? I have a teen and a preteen, whose friends also spend time at ours, I taught teens for years, I work with young people in a residential setting.

It is not responsible parenting to shrug off the fact you can't trust your teens unsupervised in their own home even for an hour in the daytime. It sounds as though it's you who should "wise up" as you put it.

MyDcAreMarvel · 23/11/2018 13:54

All kids are different dd1 has a key age 9 in year five a month before she turned 10. She was home for 40 mins before me. Dd2 is 14 and doesn’t have akey and won’t for a good while.
I make arrangements for her to go to a family friend if I am not in.

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 23/11/2018 13:56

Timelord - it appears OP wants the kids to hace access to their home between activities when its on dads time. So dad drives to where mum lives, has kids but wants them to be able to go back home for an hour or ao between actvities. Id not be happy with that either. Its not just about drop off. OP says "particularly when its their time with him." So kids are supposed to be with dad but he wants to use exes home in between activitiea/for a shower instead of taking kida to a cafe etc.

Slightlyjaded · 23/11/2018 14:05

I am genuinely shocked at the posters who are on the fence with this. It's mental. Of course they should have a key and access to their home as and when they need to.

If she doesn't want your H to go in there between activities, fine. He can wait in the car whilst they shower or whatever, but the round trips and the dropping off only to have to wait for her is madness.

Both my DC had keys from about 10. I have never given 'trusting' them in their own home a second thought and they are now 12 and 13 and so far, have never done anything worse than eat a few biscuits. I am genuinely Shock and Confused at this.

Original poster
sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 14:07

just to clarify - not to go home between activities - he waits around - but isn't it mad that they cant go home for a shower (they get muddy and cold) and have to go to a sports centre - he would wait outside - he is very familiar with the inside of his car unfortunately,,, doesn't want to go in under any circumstance but just make it easier for the kids - pp you are right the keys are the least of it - I always thought it was a bit of an exaggeration to say people using their kids as weapons to get back at an EXH (or W for that matter) but they clearly do - my own relationship with EXH is not perfect by any means but we always put the kids above our own irritations I hope

OP posts:
Original poster
sunintheeast · 23/11/2018 14:08

just to add - they have to use a sports centre to shower even if she is actually at home...

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 23/11/2018 14:09

Sunintheeast does your ex really expect the use of his ex's house when he has contact?

That's a totally different issue to the teens having access to their own home, though I can see there is overlap under some circumstances.

Pompom42 · 23/11/2018 14:12

My parents were like this with me wouldn't let me have a key (very old fashioned)
My eldest DD is very sensible and always asks to have friends over etc even when I'm not here. She's had a key since she started Secondary School, age 11.
At that time she was only letting herself in once every couple months. Now it's twice a week she needs it. Don't like the idea of her hanging around in the cold until I get home.

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