To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

This is such a sad thread, it pops up every couple of months on MN and always goes the same way.

Women should be supporting each other's choices as long as they're made when in possession of all the facts. Don't want to BF? Fine. Don't want to FF? Also fine. But please don't bash others' choices.

Also, whether you're BF or FF - don't assume people are judging you, it's really easy to let your own embarrassment/guilt/other feelings colour your perception. Truly, despite the weirdness of MN, most people don't give a shiny shite, they have better things to think about.

I always assume the “everyone is judging me for ff” is just rubbish spouted by those who know that bf is better usually, but just chose not to. That’s why they feel guilt.

If you really can’t see the irony in this, there’s no explaining it to you.

Children, like people with dementia and many, many other conditions, need people to care for them.

Most patients can be left for 10 minutes while you go and buy something. Speaking as someone who’s been with relatives with dementia in hospital, with a parent with terminal cancer in a hospice and with a small baby in a HDU. I’m not exaggerating when I say that the parents of the babies in that ward did not leave unless there was someone to take over for them. Nearest source of food a 15 minute round trip at the least, by the time you get off the ward and get back in. It’s not comparable.

I didn’t expect any food when my twins were in nicu because I could leave to get food any time. It’s very different with a baby in a paediatric ward.

See I do think a high majority of women could BF successfully if they had the right support (in a perfect world, this is a combo of family/friends who encourage and know the norms of BF, plus front line HCPs - midwives, health visitors, GPs - with BF training and the time to dedicate to issues, plus accessible specialists for anyone needing extra support - nb any one of those would be an improvement, which is probably why having friends/family who have breastfed is one of the most reliable indicators of success) but it's absolutely not a case of "not trying" if they don't have the support. It shouldn't be on the shoulders of a recently postnatal woman, maybe a first time mum who has never breastfed before, to seek out and evaluate whether the support she is getting is good or not!

As it stands, not only are women finding support is unavailable when they need it, but if they are offered support, many are given unhelpful advice/solutions to their problems which either don't work or can make things worse, and some who are happily going along BF with no issues at all can find themselves with issues created by poor advice or incorrect/misleading info they have received.

Imagine if we just left people who had broken a leg out to fend for themselves in terms of recovery? No physio, no list of exercises, no crutch. With an airy hand wave and "Oh yes well you'll be walking again in no time, just make sure you exercise." What exercises? Well you have to google it, but there's no consensus, and the NHS page just helpfully says "Exercise your leg every day, but not in a way which will cause injury". Or you can seek out a private physiotherapist who is only available once a month on the second Tuesday and isn't regulated in any way, and might or might not be doing this for profit. And if you ask your GP for advice instead of saying "I'm sorry, I'm not qualified to advise on this but I'll make you a referral to a physio straight away", they think back to what their nephew was advised when he broke his leg, and tell you to do that, even though it might be a totally different kind of break.

That's what our BF support system is like and it's no wonder people have problems and it's absolutely not their fault.

TBH I think that hospitals not feeding FF mums is a bit ridiculous. When I was in hospital with DS2 in Germany if a parent was staying in the hospital to care for the child they were fed. It's easier that way. It did seem to be the case that for older children or non-breastfed babies the parents took shifts, but then they weren't classed as "rooming in" so they didn't get food.

You’ve obviously not spent much time on overstretched children’s wards. Ime they differ hugely to adults. A parent does most of the care. Children want and need a parent there.Adults don’t generally have mum in. You sort yourself out or if too ill have a nurse.

A mother doing care isn’t a visiting relative.

And do shut up with your affront. I’ve just spent several days visiting my mil in icu. You’ll be relieved to know we bought food in and took shifts whilst we went to the canteen. We had a kitchen at our disposal and all mil’s nursing needs were handled by ICU. She also wasn’t hysterical st the idea of dh leaving her.

Yes but people pay health insurance in Germany which is a lot more than what we pay in our taxes and so they can afford to feed parents.

Why don’t people understand that the NHS is on its knees, and feeding a few extra people a day amounts to hundreds of thousands spent, which considering it can’t afford nurses to care for your ill children in the first place, shows how truly fucked it is.

I work on a watd for babies aged 0-2 and the whole “feeding breast fed mothers” is always bought up.

If w formula fed baby needs nourishment we provide the formula, if a breast feeding baby needs nourishment we feed the mother. I don’t understand why people find it so complicated or unfair?!

I’m pretty confident that my Trust spends far, far more money on providing formula to babies than it does feeding breast feeding mothers on the ward.

Yes the NHS is underfunded, what's new?

