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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my child to call their Grandma, Grandma/Nan

166 replies

gimmeadoughnut123 · 21/11/2018 11:17

Long story short - we are expecting our first child and hold traditional values, so would like grandparents to have grandparent names.
My MIL has a grandchild already and he calls her something very unique/different that doesn't resemble a grandparent like title at all, it's more of a nickname.
I'm totally ok with whoever else in the family calling her whatever they want and respect that, but for us, we would like to go with something traditional. I'm concerned that this might cause upset for not only her but my B/SIL. I don't want to look like I'm 'insulting' what she is already called.
She isn't a young Nan so it's not an age thing, and she wouldn't have minded being called Nan/Grandma, if she wasn't asked if she would prefer that or to choose something different for herself.

DH agrees, but I want to avoid offending in laws if I can.

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 21/11/2018 11:37

My maternal grandma has a pet name as she didn't want to be nanny/granny etc and also loathed her first name. She was always 'that name'. Confused the hell out of my youngest cousin (15 year age gap between her and youngest) when she was brought up by my auntie to call her nanny and the rest of us all called her something else.

I think it's very unfair to impose on someone a name when a different one is already being used for that purpose.

MumW · 21/11/2018 11:38

Could they be Grandma as a compromise?

DoingMyBest2010 · 21/11/2018 11:39

I feel your pain. My MIL is called 'Mama" by my eldest niece. When I was pregnant with my DD (grandchild no 2), I told her my child wouldn't be calling her 'Mama', as I'm Dutch and in NL, it's what my daughter would call me. It took a lot of me standing my ground, but thanks to support from my DH, she eventually 'agreed' to be called grandma.
Fast forward a few years when grandchild no 3 came along (not mine), and one of my niece called out for 'Mama", the confused look on my DD's face said it. She said 'but you're Mama, not grandma!'.
Haven't look back since. The bottom line is: there's only one Mama to my DD and that's me :-). When my DD was newborn, my FIL posted on FB "mama can't wait to see her". FFS. Anyway, moved on since then :-)

browneyesblue · 21/11/2018 11:39

Our family has a similar situation with my father, and I was going to say something along the same lines as blueskies

My sister has older children than mine, and they call my father something a bit unusual (a name he chose).

For personal reasons, I really don’t like the name (one of the reasons being that it sounds a bit to much like Dad in our second language), but it had already been established by the time my DCs were born.

My DCs call him by the unusual name if speaking to him, but refer to him as their grandfather if talking about him. Works okay for us.

SingaporeSlinky · 21/11/2018 11:41

Isn’t mee-maw an American nickname for grandmothers? Sometimes the nicknames come from the eldest grandchild in a family not being able to pronounce grandma and it ends up sticking because the adults find it so cute. I know 40 year olds who still call their grandma by those nicknames, and it’s been carried down so nearly all the other grandchildren and now great-grandchildren use the same one.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 21/11/2018 11:41

What does your child's cousin call her. I think that would help us a lot.

I just started referring to my mil as granny and my daughter copied. She wanted to use an Italian version as she thought it sounded more continental and smarter.

Gatehouse77 · 21/11/2018 11:41

So, my mum was very resistant o being called Granny, etc. but only because someone put the idea in her head that the name somehow reflected her age rather than her status.
She did eventually come to be Granny and, actually, loved it. I'll admit that when she came up with one alternative which we thought was hideous we did start working on the word Granny!

On the flip side, I know a family where the grandmother had a lovely nickname used by all the grandchildren and in many ways it was more special because it was unique and personal.

I think you'd be best to work this out within your family than online.

SummerGems · 21/11/2018 11:43

Whose chosen name is it though? I.e.if your mil hasn’t said anything but your DN just calls her whatever they call her then it’s just a name they call her isn’t it?

My DS calls my ILs something different to what SIL’s DC call them, think granny/nanny type of difference and nothing has ever had to be said/discussed.

WRT my parents, they were called something else by DC than my sister’s DC but my sister’s ds couldn’t say grampy when he was a baby so used his own name, and ironically that name has stuck with all the kids now. Again,no discussion necessary apart from my ex who said it wasn’t a proper name and DS should call him something proper. We paid no heed... Grin.

As long as your mil hasn’t said that she absolutely wants all the children to call her sugar tits or whatever name her other gc uses then just go with it.

Chances are that the name already in place may stick anyway if your baby is influenced by their cousin, and if it does you may just have to go with that assuming it’s not blatantly offensive.

blueskiesandforests · 21/11/2018 11:44

When the first child of one of my siblings started babbling, one of his favourite sounds was slightly unusually "geegeegeegee". My mother announced immediately and without irony that she had decided she was to be called Geegee by this and any future grandchild Confused Grin My sibling looked at he like this Hmm luckily. She didn't suggest it again.

