To think that some men actually work hard and need a break?

[howonearthdoyoucopewith3]

I see so many threads on here saying how useless DH are unless they appear through the door early, take over childcare etc, how they must be shirking and pretending to be at work etc. However, some men do actually have stressful jobs. Why should man (or women if roles are reversed and you have a SAHD and mum who works full time) come in after a full on stressful day and immediately be told he is fully in charge and has to deal with everything? Being at home all day is like doing 'work', but you are then basically saying a SAHM works all day so should get the night off, and the DH works out of the home all day and then should continue to 'work' at home too?

This probably seems really unfeminist or something but it does seem that on MN people seem to think that being at work all day is a treat/rest!

[Looneytune253]

Lol yes it might be hard being out at work all day BUT I’m sure no wife expects her dh to run around after her while she sits and puts her feet up? It’s called working together as a team until everything is done. Why should he sit and put his feet up while the wife is still running around doing chores whilst also watching the kids?

[DishranawaywiththeSpoon]

I know plenty of people who well in IT, of varying levels of importance and all of them have normal holidays

I don't think I've ever read on MN that a man should just come in from work and do all the housework and the woman just relax. Rd about sharing the evening work + childcare out so both parents have equal free time

Theres two options really: SAH parenting is not work in which case the man can do it when he gets in because it's not work.
Or it is work in which case the SAHP has been working all day so all evening chores and childcare should be shared out evenly as both parents have been working all day

If someone's job is so stressful and so tiring that they can't possibly care for their own DC when they get it from work I would question whether they should have been having DC in first place. Having DC is hard work and it does mean you have a lot less free time, if someone has no free time to give then they don't actually have time to have children. Both working parents and SAHP should share the load when both are there.

[SoyDora]

^ what TedAndLola said. I have worked for large companies with large IT departments. I have worked for small companies with small IT departments. I have worked in very busy, stressful envirobments. The IT staff have all been treated in exactly the same way as all other staff. Legally and respectfully.

[TedAndLola]

HellsGrandma It's not because he works in IT, it's because he works for a shit company. It really is his choice.

[HellsGrandma]

@soydora He gets the legal BUT he is in demand and so the legal is interrupted and this seems 'normal' within the business.

[HellsGrandma]

Also, he's really bloody unfit because of work, totally unfair.

[SoyDora]

Why does working in IT mean he doesn’t ever get days off/holidays?! I know a lot of people who work in IT and they’ve all had the legal amount of annual leave.

[festivellama]

Depends what you mean by 'work hard' to be fair.

If someone spends all day digging roads or emtying dustbins or clambering on rooftops or wrangling schoolkids or toiling in the fields, then they are knackered and do need a bit of a rest when they get in.

If they've been sitting at a computer or round a board table all day, then they can bloomin' well get stuck in to the chores right away.

[HellsGrandma]

My DP works in I.T. and this means that he works most of the bloody time. We can have zero holidays and zero days off except maybe a saturday or sunday here and there. I miss him, the fucking company have him, I don't give enough shits about money to think this is ok.

[thenewaveragebear1983]

Plus, I put my foot down about ‘leisure time’ and now I go out running for 2-3 hours a week every week. Funnily enough, even though when I started that we were agreed that he would do the same, he very rarely takes me up on the offer!

[thenewaveragebear1983]

My Dh works hard, very hard. I’m a sahm and I work hard too. It’s not the same ‘hard’ but it’s equivalent. Plus in two weeks at his Christmas do he’ll get rewarded with a nice bottle of whiskey and lots of back slapping and praise, whereas I get nothing!

[londonmummy1966]

The problem with equal leisure time is how you define leisure. When DC were small DH often worked abroad in the week. Although he mucked in when he was here he saw the weekend as his time as he'd been working all week without a break. I saw his uninterrupted evenings going to nice restaurants and bars with his colleagues - who were a lovely and fun crowd - as part of his leisure time whereas he saw it as work. He also volunteers to run stuff locally and doesn't seem to understand that that is his choice and therefore part of his leisure time.

[Feb2018mumma]

@SoyDora just read your statement and YES! Newborn and breastfeeding is way harder but know when I'm working part time and baby is in school I will have it easier and will do alot more round the house, whereas at the moment husband helps with house or nothing gets done!

[Feb2018mumma]

I get what you mean, it does seem like if you work you should love looking after kids straight away and if you stay home you need a break from it? I think finding a balance is really hard though and anyone who has found one please let me know!

[SoyDora]

I think being a SAHM is easier than going to work unless you have a disabled child

How can you make such a blanket statement? It depends on all sorts of things. It depends on the job, the number of children, the age of the children, the temperament of the child.
I’m a SAHM to a 5 year old and a 3 year old and am 35 weeks pregnant. It’s pretty easy at the moment, 5 year old is at school, 3 year old is pretty rational and amenable as 3 year olds go. Pregnancy has been so far fairly uncimplicated apart from 20 weeks of severe sickness. DH is pretty stressed and busy at work. Life easier for me.
When they were 19 months and newborn, and neither of them slept longer than 2 hours at a time at night, and the baby only slept when attached to my breast, and the 19 month old wasn’t old enough to understand why I couldn’t do everything with her that I did before, and she dropped her nap the day DD2 was born, and we had no family nearby, it was really fucking hard and DH would have been the first to admit he had it way easier.
Swings and roundabouts.

