To not want DH to retire

[SaucySpider]

Don't get me wrong, I love DH dearly and enjoy spending time with him now the children have moved out. However he is currently semi retired (working 5 half days a week) but wants to completely retire so he can 'spend even more time with me'. Lovely sentiment that it is I'm not sure I am ready to have him at home full time yet. We are only in our late fifties. Am I being really selfish?

No further comment from the OP or 'drip feed' to show how you're not being U? Personally I admire it when an OP stays to defend their position, even if they're clearly being U. (Maybe that's because I like a bunfight too much lol.)

I'm not sure I am ready to have him at home full time yet. We are only in our late fifties. Am I being really selfish?

Yes.
If you don't want to be around him more then YOU need to be out of the house more often/find hobbies.

I think an issue with a lot of couples if that while they retire and the women is busy with friends, hobbies, childcare for grandchildren and doing the majority of the house work. The man has few or no friends and no hobbies or interests at all, so he is hanging around under the women's feet with nothing to say, and that would get annoying.

This describes my dad and many men his age since retirement. He has nothing going on at all, except he does do the house work. When I chat to him and say "what have you been up to this week" he answers "nothing" and means it literally.

My DH is a long way from retirement but he is also the same. If he isn't at work, he is at home sitting around. He never goes out ever. So when he is off work, he can go a week or more without leaving the house, except maybe a quick supermarket shop.

If you don't want to be around him more then YOU need to be out of the house more often/find hobbies.

Yes but there's only so much one person can do, it would be better if both people would try to keep busy.

My DH is retiring in 2 weeks at 60. He has worked for the last 40 years in stressful jobs that have kept us going. I have worked on and off, but have had in no way the stress he has. Whether I don’t want him ‘under my feet’ is irrelevant. He is lucky we are in a financial position he can retire at 60 and he should go the first day he can and enjoy it. It is utterly selfish to expect your husband to carry on working just so you don’t have to have him ‘full time at home’. Selfish and self indulgent beyond belief to the man you ‘love dearly’.

Couldn't agree more with @butteredghost

My DH is the same. He works full time, and when he is off he does nothing. No hobbies at all - just watching tv. I have to FORCE him to do anything, like going for a walk or out to the pub. He is so lazy and unmotivated! I do love him and care about him, and we have some laughs and watch movies together, but he is very unmotivated, and needs a kick up the arse to do anything. When he does it he enjoys it though!

But yeah, he also has no friends, very little family - all live 100's of miles away and we rarely see them, and when he retires, he is gonna be there all day, sitting in front of the tv from 8am til midnight! I have many hobbies and friends and am never bored. But he does nothing, except work, and the things I try and get him to do. Not great I know. I think he is too long in the tooth to change though!

But does it really matter if he does nothing? Up to him surely? I know it must be somewhat frustrating for you, but it is up to him.

@LeMesmer

Will be interested to see if you feel the same about your husband being around you and under your feet 24/7, in 12 months time!!! (After your judgemental and scornful post up there ^ !!! )

Not everyone is the same, and you don't love your husband anymore than me or anyone else loves ours, just because you are looking forward to being joined at the hip.

Imagine how different many of the responses would be if the genders were reversed.

Bluegirl you may be right😃. DH has been working at home for the last 3 months so I have had a taste of it. We aren’t joined at the hip (yet) and I don’t think I love him more than anyone else may love their DH. I just think it is very selfish to say that we can be at home, enjoy certain things , then when our husbands/partners have the opportunity to do that we complain about it, and it seems deny them the opportunity to do it. Surely after they have worked for years they can enjoy being at home, whatever they want to do.

I’m actually looking forward to DH retiring, all those hours, days, weeks missed when he was working away. It is not being joined at the hip, it is enjoying each other’s company when we choose to. It is recognising that after all the years of work he can relax and enjoy a stress free life. We probably will be joined at the hip as you put it as we enjoy each other’s company and we have never been able to spend enough time together for years, but I know not everyone is like that.

Come on OP - we need to know more detail - like your working hours, etc.
Like if he has been enjoying his job these last few years
Like if this leaves you financially insecure or if you are comfortable enough to be able to do this and maintain the lifestyle you both want
Like what both your plans are for the next 30 odd years, in terms of keeping yourselves occupied
Like if there are any grandchildren on the horizon
Oh and so many more factors that impact on how I'd feel about dh doing similar.

I can't believe there are all these men without hobbies, DH has loads which take him out of the house, can be annoying at times when the garage and shed is full of his bikes and fishing stuff and the house is home to all his photography and running stuff, not to mention his camping gear. He will be retiring soon at 60 and I imagine the pile of hobby stuff will get bigger and I probably won't see him much more than I do now.

Obviously we will do stuff together and hope to travel more and we will go out in our caravan more, I am already semi retired so looking forward to it.

My DH's dad retired at 65 and was dead less than a year later. My dad finally retired at 69 having worked like a dog since he was 14 and 6 months later has been diagnosed with the incurable big C.

