To be frightened of where I live, do I need to toughen up?

[glitterandgold]

I am a single mum to a DD 2, and a DS 2 months. We live in a private rented flat in a rough area of a northern city. I come from a working class background, and where I was raised was hardly perfect and it had it's fair share of crime but it was nowhere near as bad as where I am now (same city, but different area). There was a sense of community where I grew up, a sentiment of "we look after our own" and everyone would rally around and help someone if there had been a robbery etc. It was mostly families who had been in the area for generations and knew each other. This current estate is a lot different, the crime rate is much higher and I am feeling very much alone.

I am not here by choice. Me and my ex partner were renting a lovely flat in a decent new build estate on the outskirts of the city earlier this year until we broke up as he had been cheating. My parents are both dead, and I didn't really have any family support. So I had to give up our new build flat as it was too expensive even with my part time job and child support payments from my ex. I was in a shitty situation financially and that's how I've ended up in the flat I am in currently. It's all I can afford.

I moved in to this flat when DS was 2 weeks. He is now exactly 2 months and my landlord is actually a decent bloke. He's sorted out any issues that have arisen within the flat (damp etc) and it is done up to a decent standard.

The problem is the area. Let's just say this estate has a huge gang problem and has been at the centre of few news stories that will be well known nationwide. I've probably already given too much away. A young lad was stabbed 2 minutes away from my flat a couple of weeks ago. It terrifies me. I don't go out unless I absolutely need to and I order my shopping online. I've only been out once this week to take DS to a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. On my 5 minute walk to the clinic with DS in pram and DD holding my hand, we were harassed by a group of teenage lads. They were throwing cigarettes and rubbish at the pram and saying derogatory things about me and DD. They called me a fat slag but even worse they were calling my 2 year old DD "sexy". I started walking faster at this point and tried not to acknowledge them (keep in mind there were about 10 of them and 1 of me with 2 young children, I was helpless) but they started climbing on to their bikes. Thankfully we were right near a corner shop so I took the kids in there and waited for about 10 minutes until I saw them leave. I managed to get to the clinic unscathed but I called for a taxi to take us home despite it being a 5 minute walk. This was because it was already getting dark by the time we got out of the clinic (thanks daylight saving time) and I was NOT walking through that estate alone.

I got out of the taxi with DC and got into the building, I got the lift up to the 2nd floor with DC and as the lift doors opened there was another group of about 10 teenage lads standing outside the lift. They weren't waiting to get into the lift, just loitering about. Thankfully they moved out of the way for me to get DC past. They were watching me though as I walked down the hallway to my flat.

They were there for another 4ish hours smoking god knows what (it def wasn't weed, I suspect crack cocaine) and shouting. They were so loud I couldn't put DC down for a nap. 3 days later and I've not been out since. I know it's not healthy for DC or me to be cooped up inside constantly with not fresh air, and DD has been bored to tears but I don't know what to do. If I could drive I'd enroll her in nursery so she could socialise etc but that would be a 10 minute walk in my current situation and I'd be walking down the road that a 14 year old got stabbed to death on on a little while back. DC have gone for contact with their dad this morning (Saturday morning) and I get them back Sunday evening. I miss them like crazy whenever they are with their dad but it's also a relief for that one night a week. Because I know he lives in an okay area and he will take them out safely.

It is so bad here. Even now just taking a quick look outside my window I think I can see a prostitute loitering around outside the apartment building. And a few hours ago there was a massive fight between two groups of teens. I'm glad DC weren't here to listen to that as I think the noise would stress baby out and DD would have been terrified. There have been times I've considered giving my ex full custody, which would absolutely destroy me but at least my kids would be safe and would be able to live a normal life.

My ex tells me I need to toughen up and go out for the sake of the kids, but I don't think he understands truly how bad it is around here. I'm not sure how much longer I can cope.

[IndigoHen]

How much is your rent per calendar month? If you can tell us which towns are around you we can suggest areas you can move to.

[StinkyVonWinky]

You sound amazing OP. I think from what you've said you are coping incredibly well in a horrible situation, and it is completely understandable why you should feel scared and intimidated because of the behaviour you've encountered and the situation in general.

I also wondered where your ex is now living, and why he is in a safer area and allowing you to live in a rough area. His suggestion that you 'toughen up' is appalling, and I am shocked that he thinks it's ok for his family to be living in fear.

I think you need to work out how much extra you need to rent in a safer area where you would feel happier, and talk to your ex about him paying the extra to ensure his own young children are safe. How would that play out with your ex do you think? Is he likely to support you to do this?

[abacucat]

OP I have lived in an area like this, although thankfully not with kids. Yes it is very scary, and others don't really understand. And the police are no real help in these kind of areas.

The only solution is to move. Move to a one room place - bedsit, if that is all you can afford in an okay area. Living where you do will have a massive impact on your kids and your own mental health. Living in a bedsit with kids would be hard, but at least if in an okay area you can take them out to parks, etc.

[WhentheRabbitsWentWild]

I feel for you, I truly do.

