To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

Unfinishedkitchen

It was the OP who pitted FF against BF by saying FF are shamed more based on a few looks she's had.

Are we not allowed to state scientific fact or discuss monstrosities like the nestle scandal (but hey, who cares about babies in developing countries) just because some mums feel upset?

Ok fair enough but I did notice that the BF mum on the other thread was instantly believed and her friends called names when she said that they ALL made negative comments regarding BF but this OPs issues must be in her head.

People judge all sorts of things. OP YANBU but I think this could be something where people find it difficult to move past their own experiencesl.

On a population level breast feeding is best. For some individuals formula is better. Not all mums get to make an active choice.

It reminds me of the buy vs rent debate. Do what's right for you and your family and try to ignore what others say/do.

Teddy, I was on of them. My kids didn't get any breast milk at all. What you would have told me if I'd been next to you in the maternity or if you were my friend?

You might ve baffled but it still remains your feelings and sense of wgst is right or not. I chose not to bb on the basis that on an individual basis, the benefits although not deniable, we're so small that I didn't think I was failing my children by not giving to them.

As the statistics go and the chances of newborns catching infections - ie. low, bb or not, tgey didn't catch any.

If you'd said something to me, I would have pointed you to one thing you are probably not doing even doing so would be better for you or you children because not one parent is perfect and do everything WHO or the NHS recommend us to do even though we should for the same reasons mothers decide to bb when it isn't what they wish to do.

*Ok fair enough but I did notice that the BF mum on the other thread was instantly believed and her friends called names when she said that they ALL made negative comments regarding BF but this OPs issues must be in her head.

If we’re thinking of the same thread, the OP mentioned two specific friends, and one of them outright told her she shouldn’t be breastfeeding. And even so most of the replies she got were “well those friends are awful but most people really won’t care, let alone be disgusted, so just carry on if you want to feed.”

Honestly it doesn’t help any of us to make all this into a big war between The Breastfeeders and everyone else.

but the extent to which breast milk is better, and whether this is exaggerated, is very much up for discussion
And this is exactly why I opted not to bb despite the pressure by professionals at the time to do so.

I would never argue that breast is best, it is. What I would argue is how much better it is. Too many pro bb seem convinced that the benefits are massive and therefore not bb is akin to neglect.

The reality is that the benefits on an invidual basis are marginal. The real benefits are as a society overall especially for groups more at risks.

It's oy one of 100s of choices with make for our kids that benefits... a little bit.

I have to be honest and say that I've fed all my children both ways in public many many times and no one ever batted an eyelid.
I didn't even know that there was such passionate debate between BFvFF until I signed up to parenting forums with number 3. No one cares, people are out having their own coffee/dinner/whatever else going about their day involves whilst you're sat feeding your child.

I agree that OP is getting a really hard time, and I think people have maybe forgotten what it's like to have a 7 week old. I do think it's the comparison that made this thread turn so hostile, though, and that first paragraph listing reasons breastfeeding is rubbish. I do agree that OP has been somewhat overzealously corrected, though (including by me, for which I'm sorry).

I found the opposite. I breastfed all of mine up to all in between 15 months and 2 and a half years. Still breastfeeding my 18 month old and dc4 on the way. However I am constantly told that shouldn't I stop by now. Or I think it's disgusting when they are that age. Or if they have teeth you shouldn't. I ignore. They are happy and the 2 eldest have developed well and are not 'affected or overly attached as someone suggested to me they would be. Everyone should just do what is best for them. I am still shamed by my 'friend's but I don't give AF

@F1annelsheets
You seem really angry at BF mums I think it gone past shaming.
I think we can all agree that mothers are judged for the choices we make but the reality is that most women formula feed so which means that you’re in the majority so not sure why you’re against support for the minority who are doing something which needs patience perseverance and a bit of skill.
I’m not saying formula feeding mums shouldn’t have access to information about the correct way to make up and store infant milk.

Bang on Unfinishedkitchen whether it was a choice or not, formula feeding mamas have to convince others that they're being judged and less supported whilst breastfeeding mamas get instant and very vocal support. To be clear, a bf mama should get said support if she feels judged in public but so should ALL mamas! And the responses on here really illustrate that. The least helpful possible response is to suggest that the problem isn't even real. Plenty saying that they've never felt judged but they're the lucky ones and its a bit shitty to assume everyone's experience is the same and everyone who reports they've been treated badly is exaggerating or it's in their head.

@Lobipolaxe
You’re at liberty to feed your child whichever way your wife chooses but l exclusively breastfed my two and DH took them out and about (particularly DS) from day one and has a strong bond with them both.
It’s like saying I have a stronger bond with my DC than women who formula feed I’m sure that wouldn’t go down well and I would never say it.

