To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

Of course your health is important but you are not the patient. Your child isn't dependant on your body producing it's only food source.
Personally I don't think the NHS should provide meals for any parents/visitors, just patients.

So my health is irrelevant then?

It’s not irrelevant but it has no bearing on your child’s recovery so therefore is not something that the hospital needs to concern itself with.

OP please try not to feel judged. The thing about being a mum is you feel judged about everything such as weaning, sleep rp training, dummy use, going back to work. The list goes on and everyone has their own opinion . The only thing you should concern yourself with is what is right for your family and your baby.

I failed at breastfeeding. I only had about 20% of what my baby needed and had to top up. I pumped around the clock, did skin to skin had her on my boobs for hours and hours, went to see breastfeeding specialists and then took dangerous amounts of meds to try and increase my suply. I gave up at six months. I have planned to do it for as long as she wanted to. I was devestated and I felt ashamed. Every time I went into an BF group, I got told NOT to top up. She would have just starved though. I felt guilty for not doing it properly. I felt like I had failed her. I felt like I wasn't a proper mother. I felt like I'd made a mistake for allowing the midwives to persuade me to top up. I refused for five days. I was in hospital for ten. The whole thing was a fucking nightmare and it more or less ruined the first six months for me. I spent most of it crying and feeling guilty and looking online for what I hadn't tried yet. I was "supported" in terms of breastfeding, but ot topping up. I had to go it alone there. Only my family "let me off the hook".

You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

Such is a woman's life, judged at every turn.

I didn't feel judged or damned.

shoulditellhimtodoone - your post made feel so sad. It sums up so many emotions that are involved in breastfeeding, the desire to do it, the upset and guilt associated with giving formula, the sense of failure and also the sense of feeling isolated. When breast feeding goes wrong or is difficult then it can be a very lonely place to be without the right support and it can cause such genuine emotional distress. Like I said, it makes me feel so sad to think of women having to experience this x x

I really glad everything turned out ok on the end and I hope you were
able to close the door on those negative months and make happier memories

I occassionally catch myself staring at babies being fed (both ff and bf). I'm sure I look like I am judging. In fact I have just stepped back in time to those lovely cuddles you have with a little one. It feels years ago. I am too shy to say anything but really hope I don't look disapproving but probably do.

No I definitely agree with the OP and I certainly didn’t ‘imagine’ the horrible comments that were thrown at me. Some of the gems are:

Midwife: (every...single...appointment) you must breastfeed, see it as your little mission
DM (when DD3 was a few weeks old): I don’t know why you claim to feel so tired when you’re not even breastfeeding!
Aunt: I really cant believe you’re not breatfeeding. You should continue to try no matter what, that’s what women do
Same aunt: look at her (dd) crying, she must be sooo hungry from not being breastfed
SIL: (when I explained that millions of women in this county ff their babies). Well they’re not like us though, their babies are different (erm...okay SIL...didn’t realise that there was a different breed of humans around)
Senior Nurse: you can always tell the difference between a ff and bf baby by looking at them. Bf babies always have a glow and are chubby. Your’s are pale and skinny

When I was part of a breastfeeding group I found them very judgmental and thought they should have a medal for breastfeeding.

Never met such a horrid group of people in my life.. Breastfeeding isn't easy for some but the pressure is immense yet the support is crap. No wonder rates are so low.

ajw88

Don’t tell anyone but I actually agree with you... sshhhh

Should we feed all main carers of every young child admitted to a paediatric ward? Where are we going to get that money from? The state of many wards is unacceptable due to lack to funding and yet, there are people on here who are splitting hairs because it upsets their feelings.

Let me guess, every single complainer had absolutely nobody, not a single human being who could help them get some food? If there’s a case where someone has not a single soul in the world and their child is there for several days and the parent will collapse, of course, the parent should be given a break to get some food. Why the struggling NHS should pay is quite another matter.....

