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Original poster

To not want DH to retire

140 replies

SaucySpider · 14/11/2018 18:55

Don't get me wrong, I love DH dearly and enjoy spending time with him now the children have moved out. However he is currently semi retired (working 5 half days a week) but wants to completely retire so he can 'spend even more time with me'. Lovely sentiment that it is I'm not sure I am ready to have him at home full time yet. We are only in our late fifties. Am I being really selfish?

OP posts:
DeltaG · 14/11/2018 20:15

Assuming from your opening post that you are not in employment...

Yeah, what a selfish prick he is for wanting to retire from working to keep you and spend some more time in the house he paid for.

Some women are so fucking entitled and bone-idle, it's astonishing.

Dottierichardson · 14/11/2018 20:25

OP the feelings you're describing and the concern over the adjustments it will entail are so common, especially for women, that there is even a recognised term for it 'retired-husband syndrome', it's an acknowledged problem/source of stress for older couples and if you google it, you will find a number of articles and suggestions on how to deal with it. Here are just a few links to start you off:

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11048659/Retired-husband-syndrome-why-wives-get-depressed-when-their-other-halves-stop-working.html

www.avogel.co.uk/health/stress-anxiety-low-mood/retired-husband-syndrome-and-what-we-should-know-part-1/

www.gransnet.com/relationships/how-retirement-affects-marriage

startsat60.com/lifestyle/relationships/retired-husband-syndrome-the-strains-of-retirement-on-your-marriage

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/things-wife-of-retired-husband-would-understand_n_7421950?
guccounter=1&gucereferrerus=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrLw&gucereferrercs=WyvyjdB6ClyssvnmOFMA4Q

Nenic · 14/11/2018 20:31

I can’t imagine hating to be with my husband all the time. Why be married?

bluegirlblue · 14/11/2018 20:33

@DeltaG

Assuming from your opening post that you are not in employment...

Yeah, what a selfish prick he is for wanting to retire from working to keep you and spend some more time in the house he paid for.

WOW, I don't even know where to start with this one. Hmm

The house HE paid for! Confused

As for your last statement......

Some women are so fucking entitled and bone-idle, it's astonishing.

Projecting much? Wink

bluegirlblue · 14/11/2018 20:36

@Nenic

I can’t imagine hating to be with my husband all the time. Why be married?

Wink
To not want DH to retire
nokidshere · 14/11/2018 20:39

Not being ready to spend 24/7 with your partner does not equate to hating them, stop being so dramatic.

There's going to be lots of unhappy people at retirement age if you are not ready to address the fact that this is a huge life change for both parties and needs to be talked about and discussed. No-one actually knows how their partner will respond to not going to work everyday and it's a fact that many men suffer depression and struggle to find new focus.

I just asked DH how he is feeling now it's getting closer and he says he has some feelings of trepidation having known nothing else all of his life. Hopefully we will support each other and not bury our heads in the sand.

Portillista · 14/11/2018 20:40

XH was retired, and I was a SAHM. Note he is my XH.

Singlenotsingle · 14/11/2018 20:43

I'm retired and DP works 3 days per week. It works fine. On the days he's home he potters round the house while I go out and spend time with ddil, or mooch round town. Sometimes we go out for lunch together. When (if) he finally retired, we want to travel more. Maybe we get on better than OP and her DH....

Walkingthedog46 · 14/11/2018 20:44

A friend, on anticipating her husband’s early retirement said (tongue in cheek) that she had married him for better or worse ........... but not to have him home for lunch!,

Itsnotmesothere · 14/11/2018 20:51

I'm basically a sahm, not a particularly efficient one sadly but my gentle routine with DS works for now. If my husband is off work, I do a bit more cleaning than usual while he amuses DS. I try to keep same routine but it just isn't. I don't know what happens but everything goes the window. I embrace DH's presence, of course but it takes ages for my routine to get back on track once he's back at work.

Long story short: I do understand where you are coming from, OP. However, if you don't already have a job, you could get one or volunteer

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/11/2018 20:57

DH and I have both worked from home for many years (separate offices because apparently I distracted him).