TchoupiEtDoudou · 21/11/2018 11:45

We let the GPs decide. But DC1 had his own ideas and gave them each their own nickname. One has stuck, the other 2 have evolved into Grandma and Grandad but I suspect that's because we always called them that (instead of the Ganmama and Dada that DC1 chose!) MIL's nickname stuck because we all preferred it to what she had chosen !

User10fuckingmillion · 21/11/2018 11:46

I just thought it sounded vaguely controlling of your (unborn?) child OP. I’d say pick your battles

DontCallMeCharlotte · 21/11/2018 11:46

Just say to her "Are you happy being called Grandma?". If she's not, then you'll know.

Simples.

53rdWay · 21/11/2018 11:47

Grandparent names are like cat names. You can spend ages getting the right one but...

If she’s insisting on being called Supergran or something then YANBU trying to get something else to stick, but your DC might just end up copying their older cousin anyway.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/11/2018 11:49

I guess all you can do is talk to her and ask if she wouldn't mind being called Grandma or whatever it is you want and then leave her to decide.

NotTheFordType · 21/11/2018 11:49

Me and my cousins all called our Grandma different things. To be and my sister she was Grandma, but others called her Granny or Nanny. My youngest cousin settled on "Nanny Pop-Pop" for some weird (but cute) reason.

I don't think your DC or your nephew/niece will be confused.

If you refer to her as Grandma or Nanny then your child will probably use that term. If MIL then says "I'd prefer you call me Flying Pudding Witch like your cousin" then I think you have to respect her wishes.

Burlea · 21/11/2018 11:50

I have 5 DGC and they started to call me Nana when very young and a few years ago a song came out 'nana window' this rhymes with my first name and without any promting they have all started to call me WIND. As long as they not calling anyone else mummy it's surely not a problem. The children will sort it out.

Malbecfan · 21/11/2018 11:51

When DD1 was born, she was the first grandchild on either side, although FiL had remarried a lady who was a great-granny. Her GGC called him by his first name. My dad had always wanted to be Grandpa so got that name and FiL was delighted to be called Grandad.

My mum had always wanted to be Grandma X, X being her first name but sadly died before DD1 was conceived. So we stuck with her wish and even now my daughters refer to her as that. MiL was still around so she got "Grandma" and FilL's wife became "Grandma Y", Y being her first name. Everyone had a unique name, but the 3 remaining GPs got the single name. It worked for us.

chocatoo · 21/11/2018 11:54

I agree to a point that GPs should have a choice but one of my DDs grandparents wanted to be called something that sounded really odd. We felt that DD would have years worth of having to explain that xxx was actually her grandmother and also that the selected name would probably make some people snigger, so we asked her to choose something else (anything else!) - she did but wasn't happy about it.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 21/11/2018 11:54

Your kid might have different ideas on this- I made up a name for one of my Nans to differentiate her from the other one.... and it stuck, despite being vaguely absurd!

fleshmarketclose · 21/11/2018 11:57

My in laws were called Grandpa and Grandma by their daughter's child and by their christian names by ours. They wanted to be called by their christian names by all grandchildren but SIL deemed it inappropriate. If I have grandchildren I won't particularly care what they call me although there is talk that seeing as my adult children call me Mutt/Mutty that the grandchildren will call me grandmutt.

steppemum · 21/11/2018 12:00

Just ask her what she would like to be called. If she says 'goose' (or whatever) you can just say, how about a Grandma/Granny/Nanny etc.

One of my granny's was called by the German Oma (spelt that way) for a reason no one can remember. But one of my cousins didn't have any grandparents on the other side, and really wanted a Granny, so he started calling her Granny. No-one minder that she had 2 names.

My mum felt really strongly about what she was called, she hated Nanny/Nan, and didn't want to be Grandma. She was reluctant to be Granny as her MIL had been Granny to us and that hadn't always been an easy relationship.
She spent 9 months of her first GC pregnancy worrying about it, and about whether my SIL would insist on Nanny etc.
She came up with GrannyMandy (not her actual name) which was quite sweet.
When it came to it, everyone just called her Granny and she loves it.

User10fuckingmillion · 21/11/2018 12:01

Ask her, anyway. I think it’s fairly unlikely she’ll be bothered.

giftsonthebrain · 21/11/2018 12:05

The name my grandchildren call me has evolved over time.
I have friends who are; oma’s, me meres, and mema’s.

ShotsFired · 21/11/2018 12:07

What if your kid independently invents a nickname as part of the relationship they develop with their nan? I don't know, say, lulu or bubba or minpin or whatever?

Are you really going to stamp on that loving little spark in favour of your "traditional" requirement?

Of all the things you're going to have to sort out, this really isn't one you need to worry about so closely, surely?

Bond0O7 · 21/11/2018 12:07

I understand what you mean my Fil insists on being called something that's a made up word that he thinks is "grandad" in a different language but has since found out it's not. But is now used to it. I dont feel comfortable calling him but it is his choice to be called whatever he likes so let your Mil be called what she likes and when your DC is older they may decide to call them a different name.