Page 2 | To not want DH to retire

nokidshere · 14/11/2018 19:10

Haha lots of replies whilst I was typing mine.

When you think about how little time we spend together as couples it's only natural to worry about the future.

DH is 65 and I am 58 so potentially we have another 20 yrs together. I think people who are not near retirement age can't really get to grips with how big a life change it is. It's not about not wanting your partner there, it's about how you can live together 24/7 for the next 20yrs and still have a really good quality of life, Both together and apart.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/11/2018 19:11

I rather suspect most of you are missing the point here. Even if you have loads of activities that get you out and have rich and fulfilling life, if you are used to your DH being out all day, every day and are used to having the house to yourself it is a thought to think about having to share it constantly. A lot of adjustment will be need on both sides i would think.

mrsmuddlepies · 14/11/2018 19:15

I think it is hard for women who have never worked and regard the house as belonging primarily to them. i'm a bit shocked at the poster who doesn't want her husband to retire because she likes to lie on the bed and play on her i-Pad. Equality or what?
I retired a couple of years after my husband and he enjoyed having the house to himself for a few years but there is no way that he would have encouraged me to work and not retire just so he could enjoy the luxury of a house to himself.
OP, you are very unreasonable.

keepingbees · 14/11/2018 19:17

Some harsh responses on here! I think depending on circumstances it's a big lifestyle and routine change and it's natural to have some reservations.
I think it's what you get used to OP but make sure you both have some plans and make space for each other to still have your own hobbies and lives.

TheBigBangRocks · 14/11/2018 19:22

Go to work then and let him have the same luxury you've had.

Seems weird you married someone you don't want to spend time with.

3timeslucky · 14/11/2018 19:26

What jumps out at me is that he "wants to completely retire so he can 'spend even more time with me'. I'd feel pressurised/clausterphobic by that sense that I had to be everything to him. If he wants to retire to do things he has always wanted to do, then great. Do you have separate interests that you can both continue to pursue? I love my dh but I don't want to spend 24 hours a day with him for the next 30 years. I need time on my own.

Zofloramummy · 14/11/2018 19:28

My dad worked until he was 67. Mum was at home from her forties due to ill health. She couldn’t wait to have him retire. They were at each other’s throats for the first 12 months .
These days he has built a massive shed down the bottom of the garden and is planning his fantasy model railway. Mum has full control of the tv and they’ve carved out a social life together. It took some work and there are still days they both moan about the other one as soon as they are out of ear shot! But all in all they settled to antoutine and are happy.

If either of them were physically fitter I can imagine they would have more fulfilling lives and time away from each other pursuing their own interests and generally be a bit more content.

muchprefersummer · 14/11/2018 19:30

YABU for not wanting him to retire especially if you're retired/don't work.
YANBU to have some time for yourself and not wanting to spend every waking moment with him. I suggest letting him retire and you either work, volunteer or find independent hobbies a few hours a week.

thereallochnessmonster · 14/11/2018 19:31

I get where you're coming from. dh is 10 years older than I am and wants to reture. I'm like, 'No! You'll be under my feet all day' (I work from home).

It would really change the dynamic of our relationship. I'm not ready for that either.

Sympathy.

Melamin · 14/11/2018 19:34

What jumps out at me is that he "wants to completely retire so he can 'spend even more time with me'.

Me too. Sounds worse than a toddler.

nokidshere · 14/11/2018 19:36

Seems weird you married someone you don't want to spend time with.

This is such a stupid statement

I like spending time with dh. I like spending time by myself. We both enjoyed working.

But having children, full time jobs, sporting commitments, friends, family, colleagues is in no way comparable to us both being in the house for the majority of our time. And it's not about huge things, it's the small things that make a difference.