Also, I’ve spent too much time on adult hospital wards as both a patient and a professional. I’m afraid, there is still ignorance and many people need 24 hour care and no, you cannot pop out to get a sandwich if you’re caring for your husband who is in the end stages of dementia and will be physically violent and scream and self harm. There are an increasing number of these patients.

TBF being a parent isn't always about putting the baby's needs first 100% of the time. That would be unsustainable. So it's no more selfish to choose FF than it is to make any number of choices which might not directly benefit a baby but benefit other members of the family and so support harmony in the household. Sometimes you need to prioritise other things, that's life.

My ward has 21 beds so if we were catering for one parent at each meal that’s another 63 meals a day on top of the cost of providing for the children.

The other children’s ward has 25 beds, so that’s another 75 meals a day in order to feed a parent.

The other children’s ward has 15 beds so that’s another 45 meals a day to feed a parent.

That would mean that our paediatric unit would have to pay out to provide for an extra 183 meals a DAY!!!

Where is the money for this coming from?

If the NHS is expected to feed a parent free of charge and it’s an extra 183 meals a day then it doesn’t take a genius to calculate how many meals the hospital would be providing free of charge each week and each month etc.

FWIW - the paediatric unit I work in provides breakfast to whichever parent spent the night with the child.

The tea trolley also goes round 4 times a day offering hot drinks, cakes and biscuits free of charge to any parent/visitor who is at the patients bedside.

We also pay the car parking fees of any car that is kept at the hospital overnight - and this cost comes directly out of the funding for the paediatric department.

The televisions are also free of charge for 12 hours.

Being kind to the families in the ways listed above already costs the NHS but it’s done to try and make life a little easier or more manageable for the parents.

I think being expected to feed parents actual meals is quite a big ask though. Even if people think a parent should be fed once a day, that’s still an extra 60 meals a day my paediatric unit would have to pay for on top of the ways it already helps out parents.

Interesting thread. My exclusively breast fed 6 month old baby was admitted to hospital in 2015 for a hernia operation. I was never fed, didn’t expect to be either.

I just think mothers get judged whatever we do. My DD is only 8 months and I’m amazed how a lot of people think their way is the only way, ie cosleeping, jars of food, dummies etc. I FF and I really regret I didn’t breastfeed but I’m happy and my baby is a bouncing bundle of happiness so it’s all worked out.

I suppose it depends where you live but I really wanted to breastfeed, I bought the pump, breast pads etc and wanted to make it work. I had a long birth which ended up in theatre and in hospital the midwife gave me a bottle of formula, there was no help at all. I didn’t have the confidence/knowledge that my milk would come in. It wasn’t helped with visiting hours being all day and my dad/mil were constantly just popping their heads around the curtain. I think any judging (from people I have met) was possibly my own regret. That’s not to say people don’t judge! One woman on Facebook compared formula to McDonald’s.

We all do our best and in the long run there are 1000’s of things that go into parenting that determine how our children turn out, it’s early days OP, be kind to yourself and ignore any judgement.

When I had my 1st daughter 7 years ago the hospital (In Australia) had a very strict breastfeeding is best policy. They didn't support formula feeding. You needed to sign a contract if your were going to formula feed acknowledging that you understood it was against hospital policy and you were responsible for providing your own formula and bottles.

With bub that I've had this year, policy has changed a lot. It's now "fed is best". Breast is best was putting too much pressure on Mums and they were finding a lot of babies were coming back in underweight because mums were trying soo hard to stick at the breastfeeding when it wasn't actually best in some cases.

Yeah Yeah, breast is best, but isn't it really just more important that baby is fed full stop.

In regards to breastfeeding mums though, I'm not sure that mums that formula feed can understand just how physically draining breastfeeding can be. I'm sure someone will take this the wrong way and say that formula mums get tired too, I'm not saying they don't. I'm just saying the fact is that breastfeeding is physically challenging and you don't have the option of letting someone else do the feed. People say "just express" but that also isn't always easy.

