to say no to school run?

[Nanaletti]

I'm 4 weeks PP. Usually do the school run once a week to pick up DSS, but my DD is currently quite demanding, I'm knackered, had zero sleep, she's attached to my boob 24/7 and the school run is 20 miles there and 20 miles back.

I'm really stressing about it but know that if I don't do it, DH will be stuck because he's at work.

I'm completely exhausted. WIBU to say no to doing it for the foreseeable future until DD is in a routine?

@funinthesun18 when you become a steparent it is your business too.
The DSS is the her child’s brother! I’d do anything if I had DSC.
I have been a stepchild and my stepparents loved me and wouldn’t consider anything too much. My parents weren’t jealous. They all referred to me as their daughter. No “step daughter” as it isn’t necessary A child can never be loved by too many people. They never stopped doing stuff for me just because new siblings came along.
Imagine that poor boy getting used to his stepmum picking him up, probably looks forward to it. Now there’s a new baby she doesn’t want to do it anymore.

@ghanagirl plenty of sleep deprived BF feeding mothers who have more than 1 child! 😂😂😂
Using being tired and Bf as an excuse for pushing the child out makes you look like a real low life.

So you haven’t got a stepchild but you’re bullying OP, so if OP drives and has an accident due to exhaustion you standby your post

But she’s not pushing him out plus he has two other parents who could step up

@ghanagirl I’m not bullying her.
Mumsnet isn’t an echo chamber. She asked if she was being unreasonable...and she is!

Of course she’s pushing him out. Before the baby was born she would do it. Now the baby is born...she won’t.

I guess this thread just shows that some of us are a bit hardier than others. Fair enough.
Maybe first time mothers are a little more delicate that 3rd, 4th time around.
I confess that I am most bemused by some of the comments that precede this but then we are all different.

Sarahrellyboo1987, my partner has been doing most of the morning school runs since we had our youngest who is now 7 weeks old. I’ve been absolutely exhausted. My children don’t feel any less important because Mummy suddenly isn’t taking them to school as much because she has a baby to feed. They understand. There is no reason why the op’s DSS can’t understand too.

I am a stepchild too and have been since age 11. I have always thought my parents had primary responsibility for me over anyone else.

YANBU. You need to be able to feed on demand and it’s far too long for a newborn to be in a car seat once you’ve done two round trips.
DH and DSS’s mother will have to make other plans.

Its not a case of wont..its can't. Its a safety issue. It won't be forever. Dss mother decided to move further away so arrangements need to be made to alleviate the stress on the OP. Its this kind of thing that can cause an exhausted new mother to be depressed, lack of sleep coupled with guilt dumped on them from uncaring thoughtless people. A child will understand if someone sits down and explains the situation. Plus OP is a first time mother of a baby..
My dss stays here less than once every month..the rest of the time he visits fot the day over the weekend. I had to ring his mother and explain he can not stay for a while over night, as my 20 year old was virtually homeless and need a bed for maybe a month or so, we didnt have the room to house them both, its not a biggy he only lives up the road less than 15 min walk. His mother tried to moan and complain, to me that seems highly selfish that i would be expected to see my child out on the street for the sake of maybe a night or 2.
I see this the same, everyone apart from OP and the Dss has been pretty selfish and not really thought about the impact on a sleep deprived breast fed on demand new mother.
I mean Dss could be in the car if an accident was to occur due to tiredness, maybe chat with Dss mother if you get on OP.
I would be refusing for the time being until you feel more able to cope

I've recently had a baby and totally sympathise with how exhausted you are!! I'm on 4 nights in a row now with barely 2 hours of broken sleep. I also have 2 older DSC.

I do not think you should be driving for that long with a new born. All safety advice is that a new born should not be in a car seat for longer than 20 minutes at a time plus your exhaustion makes you a danger to you, your baby and other drivers! If there was an accident you would get done for dangerous driving!

Making alternative plans is not unreasonable and I am amazed that your DH has not done so with his ex (who chose to move the child so far away). It is his and his ex's responsibility as they are his parents.

I cannot believe people are giving you a hard time and accusing you of pushing your DSS out!! That is ridiculous!! You sound like a lovely DSM who always includes DSS. If you werent you would never have offered to do such a crazy school run in the first place, which people on here choose to ignore.

I had a responsibility of helping drive a family member and I gave that up for all the reasons I said above, but my DH supported me 100% for the reasons above. Didn't mean I stopped living my family member!!

