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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU potty training nursery

119 replies

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 08:33

DD is 2.9 months and still in nappies. She is supposed to be moving up to the 'big' room at nursery nearer her 3rd birthday and her nursery have said they don't do nappies in the big room. They told me to bring in trousers and nickers to nursery next week so they can start getting her used to using the toilet and "of course she will have accidents but she is ready".

I expressed that I didn't think she was ready and manager was adamant she was.

Reasons I don't think she's ready - refuses/cries when put on the potty or toilet, has never yet done a wee in the potty when we have had a go at training in the past few months (she is at nursery 3 half days, so we have most of the week to ourselves to do this), and doesn't tell us when she has wet herself or her nappy.

She might say "oh, look, wee" if she hasn't got a nappy on and gets wet knickers and leggings, but it doesn't bother her, iyswin? She won't ask to be changed out of them. Similarly with a poo/wee nappy, she isn't bothered about sitting in it. She doesn't show any interest in potty training at all. Even when the potty is right in front of her and she only has knickers on (and we've practised pulling up and down and she can more or less do that herself), she will just wee herself, and then the next time the same, and the next, and when we ask her to use the potty next time she needs one she just says "no" and has even picked up her potty and thrown it before out of frustration.

Therefore I just don't think she's "there" yet but the nursery are telling me that she is, and the tone of voice they use with me and expressions makes it seem like they think I'm being neglectful or holding her back, but I don't think it's fair to send her in to nursery when she has never successfully used a potty, just for her to wee and poo herself. She doesn't seem to know when she will wee?

What do you think? Are they being unreasonable to tell me I need to do this right now? I was waiting for the signs of readiness that my family nurse told me to look for, and I don't see them yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:05

If they want you to bring spare clothes and pants next week does that mean they're going to start trying before she moves into the big room? If so then her friends and others in the room will still mostly be in nappies, so copying her friends might not even be an incentive.

Yes, this is what they are going to do. They have told us to get rid of all of her nappies at home as well at at the nursery. There are some of her class that use potties/toilet seats. They said from now until about March they will be doing her, so hopefully she will be trained by her move to big room. It seemed like they didn't want to give me a choice tbh.

She sees me on the toilet all the time, she knows what the potty and toilet is for, I've taught her how to pull-down and sit on the potty, and she will pull knickers down and sit on it sometimes when she's in the mood and say "wee wee", but it's pretend, and she just has never done one in there. At least it's winter so she's not missing out from staying in until she's not wetting herself multiple times...

OP posts:

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:06

What’s the harm in giving it a go. If she doesn’t respond to it then put the nappies back on

They said not to. They said get rid of them all

OP posts:

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:08

She can’t simultaneously stop and hold it when you put her on the toilet and not have the control to know when she needs to go.

I said it seems like she's holding it, I don't know if she actually is holding it. She seems to just wee when she wees, I only thought it might be possible she is holding it due to weeing on me but never the potty, so idk really if she is holding it.

She's never told me she needs a wee or poo.

OP posts:

Jeezoh · 16/11/2018 09:09

All mine trained at 3 and a few months and none were ready beforehand. I’d refuse to let them do it, you’re her parent and get to decide this. Sounds like they’re doing it for their convenience which shouldn’t be the driver!

Thishatisnotmine · 16/11/2018 09:09

I would leave it a couple of months. Maybe get her some books (Princess Polly potty training etc) buy her some new pants and start to talk about it. Explain that soon she will try pants at nursery, she could try sitting on the potty like her friends at nursery.

We were in the same situation with dd1 when she was about 2.8 and I wasn't sure she was quite ready. She held in wee like a trouper until she lay down in bed with a nappy on. Annoyingly she had been dry over night for ages but then she was only weeing in her sleep. It went on for about 4 weeks and then she just got it, in a day. I think if we would have left it a month it would have been much less stressful.

She also withheld poos and this continued for about 9 months, she refused to even go in her nappy. We needed lactulose, she wouldn't poo for over a week at a time, then the pain would put her off even more. It was awful.