I like my own company, I'm happy to sit and read a book in silence. DH is a "doer" he can't sit still for five minutes. He likes constant noise from the tv or the radio. I have coffee with breakfast then maybe a cup of tea in the evening, he has 10 cups of coffee a day and constantly asks me if I would like one. I like to plan things, he likes to do things which means he creates chaos as he goes because he is always doing more than one thing at a time. There are other things too but what it will mean is that we will have to find a way of us both being comfortable at home and accepting each other's differences.

All of these small things can be overlooked or tolerated when you are separated for most of the week but they won't magically be fine when you are home all day every day together. It's all very well planning with rose tinted glasses the nice things that you are going to do together but it's the small, niggly everyday things that will cause the problems and there is no point ignoring that fact when you are planning retirement.

I'm looking forward to growing old with my very lovely husband, but I'm not daft enough to think that, initially at least, it will all be plain sailing.

InfiniteVariety · 14/11/2018 19:36

My DH retired 2 years ago and it's great - we do a few things together but still plenty independently of each other. We have a 2nd home and sometimes he's at one and I'm at the other because there's currently renovation work going on. What are your reservations?

Dottierichardson · 14/11/2018 19:38

OP ignore the harsher responses, apparently it's now a sin for people to admit that they don't want to spend their lives in each other's pockets!

I know people who've been in this situation - not just early retirement but redundancy, both working from home and so on - some of whom ended up divorcing...but I also know people who've made it work, these seem to be the ones who acknowledge that they need space and that time apart with different experiences can actually enhance a relationship. You need to talk about this, set clear boundaries, arrange some outside hobbies on alternating days...as well as some joint activities. It's the people who don't confront these things or wait until resentment build up that seem to have had the most difficulties. I love my OH but if he was under my feet all the time or vice versa we would be driven mad, regardless of whether we both worked at home or similar...we have some mutual friends, some we see separately, some joint hobbies and some again that are entirely different. It means that when we spend time together we have lots to talk about, we get time to miss each other, and we appreciate the time we spend together. We both like our space I don't see anything wrong with that.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 14/11/2018 19:39

Why are some people assuming that they are going to be spending every waking hour together the moment he retires. Wanting to spend more time together does not mean being joined at the hip. I’m sure he has his hobbies and interest that he would like to pursue as the OP does. The idea that he should not fully retire just because the OP likes her own space is astonishingly entitled and a bit sad.

Pemba · 14/11/2018 19:39

When has the OP said she doesn't work?

SillySallySingsSongs · 14/11/2018 19:40

OP ignore the harsher responses, apparently it's now a sin for people to admit that they don't want to spend their lives in each other's pockets!

No it's not.

It is extremly hypocritical however to want someone to keep working when you don't.

Huskylover1 · 14/11/2018 19:41

You don't have to spend 24/7 together! My DH works shifts and I work from home....on the days he isn't at work, apart from a morning walk, we spend the day doing our own thing, but always come together at 7pm for dinner and spend the evening together. But we do have quite a big house, so I guess that's easy to do. You don't sound like you like him very much?

Fatted · 14/11/2018 19:42

I understand where you're coming from OP. DH and I are no where near retirement age but we've always been the type of couple to do a lot of things independently as well as spending time together. We've lived together for 13 years and for most of that time one or both of us has worked shifts so we've always had days without the other around.

I remember about 5 years ago I was doing training and DH and I both worked the same hours for a few months. We fought constantly because we weren't used to being around one another all the time and it took a while to adjust.

I've gone from being part time working evenings to full-time working in the day and the one thing I miss about it is having the house entirely to myself for a couple of hours in the day. Not that I did much in that time apart from housework, but it was peace and quiet!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/11/2018 19:42

Wow Taco deleted? Mn becoming a snowflake...

Miscible · 14/11/2018 19:44

I've known of people being driven slightly mad by having a newly retired partner hanging around the house bored to death and trailing around after them all the time like a clingy puppy. It really only works if each partner gives the other some space and makes sure that they pursue their own interests as well as seeing more of the other partner. If or when DH and I ever retire, I suspect we still won't see that much more of each other than we do now, as we'll simply give more time to the interests and voluntary activities we pursue now.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 14/11/2018 19:45

Wow Taco deleted? Mn becoming a snowflake...

