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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or am.i being a dick

150 replies

inmyshoos · 14/11/2018 15:51

Met someone recently, had a couple of dates, completely blown away by him as really wasn't expecting or looking for anything wow.
He has said some really really beautiful things, so far we have both been really honest and upfront but a lot of our chat is banter. Something I absolutely adore is how funny he is

So we both have very limited free time die to other things, yesterday he told me he has Monday off and is that Monday off, let's arrange a date.

Lots of chat back and forward today and then this jokey message but the main point was our date is looking to let because the weather is looking ideal for his hobby.

I'm probably already over invested but it upset me. Felt like he'd had a better offer and because none of pur pre pious jokes are at my expense I assumed sincere.
He has since sent a message suggesting he was clearly joking but I just don't find that funny at all. All it does is give me doubt where previously I had none.

AIBU? Is it funny and I'm being a dick? My exh was a selfish b and I was never a priority in his life so I am open to the idea that I'm over sensitive and tbh i like this guy and dont want to ruin it.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/11/2018 17:40

As a keen (read, obsessive) hillwalker and Munro bagger I have to tell you that I’d sack off a new date for a decent day for climbing. No messing.
Getting the weather and the time off at the same time is GOLD so if it’s anything like that, I can understand why he has prioritised his hobby over someone he’s been out with a couple of times. Sorry.

Bombardier25966 · 14/11/2018 17:41

Given the OP's lack of coherency, I'd question whether (very new) boyfriend didn't think they'd made definite plans for Monday. If we can't work out what she's saying, quite understandable that he can't either.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/11/2018 17:42

You've had a couple of dates with this man. His hobby is clearly important to him. I think he has formed the opinion that you are a needy, clingy, whiny princess who is already expecting to be his only priority. He may be wrong in this but remember that anyone is entitled to bin a partner for any reason, particularly after only a handful of dates - you would be equally entitled to bin him if you find his teasing unfunny and hurtful.

I wouldn't waste any more time or thought on it. Dick is abundant and of low value. Move on.

Allthewaves · 14/11/2018 17:44

It's been two dates I think your being ott

ButchyRestingFace · 14/11/2018 17:45

Dick is abundant and of low value.

That made me smile. T-shirt worthy, almost. Smile

Miyajima98 · 14/11/2018 17:47

I think it's a bit of both of you, but the problem has arisen because of all the "banter" and lack of clear boundaries. If there is too much constant "banter" (sorry I hate that word) then you risk not being clear about things that matter. Nothing wrong with having a giggle and a sense of humour in the communication of course. But he needed to stop bantering and simply say, "by the way, one of the things thats really important to me is my hobby and I'm planning to do it on Monday as the weather is good" and you needed to clearly say either "that sounds like a good idea, and as you're reliant on the weather let's reschedule our date for another day" OR "okay I appreciate that you want to do your hobby, but I am not comfortable"... or whatever your reason is.

However - it may be the case that he did in fact communicate this quite clearly but you missed it? It may also be the case that it's somewhat unhealthy or clingy of you to not want him to do his hobby? Not meaning to sound unkind OP, just suggesting thoughts. But as it's such early days, ultimately if it doesn't feel right in your gut then you are right to move on from this one OP.

Good luck x

bobstersmum · 14/11/2018 17:47

I think it sounds really silly all this. It sounds like you've made him think what's the point, because you've taken offence so easily, it's your third date you aren't committed no matter how much you like each other. Sorry.

Tetrapanex · 14/11/2018 17:48

Sorry - somehow missed your updates on page 1 before I replied. You seem very over invested in someone you’ve spent less than 24 hours with.

If he was as into it as you are, then he wouldn’t have considered cancelling. It’s horrible when something is one sided but at least you found out extremely early.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/11/2018 17:48

I'll be good and not take credit for the phrase - it's just one I happen to love.

troodiedoo · 14/11/2018 17:49

Manners should apply no matter what number date you're on. Lucky escape I reckon.

skyesayshi · 14/11/2018 17:50

I can see both sides of this, you feel hurt because he binned you for a hobby, so wonder if that is how it is going to be....... I wouldn't want to be with somebody who prioritised a hobby over time together on a regular basis.

