To say I understand why some people don’t pay child maintenance? X

[princessmum1]

Just that really. It seems crazy that child maintenance is not means tested beyond anything other than income. It doesn’t matter if your mortgage/rent or your ex partners is £2000 a month or £300 a month you’ll b expected to pay the same amount. Seems odd when you compare it to benefits that are very much means tested based on everything.

I used to work with builders and labourers. The number of those who had exes and kids and boasted about not paying maintenance or as little as they could made me feel sick.
Most of the comments were stupid like ''I'm not paying for HER to go out or to enjoy herself!' or, 'Let her find another mug to fleece' Others would pay nothing if they couldn't see their kids on demand however unreasonable.

The fave from my ex was I'm not funding your lifestyle.

I work full time, I have a great job. Never needed him. Don't need his £16 a week.

What lifestyle he thinks £16 a week would fund I don't know but it's hardly a decadent one is it. Not that he's paying it anymore anyway.

This is the man who thinks nothing of spending £500 on a lady of the night, or £100 on a Chinese takeaway for himself or £50 on a shot.

Got forbid I might buy a false eyelash with the £16 it's laughable.

I wonder if these NRPs realise that their children will grow up knowing that they have been unwilling to pay maintenance mainly to spite the RP ?
If they really meant what they say they would be putting the maintenance into a separate account which they could give directly to their child when they reach the age of eighteen. That way they would be showing they care for the children while not funding the RPs' extravagance.

YABVVVVVVU

your friend should think on the positives, he may struggle financially but he’s doing the right thing, and lessening the chances of the kid growing up thinking his dad’s an arsehole.

A benefit!!!!

I don't consider the money I spend on my children as some sort of benefit I'm bestowing on them to avoid hardship. So why does a nrp see it that way?

By your reasoning the NRP could get an expensive house with expensive outgoings and live a lavish lifestyle to avoid paying for his child.

You do realise the rate of children living in relative poverty is 47% and twice that of kids in two patent families. They are hardly raking it in.

What the rent, income or living circumstances of the resident parent is none of their business.
They aren't spending YOUR money on themselves as long as the kid is fed, clothed , clean and provided for.

Children know. My youngest are at university now and they know full well who pays what.
I have been surprised on some first dates how a man will show off about not paying for his chidlren. Why would they think you would want a man like that? One worked in a family private office as an accountant and told me about making sure his income was paid off shore so his wife did not get his hands on it. Utterly undesirable. Why would anyone date a man who didn't pay for his children?

Another who doesnt understand why your outgoings matter???? You sound like youre saying maintenance should be paid put of what is left after what you choose to spend, rather than a priority.

All of this. There's no "choose", it's an obligation once you become a parent that you pay your way. If anything I think it's laughable how many NRP's don't pay, or lie about circumstances and pay the bare minimum. I'd vomit with shame if my own DC had to go without because of my tightfistedness.

Xenia, do you challenge your dates attitude when you hear such rubbish spoken? I think I would make an excuse to go to the loo and dissapear.

OP needs to be very careful. DGS’s Dad left DD when baby was only weeks old. In 12 years he hasn’t paid any maintenance as he has ducked and dived , flitted from to job and lied through his teeth. He moved on ad had a DD to someone else who used to phone/ text my DD to complain about DD pursuing CM. Their argument was that DH and I helped ! Anyway , ex has now left the new woman and she is the one complaining.

Sorrybaby- nah you're trying to backpedal! You actually referred to the RP as "living the high life" which is nonsense!

Ewits - ugh! He should not be using maintenance for original kids to pay for stuff for new kid! Dick! Has your friend got onto cms? Because this will only be the start!!

Conferencepear - they don't give a shit what their kids think of them either, my ex hasn't seen dd in several years - his choice by lack of action! He's also blocked her completely! Yep his own dd! All my fault of course.

Xenia - I don't get why they're proud of it either. Sickening! I won't even enter fwb with a man who shafts his kids let alone entertain a more traditional relationship. If all women did this I bet they'd soon rethink! But unfortunately internalised misogyny, ignorance, believing the crazy ex stories is all too common among certain women. I knew a couple we were very friendly then I discovered quite late on he had a child from a previous relationship that he neither saw nor paid cm for! And she was also weirdly proud of this - cut em both off.

Oldbutstillgotit - gf 2 has nobody to blame but herself, but it's the kids who end up doing without.

They should be prosecuted for neglect. It is completely irrelevant what the grandparents provide. Children are expensive!

Incidentally what do his parents pay towards the children - my bet is absolutely fuck all!

My dad did not provide for or see his kids from his first marriage. Me and my siblings are not stupid. We realised that his involvement with us was totally dependent on staying married to our mum.

Simple answer. Get your friend to have his DC 24/7 half the week then, seeing as he's 50% responsible. No, I bet he won't want to do that. The vast vast majority don't. Whatever the NRP pays, most of the time it wouldnt even cover round the clock responsibility and 'care' for the child 3.5 days a week including nighttime and weekends if they had to outsource it, let alone the practicalities of food, clothes, etc etc . Absolute nonsense.

sue, yes. In fact that one said he had hit his wife in a row and she was now using it against him. Why would anyone particularly someone bright, an accountant etc think a potential n ew girl friend (a) would like to hear about their divorce on a first date (I am a good listener I suppose) and in particular (b) want to hear he was not paying for the children and had hit his wife - it was apparently some kind of push that wasn't important but even so why bother to mention it? And yes I would always make a comment back. about how expensive children can be. Not everyone is like tihs though. I saw one man who was paying his ex wife's children's school fees and they were his step children not even his own children.

it's always been a difficult issue I suspect, men having children and running off from Ghengis Khan and earlier ( 1 in 200 men on the planet are his direct descendant bumpreveal.com/blogs/statistics/genghis-khan-dna-descendants )

So. If your partner decides to leave, how much of what you now both spend on princess would you like to give up? She wouldn't cost less because OH out of the equation.