I think this thread proves your point op. Where on earth are the women supporting each other in their parenting choices?

A few posters have stated that not breastfeeding is lazy and that they managed it no matter what because that's best for their baby. Well that's great, well done, truest. I had a bereavement, two bouts of mastitis with one requiring hospitalisation, cracked bleeding nipples and a DS with a 95%tongue tie who fed constantly for 8 hours with no break. He latched beautifully and was gaining weight. I cried when a consultant told me to try putting him in at one point because the pain was so bad. Breastfeeding support locally was wonderful. I managed 11 days, am I lazy for giving in to formula after an agonising decision making process? I also expressed a bottle a day until he was 8 weeks, does that excuse me?

I know exactly what op means by feeling shamed, though to be fair that's not on other mums, it's mostly down to my own insecurity that I just couldn't do it. I think if I'd have carried on I'd have headed into pnd. I did breastfeed in public twice during my brief experience and I was met with support, which I was concerned wouldn't happen but I totally believe that breastfeeding mothers do face very real challenges when it comes to other people.

Yes breastfeeding cannot be replicated in terms of health benefits. However breastfeeding is not the best option 100% of the time if you look at a situation holistically. What you do with your baby (obviously I mean in terms of parenting choices not social responsibility to keep children safe) is your business, can't we all just conclude that we are all trying it best and love our children?

Someone upthread asked why, if women faced the same challenges, the breast feeding rates are 95% in Finland but much lower here.

I've been told by a Finnish friend that you can only get the pre-mixed formula there and not the powder and remember thinking that would make ff really expensive. I have wondered if the higher financial cost of ff puts people off.

I know posters live in lots of different countries so I wanted to ask.
What types of formula are available where you live and how much does it cost?

I'm in the UK. A box of powdered formula (which lasts about a week) costs £8 and 200ml premade bottles are around 75p each. I would need 7 or 8 of these a day.

First infant milk can't be advertised, but brands do advertise their follow on milks so I could already name the leading brands even before having a baby.

"It seems very tribal. If you are in a group where BF is the norm and you FF you feel like the odd one out and vice versa."

I totally agree with this.

DD1 was EBF until 6 months old. DD2 also EBF, but for complex reasons, via bottles (which I'm sure an observer would assume is formula, I probably would). So I've BF and bottle fed in public for months, and never had any comments on either. If I've ever felt anyone "staring" at me while bottle feeding (because the "tribe" around me is BF) I remind myself that they are probably just looking and not judging, and that I am projecting my guilt about not BFing onto them.

@ajw88 I also agree with you. In the UK there is an idea that you are pregnant for 9 months and then when baby pops out life should go back to normal as quickly as possible. Not just around feeding but also sleep - the old "baby in pram outside for a nap" idea.

The environment IMO is borderline hostile to establishing breastfeeding and there is no generational knowledge as formula has been prevalent for decades. My parents and DH's parents come from countries where most women BF and so our mums, aunts, etc. all have loads of advice to share. I have friends who are 100% British and they said even their grandmothers didn't BF so have no clue.

So it's not an issue of an individual woman and her choice, it's a societal failure.

In Sweden you used to only be able to get formula on prescription. Not sure about now. But that meant the vast majority of babies were breastfed (and/or expressed for) until 6 months.

@LoveManyTrustfew
Milky militia...
Of course no one shames EBF mums.

@F1annelsheets
So you had nothing to eat the whole time in hospital.
Couldn’t you go to the canteen, order pizza, nip to m&s simply food, get someone to bring you food?
How do you manage if child is sick at home?

@F1annelsheets

It's interesting how the maj of bfing mums around the world manage to do so on very few calories.Its only in the UK they need a gazillion calories every few hours to do the same job.hmm
So a BF infant should go without food to make you feel better?
From what you’ve posted your child is a toddler so bf mothers of children same age also won’t be fed. I can’t believe you’re so petty.