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Original poster

Would you say this was a forced marriage

116 replies

namechangeonceagain0 · 14/11/2018 09:47

I'd been with my now husband for 5 years before we got married. I was perfectly happy and expressed clearly that I did not want to get married. I fell pregnant, and after I had our baby, he booked an appointment at the registry office to book our marriage without telling me. He then told me he had booked it and I made him cancel it but then he rebooked it and got very hot tempered when I challenged him about it.

He is from Asian culture, and he said that his Mum is not accepting us as a family because we are not married and because we have a baby, it is even worse. So I went ahead and married him... even though I love him to the bones, I just don't know why I didn't want to get married? I resented him for months after. Every argument, I always bring up that he was the one who forced me to marry him etc and he explicitly denies ever forcing me.

I still feel really upset that it has happened. I don't even remember our marriage anniversary! I only know the month and don't know until he gets me a card and flowers wishing us a happy anniversary Blush

I really resent his family for making him think that us not being married is a sin! I really do. I understand that's how their culture works, but I am obviously expected to follow it to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:
Heratnumber7 · 14/11/2018 09:51

I don't think this was a forced marriage, No.

Why don't you want to be married? You have a child together.

Blanchedupetitpois · 14/11/2018 09:56

It does sound like you were put under huge pressure. Marriage is obviously very important to him, but he shouldn’t have booked it and been aggressive about it.

It’s difficult in some ways because there isn’t a compromise here - you’re either married or not, and if you both have strong opposing feelings, one of you will ultimately be unhappy with the decision regardless of what it is. But that doesn’t excuse the way he engineered the situation.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/11/2018 10:02

You say your husband got hot tempered when you challenged him - what did this involve? If you actually feared for yourself if you said no then I’d say you were basically forced. If he just moaned until you reluctantly agreed then it wasn’t forced but still unpleasant to have to get married to shit your partner up!

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/11/2018 10:03
  • shut 😂
Lilybetsey · 14/11/2018 10:06

No. Not forced. You had a choice...

Merryoldgoat · 14/11/2018 10:08

You can’t just make an appointment to get married (I’m assuming you’re in the UK). You need to give notice and it’s something you both need to do.

This doesn’t sound like a forced narriage to me as you could’ve said ‘no’ and split up. Why didn’t you do that if you were so against it?

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2018 10:09

Nope not forced.

Many women are actually forced into marriage in this world but you are (thankfully) not one of them.

He did pile on the pressure though when you were no doubt feeling vulnerable with a new baby.

Bluelady · 14/11/2018 10:10

Absolutely not forced. You signed a legal contract which has given you greater legal protections and rights. Why are you so anti marriage?

greendale17 · 14/11/2018 10:13

Definitely not forced. On the plus side you are far better protected now you are married especially as you have a child together

IStandWithPosie · 14/11/2018 10:13

No not forced but if it was very close after giving birth I suspect he knew you were very susceptible to being manipulated. Possibly informed by his mother.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 10:16

A forced marriage is where one or both people do not (or in cases of people with learning disabilities or reduced capacity, cannot) consent to the marriage as they are pressurised or abuse is used to force them to do so. It is recognised in the UK as a form of domestic/child abuse and a serious abuse of human rights.

The pressure put on people to marry against their will may be physical (for example, threats, physical violence or sexual violence) and/or emotional and psychological (for example, making someone feel like they are bringing ‘shame’ on their family). Financial abuse (for example, taking someone’s wages) may also be a factor.

This is from the uk government website about Forced Marriage.

It sounds like you were put under significant emotional pressure.

Those posters saying marriage is a good thing, why don’t you want it have totally missed the point

E20mom · 14/11/2018 10:16

No I think a forced marriage is very different to what you've described.

ReflectionsofParadise · 14/11/2018 10:17

You can't just make an appointment Hmm you both have to and you both have to give notice and both pick the date when giving notice. Your wedding certificate will also have the date on.

What an odd thread Confused

Thesearmsofmine · 14/11/2018 10:17

Pressured but not forced. Are you in the UK?

ReflectionsofParadise · 14/11/2018 10:17

Also they interview you individually OP during the giving notice Confused

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 10:18

Pressured but not forced.

What is the difference?

JacquesHammer · 14/11/2018 10:19

I think you were put under pressure, but it wasn't a forced marriage.

Bluelady · 14/11/2018 10:19

Nowhere can I find any mention of both partners having to be present when notice of marriage is given. My mum gave notice of my parents' marriage alone because my dad was out of the country.

Thesearmsofmine · 14/11/2018 10:23

We both had to attend when we gave notice in 2012, they asked us various questions while the other stepped out of the room.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 10:23

Every argument, I always bring up that he was the one who forced me to marry him etc and he explicitly denies ever forcing me.

Whether he forced you or not, this sounds really unhealthy.

You either have to accept your marriage didn’t happen the way you wanted it or you move on. Counselling might help you to move forward in whatever way you choose.

MrsJayy · 14/11/2018 10:24

Women who are forced into marraige have to go to and register intent to marry just like the op did 😕 op you feel coerced pressured and forced into this marraige it doesn't matter if you consented forced marraige is a huge spectrum that you fall into.

ittakes2 · 14/11/2018 10:24

Are you able to unnull your marriage? if yes, why don't you do that - his mother will never need to know.

starfishmummy · 14/11/2018 10:24

What Reflections said. And at the last wedding we went to, the registrars also interviewed the bride and groom separately before the ceremony.

ReflectionsofParadise · 14/11/2018 10:25

@Bluelady it is now a legal requirement. I imagine it's been a few decades since your Mum got married 🙄

HollowTalk · 14/11/2018 10:27

Were there distinct advantages to him of you being married?

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