Regret renting our room to very noisy mum and child

[Us1945]

Hello everyone

So I am actually quite understanding and so is my family about this situation. Il be honest it is getting me down though, I would like your opinions on who is being unreasonable.

My husband and I live with his family, they have rented a house for 15+ Years and we have a good relationship with our landlord. We all live together renting a room each. It is a 4 bedroom house. So it’s currently my husband and I, his cousin and wife. We then had another two empty rooms. We decided to stay living here as it has become our home and right now we can’t all afford to pay to live alone. So house sharing saves us a lot of money. If the spare rooms aren’t rented, we cover the cost of everything. So realistically we need to share a 2 bedroom house rather than a 4 bedroom but because we’ve been here so many years, we just keep staying. I suppose we feel comfortable here. It’s always been family here however the brother has now moved out with his wife and got his own mortgage. Our cousin then moved out, so we had 2 empty rooms and no extra rent contributions.

We rented one room to a lady who is okay. She keeps herself to herself and we rarely see her.

The second room we rented to a lovely lady, however she has a 10 year old son...
We talked about this before and decided that it would be fine with us if they live here, the lady is lovely and she is tidy. She doesn’t have people around and we trust her.

The issue is her child. He shouts, screams and has a massive meltdown about absolutely everything. I think she is scared of him, he is 10! She never disciplines him and his horrible behaviour is giving me a headache constantly. Day and night he shouts, threatens her and it can be quite disrespectful in my eyes. Not once have I heard her try to tell him off. I think she should be telling him that he needs to be quite because other people live here too. We all have work, I wake at 5.30am and everyone else is up by 6.30am.

The bad behaviour comes at certain times, whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. He cries and screams like a baby. I heard him say to her last week “if you don’t give me it I will slap you”!!! Can you believe this?? From a 10 year old.

The noise is one thing but listening to the way he treats her is worse. She is too soft on him and I feel sorry for her. They have lived here for 2 months and it’s clear that she has no respect for us.

She doesn’t apologise for the noise, or try to tell him off. I can’t deal with the noise. He is so loud shouting at her constantly im sure the neighbors can hear him.

So like I said, my husband and his cousin obviously hear him too. They aren’t saying anything though. It’s me who wants to go and speak to her about it. AIBU?? I just want a peaceful house... weve lived here 15 years. The landlord doesn’t care, he comes around once a month however he leaves the house to the family to rent themselves or rent a room etc. As long as the place is clean, rent is paid etc, he is okay.

I can’t go and say anything to her because it would be like “hey your son is a disrespectful brat who needs to be told”

“ can you tell him to shut up I’ve got work in the morning “ that kind of conversation

What would you recommend?

Let it continue...
Move out to our own flat & pay a fortune in rent...
Ask them to leave...

I don’t think the others are as bothered as I am, that’s why I am asking for advice? They hear his shouting and bratty behaviour but kind of ignore it... should I too? I just hate noise... nothing worse than having to listen to someone elses kid being a brat. If it’s my own child that’s different but I don’t see why his behaviour should be affecting all of us too. He’s not my child, I work hard and deserve to come home to a peaceful house and relax!

She is renting a room.. not a flat.. not a house. So im reluctant to say anything to her as I get the feeling maybe she’s struggling. Who moves into a room with their 10 year old son? Is this common? Surely she should be living in a house, im sure she would get help with money or rent if she’s struggling. It’s all confusing but other than that, she’s very nice maybe she has some problems and she babies him and doesn’t want to tell him off.. who knows. She can raise him how she wants but she should have respect for her other house mates. AIBU?

Thank you

Im getting flamed on here im trying to agree with everyone and see all sides. Its not easy. Half of you say she shouldn’t be living in a room and then the other half say it’s life and benefit cuts are leading people to have to live like this. Which one is it? Should she be living in a room ideally no! Does she have any other options? Probably not. Do I care? No she is welcome here. She is a lovely woman however I just want her son to keep the noise down. I was asking for advice. Maybe I could chat to her and get to know her more and offer her some support. Or just ask to keep the noise down... I don’t know now. To be honest im not going to bother as clearly whatever I say here is wrong.

