I need a cast-iron excuse to duck out of our works Xmas dinner..

[Getmeoutahere5]

Aibu? Maybe. We are a small workforce of 16. One of the 16 has been extremely abusive to me in the past & management did nothing about it as the abuse happened outside work. (he asked me out, I said no, he got violent). He's moving on to another role somewhere else in the new year, so I'll have a fresh start then. I can just about tolerate our work time but I really can't be arsed with the works xmas dinner/party this year. For the record, it'll take place on a Sunday after we close our office at midday. So I need a cast-iron believable excuse as to why I can't be there. We all know each other so well, the 'I'm off on holiday/my dm's sick/helping a friend move house' etc isn't going to cut it. It's quite a big deal our xmas dinner, we all sit around table together & are handed awards for the years work, I've never known anyone bunk it before. I just really don't want to do it.

Has anyone got a good excuses that won't cause me to trip up in the new year? The whole office know that I'm single & have no family.

Op you’ve been told by the police to stay away from him... a social situation is too similar to out of work for you to risk a reoccurrence. Good luck

Tell the truth. It might be hard to say but you shouldn't feel that you have to hide behind a lie. He was abusive to you and they did nothing - that's on them, not you

If you don’t want to make a fuss (and I think you should) just phone in sick on the day. ‘Sorry, I’m not coming in today, I’m not well’ put the phone down before manager can ask any questions. Switch your phone off and ignore any emails.

I think working with him is bad enough, but being around him in a relaxed social setting outside work when he will be drinking and celebrating leaving is too much.

Tell the truth. It's appalling that they expect you to attend.

Explain that you will not be going because work failed to protect you before, he will be drinking and as he is leaving he may decide to go out in a blaze of glory. Alternatively they could always uninvite him.

What annoys me is that in a fair world you would be protected but here in the real world you will get at best an eye roll and worst be actively bullied into attending. Life in the patriarchy.

Don't go into work on that day, ring in with food poisoning from the night before

There’s a world of difference between working in an office, in a sober environment with workplace norms and mores
And being at a social event, where drink may be taken and the social norms are different.
You already know this.
Behavior that would be picked up on as inappropriate instantly in an office becomes ambiguous in a social setting.
You would be at risk.

Don’t confuse consenting to work in an office with him as consenting to share any other environment.

Tell the truth. It will make a very powerful statement. I think you owe it to yourself to speak your truth. Why should some arsehole and a stupid manager make you compromise your integrity and lie? You’ve done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Speak your truth.

Just read my post. I don’t mean that it’s ok that you have to work with him, it’s absolutely shit that you have to. Not ok at all.
I just meant don’t think that if you agreed to one thing you can’t say no to the party. Sorry if that was unclear.

I wouldn’t fake sickness, that’s going to get you hauled up on a disciplinary.

Best to tell the truth- it is not safe for you to be in a social setting with someone who has been violent towards you, particularly when alcohol is involved. As it’s in work time, offer to work at home or make up the hours beforehand ( I wouldn’t recommend suggesting that you stay alone to work in the office in case your attacker comes in when nobody else is there).

Another one saying talk to your manager and mention the police advice not to have any contact with him beyond the strictly professional.

It's not so much that I feel the situation is unsafe at the dinner, just that I don't want to be there. But we're such a small group my absence will be noted. I'm having a 2nd think now about speaking truthfully to my manager. I was put off the idea before because absolutely no action was taken when I reported what had happened & the police involvement. I felt they handled the situation appallingly & other colleagues I've spoken to in other organisations have been at it. My manager actually said I was naive to put myself in that situation Naive I might have been but NOTHING is an excuse for abuse in my book. We'd (me & hated colleague) had drinks & food once or twice after work to unwind before the incident happened. He has anger issues.

Well there you go - having been told once that you were naive, and knowing what you know now about precisely how aggressive he is and how little protection management will offer, you cannot risk placing yourself in that position again.