[Wheresmrlion]

Surely it’s about supporting each other? Some days I have it rough and he has it easy and vice versa, it’s not a competition.

On my days at home I’ve usually had enough of our toddler when he gets in and he can’t wait to see toddler so it suits us both for him to take over childcare while I get some child free space to crack on with dinner. Then one does bath and bed while the other tidies downstairs so by the time toddler is asleep the house is relatively straight and we both get a few hours to relax.

[user1490465531]

I think being a SAHM is easier than going to work unless you have a disabled child.

[Flev]

We have a 4 week old, so still adapting to life. Right now she is very clingy and wants almost constant cuddles gso yes, when my husband gets home I do hand him the baby straight away, so I can go to the toilet, stretch my arms and have a half hour rest. Then I take her back and he has a shower, half hour rest etc - and after that we are both "on" with dinner, chores etc for the evening. At present that's meaning we both get a bit of time to ourselves.

[TheFifthKey]

SnipSnip, same for me. I'm a full-time working single parent and somehow manage to do all the things after work that exDH was far too tired to do when he came home. Except now I'm relieved of the burden of having to wash, clean and cater for a grown man too.

I was amazed the first time I did the 2hr drive to my parent's house on my own that it was pretty easy and not stressful - exDH had always collapsed through the door and needed copious rest and thanks for the arduous ordeal of driving us all there (as I wasn't a driver at the time I never felt I could comment). I felt very conned when I realised it wasn't actually very hard and I even manage to do it on Friday nights after a full week's work without drama.

Working parents do need a rest but it doesn't have to come at the expense of someone else.

[dinosaurglitterrepublic]

There is no one size fits all answer to this. It depends on the job and it depends on the kids. It can also depend on the particular day. Generally though, both parents should pitch in when at home. I have been the one at work and the one at home, nothing has changed, we do everything together and share responsibilities. Although I think it helps that we have each had a turn at home and know how difficult something that seems so easy can be! Dealing with whining children all day can be mentally exhausting.

[SnipSnipMisterBurgess]

I was the SAHP parent to four for years. Ex used to stay at work until he was sure they were in their pjs and ready for daddy’s heroic bedtime stories of how he worked so hard.

Now the youngest is 5, ex left me four years ago, I’m a working single parent (with a part time nanny) and I am only delighted to come home to sit on the sofa, play, listen to spellings, eat dinner, and do all the bookend care at the start and end of the working day. Somehow I manage to have the occasional shower, put out the bins, wipe down the bathroom, and pick up Lego.

I look back now and think that the reason I found the baby/toddler years so draining was not because I was doing it all, but because I was doing it all in the company of someone who didn’t give enough of a fuck to help shoulder the load.

Two able adults should be capable of having a functioning family evening without resentment or chore-dodging.

I only wish I had been this enlightened years ago.

[howonearthdoyoucopewith3]

I think being at home is much easier than being at work, but that's because I have only had (and my husband still does) a job that is long hours, mentally challenging, difficult team to manage, politics... Compared to that being at home is a much nicer. It has its own challenges with a baby and 2 in school, but it's much preferable to doing a stressful job. I feel my DH has a much tougher deal than me. I am probably just lazy!

[SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers]

my dp is currently still out working, we are an hour ahead, he wont be home for at least 2 hours he was up and working by 8am, this is not an unusual day for him. The work is physical, stressful and dangerous he needs time to bath and unwind when he gets in, that half an hour for him separates work from home

[SweetheartNeckline]

Every SAHP I've ever met has done the absolute lion's share of cooking, cleaning etc. Most expect their partner to pitch in when they're at home but we've tended to agree that one of the best things about having time at home in the week is doing a lot of the boring stuff like the Tesco order or cleaning the loo to free up the weekends for fun.

I do think that after mat leave or a period at home it can be hard to readjust to both being at work; in those circumstances I really think it's usually women who end up with the raw end of the deal.

It's only been when we've had newborns (or someone ill) that I've literally handed everything to DH the moment he walks in so I could rest for half an hour. I'm not grateful to him especially, taking over was just the decent thing for him to do. Likewise when he's had a major project on at work, I've stepped up even more at home and "let" him chill more in the evening.

[LuluJakey1]

DH often works from 7.30/8.00am and gets home at 7.30/8pm or even later. He is a headteacher. He comes in really knackered. Some days he gets home by 6m and makes a big effort to be home by 5pm on a Friday.
He just needs some time when he gets in. If the children are up he will sit with them and talk to DS about nursery and play with DD or go up and read to DS- with a mug of tea. If they are asleep, he'll sit in the kitchen with a mug of tea and talk to me. After about half an hour he perks up and starts doing stuff- happy to do whatever needs doing in the house or with the children. After we've eaten he usually loads the dishwasher and I tidy up the kitchen. He quite likes ironing and will iron for an hour if there is lots of ironing- if he's had a tough day he says ironing is like creating order out of chaos and finds it soothing.
I do most of the housework and that's ok with me. I do think he works really hard and as long as he helps I am not bothered about him doing 50%.