I need a cast-iron excuse to duck out of our works Xmas dinner..

[Getmeoutahere5]

Aibu? Maybe. We are a small workforce of 16. One of the 16 has been extremely abusive to me in the past & management did nothing about it as the abuse happened outside work. (he asked me out, I said no, he got violent). He's moving on to another role somewhere else in the new year, so I'll have a fresh start then. I can just about tolerate our work time but I really can't be arsed with the works xmas dinner/party this year. For the record, it'll take place on a Sunday after we close our office at midday. So I need a cast-iron believable excuse as to why I can't be there. We all know each other so well, the 'I'm off on holiday/my dm's sick/helping a friend move house' etc isn't going to cut it. It's quite a big deal our xmas dinner, we all sit around table together & are handed awards for the years work, I've never known anyone bunk it before. I just really don't want to do it.

Has anyone got a good excuses that won't cause me to trip up in the new year? The whole office know that I'm single & have no family.

Tell the truth. You don’t want to go because your abuser will be there. If management don’t like it tell them that you will only attend if the abuser is banned from it.

They sound like a terrible company to work for. I can’t believe that they didn’t sack a male employee who attacked a female co-worker. For most people that would mean instant dismissal for gross misconduct.

Cry off sick for the entire day.

Please tell the truth. Maybe they think it is all forgotten and forgiven. It's not. He was completely out of line and they were too for not doing anything about it.

Please also remember that you don't need to justify yourself here. If you tell the truth and they're foolish enough to start on "what do you think he's going to do?", "he's not going to attack you in front of everyone is he?" and similar, you don't have to answer that at all

If really pressed, why not actually call the police for advice? They will of course recommend that you don't go, and then you'll be telling the truth about that too ... especially if you offer them the name of the PC you spoke to and suggest they call themselves for confirmation of what you've said

Unfortunately, if it's in work time you only really have two options. 1: tell the truth of why you don't want to go, or 2: ring in sick/fake illness in the morning so you have to go home. Your choice as to which you are more comfortable with.

Absolutely do not make some silly childish excuse like an elderly neighbor, cat sitting etc. You need to tell your manager that unfortunately you will not be attending an event outside of work where alcohol is served (I presume) because of this individual who attacked you. Because your employer cannot guarantee your safety then you aren’t going to put yourself in a possibility unsafe situation. Stay firm.

The event between me & this man happened months ago & I've had the 'pleasure' of working in an open-plan office with him ever since. I felt bad about the xmas dinner because I felt I couldn't say 'I don't want to be near him for the xmas dinner' when I'm around him all day every day anyway. It's been a difficult time for me I'm looking forward to a fresh start next year.

I notice you said "another role elsewhere", not "another job". Does this mean that he is in some way still part of a larger organisation of which your workforce is a small sub-section? Is management doing a "sideways move" rather in the manner in which abusive priests and teachers were shunted around (shamefully) in the past?
If that is the case, I would be doubly determined to give management my real reasons, hinting that you are doing so on police advice if necessary. They already know the facts, and need to be held to account for their negligence of your welfare.
They let you down badly; don't condone shunting him on scot free, with the same abusive attitude to possibly inflict himself on some other poor woman.
You might even let management know that you feel they should be obliged to pass a warning on if he is remaining in the organisation, at a risk, for them, of comeback for negligence.
I know with child abuse cases, the legal term is "charged with knowledge" - in other words, you are legally in the wrong if you hush things up.
But none of this is your problem. He'll be out of your life, and congratulations for that. Here's to a better New Year!

For those who asked again did I report it to the police? Yes I did & they gave him a talking-to. It was left at that. The police told me what happened was 'below' the threshold to take action but that I should keep away from him in future.

He didn't hit me, it was extreme verbal abuse.

I feel annoyed on your behalf that management did nothing about his abusive behaviour even though it was out of work hours.

Say you are travelling up north or down south to relatives at Christmas. Or something like that. Or be off sick.

