To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

Kitty, no, it wasn’t your personal experiences I was questioning. It was the idea that all the people on this thread going “maybe these strangers weren’t all judging you OP?” were unfairly doubting the OP, when they would have immediately leapt to the defence of a breastfeeding mother.

I would’ve said exactly the same thing to a bf mother convinced everyone in public is staring at her. It’s easy to imagine everybody is, and easy to imagine what they think of you... but really they’re probably not at all.

Soydora totally agree! Feeding is one element of a happy baby, there's cuddles, nappy changing, playing, bathing, walks, babywearing... etc for bonding with dad. Suggesting the bond is due to ff is what made me think it was an insensitive thing to say to/in front of a bf mum. But mostly because of the vulnerability a new mum feels, I think it's only responsible to be careful with your words! Fair play to 53rd way who sees that as her problem as opposed to theirs, very understanding attitude to have but I maintain that it was thoughtless! Equally I suppose lots of people have said thoughtless things to me and I have forgiven them all and know it's mostly my own emotional vulnerability that's at play.

53rd way I see where you're coming from, it is certainly easy to take things personally in the early days!

I think it would’ve been thoughtless to say “formula feeding is really working for us because Dad gets to bond and be really involved!” around me if my baby’s dad wasn’t in the picture. Given that he was (and was bonding fine!) it was stretching things to take it as a personal judgement on me. But I had a newborn and very little sleep and was not quite rational at the time!

I also once cried over a poster in a maternity clinic waiting room because it talked about healthy diet during pregnancy (I had HG and a shit diet). Not my proudest moment, but it’s pretty emotive stuff when you’re in the thick of it.

Hmmm... if a new mum told me she was formula feeding her newborn by choice I might give a funny look, too. Breastfeeding is hard, but it reduces the odds of a small baby getting an infection by 40% and it reduces the risk of the baby being hospitalised. It's not that I'm trying to shame anyone, but hearing someone say they decided not to breastfeed would signal to me that I might not have much in common with that person, because breastfeeding was important to me and we probably have different priorities. I can't really relate to women who choose not to do it. .

Reading this makes me so sad! As though formula feeding mums don’t want to prioritise their babies’ health!
I had my dd just over a month ago and breastfed for about two weeks. I had a very traumatic labour and was in a lot of pain afterwards. She was 11lb and hard to hold over my section scar. In hospital she wouldn’t latch but the midwives were very busy. When I got home I contacted a breastfeeding support group but they were run by volunteers and couldn’t see me for 3 days. In that time I tried breastfeeding but she did no wet or dirty nappies in that time and lost a substantial amount of weight. The midwives advised me on her latch but she was very shallow and kept dropping back off, so my nipples were mishapen and I was in a lot of pain. I would say the pain from feeding was worse than the section scar! After two weeks of sobbing over every feed I gave up and now give her formula.

As a mum-to-be who refused to buy bottles because I was certain I would breastfeed, as I believed breast was best (and still do), I think it’s a shame that someone like you would judge that I must have different priorities regarding my baby’s health and that you would judge me feeding my newborn a bottle.

I also worry a lot now about her getting ill because I’m not breastfeeding anymore. I’d imagine there are other women formula feeding newborns who feel the same, who probably need a bit of support rather than judgement.

I think there needs to be so much more support regarding breastfeeding for new mums.

To mums who have breastfed their babies- hats off to you. I couldn’t believe how hard it was. I’m so impressed of women who make it work.

@Rowena

I'm sorry my post made you sad. I completely understand how hard it can be and I have wonderful friends who have been unable to breastfeed, or where it has been so difficult for various reasons that the right decision was to switch to the bottle. I also completely agree with you that support is not always there - in my experience it depends on where you live.

I was referring to mums who say they never intended to breastfeed and planned to ff from the very start, for example because they don't think it's necessary, because they don't like it, because they want the dads to bottle feed, etc. I can't really relate to them. I absolutely relate to you and hope you are not too hard on yourself.

Rowena Dedalus I feel your pain. Different reasons for me (in my case insufficuent glandular tissue and a month of trying all sorts of ridiculous things to establish a supply) but the same result, a reluctantly formula fed baby (or let him starve so don't view it as a "choice") and a whole shedload of mum guilt. Someone's assumption that I care less about the health of my child than they do if they see me out with formula is basically my worst nightmare. I can really feel your need to justify your feeding situation in your words and I completely and utterly understand. Did you ever manage to come to terms with the emotional side of having to give up on bf? I need some help in achieving that!

Some of us who bf just got lucky with breastfeeding Rowena, please don’t think we all toughed out the awful time you went through. I was not prepared to put that much effort into it the first time (really awful pregnancy and didn’t want to fight with my body any more), so my approach was that I’d give it a go but if it wasn’t easy I’d switch to formula. It turned out straightforward so I stayed bf. Nothing I did caused that, I just got lucky.

Ironically someone like BrightStarrySky would have more in common with some of my friends who ff than with me, because they wanted to bf really really badly and poured way more energy into trying than I would have done. (And I fed past toddlerhood!)

P.S Bright Starry Sky that wasn't intended as a dig at you, you've been explicit that you're talking about a choice never to try bf at all for no medical/mental health/seriously good reason.

I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous brightstarrysky. There are plenty of things a parent can do which are genuinely detrimental to their baby and this isn’t one of them. Formula feeding is, on any view, a perfectly adequate way to feed a child (whether as good as breast milk or not) and to imply that FF by choice mothers’ priority is not their baby’s wellbeing is unkind. What are their “different priorities?” Why can’t you support other mothers instead of being nasty and judgmental?

