to say no to school run?

[Nanaletti]

I'm 4 weeks PP. Usually do the school run once a week to pick up DSS, but my DD is currently quite demanding, I'm knackered, had zero sleep, she's attached to my boob 24/7 and the school run is 20 miles there and 20 miles back.

I'm really stressing about it but know that if I don't do it, DH will be stuck because he's at work.

I'm completely exhausted. WIBU to say no to doing it for the foreseeable future until DD is in a routine?

Yanbu, I wouldn’t be doing this! Totally different than if it was local. Dh really does need to sort after school club or something along those lines

Things changed here due to a new baby, I stopped the morning school run for a while

No one felt unloved, children get it, s/he’ll be fine

You’ve actually been very good to do it thus far

You do have options OP. It's all very well saying he doesn't get things sorted but that's because he's used to you stepping in and doing it for him.

He's currently more concerned about his healthy 75 year old Dad and not inconveniencing his ex than he is about the wellbeing of you and your shared new baby.

You're at the end of your rope already by the sounds of things so just tell him today that you're not doing it next week and it's not up for discussion, you'll let him know if/when you're feeling up to it again.

His job to sort an alternative. You are completely in the right and he's not taking you seriously so tell him what's happening and ignore any stropping.

The ex obviously doesn’t need to sort it or be involved- it’s not her custody day. OP I assume it is your husband you expect to sort this out and not DSS’ mum?

I'm still a bit confused... DSS is collected by you on a friday, I assume to come stay the weekend? You say DHs dad is taking him to school on a friday morning... so he stays with you a Thursday night too? How does he get to you on Thursdays? None of your posts make it clear where DSS is on which days?

@Caprisunorange no I'm in agreement with you. Why should she sort it out when it's his custody day? I wouldn't dream of asking her to do this weekly.

There are, what, about five (or six/) Fridays left until the end of term why can't your DH and his ExW sort something out for those days then you may well feel up to doing it again when the new term starts in January.
I don't think that would be unreasonable what would be unreasonable and even unsafe is for this considerable burden to fall on you at the moment. You cannot do it please just say so.

@youngestisapsycho sorry, on a Thursday he has swimming lessons half way between us and his mum so his mum drops him off on a Thursday evening. Sorry, didn't think that was relevant but yes he's here on a Thursday.

You certainly need to tell DH to sort out alternative arrangements.

This isn't even about what's "reasonable", it's about what's safe. And a two hour round trip when you're exhausted isn't safe for you, DD or DSS.

After school clubs need exploring, as do child minders, flexible working for DH and even DSS's mum picking up the slack, as it was her choice to move.

In a couple of months it'll be doable, but it's not now.

To be honest when I agreed to the school run they lived round the corner so I never technically agreed to this blood long trip anyway! I just carried on doing it before baby was born because it was never an issue.

I'm a mug basically.

But his mum has chosen to move which has to affect how things work, particularly with a new baby. Can't he go to his mum's after school on a Friday so his Dad can collect from there, just until you feel more up to the journey?

I think it would be entirely reasonable of you to ring your DH and tell him you are too tired to be safe to drive today, and that he needs to sort out something for tonight (place in after school club and/or he leaves work early), and then you can have a discussion about how to deal with this in the sort term, until you are able to take it on again (if you are happy to do so, when you are less tired and the baby is a bit older).

DH has now turned his phone off so looks like I'm doing it this afternoon and will just have to take it steady. It's my fault for leaving it so late. I'm in baby limbo.

clearly YANBU

his mum should have thought about this when she moved 20 miles away...

Why doesn't he add some hours on to other days and leave work early? Or agree with the ex-dp to collect DSS from her house after work.

The only thing your DH can do is rearrange his contact days. DSS is picked up Saturday morning and taken home Sunday evening by DH. If he can't do the school run on the Friday because of his work that's the only solution I think will work for you.

I'd talk to his mum about it and maybe see if there's a childminder who could step in for a few months?
The last thing you need is to be in a car accident because you're so knackered, to be honest. Two hours driving on no sleep is a lot. I think all new mums should be issued with a chauffeur!

DH has now turned his phone off so looks like I'm doing it this afternoon

Contact his mum. Explain that you can't get in touch with DSS's dad so you're telling her instead that she/they need to sort out the school run as you're unable to.

Congratulations on your baby. 4 weeks pp is tough. It can be a big change and it is early days for you. Be gentle on yourself, things will get better and life will settle down again.
I'm not sure what the solution is.
Could you ask to temporarily change the day you have DSS to your DH's day off instead?

Or could your DH take a few half days of annual leave?

Would DH's family cover the school run on your day for a few more weeks?

If people are not aware you are struggling, they won't be able to help. Admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. Has your DH any suggestions on how to work this out?

I stopped doing DSD's school runs after my baby because I had a section so my husband and his ex had to sort it out between them. We used after school clubs to solve the issue in the end.

FWIW my dad is 75 too and he wouldn't hesitate to do a double pick up for a few weeks until things are more settled. He loves picking up my son from school especially on a Friday.

Ask him to help out again.

@DarlingNikita I don't think it's my place to do that. They have a court order in place and I don't want to be the one that means it gets broken.

DH has now turned his phone off so looks like I'm doing it this afternoon

Fucking arsehole. This has enraged me on your behalf!

Yes, perhaps you should have spoken up earlier, but you've got a newborn, FFS!

He needs to have a new arrangement in place for next week.

4 weeks PP I barely knew my own name! My DS was similar to your DD

You are not safe to come and get DS - I would suggest that you get a message to DSS mother that your DH will collect in the morning