To think that some men actually work hard and need a break?

[howonearthdoyoucopewith3]

I see so many threads on here saying how useless DH are unless they appear through the door early, take over childcare etc, how they must be shirking and pretending to be at work etc. However, some men do actually have stressful jobs. Why should man (or women if roles are reversed and you have a SAHD and mum who works full time) come in after a full on stressful day and immediately be told he is fully in charge and has to deal with everything? Being at home all day is like doing 'work', but you are then basically saying a SAHM works all day so should get the night off, and the DH works out of the home all day and then should continue to 'work' at home too?

This probably seems really unfeminist or something but it does seem that on MN people seem to think that being at work all day is a treat/rest!

[Gingerrogered]

rsMummy Tue 20-Nov-18 20:06:05
This is Mumsnet. Where the full time working parent is expected to work a 50 hour week , manual labour, leaving at 6am to then come home late to cook dinner do half the housework and take over everything with the children hmm whilst the SAHP JUST looks after the children during the day, nothing else.

This is true. All evening work should be shared, so everyone gets a break.

[Rachelover40]

Of course men need a break, so do women. What's the big deal?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Work is often easier than looking after the children. I know it is for me! I have quite a stressful job, dealing with people who are often upset and stressed out themselves, people with MH problems, substance misuse, generally chaotic lives. Still going to work is a rest compared to a 1 and 3 yr old!

[Loonoon]

I do broadly agree with you OP. I was mostly a SAHM whose DH had a demanding job that kept him out of the house 12/13 hours a day so I did the lions share of every damn thing at home just because I was there and awake and present to do it. When DH was home and awake he wanted time with the kids not time doing housework. Our chores certainly weren’t divided 50/50, more like 95/5. However it was a privilege and pleasure to be able to arrange my own life and have so much time with our DC so although it was sometimes overwhelming I didn’t mind too much.

Roll forward over 20 years and things are very different. The nest is empty and DHs hard work has paid off. He is well established in his career and earns good money. I still don’t do paid work outside the home and can now afford help in the house. I have a great life where my time is my own and we have the disposable income that I can pursue the hobbies and interests I love which includes volunteering my own formerly professional services at a high level to support a cause I am passionate about. However as a volunteer I only do a few hours a week and can fit them in around other more ‘fun’ stuff. So although when DC were younger I probably put in more hours per day than he did, being responsible for everything in the home and ‘on call’ 24/7, I now have a much easier life than him.

Marriage and parenthood are a longhaul journey and for us, over the years, things are evening out.

[fireworkbang]

God I'm a sahm of 2 toddlers and love the idea of me putting my feet up in front of the tv once my dh gets home . Currently my day starts at 5.30am (thanks youngest child ), and dh gets home about 6- then he does bedtime while I cook us dinner/tidy up the shit heap that downstairs has become!

[SaltPans]

This probably seems really unfeminist or something but it does seem that on MN people seem to think that being at work all day is a treat/rest!

Out of my antenatal group of about 12, only 2 of us had not gone back to work full time, by the time the babies were one. All the working mothers said it was so much easier, because they got to drink a cup of coffee or eat their lunch in peace!

DH and I are in the same profession. If I were at home, looking after the three DC for the day, I made sure they were dressed (one has sn and could not dress herself until she was 8), they had three meals a day, I did the housework and adjudicated in the frequent arguments before WWW 3 broke out!

If DH was looking after the children, the children would be dressed like they were charity cases (apparently, he never noticed what clothes they had went with what), he got them breakfast; but lunch was at McDonalds and dinner was home delivered pizzas; and he could not even make the beds, never mind any washing or say clean the kitchen or bathroom! Then, when I got home, he complained about the non-stop squabbling, the screaming.....

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

Yes looking after children can be exhausting sometimes but some of the so called jobs a sahp has to do is ludicrous. Paying bills really isn't a job. Most of them are dd the rest involve a phone call or being on line for 2 mins putting in your card number. How on earth would people manage if they still had to go an either pay in person or write a cheque and walk to a post bix with it. Even laundry is fairly quick and simple chuck a pile of similar colours in a machine and turn it on. The modern day house and gadgets make housework so much quicker and easier than our parents or grandparents had it and they all managed perfectly well.