All children are different - my experience will not be the same as mine - but if you really do not think she is ready then wait a bit. A couple of weeks can make all the difference. And if you are stressed she will pick up on it.

slappinthebass · 16/11/2018 09:10

I think YABU. Signs of readiness like asking to be changed, wanting to use the potty of their own volition, and being bothered by accidents are all fabricated by disposable nappy companies. Go on their websites and you will see those signs of readiness listed there. None of mine could give a flying duck about those things yet were all out of nappies by 2.5. They learn by you taking away nappies completely, catching something on the potty yourself, heaping on the praise, and not going back to nappies. You haven't tried yet.

WinterHasRuinedMyFace · 16/11/2018 09:11

If she’s 2 years 9 months already, don’t read oh crap - there’s a whole chapter in there devoted to telling you how wrong you are for not having done it by now... I think you’ve probably reached the age where it’s a battle of wills - persevere and you’ll get there. Sounds like she’s ready, but just doesn’t want to.

Thishatisnotmine · 16/11/2018 09:11

Also, nursery did go with a relaxed approach. When she did have an accident they would pop a pull up on to try again later or another day.

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:11

Is she interested in getting pants etc. My dd started by getting excited about Peppa pig pants although it was a couple of weeks before we actually started training. Just went totally no pants and dealt with the messes. Stayed home for a few days.

Yes, she already has about 30 pairs of knickers and we are going to take her out to choose some Peppa pig ones - she already has a Peppa pig potty that she chose herself

OP posts:

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:12

Also, nursery did go with a relaxed approach. When she did have an accident they would pop a pull up on to try again later or another day.

Nursery said they do not have pull-ups and I'm not to send them in

OP posts:

Brainfogmcfogface · 16/11/2018 09:14

I understand how you feel OP but my DD never showed the “signs” she was ready, and did all the things yours does. I chose a day and got rid of nappies from then on, spent a week indoors and literally just focused on using the potty, it took 10 days but by the end of it she was fully using the potty and only had 2 accidents whilst out (both in the car seat when we just couldn’t get to a loo in time) and I did day and night at the same time. If I’d waited for her to do what the books say to show she’s ready I’d still be waiting at 4.
What I will say though is don’t start and stop, if you’re going to do it commit, I know a few people who tried and went back and it took a very long time to get their kids nappy free.

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:16

Also, she does know wet/dry very well. If you sprinkle her with water you get "don't get me wet!" And if she steps in a wet bit on the floor "Oh, I've got a wet sock" but nothing when it comes to wetting/pooing herself. Which is a bit confusing for me tbh

OP posts:

KumquatQuince · 16/11/2018 09:17

I can’t believe that the nursery are telling you how to parent! Ordering you to get rid of nappies at home! It is them who are BU in my opinion. Children are ready when they’re ready.

Having said that, I did have to force it a bit with DS who was 3.1 and I was heavily pregnant. I wouldn’t normally advocate her, but I did the Gina Ford book and cracked it in under a week.

It may be that DD needs a little push. Or maybe that she really isn’t ready. But you know your child best. Sounds like you have 3 months, can you tell nursery to leave it for a bit and you’ll have a go at home, maybe at Christmas if you’re at home and have got spare time?

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:18

Can I just say thank you for all the replies and the help, I might sound like I am not taking anything onboard, I am, I am just trying to respond to any questions etc

OP posts:

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 16/11/2018 09:19

It seems unusual for a care provider to be dictating the potty training start and not you, but on the other hand there's a lot of power in peer pressure, so if your child is in a room with other children all using the toilet then it might be a fantastic way to start. Why not be positive and give it a go, and if as you predict she is upset by it and not ready, take it up with them then.

Dahlietta · 16/11/2018 09:20

I accept people saying that some children don't show 'readiness', and it's worth trying it, but the OP has done this and her daughter has shown that she is in fact NOT ready. I'm with you, OP. We tried to potty train DS and he just weed everywhere, wouldn't sit on the potty etc. We just put him back in nappies and tried again a month or so later. When he was ready, he was ready!