My brother has paid maintenance for 15 years. He has had to stop paying into his pension to afford rent on a two bed flat so he can have overnights, pay maintenance, help the kids out with stuff as they got older etc. He is 55 now, the children are grown and he has nothing. No pension, no house, no savings.

The youngest wanted to move in with him at 16 to go to an outstanding school near his flat. His ex told him flatly there was no way she was paying maintenance for him to take her child off her. She didn’t see the irony.

Sometimes i think separated couples should still have joint finances. Both housing costs paid, bills, a personal allowance, and anything and everything else is spent on the kids. Not in any way practical though!

The nrp often also doesn’t get a choice in being nrp. My brother worked flexitime and was the main carer before they went to school, and his parents did all the wraparound care, but was told he had no chance of gaining residency. Broke his heart- as he says he had kids to bring them up, to get them up on a morning and put them to bed each night. No amount of paying maintenance could replace actually bringing up his children.

It’s a really shit situation for many couples as money just doesn’t stretch to cover two lifestyles. The nrp is expected to make the sacrifices as the rp moving to a smaller home affects the children.

It’s shit, and it’s not fair. But keeping residency of my kids would be the most important thing in the world. I can’t quite articulate but sometimes i think as long as i keep residency money isn’t important.

Ewits - ugh! He should not be using maintenance for original kids to pay for stuff for new kid! Dick! Has your friend got onto cms? Because this will only be the start!!

She has but he's self-employed and knows every bloody loophole in the book. She needs new winter coats and wellies for the DC and when she asked him if he could help out he told her "that's what you get maintenance for", that same maintenance he hasn't been paying I've spent the afternoon talking her into letting me take her to Tesco for a week's food shop and a coat/wellies each for the DC, I know if the situation was reversed she'd have me in the car and filling a trolley so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground. Next time I see him I want to ask how come I, a 35yo SAHM, am more of a fucking man than he is? He should be ashamed of himself. Ironically he will often complain to her "your friends don't like me"

My ex has never paid a penny, his justification?

I get my nails done. It's my one fucking monthly treat I do my own hair/eyebrows everything else, I'm not giving my one luxury up.

My husband works and provides for my older DD same as he does our son and my nails. I'm confident if we where to ever split he would provide for DS because he is a decent parent and human being in general.

If they really meant what they say they would be putting the maintenance into a separate account which they could give directly to their child when they reach the age of eighteen. That way they would be showing they care for the children while not funding the RPs' extravagance

Utterly unacceptable. Maintenance is about bringing up a child and what it costs to do that. Not presenting your child with a massive lump sum on its birthday and saying 'here you go son, sod your mother's sacrifice all these years, you go have a good time'.

I also personally have yet to see a RP living an extravagant lifestyle. Unless you consider paying pension contributions, maintaining a house, keeping a house warm and paying insurances for the house and car as some kind of desireable added extra?

Life lesson. Takes two to make a child and both are responsible for said childs upkeep, no excuses

I have been there... child maintenance did leave us penniless. Because of the ridiculous way it was calculated about 10 years ago. I don't know how things are under the new system.
I am not against paying, but sometimes the calculation does not add up. Even the non resident parent has a right to move on and live. Have a family and more children which should not come 2nd to the first child. (I know very controversial on here...)
So, yes if you put people into such an impossible situation (as the LAW dictates) than you are looking at a whole army of non paying parents.

Newname I was almost with you until you said "the nrp makes sacrifices" as if RP's don't! RP's take the financial hit doubly! Actually trebly - in covering the children's costs, having to maintain a larger home & in being limited what hours they work and what work they can do as they have to work around childcare!

And that's IF they get maintenance paid.

So like hell do nrps make the most sacrifices!

Ewits - what a piece of shit. I used to take the high ground - then realised it was overrated - I've publicly shamed my ex for not seeing dd and not paying maintenance. We had nothing to lose by that stage! It did result in him paying for a few months but it didn't last. Fuck him. Dd has grown into an amazing young woman and he will likely never get to see it. Occasionally I get a woeful message from him or wife 2 how much he misses her etc - ball was in her court. I bent over backwards for years and he couldn't even organise his arse to book leave! Hell he can't even be arsed to phone!

It seems to be particularly prevalent among men under 50 (not that I don't know over 50's as bad but fewer of them) the older men I know don't understand it, for them it was shameful not to provide for your family, certainly nothing to be proud of!!

Note to deadbeats - abandoning and neglecting your kids isn't manly, it isn't clever it's pathetic! You don't deserve those kids to call you dad if you do this.

@Sinuhe nobody has an issue with the NRP moving on and having more children. But yes it is an issue when they then moan they struggle to afford to pay maintenance. Don't have more children if you can't afford to pay for your existing ones, simple.

BitchQueen90 - it's about the way the way it's calculated... and if there are more biological children than the money should be split fairly. Not in favour of one child to the departmental effect of the others.