I would say you won't be there as the police and your lawyer have advised against anything that could construed in court as choosing to be in his company, which is why you tollerate working with him but won't be attending do. Which, to be fair, is fairly truthful as if anything did happen again, police and the court would be asking you why you chose to put yourself in that position.

I second saying that you have been advised to avoid being in a social situation with that man and alcohol. They will assume by the police.

Yes, totally agree. If anyone asks why you aren't going, give them an incredulous look and ask them if they're taking the fucking piss.

@Inertia

I wouldn’t fake sickness, that’s going to get you hauled up on a disciplinary.

It won't though because the works 'do' is not in works time.

@getmeoutahere5

I would absolutely go with ringing up the person organising it on the morning of the event, and saying 'I can't come I have a tummy bug. Spent half the night on the loo sorry. Have a nice Christmas and tell everyone I hope they enjoy the party.'

I did this a couple of times for works Christmas parties. Nothing awful happened to me (like the OP,) but I disliked my supervisor (she was a bully and picked on me quite often for nothing, and I always felt like she hated me,) and I also disliked my manager as he was an arsehole. He loved embarrassing people, he tried to make people look stupid, he was two faced and slagged people off behind their back, and he was a massive sycophant who could not do any wrong in the eyes of the area manager.

So I thought 'I'll be fucked if I will go to a Christmas meal with these people who are arseholes, and 'make merry' with them. So I said I was sick 2 years on the trot, (it wasn't in work's time on either one, it was on a Friday evening, and a Saturday afternoon...) And on the 3rd year, it was a work day, so I booked the day off and said I had a Christening. A few months after that, I left...

I have to say, if I were you OP, I would think about looking for another job as it sounds like a shit place to work! (Like the place I was at, where the bullying supervisor, and the arsehole of a manager, picked on people and never got called out on it, as they sucked up to higher management.)

As it’s a social do, non-compulsory anyway but would look odd if you were absent without reason, I’d definitely just pull the D&V sickie.

Your work sound like they handled it badly the first time, your colleague is a dick, you don’t want any drama attached to not going that carries over once he’s gone, so the pragmatic option on this specific occasion is to keep up appearances but then unavoidably be unable to attend I.e. sickie.

No guilt, I wouldn’t want to bother making an issue out of it if he’s going anyway.

I wouldn’t fake sickness, that’s going to get you hauled up on a disciplinary.

It won't though because the works 'do' is not in works time.

Yes it is.

To expand my earlier comment , have a quiet word with your boss. Just say, "In view of previous events, I would be naive to put myself in a position with him again where alcohol will be involved so I trust you won't object if I don't come." And just go home without fuss when the workplaces closes up on the day.

If any colleagues ask, just say something came up. You don't have to go into detail.

Ultimately, "never apologise, never explain".

Actually, do your other colleagues know what happened?

I'd go for brutal honesty.

"As advised by the police, I will not be going to any event outside work due to presence of this colleague especially when booze will be involved. I was not happy with the way it was handled at work od the blame attributed to me. I will not be going and i will not be discussing it further."

What about saying that you are already anxious enough being forced to continue to work with the colleague (dickhead), and knowing how he has behaved when he has consumed alcohol, etc is simply too much for you and you will not be attending.

@Tali said it better!

Changed my mind.

Brutal honesty is fine.

although frankly, I'd be looking for another job as management is shit there

I used to just say I don't want to go, if anyone asked why I said that I spent all day with them and I wanted to spend me free time with my family.
Or tell the truth, you don't feel safe.

My manager actually said I was naive to put myself in that situation

Then your manager has to understand that you’re not going to be so naive as to put yourself in a similar situation ever again. Remind him of what he said and then use his words as your get-out.

By the way, what he said was outrageous, but I think you can use it to your advantage.

You should speak to your manager in advance and tell the truth. This may have happened to others. I would have reported to the police, colleague or not thought.