I plan to retire with my DH as soon as we have enough money to do so - before he's 50 for sure. I want to maximise the time I have with the man I love because really, what's the f*ing point of working all your life if you can't enjoy the time you have with your loved ones? You never know what might happen OP and I've learned that the hard way.

I’m not sure if my DH feels the same still, but at one point, a few years ago, he told me he’d never properly retire. I hope he does. I’m looking forward to us both retiring (we are quite a long way off) so I can boss him about all day, mildly scold him and take the piss out of him.
I remember a time when we were so busy and knackered with a new born and a little one and we were in the kitchen preparing another tired meal together and one of us said to the other, “this is hard work, isn’t it?” And the other said, “yes, but think of the travelling we’ll do when we retire”. It kept us going through a hard time and I’d be devastated if we didn’t make it to that point in our lives together.
Make some plans together to do stuff you really wanted to do but didn’t because work got in the way.

I agree with Hot. Make some plans to travel if you can, try to focus on something positive. It will be a period of adjustment but you will be fine.

My Grandmother retired early (at 60) in the late 90’s so she and my grandfather (who was 8 years older) could spend some real time together and enjoy their older years. He had been in the forces and spent much of their marriage abroad for long periods of time.

He died the following year. It’s been 18 years and she still hasn’t come to terms with the time together she feels she was robbed of.

I would give my right arm for my partner to be spending each and every day with me.

Sadly he passed away in May so that will never happen. Be very glad for the chance you have to enjoy life together.

YABU.

My dad did this to my mum and it’s cruel, he deserves to retire as well, and realistically, what’s going to be different in a year or two anyway? How would you feel if it was the other way round?

Op said he wants to retire so he can spend even more time with her. That would unsettle me, too. He's not asking for time in his own house, but time with her. That's different. If the time he's at work is the only time she gets to herself then she will worry about him being with her every waking minute.

Op, tell him he can retire whenever he likes, but that you will need some space to yourself. If your house is big enough, you could have separate sitting rooms for when you want to be left alone.

How many who think it's a lovely idea to have DH in your company 24/7 rush to spend every available minute with their over 60s DGP or DF. Would they really want to always be in their company listening to their opinions?
I didn't marry Victor Meldrew but my God I live with him now. Grumpy, critical, ranting about /politicians/other car drivers/ potholes .... and as for online banking/power suppliers etc they are the evil problem makers from hell.
Our marriage survives by us being apart as much as possible now he is retired (thankfully we have varied interests).

At the end of his career, my Dad was a director of a leading hotel chain. His idea was not to sit in his ivory tower but to get out there, meet the people that were doing the day-to-day work in the hotels. He would end up doing 60hr weeks, away from home, driving around the country and trips abroad.

When he retired at 60 after working over 40years, he was very, very tired. Those days of doing bugger all, maybe pottering around in the garden, walking the dog, watching some old movie on tv or reading the newspaper for hours on end, experimenting in the kitchen, he needed that time to rest, have calm and peace, recharge his batteries. He chose to stay around the house as he’d spent so much time away from it!

My stepmother was still working and I don’t think their relationship would have survived if they’d retired at the same time. She’s a ball of energy, always doing something quite independent of my father. Now she is retired, she still rushes off here and there. They do a lot of things together but my Dad’s alone time is necessary to their relationship so whilst she’ll hurtling off doing her volunteering, he relishes mooching around at home. He’s 76 and is enjoying his retirement because he and my stepmom sorted out what they both want and were sensitive to each other’s needs and desires.

Has it occurred to the OP that her husband might have needs like my father? To just switch off, do nothing after years at work. To adjust to being at home, wanting to be at home, not having to leave the house unless it’s really necessary?

I appreciate the OP has her own routine and will find it difficult to have him around however her husband might need time alone as well! She should try to get out of the house, give him time to readjust, give him peace and quiet. It would be extremely unfair to expect him to stay out of the house when it might be what he needs for his own mental health!

Apologies for the lengthy post but I believe the OP has to take his needs into consideration. It’s his house as well and he deserves to enjoy it!

I know what you mean op. I love dp very dearly and I love spending time together but 24/7? No!!!!!! I love space too.

Of course op isn't saying her th should work forever but she is mourning her space.

I think people are taking the 'spend more time with the OP' bit a little too literally! While there will undoubtedly be a period of adjustment to the new domestic arrangements it is not a given that he is going to be following the OP around like a lost puppy all day. It's very sad the tone of many of the posts here that seem to imply that the DH should make himself scarce in his own home so the OP can continue her routine uninterrupted.

He did say 'even more time' with OP, which suggests he'll be with her a lot more. She wouldn't be posting if it wasn't a worry!

The OP has had the luxury of being at home by the sounds of it for some time which has afforded her the life she wants.

I don't really have any sympathy as most of us who work full time do look forward to spending time at home and with our partners when we can afford to retire. Not everyone who works has the energy to have lots of hobbies or even wants them.

Yes there will be a period of change but the language of 'not being ready to have him at home' makes me sad for the DH as he is clearly unwanted in his own home and the OP would rather he kept working than fully retire. I wonder if the OP would feel the same if they had been the one out working.