Yes the party happens in work time.
Ah. That's a bugger. More obligation to go.
So I would be telling the truth.

This ^

Does the party involve alcohol?

Also I'm presuming at work you don't sit next to him?

Both of those change the situation somewhat IMO.

But they gave you no other option but to work in the same area as this man, I assume you were afraid of losing your job if you made more of a fuss about being forced to work side-by-side with him after what happened? I do agree with others that management need to understand that his and their behaviour had an effect on you and that you have not forgotten about it and will not be subject to it in a forced social environment, so I would also tell the truth if I were you, and offer to make up the time as it is in working hours - or take an afternoon of unpaid leave, if you have to.
I'm so cross on your behalf.

“I can’t socialise with someone who has been violent towards me, count me out this year”.

I mean change it from your day to day.

Working with someone/ tolerating them in a work environment is very different to socialising with someone.

A man I worked with tried to sexually assault me, I never spoke to or looked at him again. Luckily there were about 70 people in our open plan office. But that was bad enough. I certainly wouldn't have gone to a small party where he would have been.

Dear God I can’t believe they’ve invited him! Absolutely no reason for you to lie or feel bad about not going - I’m angry for you that the situation was dealt with so badly and that they are suggesting you should go to the work so if he’s going!

I wish it wasn't so but because of what happened last year I don't think I can cope with the Christmas Party - it brings up unpleasant memories OR its Sunday & I promised my mum/grandma/auntie I would take them to Church ORI need to pick up auntie/uncle/XX from the airport & take them to (whoever) OR I have got to watch (name relative/friend)'s children at their nativity (suitable facial expression) seriously just say the bad memories come to the surface & they make you feel unhappy/unwell & apologise (hopefully boss will immediately tell you that its fine don't worry) donate some food or bottle for the party to show your support for your fellow workers

Tell the truth OP. They're aware of what the benk did to you, so have no right to complain.

If it was me, I'd be going...I'd want to send the Fucksock off, and celebrate afterwards that I wouldn't have to see his face again! That's just ME though.

Work is different because you have no choice (they didn’t give you one). The dinner is a different environment, involves alcohol, more chance he could get you on your own etc. So they can’t try that argument on you.

Getmeout my option below isn't so off the mark. Would the police recommend you socialise with him when alcohol was involved? I doubt it!

This was it: Police advised me not to have any interaction with Violent Colleague outside of the actual office.

I felt bad about the xmas dinner because I felt I couldn't say 'I don't want to be near him for the xmas dinner' when I'm around him all day every day anyway

I absolutely empathise with how difficult the past months must have been, but you really do need to avoid sounding apologetic about this. What this abuser does in the office could be very different to how he'd behave elsewhere after drinking ... and was

I really would advise the "taken advice" route, and FWIW I've done it myself. In my own case the offender tried to involve all sorts of influential folk, crying about how "unfair" it all was, but believe me they all backed off instantly when told there'd been police involvement

Personally, I'd go with the truth, you don't want to socialise with someone who was abusive towards you, but if you feel you can't do that, then throw a sickie on the day... Sod them, they've brought it on themselves by not handling what he did appropriately.

For those saying that if it’s during work time, you have to go- that’s not the case. No more than you’d be expected to jump up and down on a rickety ladder during working hours.

If you have a valid reason to believe a situation is unsafe for you, you can decline to do it. You should, however, make it clear that you’re available to work that afternoon if they want to assign additional duties, or take a half day and do something nice with your afternoon.

Just decline.

No, I'm not able to go.

Why?

No, I'm not able to be there.

Why?

I don't need to explain -it's a personal reason.

Why..............? or really pushed?

If you are pushed on it say to your manager 'X asked me out, I said no, he was very abusive' I don't want to be at any social events with X. Verbal abuse is an assault -I don't want to socialise with someone who assaulted me.'

I don't want to have any more / further conversation about the matter. I've made my decision -could you be respectful of it.