"My child has ASD and ADHD I sure as hell dont take crap from him"

My DD with ADHD would attack me. Many other Parents are in the same position.

Physically you can restrain them, but if they are verbally abusive, how exactly do you shut them up?

"Maybe I could chat to her and get to know her more and offer her some support"

Why would my you chat to her? You're sharing a house .

You're not getting flamed, you're just getting lots of different answers to your post, from different people. You can then decide which answers are helpful and which not.

She doesn’t chat! She only actually cooks or showers... other than that they are in the room or out for the day. She literally says hello how are you, smiles and seems a lovely quiet woman. Who may be scared of her sons behaviour or like others have said... perhaps she doesn’t want to tell him off because maybe he’s had a hard life... I haven’t got a clue im just guessing. She seems very quiet and definable keeps private. I feel like she doesn’t want to get into a conversation that might lead to questions. I haven’t got a clue

I think OP, the problem isn't this woman, or her DS, they are unlikely to have chosen this above a 1 bedroom flat - it's probably all she can afford/all she could fine. She is unlikely to want this to be a long term arrangement.

But it's hopefully made you think about your long term plans. This arrangement doesn't work for you anymore.

Time to think about finding a place of your own. You don't need to take the cousins with you, you and your DH find a flat just for you. (and a little distance away from where his family are might really help with those tricky relatives)

Maybe they have fled an abusive home and this is all they can afford. Maybe her husband was an asshole who abused them and now her son is copying what he saw at home and he thinks it's normal to treat people that way?

I have no idea really. I suggest chatting to her. She may need a friend or just someone who will listen. She maybe finding it all too much and can't discipline her child because she has become so scarred from a abusive relationship.

I am jumping at conclusions here. But she might appreciate and chat.

Wow. It's completely common all over the world and yes, even in the 1st world, for people to rent rooms and share homes. Especially in expensive cities. 4 family units/8 people in a 4 bedroom house with 2 bathrooms is hardly a hardship. But more importantly, it's none of anyone's business. There are lots of reason why people choose to live in less than luxury situations and not all of them are because of or result in them being miserable and suffering. I have always rented out rooms and the people who rented from me did so for a whole variety of reasons: people in transition, or saving to buy a place or some people (like me) who just like to have lots of people around.

My recommendation is to talk to the cousin and wife (if I understand correctly, they are in charge) and ask if it would be possible to find someone less noisy for the room and offer to help find a new person. I wouldn't go into your opinions of the parenting too much.

I think it'd be nice if you chatted a bit when you bump into her next, maybe have a cup of tea. House shares are far better when you get on with the house mates, it's depressing when you're like complete strangers.

Okay so basically people are saying she shouldn’t be here... so maybe I should ask the landlord to ask her to leave? Or we should be helping her and not judge her or his behaviour and encourage her to stay and open up about their life.

Which one is it... your all giving different opinions which is confusing because it’s not helping me. I came on here to ask about him keeping the noise down. Now suddenly I need to be worrying if they’re running away from an abusive husband or something terrible. I literally have no business getting involved in her private life. That’s my honest opinion. She’s not very chatty so I don’t know how to get the conversation going in the first place. Maybe she doesn’t want to tell us her life history. She seems quite private all is quite apart from the kid. He is noisy and she is quiet as a mouse.

SofiaAmes thank you for your lovely reply. It was very helpful x

Of course we're all giving different opinions. We all have different opinions. We're not an oracle, there is not one correct answer.

You don't have to worry about them if you don't want to; people were just suggesting reasons for their behaviour, as you were expressing how odd you found it.

OrdinarySnowflake Thank you hun, you are right. Im worried for her now and I will be a bit more understanding with things. I will look for a new place to live asap

It's definitely not ideal for a 10 year old and his mum to be living in one room - that's probably part of the reason for the shouting. However they have only 1 income and yo have 2 incomes so no more strange for them to be househaring than it is for a young married couple?

