To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

@F1annelsheets Did you know that when breastfeeding if mum doesn't consume enough calcium, it will come out of her BONES to provide it to the baby. It's honestly the height of selfishness and petty jealousy to begrudge a hospital feeding a nursing mother. I guess you think BF mothers should just waste away to a husk, so that you aren't jealous of the (mostly disgusting) hospital food they get to eat. When I was in hospital myself for a serious operation I had DH bring in M&S as the food was revolting. So what are you even jealous about?

Grow up.

new and haven’t rrad all but ITS NOT A COMPETITION! both are shamed for some real and some ridiculous reasons. you will slways fet attacked for something you do in pareting - find your own way

I havent read the whole thing esp the big debate re hospital meal. Personally i think they should give meals to mum with infants under a certain age, ff or bf, as i can't see how it is possible to go get food with a v sick baby. But i can also see the logic re clinical benefit and i am grateful than whenever i have to go to hospital with my youngest i get my meals provided for.

On the more general topic:
YABU because bf is important, ff is far from neutral, and ff is still the majority. If people are bing twats with you just tell them so, they would be twats for other reasons if it wasn't ff/bf. Most women otherwise do not care and as i mentioned you are part of the majority. Maybe your insecurities talking?
Personally i wouldn't dream of commenting on how a baby is fed but it does make me sad when babies (healthy babies, no known issue with mum or baby) are ff fed from day 1. I would agree that trying to bf is a normal part of having a baby. After that if despite support and information things don't work out at least we have formula which is better than nothing of course.

Actually Brook you need to grow up or at least learn to read threads properly. That and refrain from engaging in hysterical drama. Dried out husk,I ask you.😂😂😂

As I’ve said repeatedly I’ve unfortunately been both - a bfing mum and a ff mum in hospital. It’s not petty jealousy or begrudging anything. It’s simply pointing out a ridiculous state of affairs where a bfing mum going in for a short routine few hours who is perfectly capapable of packing food and is no more likely of drying out to a husk than I am gets fed and a ffing mum going in for something life threatening,out of the blue and possibly traumatic gets nothing whilst being expected to do care. Not all hospitals do this and all new mums are expected to bring in nappies so good for a few hours if preplanned isn’t a big ask( if the NHS really is so poor it can’t offer a traumatised ffing mum a piece of toast and tin of cheap soup).

It’s not jealousy it’s common sense and decency or lack of. The language on here and such a ridiculous stance is indicative of the attitude towards ffing mothers found everywhere. I’ve been both, believe you me the judgement towards ffing mums is worse. I experienced very little whist bfing.

@F1annelsheets FF mothers are not a persecuted minority and no matter how many anecdotes I read, I will never accept them to be. The majority of British babies are partially or completely FF. That is a fact, supported by statistics.

If you have a problem with the NHS then take it up with the NHS, it's not a BF mother's problem that you didn't get a tasteless shepherd's pie and I don't think LLL is out picketing in front of hospitals insisting on this particular benefit. It's not to do with BF mothers yet you attack them and say "well women in poor countries don't need extra calories to BF so why do British women."

This is why I told you to grow up. The women in those poor countries also don't have tins of formula and clean water to give their babies either. So I could say that you shouldn't complain about not getting a meal because you're better off then they are, right?

To be fair tho, people stating breast is best (unless directed at a ff mum directly) aren’t shaming bottle feeding mums to be fair. I can understand how it might feel like that if you already feel guilty but unfortunately most people still need to be taught about breastfeeding and it’s benefits. Secondly I think bf mums get more shaming as they’re looked at and tutted at for simply feeding their baby. You don’t get that when your ff (generally) and if you do it’s from a very small minority of staunch bf advocates. Personally I was a ff first time and bf second time and other than my own guilt no one said anything negative first time round. Second time round there was occasions where I felt uncomfortable feeding and all the ff mums would usually fall over themselves to tell me why bf wasn’t good for them which obv isn’t very encouraging

Thread accuses people of judging ff women

Someone comes along and says bf women shouldn’t be given food in hospital despite providing milk for their sick children because ‘some women in other countries manage to produce milk on less calories’

Got to love mn!

So a bf mother should be treated as though she is a mother from a famine ridden developing country just so you don’t get annoyed that you didn’t get a meal??

The hunger from breastfeeding is unreal, trust me. Food is very necessary.

I think it's very naive to simplify this issue as majority FF, therefore it's impossible for someone to be shamed for FF in public. The ratio of FF:BF isn't evenly distributed at all. There are also different norms in social classes and ethnic groups that are relevant.

I also think it's rude when someone tells you their experience to dismiss it completely when you weren't there to witness it. Fair enough to question someone's perception of something but to insist you know better what they experienced is very arrogant.

To be fair tho, people stating breast is best (unless directed at a ff mum directly) aren’t shaming bottle feeding mums to be fair.

Exactly.

When a healthcare professional makes a pro-BF comment that is consistent with NHS policy and current medical research, that’s not “shaming” or “judging.”

Oh dear, why do these threads always have to descend to ridiculous levels of vitriol?

As its been said and what it comes down too is age of baby at time of feeding.

If you opt to not even try to bf right after birth and ask for a bottle, you are definitely judged and made to feel you are selfish for not trying to give your newborn the best.

If you are still breastfeeding at 12 months, then you are some wierdo doing it only for your own - devious- pleasure.

As for the poster stating that my GP midunderstood me when I ask for treatment to ease milk production, you are sadly wrong. I didn't bf at all and he knew that very well. I insisted, even said that it was available in France. His words were 'well it isn't here'. It was 20 years ago and hopefully a one off but sadly it does happen.