I had a terrible time at a maisonette I once resided in . In fact, it pushed me beyond endurance and my youngest DCs were young then.
Go to the doctor , OP, you may also have PND and your environment will not be helping it at all .
Re the apartment you left due to splitting . HE was the one who cheated, should be HE who moves out , not you and the children .

[IndigoHen]

If you are looking for something really cheap, move to one of the Asian working class areas in a few northern towns where rent will be really cheap and it will be very safe (no alcohol, drugs, gangs etc). Everyone just minding their own business.

[FeralBeryl]

Brilliant offer of help upthread, I just wanted to add, maybe have a chat to your landlord. He may well have other properties in a different area you could relocate to.
Or - if he's local, he may know the families of the horrid kids to go and have a word with.
I'm really sorry you feel scared in your own home, nothing worse.

[Patroclus]

Yeah I was going to suggest what IndigoHen said. Move into an asian area like Burley in Leeds. Cheap houses and old school community, nice people.

[FeralBeryl]

Can you tell us your city and rough budget? Honestly the work I've seen people do on here is nothing short of phenomenal with this kind of situation.
Also, if you're anywhere near me I'll happily come and drive you to a park. You're going to become ill if this carries on with you feeling imprisoned.

[Patroclus]

Tell your ex to get you a deposit together.

[anniehm]

Does your landlord have other properties elsewhere, they seem decent, not always the case, maybe you could get first refusal when a better area comes up. Only other option is going to the council but it's probably a waste of time. Shared equity on a new estate would be a good longer term solution

[NotUmbongoUnchained]

I doubt Op had a budget. If she could afford to move she would have.
I don’t have any helpful suggestions OP but I’ve been there before and it honestly sucks

[Zoflorabore]

Hi op, I'm another wondering if you're not a million miles away from my city, Liverpool.
I don't live in the best area but it is a bloody fantastic community, I've never ever been scared to go out, even late at night and can't believe that you're being what is essentially a prisoner in your home, I really feel for you and the dc.

This is not set in stone, you aren't tied to the property so must try and get out somehow, there will be a way.
If I can help in any way I will, I'm on the border of Liverpool/Knowsley and there are plenty of rough areas here and beyond but not one I can think of where the behaviours you described happen, absolutely disgusting.

Hope you and your babies are ok

[BanginChoons]

If you are on income suppor and tax credits you may be able to get a budgeting loan towards a deposit.
Do you live near a children's centre? As they may have a family support worker who can help and advise you. And also homestead as some one else mentioned. Please also speak to your health visitor.

[BanginChoons]

*homestart

[WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream]

Why is everyone assuming the OP lives in the North? She mentions the 14 year old that was stabbed a few weeks ago, that was in South London.

I live in a small town in the North East, there is a very low crime rate here and I feel very safe. There is a sense of community. Sick to death of stuck up southerners thinking the North is in a different fucking era.

[dontalltalkatonce]

So is your ex paying his share of maintenance? Or is he doing 50/50 custody of his kids so you can get back to work asap? 'Toughen up' and expecting you to put up with it at his convenience isn't enough.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Of course op has a budget otherwise how did she know she could afford the place she is in

[NotUmbongoUnchained]

wake because OP states isn’t eh first sentence of her post that she lives in a northern city.

[DishingOutDone]

Have we established if the OP is renting privately? If so can you apply to a housing association OP? If you could give us an idea of your area? Initially from what you were describing I thought you might be in London in which case moving out to Kent could help there are some good housing associations in the area. I am not suggesting you are in London but just to give you some ideas here is the Help to Buy South website with details of their alternative rental scheme which looks interesting:

www.helptobuysouth.co.uk/renting-options.asp

I wonder if there is something like this in your area?

[ChocBix]

Calm down wakeup, she said she was in the North in her OP

[NotUmbongoUnchained]

If she’s living to week to week she doesn’t have a budget. When I was single mum living in a shitty house I could afford to pay for that place with my benefits but I had no budget for anything else. Every penny went into rent and bills.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Oh it sounds awful, especially with young DC. My only advice if you can't move is stay safe, also usually there are good apples in with some ROTTEN ones. If you grew up there it may feel different.
I live in an ok area but lots of crime, some stabbings in surrounding areas. The surrounding areas are social housing and feel safer, around here most houses are rented usually to lots of male workers, who sit outside and drink vodka. I don't like going out at night it is scary. In my experience it is a few bad apples. I hope you meet a nice friend there, I am sure there is similar girls in your situation who just want peace for their DC.

If you are still scared and do not have parents to go too, Come to Dublin instead, stabbing is bad but it is not as casual as the UK yet.

[dontalltalkatonce]

The second line of the OP is that it's a privately rented flat in a northern city.

[DishingOutDone]

Doh sorry, I see you are in the North. Here's a similar scheme:

www.helptobuyneyh.co.uk/help-to-buy-schemes/rent-to-buy/

[worriedaf]

As shitty as I’m sure it would be, as long as he’s not dangerous or violent in any way, I would move back with ex until I sorted something out in a few weeks/months time. It’s his responsibility to keep his children safe.