Maybe let her know the noise carries in a kind way but I don't know what you could do to help her other than looking into what support they might be able to get from the local authority housing department. I wouldn't bring up the fact you think it's her ineffectual parenting to blame.

Personally I would probably look into prices for renting elsewhere where house prices are a bit lower or try a different house share now that the dynamic has changed.

God, op, have you no decency? Talk to the poor woman. Ask her about herself. I’m sure she has no more desire to be living with you than you do to live with her.

It all sounds very frightening and insecure for her Stop being so flaming judgemental. Why’s she living there? Why are you living there? Why’s it ok for you to live there but not her and her dc?

It seems as though you're looking for an answer here, a solid answer isn't want a group discussion is for. It's to consider opinions, listen to points of view of contributors and then use that knowledge to form your own thoughts and solutions.

People are saying different things because that's how a discussion with many people works.

I suggest sleeping on it, seeing what your head and heart tell you through tomorrow and then make your decisions.

Poor poor woman
God it makes you think about life

I think you are being mean to even consider asking her to leave after afew weeks. Just awful.

Hope ll has house of multi occupancy insurance and got fire doors etc sorted. Re lady with son its ll who needs to deal with this. Sounds like theyve limited money. Why else would you live with strangers. Doesnt sound good set up. Save your money op and try and get your own house. Has ll told council house of multi occupancy.

Talk to the lady and ask her if she is aware that her son is quite noisy. She may not even realise the noise is travelling!

Or go and get another flat share elsewhere.

The thing is she seems perfectly fine... she’s always smiling and I actually didn’t suspect anything bad. I just thought maybe she was trying to save money. People I work with who are from the same country as her told me that it’s very common for them to rent rooms. Even live 4 people in a room to save money. So now im thinking maybe she’s choosing to live in a room to save money or send money back home to family. Theres 100 different options I haven’t asked her so I can only guess. I am intrigued now so maybe I will make more effort to get to know her... It could be all fine however she could be having a hard time and the childs behaviour is worrying. I feel she is scared of him... he’s either badly behaved or he has had a bad experience previously or he has adhd etc... I have decided to move out now. But until I find somewhere I will get to know her more and try to be a friend. I actually am worried now and I hope she’s not had a bad life but that’s the way it’s looking. Thank you everyone x

"It’s not a HMO (house of multiple occupancy) if the house is rented to family members, however loose the family connection (ie not blood relatives). So say, MIL, cousins, grandparents, stepchildren Etc."
It isn't, Op and family are not related to the landlord. It's an HMO and should be licenced. Maybe it is, but it sounds unlikely.

Easy to check, just look at the Shelter website. The reason it's a potential problem for Op is that if this comes to light, and the council decide to look at whether the property is suitable for the use that it's getting... and it isn't... then it won't get licenced - it's not rocket science.

There could also be s slight language issue if she is from somewhere else and her son has grown up in the UK speaking only English (?). It can undermine your authority if you can't express yourself as well as your child, they laugh at your mistakes etc. (Just as another possible explanation for her problems ... my children also speak the local language better than me, but fortunately I was always able to discipline them in English!)

Op, stop using 'rent' when you mean 'let'. Landlord lets, tenants rent.

Speak to the lady about her son's noise if it bothers you, she can ask him to tone it down. He might but might not.

Don't be judgemental about her living in one room with her boy, people do what they have to do. She may have been desperate.

Try to find somewhere else to live on your own. No-one is forcing you to live in a multiply occupied house. I sincerely hope there is more than one bathroom.

First of all it’s very normal in London
What single parents can afford market rent at minimum £1200 ? Not many

Secondly I would have a quiet word with her and explain the noise is really negatively impacting you - and ask if you can help in anyway

My guess is there are
More issues than we know here

But a quiet non threatening word as a starter for ten

And ignore the meaner posts . It’s very hard for everyone