AIBU to think this is a red flag/controlling behaviour - finances and OH

[olympicsbaby]

I'd really appreciate some sensible views please. My OH and I are considering selling our homes (he owns and I own separately) and buying a more suitable place together. He has slightly more equity than me but that's not the issue.

The issue is he has said several times he would like us both to write out/list exactly what our income and our outgoings are. I've said to him that my salary is x, my total credit card debt is y and my outstanding mortgage is z and that I am willing to borrow x amount. He knows if he asks me what is your phone bill I will tell him. I just don't see why I need to list out all my income and outgoings for him.

Of course when we go to the bank re a mortgage app we need to know our figures but I just don't see why he needs a total break down. I have nothing to hide btw!

I think part of the reason I'm hesitant is he has joked in the past that I could pay all my salary to him and he'd pay bills and invest and give me an allowance. He's also very money conscious and loves to save and invest etc. He'd said once before that when we live together/get married we'd discuss things like gym memberships etc to see what we can afford - I'm very independent and earn a good salary as does he and I told him that absolutely not! I currently live alone with my child and I pay for a nice gym and this will continue even when we are together! If we move to a new location yes I will be joining a nice new gym and I will not be asking him for permission.

The way I see it as long as neither of us in racking up debt and we both pay our half for the mortgage and bills we shouldn't need permission from each other for other things. Of course splashing out on a new TV or a car would be discussed but I don't want to feel like I cant spend my hard earned cash on a gym membership or whatever I choose.

If your partner wanted you to write out all your income and all your outgoings for them would you think it's normal or would you feel it's a bit ott? As I say, Ive told him my income, my mortgage debt, my total equity in my house and my credit card debt

I didn't see the issue with what he was asking at first but then when you mentioned his 'jokes' it made me feel really uneasy. I'm so glad you're strong and know you're own mind. Tell him the way it is and if he doesn't like it then he can fuck off.

Is he tight in general? Does he pay on dates 50% of the time? Nice restaurants? That’s the case, and he’s not trying to fob you off with the chippy when it’s his turn, tell him your money is your business, you are an adult and you will spend it as you wish and don’t want to explain yourself.

I think it's sensible to know each others exact financial circumstances and you should be doing the same. You're becoming financially linked so, whilst it doesn't make you liable for each others debts, one person with a bad credit history could pull down the other. You also need to be 100% sure of no skeletons in the cupboard as in a worst case scenario you could lose your home.

Him half-joking half-serious about taking control of your finances going forward is a completely different kettle of fish. If you think he's serious I'd tell him to fuck off tread carefully.

I would show him the finances if you have nothing to hide. But make it clear if he ever tells you that you cant spend your own money then your off .

How long have you been together?

Has he given you that list of his own incomings and outgoings?

Is he serious when he says he will oversee all finances?

Is that a growing feeling of disconcertion you are describing?

If so, why are you still considering hitching your financial self to him?

No problems with you both knowing what the others outgoings are and then working out how joint financeswould work.
When I was married we worked out expenses and put an equal amount into a joint account.The rest was our own.We were both savera,always knew how much each other had.It worked for us.
So yes you want upfront honesty about both your accounts but he does not control your finances,give you an allowance.You are his partner miran employee.See what he is proposing first though and sort this out before you buy anything with him.

If you think theres the possibility of him becoming financially controlling in the future then why not live in your own houses and only live together if your married.

I’d be asking why.
Discuss what gym memberships you can afford?
No fucking way! You’re not a child. I don’t think my husband (second marriage, very long terms independent ways of managing our own finances) would even have joked ONCE about managing our finances for me.

Bottom line - I would not move in with him until I’d had a very firm conversation about it. Sounds like he thinks he’s better than you with money and you could be walking into living with someone giving you “the look” when you buy microwave packet rice instead of a bag.

Apart from the jokes I don’t think the rest would be an issue for me.

Discussing what gym you can afford to pay for is, imo, no different to discussing any other financial commitment. Unless it’s a no contract membership, I think you’re committed like you are in a phone contract with most gyms? My understanding is he sees it as a household bill which will be coming out of the ‘joint’ proportion of money?

