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Original poster

Would you say this was a forced marriage

116 replies

namechangeonceagain0 · 14/11/2018 09:47

I'd been with my now husband for 5 years before we got married. I was perfectly happy and expressed clearly that I did not want to get married. I fell pregnant, and after I had our baby, he booked an appointment at the registry office to book our marriage without telling me. He then told me he had booked it and I made him cancel it but then he rebooked it and got very hot tempered when I challenged him about it.

He is from Asian culture, and he said that his Mum is not accepting us as a family because we are not married and because we have a baby, it is even worse. So I went ahead and married him... even though I love him to the bones, I just don't know why I didn't want to get married? I resented him for months after. Every argument, I always bring up that he was the one who forced me to marry him etc and he explicitly denies ever forcing me.

I still feel really upset that it has happened. I don't even remember our marriage anniversary! I only know the month and don't know until he gets me a card and flowers wishing us a happy anniversary Blush

I really resent his family for making him think that us not being married is a sin! I really do. I understand that's how their culture works, but I am obviously expected to follow it to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/11/2018 10:27

What does it matter? Youve done it now. Get a divorce if you feel so strongly about it! No? There's your answer.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 10:28

Were there distinct advantages to him of you being married?

What does that have to do with the op feeling pressured into it?

stickytoffeepuddingandicecream · 14/11/2018 10:29

Not a forced marriage, but I’m not sure being bullied into it is a great either.

When we gave notice to marry just over 2 years ago we both had to present ourselves together and then have a meeting separately where we were asked a few questions about one another. I found it bizarre as we were born in the same hospital, grew up in the same area and had been together 10years. I thought it was a joke at first and said to the woman “it’s like a game of mr and mrs” she said to me “this is a legal process and not to be joked about”. I mean I’d expect this if one of us was from another country and questions could have been raised about the authenticity of the marriage, but there wasn’t. So yes you do both have to attend to give notice, at least where we live in the uk.

Thesearmsofmine · 14/11/2018 10:29

OP Did you feel you had to do it or could you have said no?

MrsStrowman · 14/11/2018 10:31

You have to give notice weeks in advance, be interviewed separately where they ask you if it's your choice etc and again on the day the registrar asks certain questions of you separately. If this is because you feel you didn't get any say in the type of wedding you wanted maybe you could renew vows and do it your way. You say you love him, he may have put pressure on to appease his family, but why were you so anti marriage? No judgement just curious

MyBrexitIsIll · 14/11/2018 10:33

I think most people think about forced marriage as one where physical force has been used.
Just like we used to think about domestic abuse bein a battered wife.

Since then we’ve come to recognised that abuse can take many forms incl emotional abuse.
I sushould cet it’s also possible to force someone hands using emotional tricks/guilt etc... to make them do something they don’t want to. It could be getting an abortion (and no one wouod ever say you couod have said NO. Rather they wouod point out the coercition involved). It couod be about getting married.

Doing anything because you’re u are pressured and coerced into it will mess your mind up. Esp of this is coming from the person you love.
This has clearly upset you and you are very ressentful of it.

I think you need to make a choice. Decide if the pressure/coercion actually went over your own boundaries (and the if red lines have been crossed, this is the sign that your relilationship is dead). Or if you can get pass that because your love for him, the family life you get from that marriage is good enough to do that.
I wouod advice some counselling tbh so you can talk through it with some one neutral.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 10:36

Not a forced marriage, but I’m not sure being bullied into it is a great either.

What’s your definition of forced marriage?

user1495390685 · 14/11/2018 10:40

So you married to keep his mum happy, and presumably not affect her standing in her community. Not forced and water under the bridge now. But you need to learn to stand up for yourself for the sake of your child, or they will force their traditional/cultural choices on the baby. It's a mistake but you can get past it because you happen to love your partner. But this influence of tradition will rear its ugly head soon enough and you are the only person who can protect your baby from it.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 10:42

How is it that posters are so convinced the marriage definitely wasn’t forced?

adaline · 14/11/2018 10:44

I mean I’d expect this if one of us was from another country and questions could have been raised about the authenticity of the marriage, but there wasn’t.

Forced marriage isn't something that only happens when one partner isn't born in the UK Hmm

HowYouHoldingUp · 14/11/2018 10:45

No, not the definition of forced marriage.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 10:47

No, not the definition of forced marriage.
Which definition are you using?

