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AIBU?

To not want DH to retire

140 replies

SaucySpider · 14/11/2018 18:55

Don't get me wrong, I love DH dearly and enjoy spending time with him now the children have moved out. However he is currently semi retired (working 5 half days a week) but wants to completely retire so he can 'spend even more time with me'. Lovely sentiment that it is I'm not sure I am ready to have him at home full time yet. We are only in our late fifties. Am I being really selfish?

OP posts:

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Dottierichardson · 14/11/2018 19:53

It is extremly hypocritical however to want someone to keep working when you don't.

Really I thought it was just honest...and it's not so much about the working/not working, it's being on top of each other from reading OP's post. That would be an issue if both couples worked from home, which has happened in my relationship...and pretending something is not an issue because it might be considered socially inappropriate by whomsoever is not going to help is it? Some people are very good at carving out hobbies/activities some people need a push...but not talking about issues is how they become major problems...

theOtherPamAyres · 14/11/2018 19:54

It's fine if your husband has hobbies, enthusiasms and plans.

It's bloody awful when they appear totally dependent on you for company. 'What are we doing tomorrow?' 'Have we got any plans for this week?' AAAgh!

The constant presence of an under-occupied individual with no motivation to look beyond the coupledom, can wear you down and cramp your own life.

I sympathise. And if you find the answer, let us know

Notacluewhatthisis · 14/11/2018 19:55

and it's not so much about the working/not working, it's being on top of each other from reading OP's post.

Then the person who has the issue should go out more. The answer isn't to force him to work when op doesn't.

puzzledlady · 14/11/2018 19:57

So you dont want your husband to retire to spend more time with you? You sound mean. If you dislike him that much - maybe a part time job for you?

naicepineapple · 14/11/2018 19:58

Find something to fill your time and you won't be around each other all day. Volunteer, get involved with your local community council etc

nokidshere · 14/11/2018 20:00

Then the person who has the issue should go out more*

No that's not the answer. The answer is honest and open communication about expectations and lifestyle.

BatsAreCool · 14/11/2018 20:01

Lovely sentiment that it is I'm not sure I am ready to have him at home full time yet. We are only in our late fifties. Am I being really selfish?

Yes you are selfish. He has been working and presumably you don't. I would be bloody annoyed if I was your DH and I knew that you 'weren't ready to have him home'. You don't get to say when he is allowed to be in his own house full time.

umbrellaellaella · 14/11/2018 20:01

YABU. If he can afford to retire, then why not? If it bothers you to e around him so much, you could get a job yourself.

Life is short so why shouldn't he enjoy retirement? Three of my grandparents died in their 60s and barely enjoyed it at all. You're being really mean.

TacoLover · 14/11/2018 20:02

Sorry if my post was harsh.. although it being deleted is a bit much. I see you as selfish for suggesting that he should keep working because you want the house all to yourself.

Dottierichardson · 14/11/2018 20:04

OP you might get some more constructive responses on the relationship area, it seems that AIBU as usual brings out the hyenas...and the holier than thou brigade.

BatsAreCool · 14/11/2018 20:05

The thing is I think you are being pretty horrible on top of being selfish.

Not everyone can enjoy retirement either because of ill health or simply because they die before they get to retirement. Your DH is clearly looking forward to spending time with you after presumably years of working. And you resent that and want him to continue to work just because you don't want him to be at home. How awful.

nokidshere · 14/11/2018 20:06

Life is short so why shouldn't he enjoy retirement? Three of my grandparents died in their 60s and barely enjoyed it at all.

Divorce after the age of 55 is on the increase (as is marriage) and that's partially to do with the fact that people are living much longer and so have many years after retirement to consider.

MemoryOfSleep · 14/11/2018 20:07

My grandfather died at sixty, so my stay at home grandmother got the house all to herself for the following twenty-five years.

Be careful what you wish for, OP.

mrsmuddlepies · 14/11/2018 20:07

Where are you OP? We need updating. Do you work out of the home?
Do you volunteer? Are you prepared to allow your husband to enjoy retirement in his home or do you think your needs trump his?
The law has now changed so that from now on men and women will retire at the same age.Surely men have a right to be allowed to retire too?

paintinmyhairAgain · 14/11/2018 20:07

did i miss the bit where op wants dh to carry on working ? not sure she said that but happy to be corrected.

Lizzie48 · 14/11/2018 20:08

YABU. If he can afford to retire, then why not? If it bothers you to e around him so much, you could get a job yourself.

Life is short so why shouldn't he enjoy retirement? Three of my grandparents died in their 60s and barely enjoyed it at all. You're being really mean.

I agree with you. My MIL would do anything to have FIL back. He died in a car accident at 65, 15 years ago this November. She's on her own now where she should have been able to enjoy spending time with all their DGC with him during their retirement years.

Sorry, rant over. But the OP shouldn't be surprised at the response to her post really.

MemoryOfSleep · 14/11/2018 20:08

@paintinmyhairagain

I believe it's the title.

paintinmyhairAgain · 14/11/2018 20:09

op has probably left due to some of the stupid comments on here. some of you obviously have no idea the changes involved, it's bloody difficult to say the least.

paintinmyhairAgain · 14/11/2018 20:11

memory thanks for that

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/11/2018 20:11

Op starts a thread then has no input thereafter......hmmm.......

Lizzie48 · 14/11/2018 20:12

@MemoryOfSleep

Well, if we were to simply answer on the basis of the title, then it would be easy, a simple YABU would do it. It's her DH's decision when he wants to retire.

BatsAreCool · 14/11/2018 20:13

paintinmyhairAgain the DH will be going through big changes as well. Transitioning from working to retirement is a big change. The difference is that it sounds like the OP has had a long time enjoying herself at home and appears to resent that her DH wants to retire and stop working.

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Esspee · 14/11/2018 20:13

My husband retired mid fifties. After he died, aged 70, I was so glad we had been able to spend those fifteen years together. Had he retired at 65 we would have had such a short time to enjoy life.

Chocaholicjellybelly · 14/11/2018 20:13

My husband retired when he was 53.At the time I wasn’t ready to stop working so have been working part time for the last 5 years while DH has enjoyed his outdoor hobbies.He also learned how to cook and is now a dab hand at ironing. I’m taking early retirement next year and we’re both looking forward to spending more time together but still having time for our own interests/hobbies.

ForalltheSaints · 14/11/2018 20:14

I am a man not much younger than the OPs husband and would not dream of retiring so young, but each to their own. It is a period of adjustment for both and you need to talk about this. People adapt differently to change.

Women have in general a different kind of social network (from what I have observed with family, friends and other acquaintances) from men, and retirement for a man can mean a loss of part of this in a way that will be a period of perhaps difficult adjustment.

Don't bury your head in the sand and expect it to be easy of either of you.

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