To think that some men actually work hard and need a break?

[howonearthdoyoucopewith3]

I see so many threads on here saying how useless DH are unless they appear through the door early, take over childcare etc, how they must be shirking and pretending to be at work etc. However, some men do actually have stressful jobs. Why should man (or women if roles are reversed and you have a SAHD and mum who works full time) come in after a full on stressful day and immediately be told he is fully in charge and has to deal with everything? Being at home all day is like doing 'work', but you are then basically saying a SAHM works all day so should get the night off, and the DH works out of the home all day and then should continue to 'work' at home too?

This probably seems really unfeminist or something but it does seem that on MN people seem to think that being at work all day is a treat/rest!

I was the WOH parent when ours were young and 2.5 years apart. Had an on my feet job, too. Still didn't think that meant I deserved more leisure time than my spouse or that paid employment gave me a pass to check out of the rest of life, after all, I managed to function as an adult when I was on my own. Because we love and respect each other, we worked out how to split lifework together and how to work on it together. Some people actually enjoy spending time with their families outside work and don't see it as a chore or that they need to 'rest' the rest of their time outside work and don't see their partner or spouse as a domestic appliance just because they are the ones in paid employment. Your post is sexist.

BlancheM, OP is NBU, I see that type of post all the time on here.

I completely agree. Every family organises itself in the best way for the members but I've always believed that the parent working out the house deserves a rest and downtime when getting home.

Some people find being a SAHP exhausting but that doesn't mean the parent working out of the house is sitting around chilling at the office all day.

Caring for your children isn’t just “work” though. It’s building relationships. When I was on maternity leave dh would absolutely take over childcare the minute he got in the door. Yes he was tired and so was I but by swapping care of the children while I did non-childcare jobs like cooking our dinner he got a chance to parent and I got a change from parenting.

I agree, but of course it totally depends on what your experience as a SAHM is, my life as a SAHM was incredibly stress free, I had a very easy baby, no financial constraints, the confidence to get out and about and follow my interests and hobbies, and I only had one child (by choice). My DH worked long hours, lots of travel (not exotic ). I could pay for a babysitter if I needed a break when DH was away or had friends to share childcare. Actually he was a very ‘hands on’ Dad & always took charge of our DS at weekends to give me a break.

But compare my life to a young mum, with a partner earning a low income, two or more children (possible SN), living in a high rise flat with no car, no friends ..... totally different situation. She is probably desperate for some support when her partner gets home.

I can’t see the issue.
Surely, looking after your dcs and parenting them isnt work is it? I mean that’s the whole premise that explains why said working man can come home and put his feet up whilst his dw still deals with the dcs, cooks etc etc. If it’s nitnwork and so taxing, then I can’t see why it would be an issue for him to step up.

On the other side, if it IS work and hard work, then surely the answer is that once he is back home, the burden of dealing with the dcs, cooking meals etc.ll should be shared?

Because tbh I haven’t seen ANYONE saying the hard working man should take over everything whilst his dw puts her feet up.
What I see is women asking for a fair balance so that when said man is at home, all the work is split. So yes he might be asked to look after the dcs straight away (like any working mum would btw. O one seems to have an issue with that and the fact she can’t put her feet up despite her working hard all day). But that’s because the dw will then be dealing with cooking, cleaning etc etc.

Isn't that just fair???

Actually he was a very ‘hands on’ Dad & always took charge of our DS at weekends to give me a break.

Do you mean he only look after his dc to give you a break? Not because he was his dad? Or because he wanted to build a Relationhsip with his own dc?

Show me anyone who thinks that a SAHP gets to fully clock off and the WOHP clocks on when they come in. Nobody says that. One works in the home with dc. One works out the home with a paid job. Both should be cracking on with whatever needs doing when both home. And both should enable the other to have rest periods

^^THIS

Blimey, a lot of straw men on this thread, aren't there?

Well, thank heaven Sethis has rocked up to give his man’s perspective on how the world really is. I mean, otherwise we’d just be sitting here in our echo chamber twittering and getting it all wrong.

MyBrexit, yes DH did (& has) got a very close bond with our DS but he was also conscious that I appreciated a break from looking after DS.

I often think a useful way of looking at this whole issue is how ‘free time’ is shared, personally I have loads more ‘free time’ than my DH. But it does seem here on Mumsnet that a lot of women don’t get as much ‘free time’ as their partners.

Im a SAHM (apart from a very brief job in the evenings) and I can say hand on heart, my partner that works full time has it harder.
Yes home can be draining but I've experienced both sides and no, I don't think he's shirking if he has a rest when he gets home. I think the job is harder

Completely agree OP, you read it one here all the time...

Right I am the mother working full time out of the home and my DH is the SAHD. I leave at 6:20am to start work at 7:40 and get home about 6:45pm. I cook dinner with my DD (3yo) and then do bath and bed. He sometimes joins in but usually relaxes then we put her to bed about 7:30pm. Then we both relax.
he does limited housework and I usually end up doing a lot at the weekend, if not the evening. Is that fair?

