To not want DH to retire

[SaucySpider]

Don't get me wrong, I love DH dearly and enjoy spending time with him now the children have moved out. However he is currently semi retired (working 5 half days a week) but wants to completely retire so he can 'spend even more time with me'. Lovely sentiment that it is I'm not sure I am ready to have him at home full time yet. We are only in our late fifties. Am I being really selfish?

[ResistanceIsNecessary]

Interesting how the OP hasn't come back. Perhaps she's at work?

My advice would be to have a straightforward conversation with your H about expectations, hobbies, time together etc. And to bear in mind how fortunate you are to be able to retire together whilst still quite young. There are lots of couples who have had to keep working though financial necessity, who would wish for your problem.

[Elphame]

Saucy I hear you too. My DP retired in September and it's driven a coach and horses through my well ordered life!

I'm constantly asked what the "plans for the day" are.
He's under my feet in the kitchen every morning
He insists on telling me the news headlines first thing when I'm actually trying to work
He came home last night with a huge loaf of bread as he'd noticed that we were low - then he spotted the new loaf fresh from the breadmaker.

He's busy working through all the little jobs that I've been wanting him to do for months - I'm dreading him catching up with them as he will then be even more under my feet!

A new contract between us is definitely going to have to be negotiated

[CaveDivingbelle]

I kind of get this. OP your original wording has got backs up here...but when my OH was off work he'd do nothing ( not retired, just taking holidays etc). He'd watch TV. He'd want me to come watch with him. All day and sulk if I didnt. I'd plan things..He'd override. I'd go upstairs, he'd be loitering about behind me. It used to really grate. It's nothing to do with not loving the person, it's just the claustrophobia of having someone there 24/7.

[WitchesHatRim]

If the time he's at work is the only time she gets to herself

Right so it's ok for her to be at home and not wirk but not him.

If the genders were reversed in some of this thread, posters would be being pulled apart.

[Lizzie48]

I think the OP has hidden the thread, @CaveDivingbelle which is a pity because it has become a good discussion. It got my back off because I know my MIL and would give anything to have her DH under her feet at home, and actually so would I. Not because I personally miss him (he died before my DH and I had been married for a year, 15 years ago, so I didn't really get to know him), but because my DDs have never had a DGD. (Not that my F was any great loss, as he was abusive.)

But I get why it would be a massive change. I do enjoy my space at home, when it's just me and my cats(); it's the one compensation for not being able to work at the moment because of my DD1's complex needs, which in addition to my own MH issues resulting from my childhood SA has left me exhausted and on a high level of anti depressants. I do work voluntarily, which I enjoy so I'm not permanently stuck at home. I really value my time alone and having my DH at home all the time would mean a lot of adjustments on both sides.

But I would never begrudge him the chance to retire, as he's worked hard all his life and will have earned the chance to relax.

[Rachelover40]

I feel a bit like the op, I enjoy having my house to myself. However my husband is over retirement age and intends to retire full time at Christmas. I have been retired a while.

That's what I signed up for so will just have to adjust! We do love eachother btw.

We have a big enough house and are both independent so hope we won't be falling over eachother.

[Allthewaves]

My mum's adores my dad but they found first two years of retirement tough going. Mum was a housewife but had her own.routine of food shopping, seeing friends and hobbies but when dad retired he wanted to spend every moment with her and go everywhere she went and expected to basically be entertained. He drove my mum crazy for a while. But they talked and eventually found a balance - dad ended up volunteering pt which really helped

[Portillista]

You can just feel the presence of someone else in the house, even if they're not wanting to do awful things like have lunch together. Ugh. If I were in that situation, I'd very quickly start volunteering somewhere on a daily basis (am unemployable after God knows how many years as a SAHM).

[Singlenotsingle]

It doesn't sound as though you like your DH veryy much Portillista. Isn't the feeling of someone else in the house reassuring? And having lunch together is nice too. My dp makes amazing scrambled eggs with grilled tomatoes and herbs.

[Portillista]

@Singlenotsingle I divorced him, so no, I didn't like him very much (the fact he abused the DC didn't help). Even before that happened, I could feel his presence in the house and didn't like it.

I don't live with my DP, but love him very much, and also love having lunch with him.

[GiantKitten]

Obviously it depends on the individuals.

If OP's DH seriously wants them to be together literally all the time once he retires then of course that will be very hard to adjust to, but I would hope that in fact he would actually find some activities & interests to do alone some of the time.

My DH semi-retired this time last year (still works 2 days a week) but happily occupies himself both indoors & out. He's an early bird, I'm a night owl; he's very energetic & loves buzzing about on buses (with his BUS PASS! He loves his bus pass ) and on foot, while I'm much more lazy laidback.

It is odd having someone around when you're used to having the house to yourself but it does gradually get easier

[Singlenotsingle]

Couldn't you get one of those posh mancave type sheds put in the garden so he's got somewhere to retreat to and do man things? I've seen some women have them too - you could decorate it and use it for sewing, reading, listening to the radio, whatever - with a Keep Out sign on the door.

[6triesbuttingout]

Speaking from experience when we retired within a month of each other you need a plan. We retired in spring and spent the summer having little breaks away and lots of fun, winter however was an absolute disaster. We both thought garden, housework, ironing etc was the others responsibility. We argued so much the kids refused to visit. 3 years down the line we still struggling. So please have lots of chats about what both your expectations are. Wish you a long and happy retirement

[GummyGoddess]

What will he do? I've seen so many couples where the husband retires and thinks his life's work is done. The wife's life continues with her doing all the house stuff with him following behind telling her how he would do it and he expects her to sort entertainment out!

With FIL, he sits on his laptop all day and that's it. MIL now doesn't even get up until midday.

[SaucySpider]

Hi all, sorry for not being around to respond to messages. Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my dilemma. To those who just think I am a selfish sahm who doesn't want my space invaded by a dh who has provided my lazy lifestyle I would like you to know that we both worked hard to make a nice home and to be in a position to be able to retire early. Yes I am at home on my own now but dh had 9 months off when he retired fully a couple of years ago and really wasn't ready - even though he had hobbies, being at home so much didn't suit him and he got a bit niggly. He has been part time now for a while and I do enjoy having him at home and doing things together and I'm sure I am being selfish not wanting him around 24/7 yet. To those of you who do understand how I feel, thank you for allowing me to feel a bit better about my feelings. I'm sure it will all work out fine in the end.