To want my child to call their Grandma, Grandma/Nan

[gimmeadoughnut123]

Long story short - we are expecting our first child and hold traditional values, so would like grandparents to have grandparent names.
My MIL has a grandchild already and he calls her something very unique/different that doesn't resemble a grandparent like title at all, it's more of a nickname.
I'm totally ok with whoever else in the family calling her whatever they want and respect that, but for us, we would like to go with something traditional. I'm concerned that this might cause upset for not only her but my B/SIL. I don't want to look like I'm 'insulting' what she is already called.
She isn't a young Nan so it's not an age thing, and she wouldn't have minded being called Nan/Grandma, if she wasn't asked if she would prefer that or to choose something different for herself.

DH agrees, but I want to avoid offending in laws if I can.

Do you know whether she chose the name the other gc call her, or whether their parents chose it?

We used to call my gm 'Granny' but one set of cousins called her something unique (a mixture of Gran and a nickname of her first name, which no one else used - think Granpeggy for a woman called Margaret whom no one else called Peggy), presumably at the instigation of their parents since they also called their other grandmother something similar. They were all older than us so had had first choice. No one in the family cared that we used different names, or saw it as an insult to their parenting choices or whatever. The younger sets of cousins all just went with Granny too.

Just ask your MIL what she wants to be called. She may well not have chosen the name they already use anyway. If she does choose the name that doesn't necessarily mean you need to use it, just that your child calls her it. So, for example, 'we're going to see your grandma tomorrow'.

My dm has insisted on being called something that has no resemblance to a grandmother - I hate it, hate it, hate it

We call her by her forename, or "my mum" when I am talking about her

If you use the word you prefer, then your child will most likely use that name. Our eldest GS had a name for my DH and was used by some of the other GCs but not all. of them. The younger GCs tend to use the nickname, then grow out of it and use granddad. I doubt any offence will be caused. She may like having that special name with just that GC.

@ChinaCrisis thank-you! To be honest we haven't asked her, but she chose this nickname for herself before and she has said that other children in the family would call her it. So we have just assumed really. I might stick Grandma in front of it when we talk to the child, like other's have suggested. Then it is win win.

I think you might need to chill out a little, I can’t say I worried about what my kids referred to their grandparents as, especially when they hadn’t even arrived yet! Our parent’s picked their names when our first child arrived. My dad chose grandad but once our eldest started to talk she just called him her own made up name, that sounds nothing remotely like grandad, she’s nearly 3 and her brother has just started to say a few words, he also calls him this too!

What I’m trying to say in the nicest possible way is that you are overthinking something that at the end of the day you may not get to decide on. Your child might nickname their grandparents a nonsense name and it sticks. I think my dads nickname is here to stay, as ridiculous as it sounds, we all love it.

When I was young I had 2 Granny's , so Granny X and Granny Z.

XMIL is known as Nan to all her other GC so we had to go with that too although Nan is not usual to me, we respected her wishes.

My mum was to be Granny however DD called her Nana and it stuck.

I do think that it is up to the grandparents to a degree what they want to be known as, but they should also accept that things evolve too and they could end up being something different.

Nobody can make the OP use a made up cutesy nickname herself though.

If the grandmother wants her grandchildren to call her Sugar or Sweetie or Bunny or Mimsy or Twinkle or Darling or anything else random, the OO would be controlling to try to overtly forbid it, but she doesn't have to promote it.

As I said the OP can say to her baby "we're going to visit your grandma today, let's get you into the car seat" "here we are - your grandma's house!" The grandmother can greet the baby and say "There you are! Haven't you grown! Sweetie has missed you, let Sweetie take you indoors" if she wants.

Nobody gets to control the other person's language or indirect form of address, and the op can continue to call her MIL Carol or whatever she's always calked her when addressing her directly.

It's an issue which can easily be sidestepped. If the name of the grandparents' choice makes the parent uncomfortable the parent does not have to use it directly. It's then down to the grandparent to reinforce it and the parent not to actively veto it.

People very rarely name or nickname themselves, names and nicknames are almost always bestowed upon us in personal life.

What’s wrong with the term of address she’s chosen? I have read the thread but still not getting it 😳

I wanted my MIL to be known by the same name I'd called my own grandmother. She clearly wanted to be known by another name. Over time she --brainwashed- got the kids to use her preferred title. My grandmother was my only family so it was very important to me, plus I had PND, and it all added to my feeling like I wasn't important in my own right. On its own, and if I'd have had family, maybe not such a big deal and I may not have minded much.

