To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

whilst I do try not to judge formula feeding mums, I do a little bit, because all their reasons actually boil down to "didn't want to, seemed like hard work".

WTAF? Seriously, not even vaguely true.

When my twins were born one of them was very sick and I was told he wouldn’t be able to tolerate formula and I expressed then pumped every two hours despite a traumatic emcs and cellulitis.

Then for medical reasons he had to be put on formula. I was absolutely distraught. His team gradually found a combination of ebm, formula and additional things that would keep him well but my supply was low - I was pumping every two hours and barely had enough for what he needed, his twin ended up on mainly formula. I kept this up for 7 months - do you know how much work is involved with pumping, bottle feeding twins, then making up formula and sterilising everything? Being able to just latch them on would have been far easier. This laziness bullshit is ridiculous.

In my experience, the vast majority who stop BF blame problems they didn’t have - or that could have been solved with support that they didn’t seek out. So, yeah, forgive me if I inwardly roll my eyes while they tell me “they really, really wanted to BF but XYZ happened” especially when I ask them what support they sought or other options they tried.*

What utter bullshit. How do you know what problems people did or didn’t have and how they tried to resolve them? Do you know that in many counties there is now zero NHS breastfeeding support available?

Yeah, no judgement of ff mothers whatsoever 🙄

Surely judgement should be reserved for parents who don't feed, care or provide for their children rather then whether the milk was bought at the supermarket or not.

I FF, never planned to do anything else. I made an informed choice just like I did about vaccinations, weaning etc. I never felt bad for FF and wouldn't have been friends with anybody that tried to make me feel sub par.

Four cornered circle really needs to calm down a bit.

Some judgment on here? Many women who have to stop BFing altogether or use some formula don't have a choice.

My baby had to be tube fed formula in SCBU. She had hypernatraemic dehydration because my milk didn't come in. It didn't arrive for eight weeks. She would have died without formula. I did all the right things - including cluster feeding straight for 12 hours at a time, hours of skin to skin, fed within minutes of birth. I still got nasty judgypants behaviour at the BFing group as the other women believed formula was for those that weren't prepared to try hard enough.

That sort of pressure made me force myself to continue BF even though I loathed it. It really messed up bonding with my DD and most of my maternity leave was miserable because of it.

It's the attitudes expressed above that really damage women's mental health.

I’m going to post one final time.

I do not judge FF mothers for making choices that suit their circumstances -eg OP having CFS, PP who had no/low supply, those who develop serious aversions or even those who just say “nah, not for me”

I do judge those who use lies to justify their reasoning as they are perpetuating a culture where BF is seen as something that most women struggle with, that most women fail at and that F is equal to breast milk. It isn’t, it’s a good (and often life saving replacement). But, breast is still best.

I had the v real problem of not enough milk so in spite of 24 hr feeding my dd's weight dropped to 4lb..... I'm not sure how I should've fixed this as all advice from midwives was "just keep feeding" as was the paediatrician.....

Queenofmyofprinces so women in hospital who ff don't deserve to be fed? Well, that's just lovely.

Fourcornercircle many people do have real problems that stop them breastfeeding and it can be very difficult for some

Breast milk may be best, no one is arguing that.

Breast feeding however, is NOT always the best option for MANY reasons. Not all of which you may have encountered and sailed through with sheer determination because you chose not to accept any alternative.

I was determined second time around too and thankfully it worked out for me but I do not dismiss the issues other people have had as "lazy" or "lies".

I see the nestle staff are working hard.

I was wondering about this. Every so often MN does seem to have threads popping up simultaneously about ff/bf. I’ve seen two in the last few days along the lines of ‘I’ve heard that ff babies sleep better’. So much if the info circulating about bf and ff is complete bullshit. I honestly can’t believe that in the U.K., a primarily bottle feeding culture, there are tons of mothers ‘shamed’ constantly for feeding how most feed. I also find it hard to believe that there are tons of breastfeeding mums shamed in public as in my experience no one notices or gives a toss if you are breastfeeding. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen, but I think it’s actually a very rare occurrence.

So anybody who said they struggled and thus gave up is lying. okaaaay

Queenofmyofprinces so women in hospital who ff don't deserve to be fed? Well, that's just lovely.

The hospital should only be obliged to feed the patient, so obviously all Mums on the postnatal ward will be fed regardless of how they are feeding thier babies because they are patients. When my DS1 was in hospital the hospital provided his formula because he was thier patient but I was not fed. BF mums on the same ward were given meals in order for them to feed the patient. It's not a case of being 'deserving', our NHS is stretched as it is, it can't afford to feed visitors too.

