Mrsmuddlepies - yes the system is crap BUT we shouldn't NEED a bloody system! What happened to taking some fucking responsibility for the child you're half responsible for creating? What happened that now men are PROUD of abandoning your kids and not supporting them instead of being a decent father and being proud of that?! It's fucked up!
I actually love Chris rocks take on this (if not easily offended it's on YouTube) - that it bugs him when certain types make out that doing what you're supposed to do somehow makes you a fucking hero!
Short summary of the message of the routine mentioned:
they bang on 'I pay for my kids' yes you're bloody supposed to! What you want a bloody medal?!
As for 50/50 I think you'll find the types that try and dodge maintenance are ALSO the ones completely flaky over contact too! Whatever bullshit they feed the next potential mug.
JoeBloggs - yes the "it's only fair to give him a chance to pay" bollocks pissed me off too! My ex (I suspect with help from arrse a sort of army version of mn) worked out how to play it so he never paid regularly or always in full BUT it never got to the stage of DOE as just as csa was reaching that point he'd pay something. When it became cms o must admit I took the opportunity to request to speak to a manager, I told him how ex had been playing it and asked him to review the whole history, which he did. Based on THAT plus my saying ex was claiming he was unemployed but I'd seen on FB he'd just bought a house and new (brand new 4wd) car and made comments suggesting he was working, long story short, after various investigations (which didn't take that long!) they came down on him like a ton of bricks! So for the last 8 months of me using them (after 14 years approx at this point of him dodging) I did get regular in full payments - because it was done as a DOE!
It would have been longer but due to issues with school dd left early and got a job so I could no longer claim as effectively she was seen as an adult even though she wasn't 18. (I think that's wrong too).
"When theyhowever are taking their third holiday abroad and discussing buying a top of the range camper van it does grate." Oh I hear you! My ex has a very nice detached 4 bed house with double garage in the south east, brand new car every year, new phone every year, designer clothes for him and his 5 subsequent children he's had with ow/wife 2, those children go without nothing - inc I recently learned private education, several holidays a year including Florida or Caribbean most years...
Meanwhile dd and I have been reliant on benefits including when I was working full time (unfortunately unable to work right now due to ill health), we're currently in HA flat, she's had 2 holidays her whole life and one of those was thanks to a tax rebate! I've had to juggle like a genius to afford the footwear she needs due to her disability, at points I've gone without food so she eats, I've only had heating on when she's home to save money, and honestly my current health issues are at least partly due to all that stress. And that's not the worst either - I can't even say the worst things he's done as it would immediately identify me to anyone that knows us!
My ex also refused to let my dd contact me when she's down there - when she got to an age where she had a mobile phone he took it off her! Wouldn't accept her diagnosed disability and pushed her to do things that caused her pain and flare ups, only gave her the same amount of food to eat as their eldest - who's 3 years younger! Not so much a problem once they're teens maybe but a 6 year old eats more than a 3 year old! Again due to her disability she has a high metabolism and is very slim and needs the calories, she always came back from theirs having lost weight she could ill afford to, she often came back sick too with some bug or other - not really surprising when she was hungry, over exercised and unnecessarily stressed! Yet HE called SS on me twice! (Both times they checked in and realised it was an arsehole ex making a malicious complaint).
He doesn't give a fuck!
I've NEVER stopped her contacting him or him her, I've NEVER obstructed contact if anything bent over backwards yet I hear he's telling people I'm a benefit scrounging, gold digging bitch who won't let him see her or even speak to her - HE has blocked HER on phone and all social media, his own dd.
I used to do the "dignified silence" crap now I don't bother I tell the truth and I've screen shots of texts etc to prove it! He's lost friends as a result of this, not just from them learning the truth but because they felt he tried to manipulate them into getting me to stop claiming maintenance based on false information. They felt used.
Personally I don't think ons is any different - sex can = child that's life. Ons can still have contact with the child if they want, regardless that child still deserves financial support.
That said, most of the shitty nrps are not ons, and most of the children affected were planned by BOTH parents - dd certainly was. We were married several years, 1st pregnancy ended in mc, dd came along just over 18 months later. He was an enthusiastic and involved dad until the affair started. Pretty much as soon as we split he lost interest.
"the RP is at the mercy of the NRP’s decisions which are out of their control." HA! As if nrps are hard done by!
Poesy in my experience it's rare for the RP's to actually be as bad as the nrps make out and whilst I am an RP I have friends in both camps inc a few male friends who are/were RP's and their female nrp exes pulled all the same shit the male ones do!
Personally where it's a case of there's a clear RP not 50/50 then overnights on a school night, and which schools I think are ultimately the RP's decision as they're the ones having to manage school attendance and the child being rested enough etc Christmas & birthdays, holidays there has to be negotiation yes
My friends that are nrps have on occasion accused the RP's of X y z, but even though it's the nrps that are my friends I knew and was friendly with their ex's while they were still together and so had a good sense of what was likely and what was frustration and emotion talking. I've challenged them and dug deeper and the vast majority of the time things weren't as they claimed. One who is a friend from childhood he's like a cousin to me - I gave an absolute bollocking when I found out he wasn't paying maintenance a few months after he split from his ex, his reason - because "why should I pay for her to have nights out" and when I probed it was jealousy! He'd heard on the grapevine that she'd pulled on a night out and it pissed him off (they'd been split over 6 months at this point!). I not only gave him an almighty bollocking myself I told his parents who I'm also very close to and his mum - wow! She absolutely went through him! After that he got his head on straight and paid the maintenance. And we're still friends, he (much 😂) later thanked me for calling him on his shit and not letting him self sabotage by not being the good dad he really is.
That experience has made me think (and say at least on here sometimes) that we as a society need to stop being afraid to call out our friends and family if they pull this shit. Maybe then there'd be fewer kids going without - both financially and in terms of having their father in their lives?