Feefeetrixabelle · 14/11/2018 10:49

I’d say you were definitely coerced into marrying him. How is the relationship now?

Fairenuff · 14/11/2018 10:55

You have given too little information really. Based on what you have said, it sounds like you were nagged into it but not forced.

However, coercion is more than that so you might have been.

scarbados · 14/11/2018 10:55

You may have been pressured into the marriage but IMHO describing it as a forced marraige is downplaying the fate of teenage girls who have no choice as to who they marry. You could have said no.

Faultymain5 · 14/11/2018 10:56

Okay, so someone posted the legal definition of a forced marriage, posters use the same words as in the legal definition, but because marriage benefits the poster, she should feel lucky she wasn't a child bride, whisked away to a foreign country (cause we all know that's what we really think forced marriage is). Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 10:57

You may have been pressured into the marriage but IMHO describing it as a forced marraige is downplaying the fate of teenage girls who have no choice as to who they marry. You could have said no.

Hmm

Look at the uk government definition. It includes emotional pressure.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 14/11/2018 11:01

You could have said no.

this is the key. Forced marriages are about vulnerable women who have no option but to marry. You had options, but you chose to marry to keep other people happy.

Racecardriver · 14/11/2018 11:02

No. Let’s use a cup of tea as an analogy.

You husband said to you. I’ve made you a cup of tea. You said no thanks. He makes you anither cup of tea later and again you reject it so he gets cross, says you are making him look bad in front of his mother by not drinking the tea so you begrudgingly accept it.

If this were a forced marriage it would have looked like this. Your husband made you a cup of tea. You said no thanks. So he locked you in a room and wouldn’t let you out unless you drank the tea/told you he would kill you if you didn’t drink the tea/took your passport from you and wouldn’t give it back unless you drank the tea/held your head and poured it in your mouth.

He behaved wrongly but he didn’t force you to marry him, he guilted/emotionally manipulated you into marrying him. It’s not the same.

smithsally884 · 14/11/2018 11:03

his Mum is not accepting us as a family

that does not equal coercion!!!

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 11:03

He behaved wrongly but he didn’t force you to marry him, he guilted/emotionally manipulated you into marrying him. It’s not the same.

Look at the definition of forced marriage.

It includes emotional pressure.

VanGoghsDog · 14/11/2018 11:03

I mean I’d expect this if one of us was from another country and questions could have been raised about the authenticity of the marriage, but there wasn’t.

Well, they don't know that until they go through the checks, do they? You have presumably heard of forgery, as just one example of why they need to do a proper check?

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 11:04

If this were a forced marriage it would have looked like this. Your husband made you a cup of tea. You said no thanks. So he locked you in a room and wouldn’t let you out unless you drank the tea/told you he would kill you if you didn’t drink the tea/took your passport from you and wouldn’t give it back unless you drank the tea/held your head and poured it in your mouth.

Where are you getting this from?

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 11:06

I will post this again because people seem to be ignoring it...

A forced marriage is where one or both people do not (or in cases of people with learning disabilities or reduced capacity, cannot) consent to the marriage as they are pressurised or abuse is used to force them to do so. It is recognised in the UK as a form of domestic/child abuse and a serious abuse of human rights.

The pressure put on people to marry against their will may be physical (for example, threats, physical violence or sexual violence) and/or emotional and psychological (for example, making someone feel like they are bringing ‘shame’ on their family). Financial abuse (for example, taking someone’s wages) may also be a factor.

From the uk government website.

petbear · 14/11/2018 11:06

@MrsStrowman

You have to give notice weeks in advance, be interviewed separately where they ask you if it's your choice etc and again on the day the registrar asks certain questions of you separately.

Is this only if you are marrying into another culture... being interviewed separately.. ? I married in mid 1990's, and this didn't happen with me and DH, and I know 3 couples who got married this past 2 years and this did not happen with any of them either. (Being interviewed separately.)

You say you love him, he may have put pressure on to appease his family, but why were you so anti marriage? No judgement just curious

OP's marriage was not forced. Sounds like she was emotionally blackmailed into it though. I am also curious, as to why she did not want to get married when she had a baby with the man!

I am also confused as to how and why the OP's husband managed to book the wedding without her there though. As has been said, it does need both of you there to do it.

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