As for those saying formula reduced infant mortality rates, have a read about what happens in developing countries when formula companies are given free reign to do as they please. Google the nestle scandal or even better read The politics of breastfeeding by Gabrielle Palmer.

OP my DH also worked long hours and even had to work away occasionally, he still bonded with our DS without him having to hold a baby to my tit

so women in hospital who ff don't deserve to be fed? Well, that's just lovely

The women in question aren't patients. The babies are.

A breastfeeding baby and mother are rightly treated as a "dyad" ie basically one organism in two bodies. When an exclusively breastfed baby is admitted as an inpatient the mother is fed because she is providing all the infant's nutrition. There is no similar need to feed a formula-fed baby's mother.

When women are themselves the patients, as in a maternity or postnatal ward, they are all fed.

Generally, a person who isn’t a patient in the hospital doesn’t get food provided. The NHS doesn’t have unlimited funds.
However a breastfeeding mother is also providing the baby (the patient) 100% of it’s nutrition. This is why they are fed. It’s simple really.

Ok so the point that was being made is that if the baby is the patient and the mother is not unwell she will only receive hospital food if she breastfeeds?

Ok so the point that was being made is that if the baby is the patient and the mother is not unwell she will only receive hospital food if she breastfeeds?

Yes, because she is providing the nutrition to the patient.

Not really. I’ve been in with newborns in SCBU after a C/S, a critically ill toddler and school age children. Bar scbu and the critically ill toddler I did most of the care. I was incredibly upset and re the newborn not long out of theatre although discharged. All my children wanted was me. Babies like being fed by their mother regardless of the food.The wards were too stretched to even have a nurse help my older dc to the toilet or get water when needed . A crappy hospital meal for a parent who is highly distressed and probably saving the NHS in cost of care isn’t a big ask it’s prudent and common decency.

That’s an entirely separate issue though F1annelsheets. The question was why are breastfeeding mothers given food and formula feeding mothers not. The answer is because breastfeeding mothers are providing 100% of the patient’s nutrition while the patient is in hospital.

And it’s wrong.

Where does it end though? If they feed the Mums then what about the Dads? What about the older DC? Visiting Grandparents? What about visitors of critically ill patients elsewhere in the hospital?

Of corse it’s not wrong, don’t be overly dramatic. Bf mums burn 500 calories a day just producing milk, they’ve got to eat regularly or their milk (the babies only source of nutrition if ebf) dries up. It’s like taking a ff bay into hospital and not feeding them. It’s very simple and not preferential in the slightest.

I got a lot of funny looks about a lot of things as soon as I had a baby. I think people just like to raise eyebrows at other people’s choices, unless they reinforce their own!

I did Bf and I definitely didn’t get support from random strangers, if anything people gave me odd looks when I breastfed her, especially as she got older. But maybe it was also partly my imagination because I was so unsure of myself and my own choices.

FWIW I think you showed insight into yourself and were sensible in choosing to formula feed because of your chronic fatigue and because you were worried about PND.

I did bf and I naively thought it would come naturally and it was bloody hard and I did get PND. And I also have chronic fatigue and I had to ring my mum to get her to pick me up so I could stay with her for two weeks, so my DH didn’t see us as he had to stay at home. My DD is very highly strung cf my calm DS, with whom BF came easily and I do sometimes wonder how much of her propensity to get stressed comes from those early weeks when I was feeling tired, depressed and like she’d be better off with another mum.

So yes, BF is really hard hence the support but you made the right choice for you and your baby and I think that does deserve congratulations

Don’t accuse me of being dramatic thanks. When you’ve been traumatised over a severely ill, baby, toddler or child who wants and needs you there all time being hungry all the time doesn’t help. Recovering from a major op isn’t good on an empty stomach combined with stress either. When your child is blue lighted into hospital you don’t always remember to pack a bag with food and money anyway.

And why do you need to feed extra mouths. The parent who is with the child is just fine.

And talking of drama.BFing mums of non critical babies and toddlers are more than capable of trotting down to the canteen the same as fling mums post feed if it’s such a breeze.

Giving food to an upset ffing mum doesn’t take anything away from bf babies, it’s common decency and frankly shite that it isn’t common policy. The least they could do is bring food round with everybody else’s and ask for a contribution. Expecting hungry upset mums to sit there whilst others get fed is just shitty. I’ve experienced both sides of the coin.

It's not wrong, and it's not a referendum on mother's worthiness. It's very simple. The hospital feeds its patients. When it's a FF baby it does this by providing its formula. When it's a BF baby it does this by feeding the mother.