I didn’t start the hospital point, I simply added to it.Just look at the language when heaven forbid somebody suggests a common sense approach to food for mothers in hospital. Selfishness, pitting food above your critically ill child, disorganised begrudging food snatcher from the mouths of poor starving selfless bfing mums. Sums the status quo up nicely.

Newsflash one size doesn’t fit all.The maj of mums mix feed anyway.

begrudging food snatcher from the mouths of poor starving selfless bfing mums

Oh come on. People were just pointing out the logic behind feeding BF mums and not FF mums. The reason that it’s the NHS policy. I don’t know a single BF mum who would sit in hospital with their ill child considering themselves ‘poor, selfless and starving’.

And actually this vision of dried out husk mothers from a few hours of cereal bars really does nothing to encourage mothers through trickier periods of breast feeding. Why oh why does the UK continuously engage in such over dramatic scaremongering rhetoric asvregards bfing.

What exactly are you so angry about flannel? Genuine question because you seem to be the only angry one on this thread....

Struggling to take you seriously now F1annelsheets

Besides anything I found those oat containing cereal bars to be the best thing in the early days of breastfeeding.

To see a woman who has apparently been the parent of two seriously ill babies in hospital devoting this much time, energy and vitriol to arguing that hospitals shouldn't provide sustenance to breastfeeding mothers is bizarre, unpleasant and basically nasty.

Exactly.

My sister’s baby was extremely
Unwell at 9 months of age and was
In a children’s hospital for over 11 weeks, needing two serious operations and a stint in intensive care.

My sister certainly wasn’t looking around and eying up the breast feeding mothers who were being fed and she certainly wasn’t pissed off about it.

Thankfully her daughter made a full recovery and theee years on she had nothing but praise and gratitude for the treatment the hospital provided. I would find it very, very odd and nasty if all she had to do was slag off the NHS and rant on about the injustices of breast feeding mothers being fed.

It’s been a very long time since I contributed to one of these threads because my baby is now sixteen. But the reality here is that it really doesn’t matter in the developed world how you feed your baby,as long as you do.

Yes, if you go looking then you will find evidence to support either way of feeding, but the truth is that there is in fact very little difference between breast milk and formula in the developed world.

As for the “the WHO says you should bf until two,” those recommendations are aimed at the third world where malnutrition is rife among both mums and babies and where infant mortality is high, where water cannot be guaranteed to be safe and where formula can be a genuine risk. This is not the case in the UK. So if you want to BF, then BF, if you don’t, then don’t.

By the time most babies are six months old most women have had to go back to work anyway, and the reality is that breastfeeding is not convenient long term if you have further family to support etc, and we are fortunate that we have formula available.

Added to which, it is impossible to know which children are breastfed and which aren’t by the time they’re toddlers, so it really doesn’t matter.

OP, I’d say a few things. Your thread title pits BF against FF. If you haven’t breastfed, you have no idea how much bf mums are “shamed” so I don’t know how you feel able to assume that it’s worse if you ff.

It seems your feelings of being “shamed” are based on (1) hcps stating the fact that breastmilk is better for babies (this is also printed on formula packaging and formula advertising) and (2) strangers giving you “funny looks”.

Some strangers might well be thinking you’re a terrible mother, but some might just be thinking you’be got a cute baby, or wondering what they’re having for dinner with their face pointing towards you. Since no one has said anything to you, you can’t know what they’re thinking. It’s hard as a new mum because we all feel vulnerable and question our choices, but you’re very far from being alone in ff and since you made the choice to do it why don’t you just own it.

Finally @summergems speaks some sense. BF is promoted on a world wide level and rightly so for the reasons Sunmergems points out , but in the west the health benefits of BF are totally negligible ! BF if you want, FF if you want. Your baby will turn out just the same. Some find BF easier and want to do it - fab. Some don’t want to BF - great, FF then.

The area of “shame” is that some really do want to but don’t get enough support when they run into real problems. Don’t have family nearby, get told codswallop by health professionals, have to wait a week between BF support group meetings etc etc ..... this isn’t good enough. Women should be enabled to choose how they feed their babies.

We bottle fed our son and as a dad I even had people ask me why he wasn’t being breast fed. I pointed out that it was our original plan but things don’t always work out like that . One of the massive positives for me though was the ability to go out and about with my son early on it gave me huge confidence in looking after him and having a strong bond

And still you’re twisting words Electric. Not suggesting denying bfing mothers food( I was one) but suggesting a common sense approach ie food for ffing mothers going through a shitty time too. If money is so short that cheap food can’t be provided,simply pointing out that a blanket approach re bfing mums might not be prudent or necessary. Not hard to understand.

BF is promoted on a world wide level and rightly so for the reasons Sunmergems points out , but in the west the health benefits of BF are totally negligible!

If you think this is true, why do you think the NHS tries to promote breastfeeding? Why have you spotted something that none of their highly qualified doctors who drive policy on these things can see? And why don't the formula companies publicise the data that shows this?

This thread is a shitstorm all round. There's just so much unkindness. I don't think formula feeding is the exact equivalent of breastfeeding - you have to essentially be a conspiracy theorist to think that every western country's health policy promotes breastfeeding for no reason - but I also don't think there's any excuse for making women with small babies, who are likely to be feeling pretty vulnerable anyway, feel bad. Nor do I think breastfeeding should be seen as some sort of inherent smug assault on formula feeding.

Absolutely no one always, without exception, makes the decision that is best for their child without ever considering their own needs. It isn't possible. And modelling kindness and empathy is a really important thing for a child that lots of posters on this thread - on both sides of the 'debate' - are apparently entirely failing to do.