Hence why they can’t give out free food to everyone who demands it without a need? Pretty damn simple... or so I thought!

But your child wasn't a baby exclusively on milk from what you've said, flannelsheets. No mothers or carers of admitted toddlers are getting fed, because toddlers get the meals directly, so what are you angry about and what does it have to do with breastfeeding?

I think this is only an issue on MN.

I've never seen anyone be shamed or 'looked' at for BF or FF. just do what works for you and crack on.

But for what's it worth most people seem to FF so you're not in the minority.

Actually @F1annelsheets as someone who has spent a lot more time than I'd like on hugely overstretched children's wards, I absolutely wouldn't support them feeding parents, when they can't afford enough nurses. I do know how tricky it is when you are so hungry, but if it's a short admission, healthy adults can manage half a day with no food, and if it's a longer admission then there will definitely be time to pop to a vending machine, order something or I've had other parents take turns grabbing something local. Off the main point of the thread, but really this is not a critical issue compared with everything else going on with the NHS!

Have you not read the thread? It's been spelt out. And actually I have been in with an exclusively fed baby too. As I said I've experienced it from both sides of the coin. Both babies equally deserving of having me there when needed and actually the ff baby needed me more and was harder to leave.

It's interesting how the maj of bfing mums around the world manage to do so on very few calories.Its only in the UK they need a gazillion calories every few hours to do the same job.

Mothers should support other mothers in all (reasonable) parenting choices. That hasn’t happened on this thread.

I’m sure you’re right you’re not a nasty person usually @fourcorneredcircle but the posts you have made here display a nasty judgmental attitude. Well done for breastfeeding. Seriously, go you, you stuck at it and it paid off and that’s genuinely fantastic for you and your family. Translating that into most FF mothers are making excuses is very unpleasant. Look into the effect trying to bf and feeling unable to continue has on the mental well-being of these mothers and then read your post repeating “because breast is best” through their eyes. It comes across as smug and you needing to denigrate them and their parenting to validate your own efforts. It is dismissive of the hellish time some people have trying to bf, and how upsetting it can be to feel they have failed.

It’s great though that you demonstrated that those on the thread saying no one judges FF are wrong.

In the scheme of things which affect how good a start a child has in life, being ff or bf won’t make much difference to the particular child. It is perfectly valid to breastfeed or formula feed.

It's interesting how the maj of bfing mums around the world manage to do so on very few calories.Its only in the UK they need a gazillion calories every few hours to do the same job.hmm

Yeah, they’re all fat, greedy cows . And who’s shaming who?

Oh and FF mothers might need support knowing how to safely make up bottles, sterilise etc.

Infections etc from FF could probably be reduced if more people were shown how to do it safely, although I’m not suggesting this be at the expense of bf support.

The NHS is underfunded. But why just accept that, and ask which treatments we want to jettison, rather than demand more funding? We are remarkably supine as a nation.

@fourcorneredcircle

You have been so obnoxious on this thread..note not one person who is activly shaming for me asking a bloody question about feeding techniques has actually considered that i suffer from an illness that makes the logistics of BF almost impossible. I am not lazy and im discusted that you think its okay to suggest i made a choice based on my preferences rather than whats best for my son. I believe it is best my son has two happy parents who are of sound mind to make choices for him at all times. And before you all bloody start, im not saying tired bf mums dont do this, im saying that with my condition, i need as much sleep as i can to be the best i can for my son.
I defo did not see this thread taking off as much as it has but my goodness, for a group of people saying there is no judgement for feeding whichever way, youre very judgemental of someone having an opinion on and expressing their experience of feeding choices.
Also, all those saying im shaming bf mums.. im really not. As op states... i fully support those who breastfeed but because they are feeding their child, not because theyve chosen a breast over a bottle of visa versa

Not shaming anyone or callling them fat. Simply pointing out that all bfing mums don't need free food by default. Some ff mums will need food.

It's interesting how the maj of bfing mums around the world manage to do so on very few calories.Its only in the UK they need a gazillion calories every few hours to do the same job

F1annel what an absolutely disgusting thing to say. So women who are starving to death in other parts of the world is your argument against breastfeeding mothers getting a fucking sandwich. You nasty, odious person.

Oh do give over with your inflammatory language. I'm not referring to those starving but that the vast maj of those around the world who bf on a lot less calories than we seem to need even for a few hours.

And frankly what I find odious is that the mother of a critically ill emergency case baby is expected to have the presence of mind to pack a bag full of food but the mother of a bf baby going in for a routine few hours isn't.