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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or am.i being a dick

150 replies

inmyshoos · 14/11/2018 15:51

Met someone recently, had a couple of dates, completely blown away by him as really wasn't expecting or looking for anything wow.
He has said some really really beautiful things, so far we have both been really honest and upfront but a lot of our chat is banter. Something I absolutely adore is how funny he is

So we both have very limited free time die to other things, yesterday he told me he has Monday off and is that Monday off, let's arrange a date.

Lots of chat back and forward today and then this jokey message but the main point was our date is looking to let because the weather is looking ideal for his hobby.

I'm probably already over invested but it upset me. Felt like he'd had a better offer and because none of pur pre pious jokes are at my expense I assumed sincere.
He has since sent a message suggesting he was clearly joking but I just don't find that funny at all. All it does is give me doubt where previously I had none.

AIBU? Is it funny and I'm being a dick? My exh was a selfish b and I was never a priority in his life so I am open to the idea that I'm over sensitive and tbh i like this guy and dont want to ruin it.

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 14/11/2018 17:06

Remember the Maya Angelou quote; "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

So, you are an option to him. Fine. Just make sure he's not a priority to you.

JudasPrudy · 14/11/2018 17:07

They've met twice, of course she isn't a priority to him Confused

kikashi · 14/11/2018 17:08

Just look at it like you've dodged a bullet. He may well be the sort who "leaves his fiddle at the door."

MirriVan · 14/11/2018 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UpstartCrow · 14/11/2018 17:10

He called your reaction to his 'joke' a red flag? Dump him and run for the hills.

IDontGiveAFuckWhatArleneWears · 14/11/2018 17:13

It was what? A third date? Chill out! I wouldn't be bothered - it's not as if he's cancelling the night before he's given you loads of notice and you can rearrange for another time.

You sound over invested for something that has only been a couple of dates, sorry.

PasswordRejection · 14/11/2018 17:14

Honestly, I would view such intensity after 2 dates as a red flag...

HardcoreLadyType · 14/11/2018 17:15

They've met twice, of course she isn't a priority to him

Hence the word "fine". Or do you only read the first sentence in any given post? In which case, you're not reading this. Never mind.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/11/2018 17:16

IDK, I might be willing to say 'whatever, give me a buzz when you get back' for a hobby once in a while, if our plans were just to hang out. But if it kept happening, or if he cancelled important plans (concert, days away, party invite, etc) then I'd probably break it off.

My DH has a weather dependent hobby (hang gliding) and I can recall a few times when we were dating him asking if I would mind a rain check because the weather was so good, but he never did if we had important plans. But I can also remember him calling me later to tell me he wasn't flying after all because the weather had turned. I usually had made other plans by then, so he was out of luck.

Absolutely up to the person involved. But if you liked him so much, would it have been worth saying OK then having a talk about it later?

IDontGiveAFuckWhatArleneWears · 14/11/2018 17:16

And the fuck @ being a priority to him after 2 dates.

Catch a grip, seriously, it's been two dates. They aren't exclusive. They aren't months in. Two. Dates. And he wants to go do a hobby, and he's cancelled with loads of notice.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 14/11/2018 17:20

but the main point was our date is looking to let because the weather is looking ideal for his hobby

I still don't understand exactly what the arrangement was and what was said... can you explain the above, OP? 'Our date is looking to let'?

I realise it's a typo, but not sure for what.

doubleshotespresso · 14/11/2018 17:21

I am going to be so disappointed if his hobby turns out to be something as tedious as fishing or golf....

Seriously OP-it's very early days

Talith · 14/11/2018 17:21

Well if he'd rather do his hobby than see you that's giving you a good idea of what the future will hold. I'd be pissed off. If it was arranged and he's cancelled that's especially bloody rude and just as much of a "red flag" as you getting narked because it's now off.

Ellisandra · 14/11/2018 17:23

Your OP really isn’t clear on how it happened.
I can’t made head nor tail of what he actually said.

You say you felt it was a better offer, which sounds like he didn’t say those words - then you say he said it was a better offer.

I kitesurf and climb. The former can be very weather and conditions dependent.

