To think that some men actually work hard and need a break?

[howonearthdoyoucopewith3]

I see so many threads on here saying how useless DH are unless they appear through the door early, take over childcare etc, how they must be shirking and pretending to be at work etc. However, some men do actually have stressful jobs. Why should man (or women if roles are reversed and you have a SAHD and mum who works full time) come in after a full on stressful day and immediately be told he is fully in charge and has to deal with everything? Being at home all day is like doing 'work', but you are then basically saying a SAHM works all day so should get the night off, and the DH works out of the home all day and then should continue to 'work' at home too?

This probably seems really unfeminist or something but it does seem that on MN people seem to think that being at work all day is a treat/rest!

I have never seen a thread where posters were advocating the WOHP must take on "everything" the minute they walk in the door

Bath the kids while SAHP cooks dinner, maybe. Clean the bog while SAHP hoovers, maybe. Shop on the way home so kids don't have to be dragged along, maybe.

There is a theme. Cooperation. Sharing the load equally. Not leaving all the shitwork to women which I do see examples of regularly on here.

Op is chatting bollocks.

howonearthdoyoucopewith3

Same way as for 4. Both parents pull their weight and the higher earner didn't pull rank on their tough working day.

I think this is a straw man argument as well, in that no-one has suggested the man take over everything. It is that being a sahp should be seen as equal work and so both parents muck in at home too. Of course there are exceptions and some do really have very stressful, long hours jobs and so families need to work out what is best for them. I think after International Mens Day it IS important for us to look at the pressure men feel and ask why, without writing them off automatically as lazy. Whether their job, their upbringing, etc, many have expectations that differ from reality and it causes more stress and pain than many show. Compassion both ways is needed.

My DH works long hours in very stressful job. He takes over with DS when he comes in because he wants to.

He took 6 weeks off when DS was born. When he returned to work we fell into traditional roles ie I did everything for DS as DH was tired. After a week or so DS was crying and DH couldn't soothe him. I took DS and he immediately stopped crying. DH was really upset because he didn't want to have that kind or relationship with his son. So now no matter how tired he is, he comes in and takes over and squeezes as much parenting into the short time he has with DS as is possible.

Well I work full time, I"ve two kids and no cleaner so they cannot be working that hard. I mean how much harder can you work than full time and all the housework and practical tasks.

LazyBonita sounds like we are in a similar situation.

At this time of year DH works 2 jobs. And this means he gets very little sleep, let alone any break. Working 6 days a week and admin at home for a bit on Sunday. I wouldn’t wish his workload on anyone. I work part time and the rest of my time I feel it’s important to make sure he gets as much rest and quality time with us. So i do pretty much everything around the house and his help slots in where he can.

Blimey here we go again. I really haven't seen many posts saying SAHMs should sit on their bums all evening while dads take over. Who could possibly say that's fair. But nor should WOH dads spend every evening and most of the weekend gaming, playing squash, going to the pub, chilling while the SAHM (particularly one with children not yet school age) does everything else housework and child rearing related. Meanwhile they are also up every night with the baby so have broken sleep. It just seems simple to me and is a matter of fairness. There are also differences in how much support a SAHM might need where some children are more demanding than others, there are several young children close in age, the woman is isolated and has little additional support.

I just want to know what all the admin is that SAHP has to do.

What @honeysucklejasmine said

If a person is single and works hard they come home and do what? Sit around every evening and weekend? No, they go food shopping, cook, put the laundry on, tidy up, pay bills, load the dishwasher etc.
Why would a man or woman come home from work and expect a partner who has been caring for children all day (perhaps with broken sleep) continue to do the stuff that he/she would have to do anyway if single? Why wouldn't a father or mother who hadn't seen their child feed them and do a bedtime routine some eves?

DH are slammed for not doing everything when they come home

I haven't seen any threads like that. I've seen plenty of threads where DH are (rightly) slammed for not doing anything when they come home.

While I think OP was a little naughty with her description, clearly exaggerating a little, the premise of the post is entirely accurate. Men do often get short shrift on MN, sometimes rightly and often wrongly, not that this is in any way surprising. The amount of times I read ‘LTB’ as some silly sod has left a light on, or something equally silly - for which it would appear too much porn is the primary cause

Personally I would much rather stay at home and care for my kids than go out to work all day - not to say that both aren’t stressful at times and some circumstances would result in it being preferable to be out the house. Generally however, and in the absence of any such circumstances, I would take being at home and managing my own time to best serve me and my family

Totally agree. I would love to know where these 'easy' jobs exist.

No, they go food shopping, cook, put the laundry on, tidy up, pay bills, load the dishwasher etc.
Why would a man or woman come home from work and expect a partner who has been caring for children all day (perhaps with broken sleep) continue to do the stuff that he/she would have to do anyway if single?

Because a certain quantity of those listed chores can easily be done around childcare within the house. On the other hand, all of the listed jobs are impossible to do while working in an office, with the possible exception of shopping which might possibly be done pre/mid/post-commute.

To look at it another way, why would anyone WANT a partner and/or kids if it did nothing to make their life any easier? Isn't it a bit disingenuous to say of the person working "You should continue to do everything you would be doing if you were single" while the person who is staying at home looking after the children is flagrantly NOT doing so themselves? Because obviously if they were single, there would be no kids in the first place, and therefore they would be out working in a job somewhere themselves. Likewise, if person A and person B share a house, can't both of them say "You should be the one to do X, because that's what you'd do if I wasn't around anyway"?

