AIBU potty training nursery

[AriadneAnemone]

DD is 2.9 months and still in nappies. She is supposed to be moving up to the 'big' room at nursery nearer her 3rd birthday and her nursery have said they don't do nappies in the big room. They told me to bring in trousers and nickers to nursery next week so they can start getting her used to using the toilet and "of course she will have accidents but she is ready".

I expressed that I didn't think she was ready and manager was adamant she was.

Reasons I don't think she's ready - refuses/cries when put on the potty or toilet, has never yet done a wee in the potty when we have had a go at training in the past few months (she is at nursery 3 half days, so we have most of the week to ourselves to do this), and doesn't tell us when she has wet herself or her nappy.

She might say "oh, look, wee" if she hasn't got a nappy on and gets wet knickers and leggings, but it doesn't bother her, iyswin? She won't ask to be changed out of them. Similarly with a poo/wee nappy, she isn't bothered about sitting in it. She doesn't show any interest in potty training at all. Even when the potty is right in front of her and she only has knickers on (and we've practised pulling up and down and she can more or less do that herself), she will just wee herself, and then the next time the same, and the next, and when we ask her to use the potty next time she needs one she just says "no" and has even picked up her potty and thrown it before out of frustration.

Therefore I just don't think she's "there" yet but the nursery are telling me that she is, and the tone of voice they use with me and expressions makes it seem like they think I'm being neglectful or holding her back, but I don't think it's fair to send her in to nursery when she has never successfully used a potty, just for her to wee and poo herself. She doesn't seem to know when she will wee?

What do you think? Are they being unreasonable to tell me I need to do this right now? I was waiting for the signs of readiness that my family nurse told me to look for, and I don't see them yet.

She won't sit on the toilet while I read a book or while she watchs TV for example, and even with a reward chart she is not responding to that the same eagerness she did with tooth brushing chart - she hasn't got one sticker yet because she won't use the toilet I feel awful, like the nursery are looking down on me for it when I thought I was doing the right thing in waiting.

Just train the child. Unless she has special needs she’s plenty old enough and you risk missing the developmental gap when she’s most likely to succeed. You can’t do hit and miss, you’ll confuse the poor child. You need to parent and drive the learning by setting a few days aside to crack using the lavatory.
Hourly sitting with rewards for success. Nice knickers, no fuss about accidents. No return to nappies.

Don’t under estimate ‘peer pressure’- in the sense of wanting to do what others do. What is the harm in giving it a go, apart from a basket of washing? If it’s the kind of place that will force a screaming child into the potty, then I’d not send her at all. If it’s generally a nice place, give it a shot??

I would probably read Oh Crap and give it a go beforehand tbh

After her shower at night, we noticed she was weeing on me when she sat on my lap to have her hair dried/combed, so we started putting her on the potty after the shower in hopes she would accidently wee in there and we could praise her etc... But she stopped weeing when we put her on the potty after shower instead of my lap!! as if she holds it.

They don't do nappies in the big room?

Wow how about focusing on a child's individual development. Would they be saying the same if a child had disabilities?

At that age I'm sorry but I think you are being U. When are you planning on starting it? She will probably be better training at nursery where she sees other kids doing it.

How are they proposing to train her if she won't sit on the toilet? My very bright dd refused to have anything to do with potty training till nearly 3.5 then declared she was done with nappies and that was that. Forcing them before they are ready just means a half trained child that you'll constantly be changing which is no fun for them or you!

She won't respond to the rewards for sitting though, she simply refuses . We leave her for hours with no nappy on and she just repeatedly wets, and when we sit her on the potty she doesn't wee at all.

I guess I'll just see what happens but she doesn't seem to know when she needs to go and all the health professionals told me to look for signs of readiness like "telling you when they are wet, telling you when they are pooing" etc and she has never done those

At that age I'm sorry but I think you are being U. When are you planning on starting it?

When she showed me she was ready, which is what my family nurse practitioner told me to do

I don't see the harm in them giving it a go, she might respond differently in a different environment

Without any additional needs she won't be able to go to most school nurseries without being toilet trained, so you can't leave it past then anyway

They don't do nappies in the big room?

Wow how about focusing on a child's individual development. Would they be saying the same if a child had disabilities?

I don't know? I think it's because the "big room" is upstairs and the toddler room is downstairs with the nappy changing area.

Without any additional needs she won't be able to go to most school nurseries

She isn't going to a school nursery, she was going to stay at this nursery until she goes to Reception

If they want you to bring spare clothes and pants next week does that mean they're going to start trying before she moves into the big room? If so then her friends and others in the room will still mostly be in nappies, so copying her friends might not even be an incentive.

Everyone has to make their own call so I hesitate to say YABU, but... in my experience they don’t really “show readiness”. You just go for it, they wee and poo all over the floor for a few days and then like magic it gets better and they are trained. Persistence and chocolate buttons help.

So I would probably go for it! I am not convinced it gets easier as they get older...

Our baby does things in nursery (like feed herself) that she refuses to do at home. Personally I'd let them try.

Never potty trained either of my younger two. They both asked to have underwear when they were ready between 3 and 3 1/2. No accidents ever, no potty, no staying in the house for days.

Having worked in a nursery, I often came up against the opposite, a child suddenly arriving in pants when they aren't ready and cue accident after accident. I feel you OP, she's YOUR child and it's up to you.

Have you tried going back another step, and simply noting wet & dry? With hands, for example, when washing and then drying. I know she probably already notices this but this really helped my niece. And taking her to the loo with you, not getting her to do anything but seeing how it works? I remember my brother being insistent my niece had to follow me into the toilet!

Ignore people here who say you should just "do it" - she's your child. So what if she goes up to the "big room" a month later than her peers? (if it takes her some time to get it and she doesn't move up) Who gives a solitary. Potty training has got zero to do with intelligence. Kids get it when they get it. My nephew was 3.5 - who cares! Good luck to you.

Not all children "show readiness" unless this includes coming back from reception saying "hey mum, why am I think only one in nappies". Tbh she sounds perfectly ready, just not bothered. Why not let them have a crack of it as she's obviously not cooperating with you.

She can’t simultaneously stop and hold it when you put her on the toilet and not have the control to know when she needs to go.

A lot of what you’re describing sounds like behaviour rather than not being ready. If that’s the case, you might find that nursery get somewhere when you haven’t. Kids can act differently in different settings.

I'd be annoyed too. I think they should move at the pace of the child. And I think you know your DD and whether she is ready. She's not even 3 yet... it used to be you didnt start potty training until they were 3.
But if they want to try then it won't do her any harm for 3 half days right?
And you never know, it might work....

She'll train when she's ready. There's no magic age where it just works.

Is she interested in getting pants etc. My dd started by getting excited about Peppa pig pants although it was a couple of weeks before we actually started training. Just went totally no pants and dealt with the messes. Stayed home for a few days.

You'll know in the first few days if she's ready. Make it exciting. Chocolate buttons for getting it in the potty. Songs and dances. Rewards charts, surprises, whatever motivates her.

If Nursery are that adamant that she's ready then it won't hurt to let them try. Just send loads of clothes and shoes.

Ask her about the kids in her room. Who has a nappy and who uses the toilet. Get her thinking about it.

Good luck.

What’s the harm in giving it a go. If she doesn’t respond to it then put the nappies back on. I think you are overthinking it tbh.

I would let them try OP. If she isn’t ready it won’t work but if she is then great. But at if she is able to hold it then usually that’s a sign they are ready.