Ghanagirl from my perspective and personal experience the practical information about how to effectively and safely feed is very skewed- lots of help whilst I tried to establish a supply and zero the second that became no longer viable. However, the lack of support that has really affected me is the lack of emotional support. How can it be that no one asked how I was? However, I didn't feel mega emotional support during the momth I spent trying to bf either so I think there's maybe a general lack of emotional support on the topic of feeding. I know lots of mums that are bf, combi and ff and I don't know many who have had a totally smooth ride whatever route they have taken or been forced to take.

and everyone who reports they've been treated badly is exaggerating or it's in their head

sigh.

If you think you are being judged because you are getting ‘funny looks’ from strangers in cafes on a regular basis, it is at least worth considering that most people don’t actually care. Most strangers don’t even notice you.

When I felt judged and picked on by the ff mums in my baby group who talked about how great ff was because Dad could bond with the baby, they were not actually judging me. They were not even talking about me. I felt picked on at the time but that is not what they were doing.

53rd way and here I am having to convince you I've been judged. It wasn't me who used "funny looks" as an example, I am thinking more of the people who have told me I have made an unhealthy choice for my child (wasn't even a choice) and the women who have literally turned their back to be to exclude me from conversations. I would never do that to a new mum evwn if I really believed they were doing something wrong.

P.S it was insensitive for those mums to talk about their kid's bond with their dads in front of you. I imagine in the newborn haze that stung.

I've never experienced any 'shaming' as a mum who's FF two kids. Maybe you feel this way because you feel underlying guilt or something? I have zero guilt about FF - I chose to do it because I wanted it as easy as possible and the thought of breastfeeding never appealed to me at all. I do think you're being overly sensitive but your entitled to your opinion

I’m not saying you haven’t been judged, Kitty. I was talking about the OP who did use funny looks as an example.

I am sure there are people out there who will judge you for your feeding choices no matter what you do. I have encountered some of them. But they are very much in the minority, most people don’t care, and the idea that the U.K. is patrolled by brigades of militant breastfeeders out to slap bottles of Aptamil out of the hands of beleaguered formula feeders is not actually helpful to any of us.

For any mums struggling with their feelings around feeding (or indeed any aspects of parenting), if you have a breastfeeding support group near you (usually run by NCT, BfN or ABM) the supporter's at these groups are here for you. They aren't just there to fix breastfeeding problems, but to help support and debrief mums whose journey didn't go as they hoped.

You won't be judged for no longer breastfeeding. Really. We have seen and heard it all and totally understand why it just doesn't work out for some mums. We often feel guilty when nothing we suggest works for a mum but understand our guilt must be tiny in comparison to that of a mum.

We have tissues and time to listen. Or if you can't face going to a group you can call one of the feeding helplines.

it was insensitive for those mums to talk about their kid's bond with their dads in front of you

No it wasn’t, really. They were talking to each other about being happy with their feeding choices. It wasn’t about me or addressed to me, however easy it was to interpret it as such at the time.

P.S it was insensitive for those mums to talk about their kid's bond with their dads in front of you. I imagine in the newborn haze that stung

I would have absolutely no problem with anyone talking about their baby’s bond with their dad in front of me. A strong bond with their parents is fantastic.
I would have a problem with being told that their bond was due to the fact that the dad could bottle feed the baby. As that simply isn’t true. DH developed a really strong bond with our children through lots of cuddles/nappy changes/playing games/taking them out in the pram/plenty of eye contact. How could that bond have been improved by him giving them a bottle?

kitty you’ve encountered some dickheads . I believe you but your case is rare and really bad. A lot of perceived shaming on both sides is down to self conciousness and the early baby haze of hormones.

And for the Dads bonding of course the feeding doesn’t make a difference. Me (bf) and my friend (ff) both have partners who seem as uninterested in their babies as each other

53rd way you quoted me so thought you were questioning my personal experiences.
I totally agree that there's too much of a divide being created mostly online and generally I think most people will find thst they haven't been judged in most situations, but my point was that it is not necessarily helpful to doubt someone when they say others have judged them, it invalidates their feelings and it's better to empower someone to feel strong in their choices or sitations they find themselves in rather than suggest it's in their head. However, maybe you're right and if we continue to talk about mums judging each other it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Certainly it's mostly been kind and supportive and the mean comments have been rare occasions. Perhaps we should talk more about all the wonderful times strangers and fellow mums have given us great support.

Hmmm... if a new mum told me she was formula feeding her newborn by choice I might give a funny look, too. Breastfeeding is hard, but it reduces the odds of a small baby getting an infection by 40% and it reduces the risk of the baby being hospitalised. It's not that I'm trying to shame anyone, but hearing someone say they decided not to breastfeed would signal to me that I might not have much in common with that person, because breastfeeding was important to me and we probably have different priorities. I can't really relate to women who choose not to do it. The funny look would be me thinking of how to change the subject and not appear judgmental.

It makes me so sad when women won’t try breastfeeding because they believe it will hurt.

At the beginning it can hurt. There’s an art/skill/knack to it but once its instilled it’s painless. You don’t feel anything except a warm baby nestled against you.

It’s awful how little support women are given in the first days - the myths about pain and effort perpetuated as a result put so many more women off trying.