I do really want to know what the name she wants is...

I don't watch Britain's got Talent - do the contestants have ott names?

Is it something like an "artist name" a manufactured pop singer might be given?

Could you call her The Artist Formally Known As Dazzling Sparkles* / Lil Duchess (or whatever)

What's the name? It can't be something like mama because you've taken on board the suggestion of putting grandma in front and grandma mama sounds a bit odd.
I have a friend who's child calls both grandmothers 'nan' there is zero confusion between the nans! Why do people think a same name would be confusing? If both parents had a sibling named Emma then the children would grow up having 2 auntie Emma's. It's no different.

Nan is awful. I would flatly refuse to be called that. I think you need to chill out OP and let things take its natural course.

Is it Bubbles?

Or Bunny?

Or Sparkle?

Sorry

Both my grandmother's didn't like grandma. Said it made them sound too old. So both got nanny. However mum's mum also hated nana (it's a dog's name!)

So I had nanny Alice (dad's mum) and nanny Wilcox (mum's mum) cos her first name was Annie and nanny Annie sounded weird. Both were just nanny when in their company.

My DD calls both GM's nanny as well. Both wanted to be nanny. DPs mum is Nanny Alice. However my mum is nanny here, as we live round the corner from my mum and 140 miles from DPs. If I refer to nanny to her, she asks nanny Alice or nanny here lol

I don't think Prince George callers the Queen, Gary. I read it is Gan-gang.

My grandmother was given a slightly unusual epithet by one of my older cousins when she was a toddler. By the time I was born that was her name throughout the family, including all ILs. Everyone knew who was meant when that name was used. It saved loads of confusion and it was great to have a 'Xxxx' instead of a grandma or granny or nan like everyone else.

All our childhood friends and their parents called her by it too. If I speak of my childhood, dh and dd know exactly who I'm talking about even though they never met her, same with friends I have made in adulthood.

It has caused no problems.

I was the first grandchild and (apparently) I started calling my maternal grandmother something pretty awful, and was allowed to continue doing so, and was then followed by 2 siblings and 4 cousins who all did the same. My mother let me know that she wanted to be called Granny, and I let my son know that I wanted to be called Granny, and that is what we are called by our own grandchildren. My Mum is now called Granny (hername) by my grandchildren to distinguish us from each other. It works for us. I think it is fine for the grandparents to decide what they want to be called, children may amend it but if the grandparents don't like it I think the parents should encourage use of the preferred name.

We used [insert town name] granny for each. Worked fine. Some kids and grandparents sort of evolve their own name as speech develops. Whatever.

Definitely pick your battles. To be honest, by the time they're old enough to assign a name to your in-laws, you'll be far more concerned with chasing them before they hurt themselves or wipe food down a wall.

I'd just refer to her as Grandma and your child will probably follow suit.

Someone in my family chose an odd name for herself when the first grandchild was born and all the subsequent grandchildren use it too. It means grandma in another language that none of the family speak and it just grates with me.

Anyway, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I don't want to share what the nickname is because like I said, I don't have an issue with other people in the family using it and mean no disrespect to them. Sorry for the suspense that will now never end!

My niece and DD1 are the same age. My sister and I both called our grandmas, Grandma. So our mum was going to be Grandma too.

Our daughters had other ideas. Neither one uses a traditional name. They both have different names they call her. The names have just stuck and are what we use.

By all means use what you want but you child may not! I also wouldn’t worry about having two different names in the family for Grandma. Don’t think it will offend anyone.

If your child has children who would you like to choose what they’d call you, as their grandparent?

My DD has her own names for my parents, which are a version of granny and grandpa but the way she started saying them when she was learning to speak and it's stuck. My brothers' children call them Granny and Grandpa. When we were little, we all called our dad's parents granny and grandad but our cousin had his own names for them. My granny did try to get all of us to call them that but my parents said we didn't have to, it was a really silly sounding jam and we would have felt silly saying it

Depending upon how many people use the gm's current epithet, and how often your child sees them and spends time with them - particularly cousins - your child will call her by that name, but maybe call her by your preference when speaking of her at home. If your baby feels they have to call her your preference, even when with others who don't call her that, then he/she will be singled out and seen as different.

It depends if you want inclusion in the wider family or not. I suspect when you get on to a second child this whole thing will have paled into insignificance and you'll be calling her what everyone else does anyway.

This is not a hill to die on.