Thing is, if my sports mad boyfriend said he had better offer (literally that phrase) that would be a signal for me to start saying “boy, trust me, there isn’t a better off than this” and possibly send him a pic of me in my most comfy hanging out at home unsexy clothes. I expect it would end up in him saying “surfing can wait” and me saying “seriously, catch the waves - how about dinner after?”

Impossible to tell whether he’s a shit or you were over-reacting. Not sure which bullets were dodged!

DerelictWreck · 14/11/2018 17:24

He is doing his hobby on the Sunday. Weather improving into the Monday so now seeing as he is there and its a couple of hours drive he is going to stay and spend his day off doing his hobby on the Monday rather than see me

Completely reasonable in my book. He's not changing his mind on a whim he's just going to be away a day longer as it's the right conditions for something weather dependent. Wouldn't bother me I'm afraid.

IDontGiveAFuckWhatArleneWears · 14/11/2018 17:24

Were you already off on Monday or did you book leave?

What exactly did he say?

Can't you see him for a drink after?

But on the face of it, you're way too invested for 2 dates. Sorry (again).

TryingToSayRightThing · 14/11/2018 17:25

Once years ago I got all dolled up and ready to go on a date when I got a text saying the guy couldn't be bothered as he was shattered after work. Id only met him a few tiles before that. Instead I just text some friends and had a great night out in London instead. Guy text me about a million times that night, apologised a lot and felt gutted knowing I'd had a great night without him. He's now my husband, we have kids and have been happily married for nearly ten years.

Make other plans and have a great day doing something you love. Don't base your happiness around his availability.

SparklyMagpie · 14/11/2018 17:30

Bit of an overreaction for me first off but the bit about the red flag, was that him saying that to you?

I'm confused

ICantThinkOfANewName · 14/11/2018 17:31

So basically he cancelled your 3rd date in favour of his hobby and he thinks you're not allowed to be hurt by that?

Fuck that BS.

Lovemademe · 14/11/2018 17:32

I think it’s perfectly fine. I cancel on people all the time. If he said, sorry I can’t make Monday after all, let reschedule, then that’s a normal interaction between people with busy lives. It depends how he said it as it sounds like you feel insulted.

dontfluffthefluffer · 14/11/2018 17:32

You've been on 2 dates and are being pissy with him for changing plans with plenty of notice. I'd be running a mile if I were him.

Ellisandra · 14/11/2018 17:36

So, it turns out that you’re right - he was cancelling.
But when you reacted initially, you thought he was joking.
So it sounds like you did over react to his joke.

In his place, I’d ditch an early-dates situation where the other person is over reacting, for my hobby too.

You may or may not (depending on the actual plans and wording) have been right to ditch him for cancelling. But your reaction was to the joking (as you thought) it was - not the cancellation.

I applaud that you’re not prepared to take any bullshit. But I think you were right in your OP when you said you may have over reacted due to your ex.

You’ve not lost out on any big deal here - you want someone who doesn’t cancel dates, that’s your perogative. But you can maybe learn from this that you are still over sensitive and to count to ten?

CaliHummers · 14/11/2018 17:38

All sounds like miscommunication and misunderstanding to me. I'd take a deep breath, step back and try not to take it all so seriously. it's great when you get that feeling of really getting on with someone but the trouble is you can feel like that and then it can change very suddenly - especially with OLD if someone is dating more than one person.

Sounds like you've got beyond the point of no return with this one but in future, I'd just to try to spell things out more clearly and to bear in mind that there's a whole long process of getting to know each other. However much you feel like you might click after two dates, you just don't know things like for e.g. how invested you each get in arrangements and how organised you are.

ButchyRestingFace · 14/11/2018 17:39

Remember the Maya Angelou quote; "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

So, you are an option to him. Fine. Just make sure he's not a priority to you.

Maya Angelou was undoubtedly a wise woman, but I feel confident she wasn't referring to someone one has only met twice.

Tetrapanex · 14/11/2018 17:40

Is it possible that you’ve misread the context of the text and he was just joking around? Without seeing it word for word it’s hard to judge.

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