AIBU to think this is a red flag/controlling behaviour - finances and OH

[olympicsbaby]

I'd really appreciate some sensible views please. My OH and I are considering selling our homes (he owns and I own separately) and buying a more suitable place together. He has slightly more equity than me but that's not the issue.

The issue is he has said several times he would like us both to write out/list exactly what our income and our outgoings are. I've said to him that my salary is x, my total credit card debt is y and my outstanding mortgage is z and that I am willing to borrow x amount. He knows if he asks me what is your phone bill I will tell him. I just don't see why I need to list out all my income and outgoings for him.

Of course when we go to the bank re a mortgage app we need to know our figures but I just don't see why he needs a total break down. I have nothing to hide btw!

I think part of the reason I'm hesitant is he has joked in the past that I could pay all my salary to him and he'd pay bills and invest and give me an allowance. He's also very money conscious and loves to save and invest etc. He'd said once before that when we live together/get married we'd discuss things like gym memberships etc to see what we can afford - I'm very independent and earn a good salary as does he and I told him that absolutely not! I currently live alone with my child and I pay for a nice gym and this will continue even when we are together! If we move to a new location yes I will be joining a nice new gym and I will not be asking him for permission.

The way I see it as long as neither of us in racking up debt and we both pay our half for the mortgage and bills we shouldn't need permission from each other for other things. Of course splashing out on a new TV or a car would be discussed but I don't want to feel like I cant spend my hard earned cash on a gym membership or whatever I choose.

If your partner wanted you to write out all your income and all your outgoings for them would you think it's normal or would you feel it's a bit ott? As I say, Ive told him my income, my mortgage debt, my total equity in my house and my credit card debt

Doesn't sound like he was really joking. I don't think you should move in together. He seems like he has the potential to be quite difficult about finances.

I actually think it's sensible for both of you to sit down with a full breakdown of income and expenditure before committing to a mortgage. Otherwise how can you know what you can afford and/or how much of a buffer you have if your circumstances change?

But I find his 'jokes' very worrying. DH and I have different approaches to money. We kept our separate houses and separate finances and we've never argued about money. We both trust each other even though we save and spend differently. If your DP doesn't trust you then there's no way you should buy together. I'd reconsider the relationship too tbh

Personally I think you should rent somewhere together first. Rent out your houses and try before you buy.

Even without all the "jokes" I would not be buying a house with someone I hadn't already lived with.

He claimed it was a joke fo judge your reaction.
He wasn't joking at all.
Do not buy a house with him.
You will be very vulnerable if you do.

His 'jokes' are designed to test your reaction, I would be careful. Try before you buy first. would he be happy to give you all his salary, and for you to give him an allowance. Your are a financially independent woman, why should you be dependent on him. I would advise to keep a separate account and rent somewhere first, to see if it will work.

I’m assuming he has no debt whereas you do? The credit card?

If so and he’s a saver he’s probably feeling a bit uneasy at the idea of merging finances with you and worried about the debt you might incur in the future. Which is perfectly valid, and I agree you need full financial transparency if considering a mortgage. But the ‘jokes’ about managing money for you aren’t the solution. He has to trust you and you both have full financial transparency but you retain full control of all of your finances.

No no and no! Don't get financially joined with someone who 'jokes' that they want sole control of finances.

Me and Dp give each other an 'allowance' but that is a budget issue, both wages are paid into a joint account (which we obvs both have access to) and then we get out a set amount each month for fun spends. Don't confuse this sort of set up with one party getting all the money and giving a nominal amount to the other one.

I wouldn't be worried about the listing out of outgoings and incommings, that's just basic budgeting. You are focusing on the wrong thing here OP.

Take a step back, he isn’t really joking. Taking control of your income & expenditure is on his agenda. Why would he mention it otherwise?
Before too long he will have convinced you that you are “crap” with finances & can’t be trusted with your own money. I have seen that scenario repeated on here so many times. Don’t fall into that trap.

maybe he just loves sorting out money and making it work for him...

Yes, making it work FOR HIM sounds about right.

@garethsouthgatesmrs thanks for your concern. It's not ideal but my DH is very conscientious and trustworthy, he's just incredibly tight. It's a situation that I'm working on though as while I trust him with money, having less of a say in any joint money matters is dis-empowering.
OP, let me be a cautionary tale!