To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

There are legal codes of marketing and promotion placed upon formula companies driven by the WHO.

If you look at the NHS's lists of benefits that study addresses very few of them. I don't doubt it's correct about the factors it looked at, but that doesn't mean that there aren't other benefits that it didn't address.

There are legal codes of marketing and promotion placed upon formula companies driven by the WHO.

I know, but if the ‘breast is best’ message is actually a lie or fabricated (as some people believe) then I’m pretty sure the formula companies would move mountains to prove it and so be able to have the message removed from their tins.

Not that the message on their tin makes any difference. People already know that breast milk is better for a baby without needing to see it written on the side of the formula packaging too.

Most breastfeeding support is done by volunteers, and whilst they can have vast experience of helping women with minor problems such as poor latch and initially establishing a milk supply.

However, they are NOT (usually) medical professionals and are not qualified to deal with women who genuinely do have low supply. But it's not always easy to tell the difference between low supply at-the-moment and low supply entirely.

More support, and more actual medical support for those that both need it AND want it, could help. And Dads could do more (in general, not aimed at OP and her partner) to pick up the slack. Not just with the baby, but around the house, looking after the other children etc. Yes, yes, they all work hard but that doesn't mean they can get away with only doing the 'nice' bits of looking after a baby - ie the bits where you get to sit on your arse and have a cuddle.

Whenever I used to get arsey comments from family about breastfeeding, I started referring to milk as 'cow breastmilk' and asking why they thought me saying that was weird.

I can be overly sarcastic though.

@memoryofsleep

Interesting, hadn’t considered the youth point! Thank you for reading it and commenting.

I agree the study isn’t conclusive - but it is one of not many studies that adjusts for selection. The ones usually cited in support of bf don’t at all. I don’t know about selection in the UK. Until we do, that remains a major failing in the evidence often relied on and that needs to be addressed. Currently no study is conclusive.

I posted that in response to people sniping that it was just opinion and anecdote about formula being nearly as good. My view is that there is a discussion to be had as to the relative benefits and that it isn’t clear cut. I stand by that. For my part I doubt formula will ever be shown to be equivalent or just as good but the extent to which breast milk is better, and whether this is exaggerated, is very much up for discussion. Thank you for engaging in the discussion However people often get very defensive over breast milk and upset at any challenge to it being some kind of elixir as compared with the poison of formula, as shown by the outrage in response to the poster saying it didn’t make much difference.

@shazified I assume the pp meant that it’s formula companies starting/commenting on threads like these. It’s in their commercial interest that people think bf is hard and no better than ff.

For what it's worth I don't believe BF is only better in third world countries just that there are different considerations and the one size fits all approach to pushing BF could also be turning people off. Something more targeted on the benefits of BF in the UK and what is actually preventing people from being able to breastfeed, especially given how many start then stop, might be more useful.

How is being with your newborn 24/7 in those first few weeks while establishing bf a negative thing? it isn’t if that’s what you want to happen. But if e.g. someone posts here that they can’t put the baby down for a second they are told that they need to get over themselves that this is how it’s meant to be, etc. Women, and let’s be honest it is only women, are tied to their babies whether they want to be or not. Sometimes not even able to put the baby down to go to the toilet because they are trying to establish breastfeeding. Not able to go to the GP and leave the baby for a couple of hours because a bf baby must be fed on demand.

There are actual women on mn who attribute developing post natal depression to breastfeeding.

Some women might shock horror actually want to give their baby to the father for a couple of hours while she catches up on some much needed sleep, and that is no more wrong than a woman who doesn’t leave her baby for a second.

How is being with your newborn 24/7 in those first few weeks while establishing bf a negative thing?

It is for some women. It was for me. I'm still glad I breastfed, but I found it hard, and a shock, how much it made everything all on me. I think it's important that we acknowledge that's hard for some people as otherwise it undermines the case for supporting breastfeeding mothers, and all the evidence suggests they need more support, not less.

It is hard to find unbiased quantified information on exactly how breast milk is better, and if there are any steps parents can take to close the gap.

I was always going to breast feed. It is my norm as my mum, sisters and friends all breast fed.

The antenatal breast feeding talk was a real low point of my pregnancy though. The midwife said there are no problems which can't be solved by a good latch and perseverance. She knew my scans had picked up a problem which depending on severity could completely prevent breast feeding but still maintained all mums could breast feed.

Although I personally don't feel judged when I bottle feed in public, I do feel like people are giving me a free pass and deciding not to judge me.

For a lot of mum's it is Hobson's choice not to entirely breast feed and there is very little information on mixed feeding. That's an area where increasing support could help all parents.

And mctufty thanks for your post - I think we're actually in agreement. I also think that the benefits are probably overblown in some regards, and a lot of them are very short-term (eg. lower risk of stomach upsets - and that could actually be reduced further in FF babies if everyone followed the preparation guidelines, though that suggestion also seems to make people cross). I don't think it makes no difference at all, though, which is what the poster we were all responding to said. I do think it has to be held in balance with other considerations, and that for some/many families the benefits of breastfeeding just aren't worth the cost to them.

We do a lot alone now, compared to previous generations. My grandparent's generation were living with elderly relatives, who would be visited by other relatives. Even my parents went and stopped with other relatives in the summer, because going to visit for a day or a few hours was less feasible without a car. They saw more family.