Yep, a bit pathetic deleting that post.

AnnaMagnani · 14/11/2018 19:47

I hear you OP.

My parents retired around the same time and nearly killed each other. My DM was looking forward to finally having the house and garden the way she wanted it, getting things done, going out, and having time for herself instead of work, children, other people.

My DF wanted a rest and to spend time with my DM.

He hung about her feet all day like a bad smell and eventually I think the rows could be heard from space.

It took about 2 years and nearly a divorce to sort it out.

rslsys · 14/11/2018 19:47

I'm retiring at the end of December.
DW has been sounding out other partners of retirees to see what to expect.
Her favourite response so far? "Twice the husband and half the income"

Notacluewhatthisis · 14/11/2018 19:50

Easy you go to work, do charity work anything to be out of the house.

bluegirlblue · 14/11/2018 19:52

@Apolloaanddaphnew

I rather suspect most of you are missing the point here. Even if you have loads of activities that get you out and have rich and fulfilling life, if you are used to your DH being out all day, every day and are used to having the house to yourself it is a thought to think about having to share it constantly. A lot of adjustment will be need on both sides i would think.

This. ^ No matter how much you love your husband, the thought of being with him 24/7 sends shudders down the spine of many women. As has been said, women often have their house to themselves a lot, as they are more likely to be the homemaker (or work part time.) So many of them don't want their husband there all the time.

It's common for women to become depressed when their husband is at home full time - and it really does get some women down. It's very hard adjusting to him being there all the time. Especially as many men seem to like it, and think it's great to be together all the time, and many women need more 'me time.'

The OP is being given a hard time on here, but she only has the same fears and worries as many other women.

As for the 'you go to work then!' comments. Don't be rude. The OP has probably (like most women!) worked just as hard to look after house and home and family over the years, as her husband has in the workplace.

I love my husband very much, as many other women love theirs, but would I want to be with him 24/7? No. And I do wonder how I will cope when we ARE both retired, because he occasionally drives me batty, when he gives me a running commentary on everything he is watching (when I am trying to read or concentrate on something,) and he fact that some days he follows me around like a bloomin' shadow when I am trying to do something!

Thing is, HE is looking forward to us retiring together, so we can spend lots of time together, but I don't actually WANT to spend 'lots of time' with him. More time I don't mind, but not ALL our time! I need time to myself, and with my friends, and other family.

I guess I will cross the bridge when we come to it in 20 years or so. Don't get me wrong, I love him, and will do some activities and travelling with him, but have no intention of spending all my time with him. I'll go nuts!

He has had 3-4 months off a couple of times over the past 20 years - having an operation, and 3 months between jobs - and by the end I was ready to throw myself in front of a train - (or him!) He was driving me up the wall! It's not normal (IMO) to be with the same person 24/7.

Anyone who says they can't WAIT for their husband to finish work so they can 'spend lots of time together' - good luck with that!!!

@3timeslucky

What jumps out at me is that he "wants to completely retire so he can 'spend even more time with me'. I'd feel pressurised/ claustrophobic by that sense that I had to be everything to him. If he wants to retire to do things he has always wanted to do, then great. Do you have separate interests that you can both continue to pursue? I love my dh but I don't want to spend 24 hours a day with him for the next 30 years. I need time on my own.

Yeah this. ^ I find the posters who think it will be great to be with their husband 24/7, way more weird than the ones who say they need time away from him sometimes. I find if very odd when couples are together all the time.

@miscible

I've known of people being driven slightly mad by having a newly retired partner hanging around the house bored to death and trailing around after them all the time like a clingy puppy.

Yeah this too. ^ The only thing I would change about that statement is 'I've know WOMEN be driven slightly mad by their newly retired HUSBAND hanging round the house.' It's very rare that it will be the woman hanging around bored and annoying the man. Far more likely it will be the man who is annoying the woman.