We retired a couple of years ago (early fifties) and it's been absolutely fine. We both have our own friends and hobbies, but we do lots of stuff together too. At home, sometimes we hang out together, sometimes we do our own thing. No dramas

DH is my favourite person to spend time with anyway; surely that's pretty normal?

Oblomov18 · 14/11/2018 21:00

People are being too harsh on the OP. Just because you are happily married, you don't necessarily want to spend every second joined at the hip.
And this is a period of adjustment.

I have worked part time since having kids and love being home alone.

LightastheBreeze · 14/11/2018 21:01

Fortunately DH has got lots of outdoorsy hobbies which he is hoping to do when he retires in a couple of years. He does tend to pace a bit like a caged animal if he isn’t doing something but I think he will be quite busy off cycling, fishing etc when we are not doing stuff together. I do like my space though so totally get what OP means

nokidshere · 14/11/2018 21:05

DH and I have both worked from home for many years (separate offices because apparently I distracted him). Which means being at home together isn't such a huge jump for you since you already have been for many years.

We retired a couple of years ago (early fifties) and it's been absolutely fine. We both have our own friends and hobbies, but we do lots of stuff together too. At home, sometimes we hang out together, sometimes we do our own thing. No dramas. I expect this is what everyone would like to aspire to but for some that will be easier or harder.

DH is my favourite person to spend time with anyway; surely that's pretty normal? Surely that depends on the state of your marriage?

Jux · 14/11/2018 21:08

Like any major change, this will take adjustment. Make some plans now which could help it along, whether that's some sort of routine (like going out for brunch once a week), or finding some volunteering, or he hoovers you dust etc. Run it all by him, as that will let him know what sort of thing you're expecting and may concentrate his mind on what would be involved in the reality of his retirement.

WitchesHatRim · 14/11/2018 21:10

I have worked part time since having kids and love being home alone.

Well all very well and good however if you were the OP it doesn't mean that your DH should have to not retire just so that you can enjoy being home alone.

LightastheBreeze · 14/11/2018 21:13

OP. Has your DH got any hobbies that he is looking forward to doing more of when he retires,

HicDraconis · 14/11/2018 21:27

I think you're being very selfish, yes. I work full time currently and DH is a SAHD / works part time from home. We've both said that we are really looking forward to a time when I can cut my hours down and then retire so that we can spend more time together. DH loves me being at home with him and I love being there - can't wait for retirement so it can happen more often!

I'd be very upset if DH wanted me to continue working because he wanted our home to himself during the day more often.

Aroundtheworldandback · 14/11/2018 21:32

As the saying goes.. married for life but not for lunch! I don’t work so I would love my dh to retire- unfortunately he loves his work too much.

halfwitpicker · 14/11/2018 21:33

Op? Still there? Yoo hoo?

bluegirlblue · 14/11/2018 21:35

@SaucySpider

Yeah where are you OP? Lots of people on your side here!

halfwitpicker · 14/11/2018 21:36

married for life but not for lunch!

^^

Yessss.

I work with a lovely sickening couple who bring in their lunch in a single Tupperware and two matching plates. She lovingly serves last nights leftovers between them.

Oh no no no.

halfwitpicker · 14/11/2018 21:37

Some women are so fucking entitled and bone-idle, it's astonishing.
^
Hang fire on the vitrol, op is still awol

Barbie222 · 14/11/2018 21:39

Why don't you go out, if he bothers you? Just get on with what you normally do around him and see what he ends up doing? Be clear about your own boundaries about shared time and solo time quickly, and he will probably fall into the routine you want without even realising!

Lovinglifemostly · 14/11/2018 21:48

My FIL retired after being a workaholic and eating out with clients many times a week. My MIL had a shock when he retired. He expected her to be there all the time but she had her own life. Volunteering with families and looking after the grandchildren. After a while they finally got a routine sorted that suits them both and FIL got his own hobbies. They are very happy now. FIL can make his own lunch and dinner now too !