Yes, childcare and broken sleep sucks, no two ways about it. But to suggest that it's completely impossible for a SAHP to (for example) pay bills at any point during the time period when their DP is working 9-5 or longer, plus commute, and that working DP should be doing that instead of them "because that's what they'd be doing if they were single" is pretty ludicrous. Likewise, if the SAHP is going to take the baby out in the pram at lunchtime (or the toddler to the park, or whatever) then isn't it entirely reasonable to ask them to put a little bit of shopping in the pram in passing, rather than expecting the DP to try to navigate driving to a supermarket and parking in the middle of rush hour at 5.30pm?

This "what if you were single" doesn't fly. Not for a second. Sharing a house is supposed to make your life easier and better. Not harder.

Threads where posters are advised to 'hand him the baby' only happen when the OP is posting because they're at the end of their tether ime. There's already an equality in work load and it's a way of making a point to hand everything over when the DH walks in the door, not general lifestyle advice. It's no good for anyone for one parent to be disengaged enough to not pitch in when they get home to get DC sorted, what kind of relationship is that building between the WOH parent and DC for starters? Just because you have a job doesn't mean you shouldn't participate in family life or be a team with your partner when you get home.

I've been in both situations - the only worker when my partner was made redundant and stayed home with a child and also been the one who stayed home with a child. It is not that one expects to "clock off". It is purely that the one who has been out of the house can take a turn at doing the "whole day" stuff that the other has dealt with - all day.

When you see the 'just hand him the baby posts' I don't think anyone is saying that mum should then bugger off for the rest of the evening. It's usually so a mum of a young baby can just have a bath or whatever before getting back to it.DH works 8am-4pm, he does no night feeds and sleeps in the spare room as DD(14weeks) is a pretty loud sleeper so yes when he gets in and he's had a chance to settle and get a drink he has baby for 10 mins so I can just have a bit of a break. It makes me a better parent so I can step away and come back ready for the evening and night shift. He will probably cook 30% of the time (usually if it involves heating up), always clears up post dinner and sometimes helps put washing away. He's hardly worked to the bone. Unfortunately your post smacks of a put up and shut up approach where the sahp provides wrap around childcare without question or a break whilst the working parent comes in and has a nice little rest. No wonder women used to slowly poison their husbands!

Being at home all day is like doing 'work', but you are then basically saying a SAHM works all day so should get the night off, and the DH works out of the home all day and then should continue to 'work' at home too?

Nobody has ever said that.

I’ve been a SAHM. I’m now a WOHM.

There’s no difference for us in the evening - the general rule is that no one sits down until we can both sit down.

If one of us is exhausted, ill, travelling or needs some time for something in particular then the other takes up the slack for a bit.

It’s not rocket science, it’s not complicated, it’s just being a good parent and a good spouse.

blackcat sorry that sounds like a shit deal. You do all night and morning with the baby and then all day. Your oh works 8 till 4 and "gives" you ten minutes when he gets home?
I'd expect all hands on deck when he gets home. I wouldn't expect him to take over while you swan off but no parent gets to clock off at 4pm

i work shorter hours than DP but my job is infinitely more stressful than his, my commute longer, the stakes (and pay) higher.
I pick the kids up 4 days a week. I am buggared if I'm cooking dinner every night too... we have a cleaner, but do a whizz around at weekend (all of us) he probably cooks more than I do as he's better at it.
We're a team, we play to our strengths, it's not a competition.

I see it from both sides. I work part time and on my non-working days I am very ready to hand over to my husband when he comes back. But, I tend to be trying to do work as well so even my non-working days will usually comprise 2-3 hours of work. My stress comes from juggling work and children and feeling like I’m doing both sides badly. The mental stress is quite different between work and home bit it is there in both scenarios at times. My toddler can be very trying but so can the people I work with...

If I had school age kids I’d be expecting to do the vast majority of chores in that time, prep dinner but also go to the gym etc. I think my non-working days would be fabulous to be honest. Sadly by then, I suspect I’ll be back at full time.

I agree OP. I can't get over women who never go back to work after having children.They are stay at home mums throughout secondary school , university, adult children. Or the ones that only ever go back to part time roles. Until both parents work, there will never be equality with regard to parenting.
Lots of research to show that many men hate having to be the main or sole breadwinner and wish that they had the flexibility to spend more time with their children.
One of the problems with MN is that most of the stories on here are anecdotal. ' My cousin's friend's best mate' type of thing. You only ever read one side of a moan. It is dangerous to believe everything you read on here.

I think it's important to remember both parents have had a long day, and may be tired. I don't expect my husband to take over, but I do expect him to be present. If the baby is crying and the kids are fighting and I am getting dinner, I expect him to step in and deal with it. He always helps with the dinner, bath and bed routine, and he knows the more he helps the more I get done before I clock off. I do a few jobs once the kids are in bed, but limit it as I deserve a break too and he benefits from a tidy house and packed lunch.

Mrsmuddle I will probably be one of those women who only ever work part time. I know my husband would love to have the pressure taken off him financially and have more time with the kids, but I also want to spend time with my kids, and that won't happen if I work full time and spend all my free time cooking and cleaning. I think there is Merritt to the stories you hear.

My DH has medical conditions that means he can’t work but doesn’t stop him doing committee work for the various charitable groups he’s with. Puts more effort into that than doing housework. I work a very stressful and hard job, doing shifts. Only time he shifts his lazy arse is when I tell him I will not live with a lazy man. Bucks up a bit but never lasts long. If he was paid for sitting on his arse watching TV, we would be minted. Rant over, time to get the whip out 😈