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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need a cast-iron excuse to duck out of our works Xmas dinner..

142 replies

Getmeoutahere5 · 20/11/2018 17:54

Aibu? Maybe. We are a small workforce of 16. One of the 16 has been extremely abusive to me in the past & management did nothing about it as the abuse happened outside work. (he asked me out, I said no, he got violent). He's moving on to another role somewhere else in the new year, so I'll have a fresh start then. I can just about tolerate our work time but I really can't be arsed with the works xmas dinner/party this year. For the record, it'll take place on a Sunday after we close our office at midday. So I need a cast-iron believable excuse as to why I can't be there. We all know each other so well, the 'I'm off on holiday/my dm's sick/helping a friend move house' etc isn't going to cut it. It's quite a big deal our xmas dinner, we all sit around table together & are handed awards for the years work, I've never known anyone bunk it before. I just really don't want to do it.

Has anyone got a good excuses that won't cause me to trip up in the new year? The whole office know that I'm single & have no family.

OP posts:
theworldistoosmall · 20/11/2018 18:33

You are joking aren’t you? Why would I want to sit at a meal with a guy who abused me?

I have declined many work events. When asked why I am always truthful. No point in making up stuff

I also hope you went to the police. He’s lucky he’s still got a job tbh

Gitfeatures · 20/11/2018 18:33

You have a cast iron excuse - use it.

PottyPotterer · 20/11/2018 18:33

It happens in work time? In that case I'd just feign a migraine and say you need to go home or be honest and say you're uncomfortable and need to leave. Don't suppose you could book annual leave that day?

theworldistoosmall · 20/11/2018 18:34

In work time?
I would still decline and I would be very vocal about it. If he is there I will be leaving early

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/11/2018 18:35

Tell the truth - that this man is someone you absolutely do not wish to socialise with because of his violence towards you - you won't be able to relax enjoy it and will not feel safe

The key here is that management already know about the violence, so go with an excuse if you must but personally I'd use the above ^^

If pressed, simply repeat calmly that you wouldn't feel safe, or even use the suggestion about having "taken advice". They'll think you mean from the police or a lawyer, but that's their problem ...

Ohyesiam · 20/11/2018 18:36

Op , you’re not in need of an excuse, as you have a cast iron reason.
It’s not safe for you to go, you’ve received no support from them
In the past so can’t rely on it now. So of course you can’t go.

Really sorry you’ve had to go through all thisFlowers

Thebluedog · 20/11/2018 18:36

I would decline and tell them reason why, but I’d also offer to work the afternoon as you won’t be attending. You don’t want the ‘well you can’t just have the time off instead of not going to the party’ shoved in your face.

Flashingbeacon · 20/11/2018 18:37

I second saying that you have been advised to avoid being in a social situation with that man and alcohol. They will assume by the police.

ForalltheSaints · 20/11/2018 18:38

You should go to the Police. There will not be a decision on prosecution by then, but your attendance could compromise the investigation, you could argue.

The excuse that it is outside work cuts no mustard with me for management inaction.

BewareOfDragons · 20/11/2018 18:38

I agree with declining and telling them the truth.

I wouldn't socialise with someone who violently attacked me either.

Oldraver · 20/11/2018 18:38

Yes I would be going with the 'tell the truth brigade'

I cannot socialise with someone who has been violent to me

PurpleWithRed · 20/11/2018 18:38

"I am sure you will understand that I won't be at the Xmas party because I don't want to pretend to enjoy socialising with someone who has been violent towards me"

HollowTalk · 20/11/2018 18:38

Given it's such a small company, does everyone know what happened? It sounds very scary.

WomanAndProud · 20/11/2018 18:39

Police advised me not to have any interaction with Violent Colleague outside of the actual office.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/11/2018 18:40

Yes the party happens in work time

In that case offer to make up the hours another time

But your safety can't be compromised by what they "want you to do" and they could be on a major loser by suggesting it should be

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/11/2018 18:40

You don't want to. That's reason enough. You don't want to. Repeat as necessary.

You don't want to.

I've never been to a work Christmas 'do' in my life. They're my idea of hell.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 20/11/2018 18:40

Yes the party happens in work time.

Ah. That's a bugger. More obligation to go.

So I would be telling the truth.

Dollymixture22 · 20/11/2018 18:41

I’m another who votes for telling the truth. Tell your manager exactly why you won’t go - tell everyone else you are taking a year off and will be there next year. If pressed say it’s just not for me this year

rosamacrose · 20/11/2018 18:47

It's great pity you didn't get the support you deserved.
If you had, then he would be the one not going to the Christmas dinner.

WontonSoupForTheSoul · 20/11/2018 18:47

Sorry this happened, and it’s absolutely disgusting that your company did not deal with it. They’re wrong in saying they’re absolved because it was outside of working hours. They have a duty of care towards you, and it’s ludicrous that they’ve even suggested this party.

I’d tell management straight out that you’re still very upset at what happened, and do not want to be in proximity of this person, especially in a scenario where alcohol is involved.

Women do not have to suffer sexual harassment in silence just so management can have a pleasant dinner.

I’m so cross on your behalf.

zighazigha · 20/11/2018 18:51

Total bollocks that they couldn't do anything about this because it happened outside of work. My friend was being abused by a man she worked with who she was also in a relationship with. When she left him the abuse escalated and she went to the police and he was arrested and cautioned. Work sacked him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/11/2018 18:51

Tell the truth - that this man is someone you absolutely do not wish to socialise with because of his violence towards you - you won't be able to relax enjoy it and will not feel safe.

Absolutely this ^

Errol is spot on. It may even make them think twice about letting anyone else be subjected to this sort of abuse.

Did you report him to the police? If so - what came of it?

missperegrinespeculiar · 20/11/2018 18:52

yes, tell the truth, otherwise the violence becomes normalised, you'd be colluding in their pretence that all is well, they treated you appallingly, disgraceful management

Nyon · 20/11/2018 18:54

While I do agree that you should be honest the fact that the party is during your working hours might make your fucking useless bosses make you go anyway. I think developing a migraine would be an excellent plan and force you to stay home (and safe! God it's shit that I just typed that, but encouraging you to go and then kneeing him where it would hurt would get you in trouble).

Knittedfairies · 20/11/2018 18:55

You don’t need an excuse not to go; you have a reason. Why should you socialise with an abuser and a manager who wouldn’t protect you from him?