[SaltPans]

sweeneytoddrazor

When DCs were very young, we did not have a computer at home and certainly did not know what the internet was! Paying bills did consist of writing out a cheque, putting it in an envelope with the remittance advice and posting it off! As it so happens, that is what DH still likes - he can't remember what his passwords are for anything, so he usually can't access his Apple ID account, his emails on his phone, websites like the power utilities to pay the bills....Occasionally, I tell him he can take over the household bills, and I end up with a call saying they are going to cut off the gas for non-payment within 24 hours or whatever!

Yes, our parents managed perfectly well, but our mothers got on with the housework and expected us to go off and play with our friends in the street from the age of 5....me and my best friend used to go off on our bikes or go to town on the bus for the day from the age of 8, and our mothers had no idea what we were doing or where we were!

[GabsAlot]

my dsis ex worked away alot wont say but work it out yourselves

always came home and claimed he needed me time and not to be around his family

whilst hed just been doing nothing for three days

[AngelsSins]

Here’s a radical idea, maybe these men with such big important jobs, should consider if their lifestyle lends itself to having a family’s before they start one. If they don’t have the time or energy for children, don’t have them. Parenting isn’t something you can dip in and out of when the mood takes you.

[howonearthdoyoucopewith3]

I think there is confusion here. If DH got back before kids bedtime he wouldn't want to miss that. Spending time with your family isn't the same thing as doing laundry and online shopping etc. What I mean is, if he gets home at 8 he doesn't want to cook dinner and start doing washing.

[MyBrexitIsIll]

Errr... when he comes back home at 8.00pm, I assume he wants to eat something. How does he expect it to happen if he ‘doesnt Want to cook diner and do the washing up’?
The only other option is for the woman to do it. When said woman has been doing just as much as he has by looking after the dcs.

Why is it harder for him than it is for her?
I genuinely dont understand tbh. I’m sure that both of them are tired by that time.

[CatFem]

I agree, but when baby is really small & especially if colicky, then dad does need to take over

[SoyDora]

DH wanted to take our babies as soon as he walked in the door, as he hadn’t seen them all day. He would barely have got any time with them otherwise.

[LuluJakey1]

DH often works from 7.30/8.00am and gets home at 7.30/8pm or even later. He is a headteacher. He comes in really knackered. Some days he gets home by 6m and makes a big effort to be home by 5pm on a Friday.
He just needs some time when he gets in. If the children are up he will sit with them and talk to DS about nursery and play with DD or go up and read to DS- with a mug of tea. If they are asleep, he'll sit in the kitchen with a mug of tea and talk to me. After about half an hour he perks up and starts doing stuff- happy to do whatever needs doing in the house or with the children. After we've eaten he usually loads the dishwasher and I tidy up the kitchen. He quite likes ironing and will iron for an hour if there is lots of ironing- if he's had a tough day he says ironing is like creating order out of chaos and finds it soothing.
I do most of the housework and that's ok with me. I do think he works really hard and as long as he helps I am not bothered about him doing 50%.

[SweetheartNeckline]

Every SAHP I've ever met has done the absolute lion's share of cooking, cleaning etc. Most expect their partner to pitch in when they're at home but we've tended to agree that one of the best things about having time at home in the week is doing a lot of the boring stuff like the Tesco order or cleaning the loo to free up the weekends for fun.

I do think that after mat leave or a period at home it can be hard to readjust to both being at work; in those circumstances I really think it's usually women who end up with the raw end of the deal.

It's only been when we've had newborns (or someone ill) that I've literally handed everything to DH the moment he walks in so I could rest for half an hour. I'm not grateful to him especially, taking over was just the decent thing for him to do. Likewise when he's had a major project on at work, I've stepped up even more at home and "let" him chill more in the evening.

[SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers]

my dp is currently still out working, we are an hour ahead, he wont be home for at least 2 hours he was up and working by 8am, this is not an unusual day for him. The work is physical, stressful and dangerous he needs time to bath and unwind when he gets in, that half an hour for him separates work from home

[howonearthdoyoucopewith3]

I think being at home is much easier than being at work, but that's because I have only had (and my husband still does) a job that is long hours, mentally challenging, difficult team to manage, politics... Compared to that being at home is a much nicer. It has its own challenges with a baby and 2 in school, but it's much preferable to doing a stressful job. I feel my DH has a much tougher deal than me. I am probably just lazy!

[SnipSnipMisterBurgess]

I was the SAHP parent to four for years. Ex used to stay at work until he was sure they were in their pjs and ready for daddy’s heroic bedtime stories of how he worked so hard.

Now the youngest is 5, ex left me four years ago, I’m a working single parent (with a part time nanny) and I am only delighted to come home to sit on the sofa, play, listen to spellings, eat dinner, and do all the bookend care at the start and end of the working day. Somehow I manage to have the occasional shower, put out the bins, wipe down the bathroom, and pick up Lego.

I look back now and think that the reason I found the baby/toddler years so draining was not because I was doing it all, but because I was doing it all in the company of someone who didn’t give enough of a fuck to help shoulder the load.

Two able adults should be capable of having a functioning family evening without resentment or chore-dodging.

I only wish I had been this enlightened years ago.

[dinosaurglitterrepublic]

There is no one size fits all answer to this. It depends on the job and it depends on the kids. It can also depend on the particular day. Generally though, both parents should pitch in when at home. I have been the one at work and the one at home, nothing has changed, we do everything together and share responsibilities. Although I think it helps that we have each had a turn at home and know how difficult something that seems so easy can be! Dealing with whining children all day can be mentally exhausting.

[TheFifthKey]

SnipSnip, same for me. I'm a full-time working single parent and somehow manage to do all the things after work that exDH was far too tired to do when he came home. Except now I'm relieved of the burden of having to wash, clean and cater for a grown man too.

I was amazed the first time I did the 2hr drive to my parent's house on my own that it was pretty easy and not stressful - exDH had always collapsed through the door and needed copious rest and thanks for the arduous ordeal of driving us all there (as I wasn't a driver at the time I never felt I could comment). I felt very conned when I realised it wasn't actually very hard and I even manage to do it on Friday nights after a full week's work without drama.

Working parents do need a rest but it doesn't have to come at the expense of someone else.

[Flev]

We have a 4 week old, so still adapting to life. Right now she is very clingy and wants almost constant cuddles gso yes, when my husband gets home I do hand him the baby straight away, so I can go to the toilet, stretch my arms and have a half hour rest. Then I take her back and he has a shower, half hour rest etc - and after that we are both "on" with dinner, chores etc for the evening. At present that's meaning we both get a bit of time to ourselves.

[user1490465531]

I think being a SAHM is easier than going to work unless you have a disabled child.

[Wheresmrlion]

Surely it’s about supporting each other? Some days I have it rough and he has it easy and vice versa, it’s not a competition.

On my days at home I’ve usually had enough of our toddler when he gets in and he can’t wait to see toddler so it suits us both for him to take over childcare while I get some child free space to crack on with dinner. Then one does bath and bed while the other tidies downstairs so by the time toddler is asleep the house is relatively straight and we both get a few hours to relax.

[SoyDora]

I think being a SAHM is easier than going to work unless you have a disabled child

How can you make such a blanket statement? It depends on all sorts of things. It depends on the job, the number of children, the age of the children, the temperament of the child.
I’m a SAHM to a 5 year old and a 3 year old and am 35 weeks pregnant. It’s pretty easy at the moment, 5 year old is at school, 3 year old is pretty rational and amenable as 3 year olds go. Pregnancy has been so far fairly uncimplicated apart from 20 weeks of severe sickness. DH is pretty stressed and busy at work. Life easier for me.
When they were 19 months and newborn, and neither of them slept longer than 2 hours at a time at night, and the baby only slept when attached to my breast, and the 19 month old wasn’t old enough to understand why I couldn’t do everything with her that I did before, and she dropped her nap the day DD2 was born, and we had no family nearby, it was really fucking hard and DH would have been the first to admit he had it way easier.
Swings and roundabouts.