But from his point of view, you are somebody he has had 2 dates with, he cancels the next and you become all possessive and clingy, making him wonder if that is how it is going to be.......

I think this early on, there is no commitment to each other and if it is clear to you that he would rather do that than spend time with you, it shows that he is used to doing what he wants when he wants with no other considerations. That can be a hard mindset to change.

On the other hand, you need to toughen up a bit as the world of dating is not nice.

Is this hobby something you could join him at in future if you did see him again? So if he went away, you could go too and stay over and either join him or have some time to yourself while he does it?

SuchAToDo · 14/11/2018 17:52

I think you are being unreasonable...you have only been on a couple dates with the man, so it's your third date have would be cancelling? And you are already complaining that his hobby is more important than you and our date...if I was him, I'd run for the hills....

You need to chill out..it's only been a couple of dates, if you act too clingy about this date and complain about him doing his hobby, then he will see you as hard work (I don't think I would like someone telling me after two dates I couldn't rearrange a date so that I could do a hobby I enjoy )

NotUmbongoUnchained · 14/11/2018 17:52

Sorry if I’d been out on 2 dates with someone and they expected me to make them a priority over ANYTHING I’d bin them off. You sound like a drip.

SuchAToDo · 14/11/2018 17:54

*more important than your date

Franinipancake · 14/11/2018 17:56

I've had a lot of relationships that were toilets and also had a few good ones. It shouldn't be this difficult and should just feel "effortless" in the early days - that's when you know it's something good. I don't think it's ever a good sign when you find yourself having to micro-analyse text messages for clues. Did he suggest an alternate day for your date or is just Monday's off and he's left it at that?

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 14/11/2018 17:58

I recently had a fabulous first date and they guy was really keen. Then couldn't be arsed to make a second date. Said maybe when I suggested a day. Eventually agreed then did the whole I don't think I can be your boyfriend at the moment line. But still expressed surprise that I didn't want to still meet up and spend time with him and his tedious cliquey friends.

Whilst still keeping his options open of course with the "at the moment" line.

It sounds like he's just not that into you. You should be the better option at 3 dates in. So ditch him and move on. That's what I'm trying to do!

ILoveAutum · 14/11/2018 18:04

He is doing his hobby on the Sunday. Weather improving into the Monday so now seeing as he is there and its a couple of hours drive he is going to stay and spend his day off doing his hobby on the Monday

He has, what I assume, is a fairly rare opportunity to have an overnight trip for his hobby (which is 2 hours away, so clearly quite location specific and also it’s weather dependent). I really wouldn’t be pissed off about that at all, a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to see him, but that’s all. I’d run a mile from someone I’d met twice kicking off about me doing the same. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Missingstreetlife · 14/11/2018 18:05

Hope it rains on monday

Missingstreetlife · 14/11/2018 18:05

And sunday

SoupDragon · 14/11/2018 18:07

He has, what I assume, is a fairly rare opportunity to have an overnight trip for his hobby (which is 2 hours away, so clearly quite location specific and also it’s weather dependent). I really wouldn’t be pissed off about that at all, a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to see him, but that’s all. I’d run a mile from someone I’d met twice kicking off about me doing the same.

I agree.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 14/11/2018 18:11

What's the hobby???

ButchyRestingFace · 14/11/2018 18:13

What's the hobby???

I believe truffle hunting with pigs was floated as a suggestion...

Sounded good to me at any rate.

bubbles108 · 14/11/2018 18:14

This would be your third date?

He's decided to take advantage of the weather and do something else

And you don't want to see him again?

Wtf?

It's a THIRD date

You're not even exclusive

I think you are way way over invested way way too quickly

MargotSimpson · 14/11/2018 18:14

I think you’re being unreasonable and a bit OTT, sorry OP. It’s only been a couple of dates and rearranging a date shouldn’t be a dealbreaker at this stage, especially for something important to him. Of course you’re not important to him yet, it’s only been two dates!! But that doesn’t mean it won’t progress into something more if that’s what you want.

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/11/2018 18:19

Dick is abundant and of low value

I want this embroidered on a cushion Grin

Best and truest thing I've read today @ReanimatedSGB

Thanks for this and the link to the source.