Doesn't matter if it's once a week. What if by the time your turn comes around you have barely slept for nearly a week and can barely function and you have an accident!! All it takes is one road trip!! So easy to fall asleep at the wheel. I'd be explaining the safety issues with DH and tell him DSS has to go to after school club (which is not unreasonable) until things have settled down. He should be taking some of the slack off you after giving birth, not making it harder by refusing to look at short term alternatives.

Children are not stupid, you could easily explain the situation to DSS and make the after school club sound fun, which it is! Then he gets extra quality time with his dad on the way home then gets to be very involved with the baby at home, plus it's only for a short term while you find your feet, especially as a new mum. How is that being pushed out?????

I did read somewhere that guidelines say young babies shouldn't be in carseats for that long. Its not safe for the baby or Dss. Explain this to Dh and dss mother.

First priority is safety. With 2 children in the car, do you feel safe to drive a journey that long, especially if you haven't been sleeping well. Is there someone else that could do it for you just gif a few weeks.

I hope your DM welcomed you with a cuddle, understanding and sympathy . Hope you're soon feeling a little better and less sleep deprived . You sound a lovely mum and caring stepmum .
Hugs

I wouldn't do it. It's dangerous to knowingly get in a car and drive when you know you're overtired. I also wouldn't put a baby in a car seat for that long. Let his mum and dad sort it out.

An orange and a glass of milk wouldn't satisfy my primary aged DS at 4.30pm
You have no context of what else he'd eaten and OP said DH was due home imminently. The baby was s reaming for a feed having been in the car for an hour.

My daughter goes to a school 15 miles away. Not a big deal or uncommon
If you choose to get behind the wheel when you are utterly exhausted with two kids in the car then frankly that's not being a good mum. Both kids have a DAD. He is quite capable of stepping up. This isn't OP does it or the kid spends the night in the school yard!!

*Poor DSS is clearly going to be pushed out by the new baby
Honestly, are you projecting now? op has done this run for months. Now she's exhausted and her dick of a DP turns off his phone because he can't be bothered but OP is the evil wicked witch. Right.

Even if you accept the argument that OP is a stepparent and needs to parent both children the same... her DH is also a parent to both children!

It seems that all the expectation is all on her, when actually it should be split between them in the best way for them as a couple... which might mean paying for after school club and DH doing some of the pick-ups while she's in the exhausted-brain-fog stage.

Using being tired and Bf as an excuse for pushing the child out makes you look like a real low life.

No it does not Sarahrellyboo1987. My sleep deprived nephew (has a newborn too) had a near miss whilst driving on the freeway. He closed his eyes for a minute and went into the next lane. Fortunately there was someone else in the car who started talking to him to keep him awake the rest of the trip. He was endangering his passengers, himself AND the passengers in the cars in the next lane.

With so many safety messages, I thought that everybody would know by now that you shouldn't drive if you are exhausted.

Poor DSS is clearly going to be pushed out by the new baby
Actually, it's DSS mother's fault if DSS is adversely affected by things now. She chose to move an hour away with no consideration for how the extra distance would affect his time with his dad and OP.

My daughter goes to a school 15 miles away. Not a big deal or uncommon.

Do you drive her there whilst so sleep deprived you are worried that you will fall asleep at the wheel and cause an accident? If so then frankly you are a terrible terrible mother. Do you not give a shit if you kill your poor daughter? If not then your point is completely irrelevant.

I would say no for now as it does not sound safe. Killing yourself to meet everyone else’s needs is not the way to go. I suggest After school club or care until Dsd can do pick up

I think your DH needs to be told very straight that things need to change.

How are you today OP?

Is it possible for him to stay at weekend instead of a school day until you get into a routine. And catch up on some sleep..

Hope you're getting some much-needed sleep, OP. So many people saying Grandad can do the trip twice. Why should he? He's 75, he'll be probably tired too and it's not his responsibility. He says yes because he was asked, he loves his GS, and feels obliged. Two journeys a day of that length are too much. And it's 2 hours when the traffic is good. It's up to OP's DH to sort it out. If he tramples all over you now OP, when you have a new baby, when will he support you? And for those who say he doesn't know what it's like to have a new baby, what about DS1? Obviously didn't help out with him either!

Where does your husband work? He sounds very unreasonable and selfish and you seem to be acting like a chattel. It is his responsibility and most of not all organisations will behave reasonably about his need to leave work early or get in late to organise this. God this makes me cross. It’s one of the reasons that women have less career potential than men because they take on such a majority of childcare arrangements. Speak to your husband and get him to grow a pair and deal with the situation. Is the ex won’t then he needs to.