IceRebel · 16/11/2018 09:25

My biggest worry with the nurseries response would be if you begin sending her in pants and it doesn't seem to be working, then they will be very resistant to her going back into nappies / pull ups. It sounds like from their comments they would just push on and keep trying to get her to use the toilet / potty, which could be more damaging than waiting.

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:27

This happened to my little sister, and carried on into primary school.

OP posts:

NannyR · 16/11/2018 09:28

The main sign of "readiness" that I look for is that they are doing bigger wees, more spaced apart, rather than lots of little ones, if that makes sense? So you might change a nappy and an hour or two later it still feels dry then they do a big wee. I agree with pp, that they don't always show readiness by wanting to use the potty or disliking having wet and dirty nappies.
I tend to leave it till 2.5 years (ish, depending on the individual child) and if I feel they've got the physical skills - can get themselves to a potty or toilet, pull pants up and down, they are showing signs of having some control over wees, as in more spaced out wees, and have good understanding - they know about wet and dry, they've been to the loo with adults and know about wees going in the loo, then I explain to the child that we're going to stop the nappies and just go for it.

Original poster

AriadneAnemone · 16/11/2018 09:30

@IceRebel

Yes, that it my concern too, that they are so adamant about it that they will persist even if it is clearly not the right time. I worry that if I tell them that this isn't working and I think she needs a bit longer or whatever, that they are going to really look down on me.

OP posts:

BertramKibbler · 16/11/2018 09:32

Nursery are being unreasonable. You’re her mother and obviously know her best. Plenty of children don’t train until they’re 3.

At 3.2 my son decided he wanted to wear pants and he was potty trained immediately, we have had no accidents. He would just take himself off to the loo as and when he needed it.

A child isn’t potty trained if they’re still having accidents and need constant prompting to use the toilet, as lots of younger children are.

slappinthebass · 16/11/2018 09:33

I'd be annoyed too. I think they should move at the pace of the child. And I think you know your DD and whether she is ready. She's not even 3 yet... it used to be you didnt start potty training until they were 3.
But if they want to try then it won't do her any harm for 3 half days right?
And you never know, it might work....

Where did you hear this absolute nonsense? Waiting until 3 is a very recent thing. Most children used to be potty trained by 18 months.

OP you say you are confused she doesn't notice being wet, they can't feel being wet in disposable nappies.

IceRebel · 16/11/2018 09:36

slappinthebass it's not just about noticing she is wet in a disposable, Op said this in her first post.

if she hasn't got a nappy on and gets wet knickers and leggings, but it doesn't bother her, iyswin? She won't ask to be changed out of them

DahliaDiver · 16/11/2018 09:38

Personally I think they do it when they’re ready, with encouragement from you and seeing the example set by their peers. My child is a similar age and of his friends, the ones that have succeeeded at potty training had got to the stage where they were interested and wanted to do it, so it was quick. This is more common at 3 than 2.

In contrast the kids that were trained before they showed readiness are still having accidents months onwards, and I think you also risk putting them off and giving them a complex about it. I much prefer a no pressure approach but I get that sometimes you have to do it earlier to comply with nursery.

Bumpitybumper · 16/11/2018 09:46

@Lindtnotlint
Everyone has to make their own call so I hesitate to say YABU, but... in my experience they don’t really “show readiness”. You just go for it, they wee and poo all over the floor for a few days and then like magic it gets better and they are trained
I had the complete opposite experience with my DD. She resolutely refused to even sit on a potty until suddenly (when she was 2 and a half) she declared that she wouldn't wear nappies again and she never did. She may have been physically ready beforehand, but I honestly think she wasn't mentally ready to commit to potty training and when she decided for herself that she was then we had very few accidents and she cracked it without resorting to bribery. It was obviously easier for me to not push her early on because we hadn't experienced the mounting pressure that kicks in when your child approaches three and they still aren't trained, however I truly believe that there is such a thing as readiness with lots of children and when they are ready it will make potty training easier and less stressful for you and your child.

I also have friends that have children that probably never would have shown readiness though, so I do accept that each child is different and sometimes there are situations where parents need to force the issue. As OP's DD is still young, I'm not sure if she has reached that stage yet and I personally would give it a bit more time in the hope that her DD will naturally come round to the idea.

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