It depends though, if you mean he wants to discuss how you’ll spend ‘your half’ of the disposable income, then that’s different.

Him making a joke about investing and giving you an allowance is a massive red flag. He obviously doesn't agree with how you spend your money and wants to change it. All I see ahead is arguments.

The only fair way to do finances is work out how much household bills will be and both add in a fair percentage of your salary.

What if you want to redecorate a new house/get a new appliance/car and he doesn't as he doesn't want to spend the money?

he has joked in the past that I could pay all my salary to him and he'd pay bills and invest and give me an allowance

Christ, DO NOT DO THIS! Massive red flag and tell him it's not funny next time he 'jokes' about it.

Get a joint account which you and he play into to cover bills/mortgage/household expenses. Split it 50/50.

Personally I'd be questioning moving in together. Don't sell your place, could you rent it out?

Depends on whether he's doing it to budget and save money or take control. You show him yours if he'll show you his so to speak, and you discuss and agree on things. That's the difference between careful and prudent budgeting versus financial abuse.

It’s a big leap going onto a joint mortgage, he probably just wants to see what the risk is. If you have doubts though don’t do it, but if you are working and money gets paid into your account, he can only control it if you let him. We have a joint account but also our own which our wages go into and we transfer money for bills etc into the joint as just sort out big purchases etc as we go along.

Writing down your financial information sounds fine if you are about to get a mortgage together.

The stuff he is saying about you paying his wages to him is shocking though. Big red flag. Don't do this, whatever you do. Definitely get legal advice before you take out this mortgage, OP

Would he be as accommodating if you 'joked' about him paying his salary into your account, with you giving him an allowance?

I wouldn’t buy a house without knowledge/knowing about somebody’s finances, that’s 100% sensible you could have a gambling problem or anything

I don’t agree with the jokes

Have you ever lived together before? Starting down that’s road by buying a house together seems like a very big risk, especially when you have a child and he has such a questionable attitude towards your money.

Do you live together now?

What's his attitude towards you spending money on your Son?

All you need to tell him is your income and outgoing debts, not all of your spending.

Then discuss expectations about fuel use etc. I know a few Men who happily live in a cold house.

You both then get to spend your disposable income on whatever you want.

Is he in agreement about supporting your Son?

Tell him outright if you ever got together you would have full control of your own finances and contribute exactly 50% of all outgoings and 50% of a 'family' savings amount each month, one for fun and one for important savings such as emergency funds/maternity money if you ever plan on having another kid. And you expect him to contribute the same.

Beyond that tell him to fuck off OP, tbh.

'Investing' is just gambling by another name. Fuck that for a bag of chips.

I see VERY serious red flags, op. Personally, I don't think he's "joking" at all. He telling you quite clearly he expects to be in complete control of your finances once he has you backed in a corner. Please think very very long and hard before making any kind of commitment to this man.

Also if he's 'joking' about giving you an allowance etc then he's basically hinting at thinking you're crap with money.

That is a grim statement in general tbh. 'Give you an allowance' think about it. Seriously. He wants control of YOUR money and wants to tell you how to spend it.

Makes me feel nauseaus. I would fun for the hills.

Yes to both being honest and upfront with finances if going through a joint mortgage application. No to the jokes.

I think it's red flag controlling behaviour and wouldn't enter into anything joint with him!

I don't think you should write down everything.

I think you should write down your average essential and non-essential spends before you talk about getting a mortgage - surely it's only common sense to know what the total household commitments would be if one of you was made redundant or similar?

I'd be tempted to use that as a springboard for a conversation where you say exactly what you say in the OP.

Is he mean in day-to-day life?

I think you should rent together first. Keep your place and rent it out. I know that it will be more costly in the long run doing it this way if you decide to buy something together. And the income from renting your house out is taxable. However, it’s the only way to see what this man is really like. I’d be very uneasy about the joke tbh and wouldn’t be wanting to give up my independence just yet.