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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or am.i being a dick

150 replies

inmyshoos · 14/11/2018 15:51

Met someone recently, had a couple of dates, completely blown away by him as really wasn't expecting or looking for anything wow.
He has said some really really beautiful things, so far we have both been really honest and upfront but a lot of our chat is banter. Something I absolutely adore is how funny he is

So we both have very limited free time die to other things, yesterday he told me he has Monday off and is that Monday off, let's arrange a date.

Lots of chat back and forward today and then this jokey message but the main point was our date is looking to let because the weather is looking ideal for his hobby.

I'm probably already over invested but it upset me. Felt like he'd had a better offer and because none of pur pre pious jokes are at my expense I assumed sincere.
He has since sent a message suggesting he was clearly joking but I just don't find that funny at all. All it does is give me doubt where previously I had none.

AIBU? Is it funny and I'm being a dick? My exh was a selfish b and I was never a priority in his life so I am open to the idea that I'm over sensitive and tbh i like this guy and dont want to ruin it.

OP posts:
BlancheM · 14/11/2018 18:22

There's a difference between joking and telling a joke. So not it's not funny like something you'd laugh at, but if he said he was joking then he wasn't being serious.
He was pulling your leg. He's a joker and you've been having 'banter', this is what it entails

BlancheM · 14/11/2018 18:23

So no*

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 14/11/2018 18:23

I was going to say the same as ILoveAutum. His choice is whether to come back early from a weekend away for your third date, or ask you to reschedule it. I don’t think he’s terrible for doing the latter. Having said that, I would be annoyed if he really broached the subject in a ‘jokey’ way and kind of wheedled away at you, rather than showing you respect and simply saying ‘I’m really sorry but it actually isn’t going to make sense for me to come back on Sunday so could we reschedule for next weekend instead?’

PS hobby is clearly surfing. I’m right, aren’t I?

BlancheM · 14/11/2018 18:29

Oh, sorry. Just read he wasn't joking then. Bit weird! I'd see if he was keen to suggest another time before writing it off

MiaowMix · 14/11/2018 18:31

Is it HOT AIR BALLOONING??

MiaowMix · 14/11/2018 18:32

Why are hobbies so cloak and dagger on here? Confused

VaultDweller · 14/11/2018 18:33

He's dodged a bullet from the sound of things.

TryingToSayRightThing · 14/11/2018 18:37

Is it dogging 🐶

Pluckedpencil · 14/11/2018 18:42

I have never understood the secrecy around the hobby!!! So true! Why?!?! Really why?!?! (Unless it is peashooting or something equally identifying)

RCohle · 14/11/2018 18:44

I think that expecting him not to take the opportunity to extend a weekend away is a bit unreasonable. A third date is pretty early days. That said if it bothers you that he's chosen the hobby, it's better that you find that out now.

velourvoyageur · 14/11/2018 18:49

OP doesn't seem bothered that he wants to do something else, it seems to be more about the fact he wasn't very polite about it - just announced that he was cancelling things instead of saying 'really sorry, would you mind if we rescheduled as the timing is right for me?'. He didn't actually need to be really sorry or genuinely be ready to forgo the hobby if she said 'well actually i do mind', he just had to display a basic grasp of manners as a code to show he'd considered her feelings, disappointment etc.

I think he may not be as smitten as OP yet, not because he wants to do his hobby, but because if he was he'd find that kind of empathy easier - he's imagining how he would feel if he was cancelled on by a date (i.e. not as gutted as OP currently is) and projecting that as a expectation of how someone should reasonably react, instead of creating an expectation based on the idea of someone who like the OP is maybe a bit more invested.

OffToBedhampton · 14/11/2018 18:51

YABU OP for all the reasons PPs who think similiar have said.
I think you've over reacted unnecessarily so . Unless you have tickets booked to something that can't be cancelled/rescheduled.

BMW6 · 14/11/2018 19:02

TBH I think this is a massive over reaction - youve only met up twice FFS so are hardly in a committed long-term relationship!

So he's cried off from a date because weather conditions are ideal for his hobby. So what. It's not like he's mucked up your day because he's changed plans at the last minute.