With my first child I very much needed my DH to clock in to child duties as son as he came through the door. His turn to be a mattress with a pulse on the sofa while I finished dinner/finished some chores I'd started earlier.

A change was more use than a "break" although the opportunity to use the toilet in private was welcome once child was on the move.

DH likes snuggling with his babies almost as much as I do!

I always get dh to hel pwhen he comes in. But it is normally only 15mins max til kids in bed. I normally find I need a sit down when I get in and am more chat to thegm than hands on. We are different and it is OK for us as we both feel each other does their bit overall.

OP I totally agree with this and think it every time I read a post where one parent who is at home all day complains about the other parent who is at work all day not taking over childcare the moment they walk through the door, or getting up in the night!! It’s rudiculous!

You have BOTH worked all day, one with the kids and one for a salary. One type of work isn’t more demanding or valuable than the other. When DP gets home you’re 50/50 childcare! Also, in terms of night wake ups, of one of you is at home full time then it’s the home body who should be doing the night wakes- that’s just how it is, it’s common sense. You’ll get to sit on the sofa whilst they watch cebeebies and take a nap whilst they nap!

Massively depends on the situation...

Sahm with school age children...no, dad doesn't need to pitch in as soon as he gets home.

Sahm of new born triplets plus a toddler...yep, no rest for dad!

OP this thread is the are strawest straw man I've ever read. No one says this.

Couples just need to enjoy about the same standard of living as each other!

Teapot I fully agree with y U that once the working parent comes in, it should be 50/50.
But do you really believe when when the SAHM asks for the WOHD to start poking after the dcs that means she just stops and doesn’t nothing??
What I hear is rather something along the lines of ‘you look after the dcs WHILST I cook tea’ or ‘youmlook after the dcs WHILST I wash up/tidy the kitchen etc...’. I’ve yet to find a woman who is asking for their partner to take over completely sonthey do the parenting AND the cooking AND checking that the washing is done etc....
Same with getting up night. Still parenting somreally should be 50/50.
But when a woman asks for their partner to get up at night, again I’ve yet to come across a woman who expects their partner to get up ALL THE TIME. Rather they are hoping they will get up ONCE or they will do the late evening shift (aka 11.00pm) or the early morning one (aka 5.00 or 6.00am) so they get à longer stet h of sleep uninterrupted.

I think a lot of the talk in here (or in RL) where women ask for men to justbstep up and take over is actually about asking for a lot hoping yu will get not the 50/50 it should be but a 20 or 30 vs 80/70 instead of the 5/95 they currentky get...

AHobby nope it’s not.
Butbwhat you are suffering from is the very common situation where a woman is still supposed to do all the ‘woman’s work’ even if they actually are filling what was the ‘man’s work’ (aka bringing in the money).

I dint think I couod accept that tbh.

I read a thread recently about a woman who wanted to hand the kids over immediately the DH got home so she could have a lay down...and the DH was flamed the fuck out of, because he wanted a shower after coming home from work...he was called all the selfish wankers under the sun

I feel sorry for men sometimes, as with some partners, they cannot win

@Mybrexitisill you've hit the nail on the head.

It's like Schrodinger's Parenting- lots of people on here proclaiming that childcare isn't work, and being the SAHP is tantamount to lounging about in bed all day , yet when the WOHP comes home then childcare is so desperately exhausting that someone who has been out to work all day couldn't possibly engage with it.

Either it is hard work, in which case it should be shared, or it isn't, in which case there should be no problem with sharing it.

The truth of the matter is that it depends on the number, age, health and additional needs of the children,plus consideration of other factors such as finances, housing and available support.

Equal leisure time is the fairest way, surely?
I’m a SAHM currently. DH used to come in and take over with the baby, or cook dinner, or put some washing in etc. While he was doing one or more of those things, I’d be doing the other things that needed doing (so if he took over with the children , I’d cook dinner for example). When everything was done, we both sat down for a rest. We tried to avoid any situation where one parent was rushing around getting things done and the other was doing nothing.
Of course if DH had had a shit day and was exhausted then I’d pick up the slack. Equally if I’d had a shit day and needed half an hour to myself, he’d pick up the slack. Because we love each other and would never want to see the other one suffering if we could do anything to help.

I am a Sahp to two primary school age ds. I have a much, much easier life than my DH. He works long hours in a highly skilled job which is hard for many reasons, including being very emotionally and mentally exhausting. I do not expect him to do anything in the evening, if he can he does a bedtime, if he’s not up to it that’s fine too. If I am ill and need help he will do it and he does plenty at the weekend, he also did loads more when the kids were babies and being at home with them was harder. As people have said it’s not about gender roles it’s about a fair balance.