I bf my 4 month old and would never give her formula it's processed baby junk food imo.

If someone said they were going to eat processed powder mixed with water 3x a day and they're going to be just as healthy as people who eat home cooked natural food everyday then you'd think they were a nutter.
Same principle applies.

Breastmilk is far superior

If you want to ff that's fine do what you want, I couldn't care less how people feed their babies, but your reasons are a myth

It's not always painful (I had no pain whatsoever)
My baby sleeps through the night and has done since 6 weeks old - sleeps better than my ff friends babies
Dads can bond in other ways.

Don't know why you need support for ff??? Read the back of the tin

love793

Ignoring the rest of your goady post, have you considered that not all mothers in this country can read? Not all can understand English? Some have limited cognitive abilities or learning disabilities? Or is the health of the babies of such parents of no concern to you?

love793 you sound very unpleasant. And I say that as a breastfeeder.

I'm one of 'those' mums @BrightStarrySky - I chose not to breastfeed but to be honest, I can't quite relate to you either(more down to your attitude to other mums than your parental choices) so I won't lose any sleep over your view on formula feeding mums

To the OP, I stand corrected- there ARE mums who judge but I hadn't had the misfortune of encountering one until this thread 😂 I apologise for calling you overly sensitive. I honestly had never heard another woman say anything like that before so I guess people like that do exist 🤷🏻‍♀️ sad but all you can do is not care what they think

53rd way you've really made me think about this all (in a difficult but probably good way). I have some demons from my traumatic failed bf attempts that I need to sort out. Genuine question, following what rowena and I have posted on here, is love793's post insensitively worded or is it simply my problem that it's made me feel a bit shit? I am perfectly prepared for you to agree that I am being over sensitive so please be honest. I am asking because I would like to adopt the attitude you now have about the mums that wanged on about thw ff dad bond.

Sorry I'm quite blunt the way I talk and it probably did come off insensitive, I just can't stand people trying to say formula is just as good as breastmilk because it really isn't.

I don't have a problem with women who ff and it should be their right to chose to feed their babies however they like. I have friends who really struggled with breastfeeding and I even suggested ff to them because I could see it wasn't working out.

But some of OPs reasons are a myth to me - (maybe because I didn't encounter any of these problems people talk about)

is love793's post insensitively worded or is it simply my problem that it's made me feel a bit shit?

It comes across as pretty bloody insensitive to me! We can say that breastmilk is ideal without calling formula ‘processed baby junk food’, that’s just needlessly hostile.

kittykat89 I fed my DC expressed milk alongside the processed baby junk food I don't think you or anyone would be unreasonable to be upset reading that. But remember it is just one persons view and doesn't have any extra validity just because it is super judgemental. There aren't huge differences in outcomes between formula and breast fed babies that can be solely attributed to the food given.

53rd way thought so but seriously questioning how badly I take things tok personally. It only hurts me! love793 I agree bf is better from a nutrition perspective (or I wouldn't have tried so hard to establish a supply!) I actually also agree that some of the myths surrounded bf are damaging if they're genuinely putting people off even trying. But yes it seemed harshly worded when a couple of people had just spilled their hearts on how much they'd have liked to bf, but don't sweat it, we all hurt people with our words inadvertently sometimes.

I know you weren't asking me but for what it's worth - you're not being over insensitive, love793s post is genuinely horrible!

TeddyIsaHe

It’s the best food for a newborn, and you can even express it off before you give birth, so if someone has had a traumatic event in the past which means they don’t want to breastfeed, there is a viable option.

I can only talk for myself but hand expressing was horrendously traumatic. My dc are 3 and 5 months now but reading your post made me feel physically sick. I can not touch my nipples, my loathing is so strong. I managed to get a tiny vial with dc1 before vomiting and spending the next 4 hours or so shaking when he was in NICU. After that, they gave me a proper pump for when I was sleeping and told me breastfeed when I was there. I managed to pump and to stick the babies on the breast but hand expressing for me, was an absolute no no.

@BrightStarrySky Thank you for your post. It just shows what an emotive subject this is, doesn’t it.

I have had judgemental comments from some mums and I just feel so small On the other hand there have been occasions where I feel like I’m being judged but I’d imagine that’s all in my own head!

@kittykat89 It’s so hard isn’t it. I wanted to be a breastfeeding mum so badly and just like the fact that the labour wasn’t what I wanted for myself, the type of feeding mum that I am isn’t what I wanted either. I find that so hard and feel so weak compared to some fierce mums I know who worked for weeks at establishing breastfeeding.

However, in a few years literally no one will care how we fed our children (not even us!)
I usually don’t feel guilty unless I’m super hormonal . You mustn’t feel guilty either. You’re doing what’s best for you both and you’re situation.

I sit feeding her at 3am with a bottle and stare down and think she’s the most precious, tiny thing in the entire world. This is stark contrast to me as a new mum crying over every feed and resenting her for it.

I also feel so grateful that I get to feed her at all, no matter how I do it. My cousin lost her baby at birth and I try to remind myself that I’m lucky to have dd, and no one but me cares how she’s fed- time with babies is too short to worry about decisions we have made or had to make.

I agree some very unpleasant comments and we would do well to remember many FF mums wanted to BF and show a lot more kindness

@love793 it’s not just blunt and offensive, blatantly shaming formula feeding mums, it’s soooo naieve to think ff mums don’t need support on feeding and they can just read the tin!

The ignorance actually baffles me! I can’t think where to begin in telling you the potential support required