I wouldn't blame him if he drops out entirely because you're coming across rather precious and whiney frankly!

ChristmasFluff · 14/11/2018 19:08

Or maybe OP doesn't want to go out with someone who will routinely cancel on her when a chance to do his hobby comes along. I think that's perfectly reasonable, and I'd knock it on the head too. Unless you share them, these sort of hobbies can turn out to be a real problem, and better to bail now than hang on in desperately hoping to eventually be worth putting before the hobby. Because if that isn't happening at date 3, when he's being his 'best self', it isn't going to happen.

Jux · 14/11/2018 19:08

Yeah, disappointing, but i'd do the same, albeit with many apologies.

What is the hobby? If it's fishing then he needs bad weather more anyway. And no east wind. Apparently Hmm

Flowersfever · 14/11/2018 19:12

YANBU at all OP. It's rude to cancel, and worse to try & gaslight you into thinking it was a joke. Run like the wind.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2018 19:36

I can't decide what shocks me more. People who thinks she should be a priority after two dates, indicating they would prioritise a man at this stage.

Or this piece of shit

Dick is abundant and of low value

Because if a man wrote "pussy is abundant and of low value" then yeah, you'd still be laughing it up, wanting it on t shirts and cushions.

SilverySurfer · 14/11/2018 19:43

An over-reaction by you OP. You've had two dates and I don't think he is unreasonable to want to do his hobby (whatever it may be) if the weather is right for it. It would be different if you were in a long term relationship.

VaselineHero · 14/11/2018 19:49

Hmmm I don't know. I do generally think if a man was dead keen on you, he would be excited at the prospect of seeing you.

puzzledlady · 14/11/2018 19:54

Total over reaction by you OP. You’ve been on two dates and are way too invested. If he was into you - he’ll priubabky be scared off now. Your not even boyfriend and girlfriend yet - and you react like this? So you Say you have banter back and forth, so why was the text messages any different? Maybe he was jokey about getting a better offer, and just wanted to see your reaction?
You sound a bit too needy. Maybe take a step back and chill out. Sorry.

Justkeeepsmiling · 14/11/2018 20:10

As disapointingas this is, You have only been on 2 dates, He doesnt really need to explain to you. Let him do his hobby, if its weather dependant then there probably wont be many more times he will be able to do it anyway. I wouldnt have seen it as "a better offer", just that he has a chance to do something he enjoys, and he took it. Enjoy oyur day off, relax and do what you enjoy.

CaliHummers · 14/11/2018 20:10

Dick is abundant and of low value

Because if a man wrote "pussy is abundant and of low value" then yeah, you'd still be laughing it up, wanting it on t shirts and cushions.

IME decent, kind, honest single men are few and far between. Personally I'd value one if I found him - and expect him to do the same for me.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 14/11/2018 21:32

Have you had sex? Because ( based on my own, younger, nutbag self) I would go totally overboard in attachment to men I had slept with, thinking that we were ' in a relationship' after a couple of dates, when he was clearly just thinking "Score!'

There's no right and wrong in how to behave when dating, but women do have form for overthinking what are often casual sexy times.

And if you haven't had sex yet then I would say yes, YABU to expect relationship type behaviour from someone you've met twice.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2018 22:46

IME decent, kind, honest single men are few and far between. Personally I'd value one if I found him - and expect him to do the same for me

Sure, and I'd guess men could say the same about women, right? We don't reduce human beings to nothing more than their genitalia, be they Male or female.

Exactly what has this man done wrong? He's postponed a third date, to do his hobby, so it's all cheer leading he's nothing more than some cheap available cock? He's not a decent or honest person?

Because if we saw men baying on a website in this context about a woman, she was nothing more than some low value pussy, not something decent or honest, becayse she's delayed a third date to do her hobby, we woild all be good with that? In fact we would be so good with it, we would get t shirts printed with it, and have it embroidered on our cushions?

Either way. Male or female. Its not cool. It's not big. It's not clever and no, It's not ok.

OffToBedhampton · 15/11/2018 08:57

I agree with @Bluntness100

He just postponed a date & explained why. It was third date not audience with a Queen.