We have smaller support networks. I have friends, but I didn't want to give my post-partum washing to them. I let my mum take it though.

I bf, but even if I'd ff DH wouldn't have done night feeds and it would have been one or two bottles a day. Even with the odd visitor feeding them, I'd still have been responsible for the vast majority of the feeding. Plus the washing and sterilising and making up probably. Plus all the other household stuff with added shitty laundry.

We are expected to do it all, however we feed our babies.

And so frightened are we of upsetting anyone that sayings like 'fed is best' are still bandied around, despite the fact that fed is the minimal. Breast is best. And yes, some women cannot breastfeed, and no they should not feel bad about that and yes it can be a lifesaving intervention.

^I completely agree with this. I’m currently bfing my 9 month old DC3. Breastfed the first two for a year and plan to do longer this time. Yes it was hard at first but once established it’s been easy - and personally I would think more convenient than ff. I love it. My baby loves it. It’s been such a positive experience for me and all my children. But I’m wary about saying this in real life because it’s wrongly interpreted as an attack on or judging of ff mums. I honestly don’t care how other mums feed their babies but it does make me sad that there is a real lack of positive breast feeding stories out there

I have to agree that fed is best. DD would have starved if I hadn't tried mixed feeding. She could barely get anything out of my breast.

uhohmummy
I agree with you. I’m still bfing 1 year old DS and I’m proud of myself for doing so. We both love it and it’s the best parenting tool at my disposal- it solves pretty much everything!

It’s annoying that once the ‘breast is best’ message was heard and accepted, it then changed to ‘yes but only marginally in this country so it won’t make any difference’
Probably another ‘truth’ started by a formula company

I also believe that if there was an infinite supply of cash to fund breast milk research, they would discover more benefits and have more research to back up the fact that it is better for your baby. But who is going to pay for those studies when nobody makes a profit from breastmilk??

lisasimpsonsbff In agreement? On Mumsnet? That’s no fun

And I agree that some risks of formula could be reduced if people made formula properly. Do people get upset by that? Really? I think there should be support for FF parents who are confused about how to do it.

My little boy is nearly 6 months and I’m about to go back to work so his milk might switch to be formula as I’m not great at expressing. The instructions aren’t that easy when you consider that not all parents are high functioning (I spent years in the family courts and we have to allow for that fact that some do struggle often through no fault of their own).

Generally I think being a new parent is lovely, but bloody hard and there should be more support for mother who want to breastfeed, but not to the exclusion of helping FF mothers who need guidance.

OP I’m amazed that YA actually NBU I know it’s mumsnet but some comments on here have really surprised me. As naive as that may be!

I mixed fed but YANBU OP at all. Look at the replies you’ve had on this thread, some doubting you and then others using your thread as a platform to chant ‘Breast is Best’ and compare FF to smoking, giving kids chicken nuggets and the evil FF corporations. Isn’t this the type of thing that would make a FF feel shamed?

Meanwhile an almost identical thread is running started by a breast feeder talking about how others have shamed her and it’s 100% ‘aw hun, don’t let the bastards get you down, you’re doing the best you can for your bubba’. Massive difference in response to a struggling mother.

Look at the replies you’ve had on this thread, some doubting you

What I and many others were ‘doubting’ is that the ‘funny looks’ and comments about breastfeeding she’s experienced were all from disapproving judgy breastfeeders. It is so so easy to feel judged and vulnerable by everyone around you when you have a tiny baby - I know, I’ve been there myself! But looking back I was absolutely reading too much into someone else’s entirely normal behaviour.

I used to know someone who regularly talked about all the breastfeeding mums in public who looked around smugly to make sure everyone saw they were breastfeeding. I don’t doubt that she saw breastfeeding women looking around, but I do think she was reading a lot into their motives!

i dont know anyone that actually cares how other people feed their baby, my sister is a midwife and breastfed for the first 3 weeks, now changed to bottle feeding, within my friends and family there's been both and no one has anything to say about either, i bf all 3 of my kids, no one cared, when i bottle fed sometimes,nobody cared about that either, at local toddler groups there's parents that breast feed, and parents that bottle feed and they all say they haven't had any comments or looks that they've noticed about feeding they're baby.
just feed your baby anyway you like, I'm fairly sure no one is judging or caring how your feeding your baby x

I never said that there was no difference between formula and breast milk, for goodness’ sake.

Someone has suggested that pro ff comments on this thread (not that I’m pro ff, I’m impartial) are coming from formula companies posing as normal MN posters ? Really?!

If someone dares to disagree with the breast is best brigade on mumsnet they are jumped on from all angles!

The madness and vitriol that surrounds ff , just goes to show how ff mums can be made to feel.... which leading back to the op, is a disgrace.

Your baby will grow up just fine op, bf / ff is a relatively minor issue in terms of parenting and health choices - so do what’s best for you and ignore anyone who is hardline on either side of the argument.

The only time I do judge (and I’m prepared to be bashed for this) is when mothers won’t even consider giving colostrum. Even one or two feeds sets up babies immune system to give hem a fighting start against infections and illness when they’re tiny, and refusal to do so baffles me. It’s the best food for a newborn, and you can even express it off before you give birth, so if someone has had a traumatic event in the past which means they don’t want to breastfeed, there is a viable option.